Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

[tangoonfriday]

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

Saw your update OP. She is very happily doing a number on you, you poor thing. You could just not go this year? Is that something you could do? Or could you plan for not going next year? Can you control the daily call in any way? As in limit it to 5 or 10 minutes? Or put the phone away from your ear when she starts being difficult. Unfortunately it is unlikely she will change now.

What @AnnaMagnani says
Even though she is elderly, you still have time to break free.

oh, mum, the pain in my neck and frozen shoulder is worsening… I’m not coming.
You’ve enough time to sort something else out..
OP, you can do this. The stress of her is a huge contribution to your literal pains. Lose the airfare but win at life …

@Pallisers I think I have to go this year but I have been already occupied by it for over a month playing all sorts of dialogues and potential dramas in my head. I did mention to DM couple of months ago that next year DP and I want to go away for Christmas and she did that awkward silence over the phone followed by guilt triping me into 'oh well' and sulking. Each year I think 'oh god that might be the last Christmas' and I burst into tears. I am the only child and I have not got my own children so I often think about my own future loneliness. I always felt a bit lonely and used tbh. I say to DM how when I am old I will not have a child to spend Christmas with nor to phone me. Really and trully I wonder how others cope with guilt. I find many of you so strong and standing your ground. PP mentioned me being a status and I think you nailed it. I wish instead of imposing things on me she respected me and asked 'I got an invite over Christmas to visit so and so, perhaps you would like to join me' - that would have a whole different notion. Instead it is 'I expect you to go with me.'

If you really feel you have to go, then do book a hotel. Premier Inn or Holiday Inn Express are good without costing a fortune. Most of all, you'll feel better able to cope when you're with her if you have a quiet calm space to retreat to and a comfy bed to sleep in.

Does your DP come with you?
Do you have to choose between them or your mother?
I would prioritise spending Christmas with your partner, put your happiness first.
I'm sorry that you have such an awful mother, she really doesn't deserve you. Would you treat anyone how she treats you? I'm guessing not. X

What would she say if you said, ‘I’d like to spend Xmas with my partner and that isn’t possible at your house-we both sleep on the chaise long!’

Don’t go!! Mother or not … she doesn’t appreciate you visiting. Just don’t put up with this!

OP I feel for you, I really do.

The best thing that you can do for yourself in the short-to-medium term is to acknowledge that she's never been the mother that you've hoped for and deserved, and grieve that relationship. She's not going to change now. She's not going to have an epiphany and start being lovely to you. Ever. I've seen this in my own family.

Once you've got your head fully around this part (it will be difficult, and take time) you can then decide the basis on which you're going to have a relationship going forward. Weekly phone calls sounds like a good place to start.

In the meantime you need to decide whether you're going to go at all this Christmas, there's no perfect answer to that. For me i think I would, and I'd just brush off whatever she says about sleeping arrangements as best I could, knowing that I'm going to do 'the real work' on figuring this out when I get home.

It's booked and paid for, and it'll be a super long time until your next visit if you don't go now.

After this, whatever happens, avoid Christmas with her ever again. Christmas visiting always amplifies whatever else is going on. Just visit at a quiet time of year if you must.

Sending strength to you OP!!

Imagine if you could laugh when she gives you the silent treatment, imagine if you could say 'you were a cruel and controlling mother a lot of the time, you told my boyfriend not to date me, I am hurt and angry about your behaviour and I am an adult now and I do not have to dance to your tune, I don't have to let your silent treatment affect me, it is laughable that you expect me to sleep on this chaise. I do love you and I will visit you, despite your behaviour, but I will only do so on my terms.' You only have to imagine it, you don't have to say it, but try on that attitude for size and see if you like how it feels.
You have done amazing with the five days, keep going, she doesn't control you, yes she is older, yes you are compassionate, but compassion is needed for yourself first.

Book a hotel room nearby with full rights to cancel. Call her and tell her. Absolutely do not budge on it, hotel or no visit The moment she kicks up a fuss, cancel the booking and don't go. She absolutely will kick up a fuss, thereby not costing you. Get your flights refunded if you can.

Some people need to fuck around and find out

I would bring or buy once there, a quality I inflatable bed. You can get them the same height as a divan bed and when your stay is over it can be folded up for storing. Your mum could then have her room back but you are not tortured and can get a good night's sleep. Anything from 60.00 to 150 pounds, some have electric inflation deflation functions to make things run smoothly and faster. Just be honest with your mum and tell her how uncomfortable the chaise is and that your life is so full that you've had to shorten the holiday. Call it pressures of life, ask her to come to you next year? With your husbands olds, that way everyone is together. But the anxieties and pressures are diluted. People tend to be better behaved. If they have a year to prepare for it, it could be seen as an adventure holiday. Just field many options for flexibility that suits all. I usually travel between my family as they are often exhausted by the time the holiday begins, I take turns so it doesn't all fall on one person or family group, its less to organise for me to be at theirs and I can help out once there. Mostly I wish you luck with next year, but also that you get to have a pleasant peaceful time with your mum over this coming holiday. What a pleasant considerate daughter she has.

As others have said, book a hotel room or don't go.
Tell her you have a bad back and Drs have said you need a proper bed to sleep on . Most of us do - we're not 21 anymore.

This is really good advice.

Wishing you the best @tangoonfriday. 💐

OK well in the circumstances I don't feel you are equipped to deal with this, I agree with whoever said read the book and also try and get some counselling to deal with this so by next Christmas you are in a stronger place.
This Christmas I would develop Covid and be unable to travel

Could you bring DP for moral support and a buffer

@FavouriteTshirt thank you and to PP all good ideas. I do not take DP there as my DP has not got patience to deal with that type of drama (he is older than me and also wants to relax). My DM got invited over 5 years ago to us but eventhough she was visiting she made a fuss and I felt very uncomfortable in my own home. She was not as bad as she is when I go there but it was uncomfortable and made sure we knew. I observed that elderly parents behave better when they are in less familar environment otheriwse when she is at her own place and I visit, there is no space for any compromise and a lot of drama.
Updating on yesterday - today my long term friend has invited me to a dinner when I am over there and another friend will join. So this refers back to my DM yesterday imposing the visit she expects me to pay with her, to her cousin. No consideration that I also could be invited by people and that I could have plans. The friend suggested 25th or 26th but I know DM will kick up a fuss that 25th I must sit with her ('because on that day we are alwasy at home!) and 26th we are going to her cousin. She has no consideration that other people also have their schedules and also travel from abroad and Christmas is about compromises and joy of connecting with people we love not about my way or the highway. Just reading your replies and my posts I realise how bad it is and how I was brushing it all off. I am actually bloody angry with myself. I am not calling tomorrow. and next week I already planned days I will not call so gradually will be reducing the daily calls. She started pulling me on 'not having much to say lately' and she does it with a bit of an attitude in her voice. She just wants to know everything and when she feels she doesnt get it she is all uptight about it. All my life she thought she knew everything about my life whilst but I would only share what i wanted to share. This year in particular I observe she feels a bit FOMO and takes it out on me.

What's fOMO?

Fear Of Missing Out on something

Make sure you see your friends while you are there! Definitely do not let your mum dictate where you should be on the 26th. You take yourself away and have a good time with your friends!

Don't tell your DM anything about your friends' various invitations or she will sabotage....

It's only fifty percent of the interactions are your mum and rest are you. You have ageing anxiety and so does your mum. Only she's older and nearer the gate. She should be nice though. Maybe you could flick a few boundaries out there before you land, I won't be out on the 25th but I will definitely be out on the 26th.

I wouldnt leave an elderly lady alone on christmas night. Try to find a space where you can express how you really feel but gently. " I have come a long way to see you let's not have words. I'm not getting any younger and I need a decent bed to stay in. I don't want to disagree with you but you're not exactly meeting me half way etc... I hope that inspite of your differences you manage to enjoy quality time together and you find a decent bed when you get there.

I dont think its that bad either. I think people just fall into patterns, are influenced by others and half the time pick up the wrong end of the stick.
Don't stress too much and I hope your Christmas is wonderful.

Merry Christmas OP.

I'd deal with it by telling her I won't be visiting again.

@Mamabearsmile what a lovely, gentle message thank you x Merry Christmas to All

OP you can do this. Tell her you've hurt your back and can't sleep on that chaise so please can she source a bed for you or you can't come. If she wants to see you she'll do it. If not that's sad but you will know the rejection came from her not you.

I think you need to work out your boundaries OP for yourself.
Bed. You can’t sleep on this “bed” and your mum refuses to buy another bed. So your options are : to stay in a hotel or to buy a bed and get it delivered to your mum. IMO you need to decide which option is better for you, then put it in action and notify your mum at the very last minute about your choice.
And this should be your approach with all issues. Why on earth you told your mum that you’re bringing a pillow?? Once you arrived and unpacked if she asked you what’s this for you could answered : it’s my new pillow I use it for my shoulder, recommended by physiotherapist. End of conversation. And then ignore any sighs or eye rolls or whatever. At the moment it looks like you are asking permission for bringing stuff which is weird.
By the way Im not sure actually about buying a new bed, in this case you won’t have an excuse to do short visits. So I would stay in a hotel. I would book and then notify mum of course in advance as you would do with any other host. But I won’t start talking about next Christmas now - it’s madness.
Meals. If mum wants to eat at certain times - great, let her be. Eat when you want to eat but offer her help with cooking her meal and washing after.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave her alone on Xmas day, sorry. I don’t think it’s polite. And I don’t think her desire to go to relatives with you is unreasonable.
And buy a reading lamp, don’t ask , just buy it.