Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Thanks. In the calendar now

Whoops that was a reply to a WhatsApp! Got a lovely day out planned with DS1's partner 😁

Had a bit of an "umm, ok" moment at mum's this evening. Bear in mind mum lives in one of the driest areas of the country in any year and it's been sweltering at over 30 in the recent heat waves. She said "it's been a miserable summer this year, all rain and we've barely seen the sun". But she has the thermostat set at 28 so probably barely noticed a sunny day.

MIL always has her curtains open a tiny bit and a light on in the daytime @countrygirl99 so everyday is the same to her.

Mum had a shock this week when I told her she was festering and she didn’t realise she’d been stuck inside for a month. She’s been great this week and the positivity continues which is a huge relief. The carers finish on Thursday and I’m sure she’ll be fine. My help from now on is going to focus on encouraging her independence with whet I know she can do. She can’t clean or garden and needs help with admin stuff and finances and organisation but there’s lots she can do so I’m going to focus on that. The upcoming holiday is being spoken about in only positive terms by me. No negativity allowed.

All good news Dormit, long may it last.

I've just been letting off steam to myself by fantasising what I'd say to my parents (all right my dad) if my mum had to go back into hospital for 3 weeks again.

When mum was in hospital she asked my sister and I to set up carers to come in twice a day for him. This was after a week of my sister and I taking it in turns to stay with my dad to look after him.

After mum returned home, mum and my sister and I mutually agreed to keep the evening care visits only for a bit. Which was on top of my mum's nhs/state/council or whatever carers visits. My mum basically told the non private carers to bog off (more politely) except the actual therapist ones. They decided they can cope with no carers at all except a twice weekly visit from one lucky favoured carer for companionship for mum.

I arranged this with the carer manager and the notice means they are finishing up tomorrow.

But this week my sister and I have had many calls from the parents to be reminded of when the last day is. Even after they rang one of us the rang the other to double check. My dad rang off his own bat the other day. I yelled at the top of my lungs told him but he couldn't hear because he is deaf.

Basically, as far as I can tell, my parents can be left entirely to themselves and my sister and I have no responsibility for their care (other than, you know, moral responsibility). My mum shares health and wellbeing for dad with us. Social services could be involved of course. But not my sister and I.

I know dad has mild dementia and I know most people wouldn't fancy having troops of different carers coming in to their house at whatever time.

But it's still annoying/frustrating that dad doesn't have the capacity to understand what his life would have been like without the care we set up and provided ourselves. Who would have given him updates on mum without my sister and I making sure we popped in to visit him every day when he can't hear the phone? Cant use the internet to find out numbers and information? Took him to visit mum? Bought and delivered food for him so he didn't have to survive on increasingly mouldy bread, cheese and off milk and run out of butter for 3 weeks as he can't get to any shops? Or use the microwave, oven, stove, air fryer or even the toaster? Who would have bought him his extra incontinence pads and pads? Who would have checked he hadn't fallen over unable to get up? Who would have checked he wasn't lying dead for days?

He was very polite to the carers and was happy to see my sister and I and get the news on mum but he didn't really want any more than that from us. And now he's just constantly asking when the carers are stopping. No thanks for doing it because we care that he's cared for.

When mum had her stroke and they finally admitted an ambulance was needed for her my mum had burnt a saucepan so badly the smoke alarm went off and a neighbour had to come round and disable it. This was while I was racing down there to be with her. So the food and cooking bit particularly worries me.

Oh yeah and the main reason why they want the care to stop, the straw that broke the camel's back was one carer used "the wrong plates" and another "didn't put the sauce on the chicken". The audacity!

Yeah I know, I know. They're railing against the dying of the light etc. but ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

And breathe.

Now I see this is a massive essay. And a bit negative; unlike @Dormit 😬

Oh God @Tobee all of it! I know exactly. DM doesn’t want carers. Every time I go there we go through the same thing. She doesn’t appreciate that the carers going in morning and evening are one of the things that enable me to keep my sanity.
I do everything virtually. DB does the odd shop, mows the lawn and takes the bins out. I do every bloody thing else. And that, along with the carers enables her to stay in her own house as she wants. This week alone it’s been sorting ISA maturities, speaking to the water company, the phone provider, the care company, food shopping, making various appointments, speaking to an advisor about her NPH.

I have begged and begged her to wear both hearing aids. She’s totally deaf without them, panics, loses the ability to speak and I get awful phone calls with her crying pathetically unable to explain what’s wrong. I always fear the worst and it’s always because she’s only wearing one hearing aid and it’s stopped working. I’ve got spares and she’s got two full sets but she still manages to end up in the same situation. She never knows where she’s put the second pair. And I hate myself for it but I end up shouting at her. Then she says she doesn’t need any help from me.

I’ve texted my brother to say he can take over sorting the hearing aids and I’m not available this weekend. I want my lovely mum back and to go back to being a daughter.

@BestIsWest I really feel for you, it’s hard being a carer when all you want is to have quality time with your Mum.

Today for the first time in ages I just spent time with my Mum talking about her memories and it was lovely although it left me very emotional.

It's very hard isn't it @BestIsWest? It's not like looking after toddlers who throw tantrums or teenagers who think you're a nag or whatever. Because you know that's part of them growing up to move on to hopefully be independent people. It's a whole different ballgame. With no happy outcome.

When I tidied my mum's kitchen cupboards and got stuff in my car to take to the dump that was very much superfluous, the evening carer came to cook dinner and of course mum said that they couldn't find anything to cook the food in because I'd thrown it all out!! I said I can always get it out of the car again?! Debriefing to my sister she's well aware of my mum's habit of doing similar. 🙄 I feel sorry for the carer tonight who threw out some out of date stuff in the fridge. Although mum will probably pass on her annoyance to me. It's a constant battle to stop them eating ancient old cheese and meats etc. I think the problem is, in the seventies and eighties, when mum was queen of the kitchen, everything probably had tons of preservatives in them and they were longer life. Not so much now.

That does sound lovely @Harassedevictee. I've asked my mum where she would like to go for a treat in her wheelchair; a garden in a national trust property, a garden centre, the seaside,the shops or what? She says she'd like to go to the lake in the local park and get an ice cream from the cafe. Yep, I can do that! 👍

One of the things we especially noted for the carers for dad to do was to check he'd charged his hearing aids!

@tobee that sounds lovely. You just have to grab the good times when you can.

@tobee I’ve asked her carers to check her hearing aids too. It’s not working!

Mum is exactly the same with foodstuffs. I’ve thrown out of date packets of meat out of her fridge only to find them back in the fridge with the dates scraped off. I now remove them from the vicinity completely.

@Harassedevictee it sounds lovely, it’s good when you can have nice times with them.

My mum does that with wrecked shoes. She'll wear the same pair all the time until they are absolutely disintegrating (which funnily enough seems to coincide with falls) but will retrieve them from the bin when I throw them out so now I take them home to dump.
Ditto broken phone. New phone unplugged and old phone that didn't ring retrieved from bin and plugged back in.

Infuriating @countrygirl99.

I think they have no idea of what it takes from us to keep them going. DH frequently gets annoyed because he sees what I’m doing and the little DB does in comparison. I’m in a constant state of tension waiting for the next thing to go wrong. But I’m giving myself the weekend off.

@Choconuttolata sending 💐

@countrygirl99 my relative barely ever goes outside but has still been texting me about the rain or lack of!

She seems rather more cheerful now. Interesting what people say about some people blossoming in care homes. She led a very closed-off life before her husband died, and then it reversed completely, if it wasn't carers four times a day she was yo-yo-ing in and out of hospital. A lot to deal with. Now she's got to know the carers I'm trying to persuade her to go to a weekly lunch or similar and make friends of her own age (though, remarkably, one of the carers is around the same age!).

I’m in trouble for not being psychic today. “I thought you’d be here this morning! I’m struggling to do my lunch!” Cue breathless helplessness. I’ve told her to snap out of it and I’ll be up this afternoon as planned. I don’t know what she expects me to do half the time. She will struggle but she’s just got to get on with it. Just because something is hard to do doesn’t mean that she can’t do it. I’ll help her but I’m not tolerating the poor me breathless nonsense.

Mum apologised. She was much better when I got there. I’ve tidied and moved things around in her dining room so that she’s got more room to manoeuvre. I’ve spoken to the local appliance shop (small independent one with an amazing guy who is always really helpful if any issues-comes out free of charge for 12 months) and asked about a tumble drier for the heavier washing items like towels and bedding. The heated airer isn’t great for towels. It will be me using it but I can use it there instead of bringing wet washing home to use mine. Supporting with making a meal was painful but she did it and if she sticks to more simple meals I think she’ll be ok. It’s the amount of thought it all needs to break things down into steps that are can manage. The physio was really happy with her on Friday.

Dropped a bombshell to my DBs. Told them I'm not going to be around this Christmas. For 3 Christmases since dad died neither have even asked what the plans are with mum, just assumed I would have her. But 3 years ago we realised she can't cope with my stairs and kept thinking our house was someone else's. 2 years ago we did 2 2 hour round trips on Christmas Day so she didn't need to cope with our stairs and spent the day with her asking DH how his mum was every few minutes 18 days after her funeral. Last year both our DCs were with their other half parents so we went to mum's and cooked there but I spent the day sorting out rotten food in her defrosted and refrozen multiple times freezer. So this year we are going to go to DS2 who lives abroad. They've got 5 months to sort themselves out.

Good for you @countrygirl99. Must admit I’ve been thinking about Christmas too. DM always comes to us for lunch then to my brother’s for tea but we both have the same issue with the upstairs loo. Last year she didn’t make to DB’s (we’re all within a mile of each other) - I think it was the loo. Not sure what to do this year. I think I’ll be guided by the DCs. Last year they, and their partners came to us, may well be different this year.

Well done @countrygirl99have the Christmas you want. It sounds like you’ve done more than enough!

I can never understand why having elderly parent for Christmas is my problem and nothing to do with Goldenballs brother. Put my foot down last year and we had a brilliant Christmas without her there!

We fall for the guilt factor don't we. Brothers had better step up to the plate. Silence on the WhatsApp group so I expect they are formulating their excuses.

@countrygirl99 good for you! Mum
always comes to me too and she terrifies me on the stairs. I live in a town house and the living room is on the middle floor. My siblings always assume she’ll come to me but I don’t think she’ll be able to come this year. I hope your brothers get their fingers out and sort something.
I’ve had the “do you not want to be my carer anymore?” and can’t you be more empathetic routine tonight. I said I wasn’t having that conversation, said goodbye and hung up. This is because I’m trying to explain they it’s not fair on my 10 year old to be spending 5 days at week at grandma’s during the summer holidays. She wanted me to say what days I’d be going, which is fine, except if I say what days she’ll tell me I can’t go that day because my sister is going, or she’s got physio, or her friend or relative is going. I was due to go on Friday and today but on Thursday she told me my sister and the physio were going on Friday so not to go. That meant I went up yesterday instead to help her cook a meal and therefore wouldn’t be going today. She’s struggling and I know she is but that’s because she’s been waited on for 3 weeks and hasn’t done anything for herself except to shower and dress. Did she use the hot water bottle for half an hour before cooking dinner? No. Did you take the morphine? I’m not sure. What do you mean? Well I can’t measure it very well. You’ve got measuring cups, and medicine spoons with a small end and a big end. Figure it out fgs! I was drawing up several days of morphine but she’s going away with her friend so she needs to be independent with it now. There’s no reason why she couldn’t draw it up into the syringes but she says she can’t. She really hates it when I push her to do things herself. I don’t need to be there every day. I clean once a week, garden once a week, and do shopping when it’s needed. She needs help with laundry too but otherwise it’s the company she wants and I feel she should be seeing friends not relying on me for company. In term time it’s fine because I go up when they are at school and it doesn’t affect my time with them. In the holidays I want a break and they need to see me. When I’m at mum’s I’m busy doing jobs so it’s not like it’s family time together. They help too sometimes. I don’t know what to suggest for the holidays. There’s 2 weeks before I go away for a week. Can’t wait!