Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

[tangoonfriday]

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

Your DM sounds very difficult. If you can afford to stay in a hotel, I would. Even five nights on a chaise longue is too many. They're not designed for sleeping at night - just a daytime nap. Your DM is being totally unreasonable for not getting a bed for that room so you can be comfortable. She wants you to visit, yet does nothing to make you feel welcome. I have a similar DM, so you have my sympathy - mine wouldn't buy a bed for one of her GC so in the end I had to buy one.

She doesn't want a daughter; she wants a punching bag that she can control.
Stop being complicit in her abuse.

So she goes silent? So what? It's better than her bringing up grudges, complaints and bitch memories.

So she cuts you off? So what?

So she gets angry that you won't stay with her? So what?
Your back and shoulder need a bed; she is a fucking awful hostess if she does not provide or allow that.

Go through every scenario with 'so what?'

You are not that scared little girl anymore. You don't need her emotionally or physically for your comfort.

Book the damn hotel or AirBnB. That gives you space away from her and control back over your meals. I would also get some therapy and look up ways to deal with FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I would cancel the trip. No way.
She sorts a proper (air) bed if I was to spend my time of work visiting her.

I think you're a bloody saint for going to see her. I'm not and I wouldn't. The more I read, the worse she sounds. Her goal seems to be to make you feel small, guilty and a bad daughter, whatever the hell that is.

Cut down the phone calls too, you're handing her the power on a daily basis. She sounds awful and doesn't deserve your kind attention.

Have just read your updates OP as I was going to suggest a camping mattress but I see a PP has beaten me to it.

In all seriousness I think some counselling with a well-chosen therapist works really help you in the longer term. Maybe consider this in the new year.

I would suggest that YOU did a good job of raising you, not your mum. You have wonderful qualities and sentiments. But nice people, family or not, don't disregard the comfort of guests. They don't control, or whinge, or unnecessarily interfere in their young adult children's relationships. They're delighted to see you, whatever the circumstances, and they don't create an atmosphere. They care if you are physically or mentally hurt.

Have a think about this. Much love x

These fold out bed/chairs are quite comfy to sleep on. Tell her you are going to order one to sleep on and if she says no, then you book a hotel. I hope you have a nice time with her despite how awkward she seems to be!

www.amazon.co.uk/Ready-Steady-Bed-Comfortable-Ergonomically/dp/B09CDWGYT3/ref=mp_s_a_1_9_sspa?crid=3GTZGHVHGS4IW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.hnW7YH7Sg8A7F2Ql9Vcm5ORYFE1jwNhRs7AqDCxVQ6V3vg49K6iz70iNzM-fSvucui9uoDiPrHo6lqzrdkdS_fz-1Ce6fduqk5NUrO9O75hY5qzvlJThfYu4YeKmsDzu7u2iQGuCOw6xfREt5qiwe6nCJrmt7tItOlfc5-f3rgDaiF-mp2Ps_CfKF4J2yYLZNc1-ldSJYIJGN6n4JavNpg.DkNHhaNBhL7Ew6hFIfmsYwZx4DbuK58gO3gO3vl64bk&dib_tag=se&keywords=folding+mattress+single&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1734010792&sprefix=folding+matt%2Caps%2C101&sr=8-9-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfbXRm&psc=1

I'd say your back is playing up/ won't survive the chaise lounge this time and cancel the trip. Or tell her after the trip you wont be able to stay again. You and DH should not be spending multiple Christmases separate for unwelcoming relatives.

Book a hotel. I had a difficult relationship with my mum. After years of weird and uncomfortable visits, staying in a hotel was a revelation. I was able to go somewhere that wasn't her domain and decompress. Made everything more bearable. It's even more important for you with your physical issues.

Choose one or two of the suggested responses upthread and practice saying them, so you will be ready to use them when she makes a fuss. Don't get drawn into a discussion, just repeat "sorry you are disappointed about the hotel" as often as needed.

Oh please book a hotel, OP. Fuck that chaise with a frozen shoulder.

Yanbu to stay for "only" 5 days - 3 days would be my maximum.

Edit because I recommend a really good camping mattress before I saw op post saying she won't allow that.

Simply don't go, or go and stay in a hotel. Only a truly nasty person goes to such lengths to both bully a guest into staying for longer than they want to and ensure they are uncomfortable and sleep badly for the duration, objecting to every possible thing you suggest that will make it tolerable. This is about power, control and demonstrating to you how unimportant your wellbeing is. Please stop tolerating this.

You do not owe your mum compliance with her desires for you to be more available to her. You are going well above and beyond the limits of mist reasonable people to tolerate her as much as you are.

Hotel, hotel, hotel. No question.

I wrote above saying offer a choice of getting a bed or you staying in the hotel as a way for you to assert yourself and indicate some boundaries.
But having read this update and seeing that she gave you the silent treatment just because you said you were bringing a special pillow I would tell her that you've decided not to come at all because you're in too much pain.
And then ignore all of the deep sighs and emotional manipulation. You can put the phone down on her you know.
Stop being so nice. She's absolutely awful to you.

Yes I'd be inclined to agree. What a miserable Christmas, and for what?

Yep
New boundary- make yourself happy and stay home

I would stay in a local B&b, premier inn or similar.
There’s really not much she can do to stop you
You are an adult.
If it’s too pricey then obviously the visits would have to be much shorter

As others have said book a hotel, if you can't afford that order a decent airbed if fold out bed to sleep on.
Your mother sounds really horrible. Who on earth goes to such lengths to make a guest feel so unwelcome let alone their own child .

We are the same when we host.
It IS like staying in a hotel here.
Honestly op your dm is cruel ...surely you have real life friends who can support you and validate you.
Do not set yourself on fire ti keep someone else warm , had never be so app as on your situation.

short update - really took to heart all your suggestions and aware I must start putting boundaries up - just came off the daily call and during that call DM mentioned how her cousin mentioned her children (sons in their 50s) will arrive for Christmas and maybe we could all meet up but that cousin did not invite explicitly or set the time yet. However DM already thinks she is invited and we are going. She said she expects me to go. I replied let's see how we feel and I may or may not go. Silent treatment and an uptight tone how I 'have to go with her'. I told her that Christmas is for everyone to enjoy the time as they please. She doesnt her it.
It really is so opressive and a great reminder why I moved out at 21, why I never liked Christmas at home because I felt like a puppet. Do this, wear that, say this, you are coming with us, you can not see your boyfriend etc.
I am a middle aged woman who has her own life and a controlling 80+ mother who imposes on me absolutely everything and oversteps my boundaries. She basicaly runs my Christmas itinery as if I was 8 years old. How do I stop this from affecting me? I am actually upset. I have been upset for over a month since I booked my tickets. Yes, I know I shouldnt go but I felt sorry as she was moaning how she will be alone for Christmas (that cousin would have invited her anyway). I felt guilty, spend money I don't have this year on the flight and I have not arrived there yet but I am already sick of it.
I think I love her more than she loves me.

You sound like you need to a) book a hotel, and b) spend some time on the stately homes/FOG threads, and c) read this book (I think this is the one people often recommend on here): https://www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Fog-Confusion-Clarity-Narcissistic/dp/099959351X/

If you're broke then spending money on a hotel is probably not a good idea. I'd try to get the money back and feign illness. I'm sorry your mum is so difficult.

Are you mad?! Why should you have back ache! I would tell her that if she doesn't get you a bed you will be staying in a hotel. And 5 days is plenty.

I think I love her more than she loves me.

TBH, and I'm sorry to say this, I don't think she loves you at all.

She doesn't seem aware of you as a separate adult human being in the slightest, just somebody who she has around in order to give her status.

From the info you have given us:
You are less important to her as a physical being than the decor in a spare bedroom she doesn't enter
You are important to her as a demonstration of her status - seeing the cousin so she can demonstrate that she has a faithful daughter who does as she tells her

Even though she is elderly, you still have time to break free.

She sounds awful OP, have you any siblings or are you an only child

Please don't go to her house if she can't even provide you with a bed

This.

She needs to choose.

I agree with this completely. If she complains about you staying in a hotel, just laugh and say "I've gotten too old for sleeping on the sofa. It is this or nothing". If she wants to create a big deal - then say you'll go home. No need for a big fight (although how you have restrained yourself all these years is beyond me - you are a better woman than me) just say sorry mum but I visit you for 5 days and stay in a b&b or if that offends you I can go home.