Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

[tangoonfriday]

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

Few things come to mind.

Firstly, what interactions do go ok, and bring some (even mild) pleasure to you both?

Secondly, the roots of how she is are probably in her childhood. Find out more about that (one way or another) and you may find it slightly easier to deal with her.

Thirdly, you don't have to reply or react to her. Silence and/or changing the subject can be VERY effective.
IME usually the difficult person doesn't have the brass neck to confront you about it, ...
but if they do, "Well, I didn't really know WHAT to say!" is a good all purpose response. By the time they've gone, "what do you mean you didn't know what to say?" (and they probably won't, there'll just be light sulking) you'll have had enough thinking time to come up with something, e.g.
"I don't understand why you say you want to see me but you act the opposite, surely if you want someone to come stay you at least offer them a bed and somewhere to hang clothes..."

THIS
reas up on FOG
say no - you deserve peace.

And daily calls ?
Knock them on the head.
Just cos a woman birthed you doesn't give them the life long right ti abuse you ..... haven't you got a busy life to be living
Do you really have time / headspace for your selfish , controlling, narcissistic, nasty , ungrateful, uncaring mum?
If you do...
Go volunteer somewhere, you'd get more appreciation and you'd actually be helping someone who genuinely needed it.

Could you get something like this delivered https://www.amazon.co.uk/DYNMC-you-Folding-Mattress-Comfortable/dp/B085S36YWS/ref=ascdffB085S36YWS?mcid=f39b8aa298573e5bbae61f9c73c848ca&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697278107951&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16219157893134278764&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046891&hvtargid=pla-923316437033&psc=1&gadsource=1 ?

It can fit in a cupboard between visits. If she throws it out or makes a big fuss, then you have your justification to stay in a hotel on any future visits.

I was not sure whether to start a new thread. Since you have been so helpful I wanted to ask further question. (I will be updating here).
We spoke today again. I told DM what a beautiful Christmas tree DP and I bought today and that in fact I think this is the most beautiful tree I have ever had. DM displeased and commented that I must have had more beautiful tree at home. Initially I got confused about the 'home' so I asked what she meant and she meant that I 'must have had more beautiful tree when I was a child and lived at home'.
I said 'I don't remember those trees that well and I am sure they were lovely' but I know what my DM was doing - she was diminishing my current tree, my joy, my style etc. As if it was a competition. As is as an adult I can not consider my tree the most beautiful.
It triggered straight away a story that happened to me when I was 16yo and a weekend before Christmas I was invited to my friend for a sleepover. She and her parents lived in this beautiful house and she had a beautiful large bedroom and lots of cool stuff plus I was in true awe of her and her home. We had a bliss and I still remember that weekend decades later. When I got home and told my DM about the weekend and how happy I was, how I enjoyed it and how I liked their house my DM did not speak to me for days and it was Christmas. Eventually she told me she was hurt by my joy of staying at those people's house and she took my enthusiasm as offence and criticism of our home. Our home was very nice and it is not what I meant. I smiply enjoyed myself there.
The Christmas tree story today was the same. There was that offence. There is offence in everything, even in style of my home, things I have at home. I realise how careful I became in sharing things with DM, how I have to pre- judge everything, every topic. I am so caucious all my life. My question is how do I go about it? I feel like everythig is to provoke a conflict.

Why do you feel guilty? Do you think she feels guilty about how she has treated/is treating you? Of course not.

OP

There's nothing good for you in all this.
Stop calling her, or at least reduce it to once a week first.
And just stay at home this Christmas - lie and tell her you're sick or whatever.
She's controlling and psychologically abusing you, and she's done so for decades.

Oh, the demanding you go where they go, visiting their friends and neighbours and relatives, etc, yours being irrelevant. As if you were 8 years old. Sounds familiar to me! It’s because they only see you as an adjunct to their existence, to do their bidding, not worthy of real care or respect. Not allowing you to make up a proper bed with even a mattress on the floor is one example.

At 80, this could go on for years, another decade or more. So I recommend you start getting your boundaries in a row now. It’s difficult but by this time next year you could be in a better place. A peaceful Xmas, fewer phone calls. They cannot force you to visit, phone, or give information you don’t want to share. If you find a good therapist this can help support you and sort it out emotionally too.

I don’t know if you will go or not but I wouldn’t bother again and if I went this Xmas I would stay in a hotel. You can easily make excuses in future years - illness, your age, other plans, travel difficulties.

Self centred parents can huff and puff, sulk, complain, be self pitying and rude. But they cannot make you do anything you don’t want to - if you consistently stand your ground. Eventually they get to accept the new normal, whatever that may be.

I'm not a therapist but I do think you desperately need one. I had a good therapist who would help me practise having difficult conversations with the people I found it hard to communicate with.

It seems that you are desperately hoping for a magic phrase that will make things work - that you will have a conversation where your mum shows some actual love and care for you. I think if this somehow magically happened and your mum said 'oh poor you, your shoulder sounds painful, what can I do to help?' you would then be so overwhelmingly grateful for this little twitch of care that you would rush to her chaise longue and insist on sleeping on it even more.

It's a bit close to this emotionally charged visit to start making radical changes to a relationship that has shaped your whole life. All I'd say is, your mum leaving an awkward silence on the phone is something you could survive. As a child, you couldn't- she used that silent disapproval as a weapon, and as a child there was a fundamental threat to your survival so you had to act to stay alive. But now, at some point, if you go on talking to your mum, you are going to have to survive that silence and keep doing what is better for you.

I'm not very impressed that your dh seems to be leaving you to cope with this without support, but I'm also pleased that he refuses to stay with her and participate in the drama. Suppose you asked him to help you practice the conversation where you either let your mum know that you'll be staying in a hotel, or where you tell her you can't go at all? Write a script for yourself if you have to. Because if you want something to change, you are going to have to change it. Im sorry to repeat others, but your mother doesn't care enough about you to change a single thing in this situation. It is objectively ludicrous to make a woman in her ?50s sleep on a bloody chaise longue of all things for 5 days and shut down any alternative option. But actually, you CAN take action and survive her attempts to control you. You can book a hotel and tell her you're doing it. Or, if you can't get a room, you could cancel the visit. And when she goes silent, you could laugh, and say 'oh mum I knew I'd get the silent treatment for this! Don't be silly, I can't possibly do my back in for a month on that thing. What are you planning for Christmas dinner?'

Your mother sounds like a narcissist and it seems that you will never please her.

That being the case, I would personally give up trying to please her and please yourself instead. For me the best option would be to book a nearby hotel seeing as she is not prepared to provide a bed for you despite having a spare room.

She will be unhappy about the hotel but so what? Just keep repeating that now you are getting older yourself you need a proper bed or will get aches and pains. She won't care about others discomfort only her own but still, stick to that line and she will be forced to accept it.

Was your dad around when you were growing up OP?

I wonder why you feel the need to share so much information with your DM, given that you must know her likely response to anything positive.
My DPs are very elderly and no major emotional issues, but the information I share with them is very limited as if I do go beyond the banal, it turns the conversation into something different that I find awkward and uncomfortable as there's a fair bit of history rewriting or questioning if they were good enough DPs, it's kind of hard to describe. I feel that after 50 odd years of not discussing emotions I'm not prepared to take theirs on now.

However I'm lucky enough to just live an hour away so can visit for a day, which is possible to keep the tone light and breezy. My cousin lives further away and insists on visiting her DM for a full week even though it's a short inexpensive flight and they are well off.

I would book the hotel OP. It will give you some space in the evenings and ensure you don't cripple your back. You might find your DM more amenable to changing the arrangements once she finds you aren't prepared to accept them as they not acceptable for you.

How often do you call her and could it be less?

I think you also need some strategies for what to do on a call.
For example, open Mumsnet and be reading threads while letting her just grumble on while you answer with 'Hmm, oh no, how interesting' or whatever
You need some phrases when she asks you what you have been up to, one's that give her no information or as little information as possible as she can even use you buying a Christmas tree as fuel.
So if she asked what you have been up to you could answer:
Not much
You know, the usual
It's been very quiet really
Same stuff as normal
Not much to report

Airbnb. Keep her at armes length.

My goodness, she's your Mum etc but she can be a bit of a fun sponge can't she!

You must realise you can't make her happy, BUT you could make yourself happier by booking a hotel. If she asks why tell her you need to be comfortable and the bloody chaise long ISN'T! If she gets the hump then drop of presents and go do something else nearby that interests you or gives you joy!

Totally this. She's lucky that you visit her at all.

You can never change someone else, you can only change yourself

So ask yourself if you really really believed that your DM will NEVER change, she will always take offense at imagined slights, she will always give you the huffy/silent treatment, she will never make you physically or emotionally welcome in her home. Every interaction you have with her for the rest of your life will be like this…. What would you change about how YOU approach this situation.

You can never change someone else, you can only change yourself and how you approach a situation.

I would have a long hard think about this idea and really be firm with yourself about not dreaming about the relationship you hope for or feel that you should have with your mother.

It sounds like your mother is emotionally broken and at 80 I dont think she is going to therapy / counseling to try and analyse and work on herself … so the reality is that she is what she is.

I hope you can find some peace with this, because you sound like a lovely person and you deserve a DM who can appreciate and love you

I Sense a degree of overwhelm on your part. In a way you're doing a bit of what you told us your mum does, as in ruminating on things that happened years ago. I've been through similar things with my own. Here's my rule these days, it stems from some affirmations I took on board a while ago.
AFFIRMATION:

"Life is short and fragile, everyone thinks they have for ever to make things right."

I was the injured party when I came across this but it helped me reflect upon the fact that you can only be responsible for yourself.

If the thought of seeing your mum is so terribly triggering for you then don't see her. She seems to throw up a lot of issues for you. You said earlier on that her great age steered you some what, that there may not be many more christmasses remaining. Maybe that could steer you towards a decision about not to or to? If you are actually 100% sure it's your mum coming up with all of this then just choose what you want to do.
I found forgiveness and a warm response for mine no matter what she came up with from the space that I occupied in Grace. As in: Some times mum says triggering things to me but I'm not biting, I'm a fifty something woman with an ageing, very hard of hearing mum, she's physically vulnerable and finds life much harder since dad died, I'm guessing she finds it difficult that I live at a distance but one day she may reflect upon the fact that I am always kind to her, that I myself am getting older and that I need a bit of consideration.

Having said that to my self I can cope. I've done my best, I cannot make her accepting of my good humour. Ruminating upon the past does not help her and it won't help you either. Just be at peace with this and don't take every single thing people say on board. Only your truth will solve this. It doesn't require mitigation. What ever occurs you are a loving and worthwhile person and deserve to be loved uncondionally. I hope you have a great holiday.

Thats ending a relationship stuff.....

sounds to me OP your DM has some deep seated issues about validation / envy / and control in her own life and seems in order to make herself feel better she is in effect 'bullying' you to gain a higher ground... this sounds like a truly awful situation to be in and i can only assume she has nobody visiting her except you as this is how she treats others... except they steer clear for fear of confrontation (I don't think I could hold my tongue) you are an absolute saint 😇 for putting up with this but in doing so it is now harder to break the habit of being able to stand up for yourself, but you must put your own comforts and happiness to the forefront otherwise you are at risk of resenting your visits to your DM (although i think this resentment has already set in)
The only thing you can do going forwards is to be firm but truthful about how you feel and that if your needs cannot be met you will have no alternative but to stay in a hotel... as for the visits you should simply say i am going to do 1 day over xmas with you and 1 with my friends (that is fair) if she wants to give you the silent treatment ...all she is doing is spiting herself as you will be staying away if she sulks... wishing you all the best BE STRONG 😇😇😇

So you've linked up some really important information. Your mum is very sensitive to comparison and criticism, so much so that it seems however much she constantly projects out that she is perfect, she actually feels really not good enough. That's the bit she projects onto you. But actually, you are great. And she is ok too. Maybe how she behaves isn't ok, but she herself, if she could just be herself, probably is ok. This knowledge can help you separate her stuff from your stuff. So that she can't take away from you enjoying your Christmas tree. (In your head) Oh mum, just because I have something good, that I like, it doesn't mean yours weren't good, it's just not what I was talking about.

I would say reading some comments was hard for me but necessary. I even felt bad for initially sharing about the chaise lounge thinking I am a bad daughter for complaining but I think this is conditioning. I am glad I did as many comments are very valid.

There has been a lot of control over the years. I remember as a teenager and young adult I had no privacy hence I moved out at 21. The envy, comparison, perfection - yes I observed that over the years in minor acts of behaviour or comments.
DM and my DP are in fact similar towards me and sometimes I feel they somewhat fight over me. Who is going to have me closer this week, yet with both of them I feel like I can never be truly myself. I am conditioned, controlled and a bit stuck. I know how to please them so I have some breathing space but I am also aware this is not how it should be and not healthy for me.

When my DP is horrible towards me and I used to say to my DM I had a difficult day at home, she would be supportive but if days later she would be angry with me about something and wanted to say something hurtful she would say 'oh I am not surprised he treats you like that' implying I deserve it.

I do feel I am stuck between them. I will change that just not ready yet, too much other stuff going on.
With both DM and DP I always plan what I am going to say, how I will steer conversation, I am never truly myself and relaxed. They are very similar and I suspect I have some codependency issue.

My DM thinks she knows me very well and always makes the point but the truth is she has no idea who I am. I left home at 21. When I tell her about some friend and she doesnt know the person (as why would she, I met that person in the last decade) she is always dissapointed she is not well informed, DP is the same about my friends and many other things.
I work with people in an environment that requires a lot of empathy and consideration for people's needs. Sometimes I will anegdotaly say something and my DM would say that my job requires a tough character (she always used to describe me as tough, hard, etc which I am totally not and anyone who knows me well, knows I am soft and very gentle). My boundary is I say 'no Mum my job requires empathy' then she tries to retrieve herself that she meant to do my job one needs to be mentally strong and I am strong and tough - to which I say no Mum I am very affected and reflective about some of the stuff that goes on at work. I myself get confused what she means but historically she would call me tough, unsympathetic, harsh, etc which nobody ever called me. Never! It must have been some sort of projection.

Good news is we did not speak yesterday and I thought we would have much to talk about today but no. We spoke about others from our circle but then she got iritated that we talk about others not us, our family. Well there is only the two of us so not much to talk about. She urgently needed to tell me that she received this beautiful wreath but not sure from who. I said that its lovely someone surprised her. Yet she was able to turn it into a problem and be huffed and puffed because I did not see it as a problem therfore I am not on her side. I do worry about those 5 days next week. Will it be dear diary here...

My ex DH was brilliant with my DM and she adored him. He would pacify any stuation with charm, wit and humour. I miss that. I know he was doing this to help me and out of love. My current DP would fuel conflict with my DM and I would be left inbetween. I never thought I will say that but how your DP is with your elderly is also important becasue if he is like my ex DH used to be that is very helpful and decompressing. I miss that.

Stop being a martyr and book a hotel. If she's offended then you explain you can't sleep at her place as you are uncomfortable. End of discussion.

Hotel is a better option, if you do go, than buying a bed for her place - or sleeping on the punishment chaise - as it's a one off response. Doesn't tie you into going again and sleeping on the new bed. It just fixes the immediate issue of comfort and space.