Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@BestIsWest hearing aids are a double-edged sword. FIL had a new set and immediately dismantled them so he could ‘check the batteries’ 🙄 needless to say they couldn’t be reassembled and needed to be replaced.

@countrygirl99 good luck.

Solidarité to all. I’ve recently discovered French gimlets 🍸

@SockFluffInTheBath They are driving me insane. WTF is she doing with them?

Got to mum's only to discover a problem mum thought she could sort but had made a complete mess of. To the extent that I couldn't work out what the cause was, hopefully it was a one off accident. Suspect a dropped container of water rather than a leak but 🤷. Couldn't even get a consistent story about the time scale of when it happened. And wet carpet tiles stink, especially in a warm environment. Finally left with "if it happens again phone me straight away".
And the heating was on with the thermostat set at 28° but the back door was wide open as it was too hot inside.

@countrygirl99 sounds like a very trying week. Seems to come in waves, hopefully it will slow down for you now.

@countrygirl99 aargh! Sympathies!

I feel on a knife edge all the time just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. @BestIsWest I know just what you mean. I'm making a conscious effort to plan nice things in with DH, DDs and friends during the times between crisis. Having seen FIL have lots of savings which he won't spend to make his life better and having seen friends die early I'm going to try to strike a balance between savings and minor treats (and I fully appreciate that I am very fortunate to be in that position at the moment) as I work hard in my day job and can't have life being all care and work. Went to a fascinating National Trust house this week with old uni friends and the day out did me lots of good.

@Mumbles12 I hear you. I’ve just heard that my former boss (an excellent one at that and a lovely man) has died suddenly of a heart attack at 61 (my age) a few weeks before he was due to retire. Puts it into perspective somewhat.

I’ve arranged lunch with a good friend this week and will hopefully get around to booking a holiday for next month.

I’m a bit frustrated and resentful that I don’t have the same freedom she had at my age when she and DF travelled the world, they were always on holiday.

Esshhh…cancer and palliative care only as DNR etc in place made when MiL had capacity to do so. Drs want her out as she argues with them, DD thinks they are idiots for lacking compassion that could be them in a few years and choosing to work on a geriatric ward where people will die.

This means MiLs care home cannot have her back. Agree with DNR etc so moving heaven and earth for as nice a place as the budget allows.

Goodbye plans for the weekend and hello lots of visits to the few places with bed space able to meet her new needs.

Not sure hot mugs of tea will cut this anymore.

@BestIsWest a good reminder to us all to do some living for ourselves 💐

@triballeader is MiL moving from residential to nursing, which is why she can’t return? Has CHC funding for a nursing home place or a hospice bed been ruled out? I understand Drs wanting her out of acute care but I’m hoping that the hospital can help in other ways.

Re the constant threat with emergencies I know exactly what you mean. I'm trying to frame as my "new normal". Trying to live and accept that there is peace at the moment while understanding that the phone can ring it any time and that might change. Rather than using up my energy and living at high stress, constantly imagining what the next crisis will be. Because I can't control anything. Or very little. I knew something was going to happen with one of them sooner rather than later but not the day and time. Does that make sense? Sort of dial down the continuous anxiety level. Accept that another crisis will come.

Mum rang the other morning out of the blue to say she was in a state about various things; could I come down to help? I tried to gauge whether it was just a series of problems of a practical nature. Or she was having another episode of some sort. She sounded uncertain. Then I remembered her new carer rota and her favourite carer, who had been on holiday, was due to come for 2 hours of "companionship" and help with things generally. Then mum said could I still come later as the carer wouldn't be able to help with everything. I said of course. Only to have mum ringing back 2 1/2 hours later, suddenly composed and back to herself and I don't need to come until the weekend. Hurrah that they have this brilliant carer that they both like! She’d worked some magic! Long may it continue!

So I'm going down this pm to help mum order some ready meals and things from a different food place for a bit more variety. We'll see how it goes. I've already got a nagging headache so I hope that bogs off before I have to pour over a computer trying to work out the logistics.

Just had a cathartic glass of wine with a friend. Dropped in to hand over a bottle of wine as a thank you for a favour and settled down for a mutual whinge in about mothers and brothers. She's got a painful knee at the moment so she's decided to play it up as in "I can't drive at the moment due to my knee" for a fortnight so her moaning, idle brother realises just why she thinks her mum needs more carer visits.

We are looking after our 4 month old granddaughter for the weekend while DD and her partner are at a wedding. It's a joy to have her but hard work as we are a bit rusty with babies. DH is still trying to fit in making sure MIL is OK as BIL has let us down again.

The care home have been in touch to say they found FIL on the floor but he couldn't tell them what happened. His mobility has definitely taken a nose dive over the last couple of months.

@Morenicecardigans enjoy your granddaughter - and take some naps yourselves! Sorry to hear you’ve been let down again.

@countrygirl99 cheers to catharsis and finding soul mates on a similar journey, better than therapy!

MiL was still in an assessment unit the last hospital sent her too pending a four week assessment of needs. This was paid for by the NHS and they will only hold an assessment bed for two days max due to pressure for assessment of care needs beds. They offered to keep her whilst we looked for a self funded and suitable home. the latest stay in hospital explains why she ended up in hospital the first time. She is now in hospital facing a discharge to wherever they can find a bed unless we can locate a care home for her and fast. The only good thing is DD with lovely SiL have managed to blag her a bed in a different secure ward for earlier dementia and nicer doctors. TBH I suspect my DD may have used her hospital connections and offered to cover someone’s trauma call shifts to get her a bed for the weekend.

Zero alcohol beer is now cooling in the fridge and more specialist care-homes booked to look at tomorrow. Thank all that is good MiL is not being as nasty as my brother was in his last weeks from booze induced early onset dementia plus wet brain.

Zero alcohol beer was our lifeline when FIL (and hour away) was being demanding. If he called and it wasn't a real emergency DH could honestly say "but I've been on the beer" but if it was a real emergency he could still go.

How lovely to have time with your granddaughter @Morenicecardigans.

I’m quite partial to a Goodrays CBD drink these days. I’m afraid if I start on the g&t I won’t stop and the alcohol free version doesn’t do it for me although I do like an AF beer.

We’re up to three hearing aids now! The NHS left one turned up in her handbag where it definitely wasn’t yesterday.

@countrygirl99 friends can be so helpful. I had a moan last weekend to a friend who went through this a few years ago with her dad. I apologised for the moan and she kindly said it was validating to her experience to hear me talking through my frustrations.
@BestIsWest it's hard when you feel constrained from going away due to their needs but they did not experience that. DM was complaining this week that her nephew was going away for a week and leaving his dad (her brother). I pushed back and pointed out that other nephew was perfectly capable of coping for a week and in an emergency nephew on holiday was able to drive back. Much humming and hahing but my cousin needs a break too and I wanted DM to try to see that. We go away on Saturday, really hope we stay crisis free for a fortnight as DH needs a proper holiday.

Been toying on whether to post or not, but I need gin and a moan so bear with me while I indulge.

DM in a nursing home, pretty distressing circumstances unfortunately. Also having to deal with other relatives mental health issues and a death in our immediate family. To say DH and I are up to our eyeballs in sorting out caring arrangements, finances, properties etc would be an under statement and unfortunately it is falling to both of us in varying degrees (that is a whole other story I won'tbore you with). Daily whack-a-mole just on the practical things, let alone being able to draw breath and actually process the emotional side of it.

Anyhow DM's sisters (both early 70s) have decided that right now, the most important thing is that we drop everything and go into DMs house and give them "x, y and z" things of sentimental value. This is not a simple task as DM was a hoarder and the only way I can even begin to find said items is to either to take months to hunt for them, or get a house clearance company in to do it (I would prefer the latter, life is too short and most of DMs stuff is junk). Neither of them are named beneficiaries of DMs will either, so it is all quite distasteful, as if they are crowing over the leftovers of her life before she has even gone. In principle the items mean very little to me, but it is the assumption they should have them, and more to the point - now - which is the thing that is annoying me.

We did recently change the locks on DMs house as it turns out she has given keys to random people in her village, so at least they can't snoop round now. And
I have just left it, for the moment, that I have 1001 other things to sort and this is not my priority. But any top tips for putting persistent family members in their place most gratefully received.

@Thingamebobwotsit there’s some really strong gin in here for those times when everything is happening all at once. Please moan away.

Are your DMs sisters aware of the extent of the hoarding?

I’d be tempted to send them in, so they know what needs to be done when the time comes! But I appreciate that they might cause more to sort than they solve.

Oh they know. And they know what else is going on for us across our two families. That is what is making it even harder to swallow to be honest. It is like their needs come first above everyone else's when in reality they are currently bottom of the list.

I guess maybe they are feeling their own mortality, on top of being self-centred. I have no sympathy with their mindset but I’ve seen this with older relatives - they have no concept of how busy modern life is, let alone with everything extra you and your DH have on - it’s like they just believe all younger people have more time overall to live than they do (sadly not always true) so we must sacrifice and drop everything for their whims. Hold your line on already having 1001 things to do - including a rest and that gin.

See also not asking how anyone mutual you know is but telling you all about their neighbour you have never met.

@Thingamebobwotsit ’I will add it to the to do list, but it’s not priority for now’. And ‘no’ is a full sentence. That sort always seem to know the perfect moment to pop up with their selfish nonsense, don’t they?

Thank you. I think I need to get that tattooed somewhere. Especially the "no, is a full sentence" bit. I really struggle with that.

And yes, they pop up like bad smells when you need them the least, and offer very little of value into the mix too.

MIL 89, widowed 7 years ago, crashed her car 15 months ago. Not seriously hurt but dementia became apparent while hospitalised. She lived 2 hours away and had seemed ok before, although lonely and isolated. Now totally confused most of the time. Hospital and social services team deemed independent living now out of the question. DH arranged return home with live in carers. They were great. She hated it and them. Worked for 9 months but situation became unsafe. She would roam at night, escape and run to neighbours complaining of being kept prisoner. Before long it became necessary to arrange local carers to cover the live in carers daily break. When she physically attacked the live in carer one night with her stick it was clear this was no longer sustainable. Moved her to a beautiful care home near us two months ago with hopes of frequent visits and outings. She hates it and refuses to engage with others or activities. Barely leaves her room while complaining it’s a prison. Cannot comprehend her illness or come to terms with losing independence. Wallowing in self pity. DH dreads weekly visit, bitter accusations of being cheated and mistreated, rambling incoherent repetitive conversations, unreasonable demands and catalogue of made up complaints. She cries and wants to die. She fixates on things like constantly packing to go home. The food is “garbage”, other residents too “old”. The main thing is that she is now safe and supported by a team of professionals. It is a beautiful place with great staff and amenities and costs £1,550 per week. But her unhappines is making DH miserable. He’s a kind son but his mother is unrecognisable. This could go on for years, the good care means she is physically in good shape whilst her mental faculties are rapidly declining. Visits are punishing and so might become less frequent in the interests of self preservation. A weekly diatribe takes its toll. She never knows who’s been when anyway. Such a constant sadness.

@PipMartin That is so difficult for your DH. I know it doesn’t make it easier but he has to remember it’s the illness.

The home sounds lovely and is obviously the safest and best place for your MIL.

Reducing visits in either length or frequency or both are completely understandable.