Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

[tangoonfriday]

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

OP although you have moved to a different country and have been an adult for three decades it seems that your mum is still controlling you on a daily basis via phonecalls.

You were abused as a child and carry this into your adult life. This is not your fault but you are now as an adult able to do something about it. Therapy is the obvious way forward.

Your relationship with your mother as it stands seems very unhealthy for you. It also seems that your relationship with your DP has some similar unhealthy patterns.
YOU really matter OP, you need to cherish and love and value yourself.

As for the bed issue, tell your mother that you have some muscoskeletal problems and need to sleep in a bed. Ask her if this will be possible. If she says no then she has chosen that you are unable to stay with her at this time. Because she will not allow your basic needs to be met at her house. You can say "I understand and respect that it is important to you to be able to keep your spare room as you like it. Unfortunately however I do need a bed to sleep in due to my muscoskeletal issues so I will be unable to stay with you for Christmas."

As for the phonecalls, I'd say "I'm very busy at the moment and need to keep our phone calls as weekly not daily. I'll call you on Sundays at 7pm." Simply do not discuss this decision. Don't answer her calls on other days. If she moans on Sunday say, "it's a shame to have to waste our weekly call discussing why it's not a daily call".

Bless your heart, there's so much more to this than your original post suggested. Once you've moved past Christmas, and I can see you're compartmentalising that as a separate issue so that you can get past it, you really need to take some time to yourself to decompress. It sounds as though that will be difficult given you'll come home to a an equally controlling partner. Therapists are helpful to get you to see and understand what's happening but a supportive, personal friend may be required to help you form a clear plan so that you can move forward.

I'm glad the support and advice on this forum is helpful. Don't be afraid to ask for clear tactical/practical advice on here and in real life so that you can make real changes in your life, and don't be afraid to put yourself first, for once.

Don't do it OP, she is being rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn't stay one night if someone made not the slightest provision for me as a (regular) guest. Time to put a stop to it. Tell her you won't be going for all the reasons you give here. Stay firm. As an adult you don't have to put up with this, especially from family.

Your mother is clearly a dominating person (like mine). If you are used to / trained in putting up with whatever a dominator dishes out it can sometimes be hard to behave differently. Forums can be great for getting a helpful hold and push but therapy - with the right therapist, which may take a few trials to find - could be a strong source of support, strength and insight. At least I am finding this now. It also starts to help you focus on you rather than them.

PS. I really like @Princessfluffy ’s phone call idea and script. Talking every day on the phone is totally OTT and controlling.

Of course if the chaise is a suitable sleeping option in your mother's opinion I would feel free to suggest that she sleep there for your visit and you take her comfortable bed. This seems like a cost free and straightforward solution.

If she's not willing to make any compromises for you to have your basic need of a comfortable bed met then tbh she doesn't really want you there.

I just would not go. Bed or no visit! Certainly don’t speak every day. Don’t say a time every week either. It’s a ball and chain. Phone when you have something to say.

The daily calls are my fault. I suggested that when pandemic started to ease the strain for DM being on her own.
We enjoyed the calls for a long time and would chat for an hour but this year has been different and ever since November when I booked my flight and told her I am coming for 5 days whereas she was expecting longer, our calls are a bit dry. She doesnt enjoy them because I do not share much about my personal life. She comments that we have nothing to talk about other than weather. She can be brisk when I ask what she has been up to etc. Tbh I am sad that she can not see I try so hard to be present and available to her. On the other hand I know she wants me to be over there nextdoor waiting on her, drive her places, cook for her etc but I can not do it. I have my life, career etc and I do not have family of my own so my future is not that I will have someone to spend Christams with or talk to when I am old.

Weekly calls is more than enough.

In life it's really important to be able to let go of behaviours and patterns that no longer serve you (if they ever did!), that no longer spark joy, or that drain your energy and your happiness.

If you called less often you may have more small talk to fill the space.

You say, "my future is not that I will have someone to spend Christams with or talk to when I am old"

Your future could definitely be full of wonderful friends to spend Xmas with and talk to if you invest in friendships.

@AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras People in their 80’s sometimes do need more than weekly calls though, especially if they’re living alone.

I called my Dad (86) once a week when my SM was alive, but I speak to him most days now. He needs the support and tbh, I’d be worried if we didn’t speak for a couple of days, as something might have happened to him.

@BruFord of course. But I meant in this specific situation, and particularly in the lead-up to Christmas.

They're going to see each other in two weeks. It might be better to have more to say to each other, having only spoken once or twice more, rather than 14 times. Especially because OP clearly finds these calls draining and upsetting, likely becoming more depressed/anxious/dragged down each time.

It leaves very little time for living well when you become preoccupied with serving someone who gives you nothing positive back. OP has a responsibility to herself too - to give herself space from it instead of always pouring out. OP is clearly struggling and already feeling swallowed up by her mother's demands to a great extent just now.

Of course it's up to @tangoonfriday to do what she deems right!

In reality the op is doing very little! She’s not in the same country! She’s just phoning. Every 2-3 days would be more sensible. Just have something to say. She should insist on a bed when she visits though.

Hi OP, just wondering how you got on with the visit?

Crikey I mean this in the nicest way but step back, stop trying to please her, you can’t. This isn’t about you being a good/bad daughter she just gets her kicks from being awful. She thinks the calls are dry , your reaction should be ok I’ll cut them down then but instead because you are desperate for her to like you that’s not your response. Your partner probably sees what a cow she is and doesn’t tolerate it and why should he. Stop managing her well trying to, you can’t control how she treats you, you can only remove yourself.

She doesn’t need to be in the same country to be affected by an awful parent. It consumes you, your stomach is in knots, you feel physically ill .

How did things go, OP?

You’ll just have to be blunt - you don’t have a bed for me so I’m not coming. End of.

How did it all go OP?