Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

[tangoonfriday]

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

Are the flights at all refundable or changeable OP? I've already replied regarding staying in a hotel, but the more I read the more I think 'stuff that'. Do something you'd enjoy!

I would not go at all. She sounds toxic and controlling af. You don't need to out yourself in that situation.

Just stay in a hotel. It's not your responsibility to ensure your mother isn't upset.

Honestly it's really not a big deal. If you're going to visit her in spite of all the aggro, it makes sense to make things as comfortable for yourself as possible.

Don't go. The price of the plane tickets is the price of peace. You've suddenly developed a tummy bug the night before and alas are unable to travel.

I would offer her a choice.
Tell her that the current arrangement does not work for you because sleeping on the chaise is painful.
These are the choices:
a) a bed is put in the spare room (you can decide whether you want to offer to buy that or whether you get her to pay for her it and you help her order it, have it delivered etc.)
b) you stay in a hotel for the duration of the visit.

Those are the choices. There are no other choices.
Which one would she prefer?

And if she won't choose one of those I then you don't go.

That's pretty awful that she won't let you use an airbed for 5 nights! I'd take one anyway!

OP doesn't need to allow her mum to choose whether or not she is allowed to stay in a hotel!

She can make that decision all by herself.

Be blunt with her.

' I wont be visiting again as you're so awkward about the bed situation and it's leaving me in pain and tired through lack of sleep. '

Try slight manipulation

' it's obvious you don't really want me there as if you did you'd have allowed me to sort out a bed and a lamp. But you won't, so I'm not coming and I don't feel guilty about it '.

If she sorts out the bed and she visits yet she starts picking arguments then leave.

I've had to have this conversation with many family members that as adults nobody is owed a relationship. If people are good to be around then they're going to find themselves on their own......that's my boundary. And it's a pretty basic one tbh.

I wouldn't bother visiting and if I did I would stay in a hotel.
You are no longer a child, stand up to her

I wouldn’t stay in the house any more. Not just about the bed either, because it sounds a bit tense generally and I would need the respite of a nice quiet hotel room at night and also to stalk off to, if she was being horrible.
(I might even invite her to Xmas dinner in the hotel)
I don't find air beds that comfortable either, even if you were allowed to have one.
But.. an elderly?

You sound a bit snuffly OP, is that the flu starting? You can’t risk passing that on to your elderly DM…

I’ve read your update. Honestly, just because she says things have to be done X way, it doesn’t make them compulsory? If she wants to eat at a certain time, for example, and it doesn’t work for you, let her crack on while you do what you need/want to. Or if you’ve agreed to cook something specific, just cook it and she can take it or leave it.

Or stay home. I would.

If the flights are refundable, tell her you have developed a very bad back and can't come as sleeping on a chaise longue would make it much, much worse.

Order a decent sofabed

oh i get that about clothes hanging around and being left over the chair and spilling out of a suitcase from my mother when I stay too.....well this house used to be big enough for 4 of us but now every wardrobe and drawer is used by just 2! At least I have a double bed though, although there was chat about replacing it with 2 singles to accommodate the nephews who only stay a couple of nights a year.

I would stay in a nearby hotel, assuming there is one. It's a very straightforward compromise, you need some level of comfort at 50ish.

I phrased it as giving the Mum a choice because the Mum objects to everything.
So present her with the choice of bed or hotel. Then she has to choose and that is what happens.
Rather than OP saying she is going to stay in a hotel and there being a massive fuss about it.
The OP isn't able to assert herself, presumably because of the way the Mum has gone on with her throughout her life. This might be a way the OP can begin to assert herself when she perhaps isn't ready to take the step of "Hey Mum, I'm staying in a hotel, end of discussion".

I would just stay in the hotel, but the OP doesn't really seem to have the boundaries and assertiveness to say that yet.

Stay in a hotel. Don't discuss further with her - she sounds toxic and controlling and you've allowed yourself to be controlled.

You will "enjoy" the time much better in a hotel and choosing to pop in and visit her at your own free will. You will be able to escape back to the hotel when you choose. It will be so much more relaxing.

We have had these to sleep on when we have stayed in the stables overnight with a sick or horse in foal.

Surprisingly comfortable and fold away very small.

Or can be sold given that this is the last time you will go and stay at her unwelcoming abode!

www.argos.co.uk/product/5794005?clickSR=slp:term:bed%20folding:16:102:1

She won’t let you buy an air bed, blow it up and remove it when you go?

you MUST see how crazy this is.

there is NO way I would stay in her house.
book a hotel now. Today.

If/ when she says she’s offended say so are you!
you want to stay in her house and there is nowhere to sleep that doesn’t leave you and your back in agony.

Either book into a hotel and tell her you've asked for a bed and she's said no, so you are not prepared to Injure yourself on tge chaise
Or
Tell her at the end of visit you will not be sleeping there again unless there is a decent bed

I think she is punishing you for living abroad

True. I get where you're coming from on that.

It's going to be bad either way, tbh.

@tangoonfriday there's really no way around this except getting used to ignoring your mum when she moans and whinges at you. Practice not paying attention to what she says/how she's feeling. It's not your problem and you don't need to make it your burden to carry. Imagine her wittering on far away from you and just not really listening to it.

I hope you manage to sort something out!

Wow, why are you putting up with this?
Yes, she's your mum, but she's treating you awfully and you're allowing her to.
She won't let you sleep on a blow up bed? Then don't go. Her choice.
Or, she can sleep on the chaise chair and you in her bed. If she thinks it's good enough for you, then it'll be good enough for her.

God, she sounds difficult! What does she actually want? She seems to want you to stay for a long time. Where does she want you to sleep? Where does she want you to hang your clothes?

Can you afford to book a hotel or Airbnb and spring it on her when you arrive? You could say, "Oh my back has been killing me so I need a proper bed to sleep on" - having somewhere to escape to would be fantastic. Then you could say you don't want to eat there, then go back to your hotel and have whatever you want to eat.

You're a better woman than I am, OP - my visit would be down to an hour!

Blow up beds are really not comfortable at all, btw, @tangoonfriday so I wouldn't waste money on one. DH and I are past being able to sleep well on those at ages 48 and 46.