I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

When my elderly was at the active dying stage , a medical person was in the home and phoned for a hospice bed , which was unavailable . They then phoned the hospital and spoke with a manager of a ward and was told no point in admittance as dying anyway .
Thankfully a hospice bed became available later that day and they were given the care ( and medication ) they needed.

I guess a half fall might be that MIL stumbled but managed to catch hold of something and not fall down on the floor?

Anyway, good luck today, hold the line, it is the best thing for your MIL as well as for you and kids.

Her legs went under her, personally I think she fully fell but SIL doesn't want to admit it.
Thank you, first thing I do when I get there is ask for a catheter for her so she doesn't have to move out of bed.
I know I've let MIL down by letting her children do this and I feel awful. But she isn't going to suffer anymore, I can tell by her face what she's thinking.

@ChristmasGrinch24 you have done amazing. Considering this is your mil and your in contention with her children you should be so proud of yourself. I’ve seen a few comments judging you for not calling an ambulance sooner ect it’s not fair you’re not the adult that should have to make the decisions and such hard ones too. I hope your ok and a handhold for the next few weeks it’s a tough time and it may well get a lot worse (this was me in 2023) just know and remember you did all you could xx

I think she should be in hospital and very much hope she goes today, but if anything else goes awry with this happening, staying in bed with appropriate pads (the wrap type) would remove the need for unsafe transfers to the commode. A catheter will not solve the problem if she needs to open her bowels. Changing them would not be difficult (especially) with 2 people if she weighs 5 stone.

That's just another reason why I called the ambulance. She needs the nurses to help her open her bowels, be it a whole team of them if needed! Two people isn't enough, it's not a safe transfer.
SIL is STILL kicking off, my eldest & his cousin have heard all of it keeping my eldest off school this morning anyway due to the lymph node situation but I'm tempted to just scream back directly in her face. But I won't.
Once MIL has been taken to hospital, I will tell SIL she needs to stay at MILs place or go home.
I'm taking control of the situation. Like I said I don't care if I never see her again, long as I keep my promise to MIL she doesn't suffer then I can sleep easy in the future knowing I've tried my best but now she's going to be safe & secure.

The idea of wraps is that they can be changed in bed without the person having to try to stand. I think it is past the stage of trying to get these things in place though and hospital is definitely best.

Yeah there's no getting that into place, I tried yesterday with the district nurses "no the NHS doesn't fund for incontience." (Yes they do I know this as my eldest was in NHS nappies till the age of 6!)
SIL is trying to say MIL feels stronger today and needs another chance of staying at home, but this happens every day she's a bit better in the mornings and then deterates through the day!
And now she's going into my eldest room trying to wake the kids up even though I've told her to leave my son to sleep, ffs.
At this rate I'll be kicking her out of my house in her PJs!

Where is your DP in all this, OP?

DP was up till 6am, stressing unable to sleep about it all. He heard her fall last night and ran up to help and asked why didn't SIL say she was moving her, he's changed all her sheets and washed them. And then couldn't sleep he is neurodivergent so things like this stop him from sleeping.z

I think you've been really let down by a lot of people, OP, and I'm so sorry. A close relative died at home earlier this year and he had a catheter and adult nappies, all sorted out by the district nurses. I'm so surprised they wouldn't help out in this case.

I hope the ambulance arrives shortly then you can have some respite.

We had this with my MIL, FIL couldn’t cope, I told him to call for an ambulance. They came out, took one look at her, and took her to hospital straight away, GP had seen her 2 days before, she virtually stopped eating, she rallied in hospital for a few days, then went downhill and refused all food and medication. She died peacefully, clean and cared for, which would not have been the case at home.

You've really been let down by your partner. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything. Just "worrying" isn't enough.

I've been let down by everyone. Not just him alone. Everyone.

The ambulance hasn't even arrived.
I've got the GP ringing me to ask if she's now permanent residency, I've told them no.

Another hand to hold yours.

Joining the hand holding. You’re doing brilliantly @ChristmasGrinch24

Me too with the metaphorical handholding @ChristmasGrinch24 . Hold the line, you’re nearly there.

OP have read your whole thread and wow you are a saint with doing what you have been for your Mother in Law as well as your every day stuff with your boys etc. I really hope that the ambulance arrives soon and your Mother in Law is settled in hospital with all that she needs to be comfortable and you have a chance to have a breather, a catch up sleep. I really hope that this all works out for you and your family and your Mother in Law is given the care and respect she deserves at this stage. (And you get to tell your Sister in Law how selfish she has been)

The ambulance didn't turn up. Busy apparently. Could be waiting a day as it's not urgent I could just take her there I've been told... even though she can't do the bloody stairs!!!
The GP has been done another assessment after last night, they have a palliative care bed at a care home but the district nurses need to the paperwork.

Holding a hand for you to keep going 💪

You’re doing bloody amazing, hang in there.

Good for you OP, I hope they arrive very soon. You must be exhausted!

I'd also say when they come, if she does not have capacity, then your husband can make a 'best interests' decision on her behalf, which means he can decide she needs hospital, hospice or a care bed and it is not up to her. If she has brain mets, is confused, wandering, then it is very risky to have her upstairs at night.

People say they want to die in their own bed, but she's not even in her own bed or home, and what they really mean is they want a peaceful and painfree time- she will not get that without either hospice at home in her own home or a hospice or palliative care bed. You are doing the right things here OP, you cannot keep her at your home upstairs where she is a falls risk and needs proper palliative care, let alone the stress on you.

Crossed fingers the palliative bed in a care home comes through and the paperwork is sorted, or you get her into hospital today or tomorrow, SIL can scream and cry, but she is screaming and crying as her mum is dying and she can't face that, you are doing the right thing in the face of this.

Hopefully the nurses can fill in the forms soon and you get her in the home over the weekend. I’m thinking of you.

I’ve been reading your thread and sending you all my best wishes, you’ve been amazing to your MIL, I do hope that bed turns up for her.