Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

[tangoonfriday]

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

Why can you not stay in a hotel and tell her all of this? Why are her feelings more important than your physical pain and inconvenience?

I would treat a visiting dog better than that!

Just take an airbed.
If she doesn't like to look of them - tough.
She doesn't get a choice.
Airbed or hotel or no visit that's the options.

I agree with @womanjustwanttohavefun. Bring an air bed with you and say that you need it for your back - rinse and repeat. She can’t prevent you from sleeping on it.

I’ve slept on an airbed at my dad’s and it’s surprisingly comfortable.

This. It's bizarre. It's mental illness, frankly.

I’d just book a hotel. When she complains I’d tell her she has no bed so you’re not able to stay

She appears to want to keep testing your limits, pushing to see what you'll put up with.
And your reluctance to stand up for yourself is causing her to constantly up her game.
You'll never win, so drop the rope and don't play anymore.

Psychotic behaviour. I honestly wouldn’t go, say exactly why and force her to change. If she doesn’t, it’s on her.

Honestly just get a grip of yourself! I don't mean to sound harsh but just own your situation.

"Mum, I'm not getting any younger and I'm past the stage where I'm going to sleep anywhere uncomfortable unless it's a dire emergency. I find the chaise very uncomfortable.

I'd love to stay with you if you had a spare bed, but since you don't, I'm going to stay in a hotel and we can meet up each day.

See you in a couple of weeks."

My biggest problem is (has always been) people pleaser, path of least resistance and feeling sorry for the elderly. Yet I see the manipulation in so many situations but I always think 'well, it is my Mum, she has done a great job raising me to who I became, she has her flaws but I love her, I forgive her, it is the war generation, they had it difficult etc' - I am forgiving, always been even for abuse from different people in life as I feel sorry for them. But I do dislike myself for being like that.

What I would do: text or email my mum and say 'looking forward to visiting you soon. Just to let you know, I've hurt my back and I think the chaise will aggravate it so I have booked into a hotel on this occasion. Will be with you on Thursday at 2, see you then!'.
Then, I would ignore all further comments or discussion about this other than grey rock-style responses e.g. I'm so sorry you're disappointed about the hotel. It's necessary on this occasion due to my bad back.
Then, when I arrive I would just go to the hotel and get on with it.

It is a huge deal for the op. Op, such progress in getting where you are, read all these posts and just get that bit further and don’t go. She will obviously then tell you she is dying but come back here and people will guide you through the emotional abuse.

It's only a small thing to stay in a hotel so that you can be comfortable, sleep well and have as good a time as possible with your mum.

Of course you love her and appreciate the good things she did for you as a parent. That doesn't mean you need to do whatever she says.

“Mum if you want me to visit you this Christmas I’m fetching an air bed, I get you say you don’t like the look of it so I’ll just keep the spare bedroom closed whilst I’m here and you won’t even need to look at it.”

I will push the change gently as I know if I go too hard I will be the one left dealing with the 'atmosphere'. I have a frozen shoulder so other than pack pain it is all real. I mentioned already last night I am bringing special pillow I got for pain relief as the chaise really affects me and already over the phone she applied silent treatment and deep sighs and change of the tone. I had decades of all this just to give you an idea when I had my first boyfriend, my DM invited him over without me being at home and told him she doesn't want him to date me. He left me and I was heartbroken. Same happened to my second boyfriend. Then the third one we were over 18 and I moved out early (21) then got married (24) because we could not see each other on our terms either (he was 4 years older). It was very controlling.

I meant back pain is real and so is my frozen shoudler.

It is difficult, FIL has spare beds with mattresses so old they are like hammocks, dh gets a bad back and I get a terrible neck whenever we stayed. We offered to replace the mattresses but as apparently no one else complains (all the family do!!) he refuses, so we simply don't stay any more.

I appreciate this is harder for you as you are far away, but I would put your foot down and say either she allows you to get a mattress or you will stay in a hotel. Also tell her you would come for longer but as you yourself are no spring chicken it causes you weeks of pain afterwards, and you are no longer prepared to put up with that. Put the ball in her court. If she refuses just cancel the trip!

I sincerely hope when I am old I don't become stubborn and unreasonable. My parents are the opposite, they bed over backwards to make sure we are comfortable!

Your mother isn't falling over herself to provide you with creature comforts is she; does she even like you? Don't go. It's not worth the pain and sleepless nights. Give yourself a wonderful Christmas present and stay at home.

OP are you driving there? Can you sneak a self inflating mattress (the camping sort which deflate into a small bag) into your luggage? Or wrap it up as a Xmas present 😆 surprise mum! Look what Santa bought . Or just put it up when she’s gone to bed and deflate in the morning? Vango and Outwell super comfy

Book a hotel. Stay a shorter time. Tell her you won't be coming unless she gets a bed. Ask her to swap with you. Personally I wouldn't go. There is no reason why she cant get a bed for the spare room.

Just stay in hotel. She cannot force you
Ignore her moans with
Ok mum . Now shall we go out for a coffee?

I don’t think I would care about avoiding an ‘atmosphere’ with someone who lives a plane journey away and seems to not care about creating an atmosphere with you.

When she moans about you only staying 5 days, tell her you’d stay longer if you had a bed to stay in. Every single time.

I wouldn’t be spending precious money and holiday visiting someone to not sleep for 5 days-that’s just awful!

Jesus, I'm very happy for you that you live so far away!
Realistically- at 80 she isn't going to change. I would keep calling and visiting as I think the guilt of cutting her off as she ages would be worse than putting up with her, but stop calling daily unless you are truly ok with it. (Cut it back by saying, oh, BTW I can't call tomorrow as going out/got visitors etc, speak to you on Monday' etc)
For the visit If you can possibly afford somewhere to stay that's local then just book it and tell her your back is playing up and you need a proper bed so will be staying here overnight. 'Let me know what time suits you for me to come over so we can spend the days together, can't wait to see you' Make it a done decision, be breezy and cheerful and just ignore any huffing and puffing amd attitude.
If you csn make that the new habit then I suspect you will be able to find visits much easier, having some alone time I'm the evening and at night to recharge in your own space will make a huge difference.
Shes going to find something to complain about whatever you do so you might as well be comfortable while she does it!

I have an adult daughter and would never treat her like this. Tell her straight that you don’t find it comfortable as there is no bed and nowhere to put your clothes. Therefore, you don’t feel welcome. As for her guilt tripping? Tell her she’s welcome to it. Trying to placate people like this is a waste of time, even if it is your mother

You say you dislike yourself for these traits. But I wonder if deep down you think they are good things?
Pleasing people, forgiving people, being sympathetic to the elderly, being grateful - they sound like good qualities don't they?

Well, they might be good in some situations, but as you are realising, they lead to you being abused, taken advantage of, bullied, and generally being a doormat.

No-one can change you except yourself.

Start thinking about the other good qualities, the ones you need to practice:
looking after yourself before others (like the air-mask on aeroplanes, you have to put on your own mask first), not forgiving people unless they are truly sorry, giving 'tough love' to people who abuse your sympathy, recognising your own worth, respecting yourself, standing up for yourself, recognising the truth.

Your mother is abusive: saying she want a certain dinner, then she doesn't, then moaning when you didn't cook it, then making a great show of loving that a friend did it for her.
You can't "win" in these situations, because the set up is designed for you to fail - she forces you to fail and feel guilty, because she is abusive.
The only answer is not to play.

Im struggling to see why you feel sorry for her when she clearly has enough energy to be so demanding and manipulative! You’ve probably got more aches and pains than she does.

I’d sack the whole thing off. Say you’ve got bad back and can’t travel, and that you couldn’t have slept on that chaise anyway.

Her house isn’t suitable for guests so she can’t host anymore. Her choice whether or not she makes changes.