I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Agree. That poor old woman.

On the off chance that there is a bed, is it not a chance worth taking?

The OP and SIL are going thirteen rounds as if their beef is the only important aspect of this situation.

It is not.

Can you take the kids and go to your MIL's bungalow alone OP? Leave your husband and his vile sister to it. I think you mentioned it was nearby. Even if not ideal, it would give you headspace. You are going through horrendous stress with your child atm too, that alone would break some people. Doesn't your SIL care about that? She sounds horrifically selfish.

You have such a lot of your plate at the moment. I sincerely hope that your DS's ultrasound goes well and that 2025 has something very nice in store for you.

What is your SIL's objection to your MIL returning to her home? Is she worried your DH wouldn't pull his weight and would leave her to it? It doesn't sound like you're getting the best versions of either of them at the moment, so perhaps better to keep your expectations low and not rely on either of them. Neither have the capacity to consider your needs at the moment, so you will need to be your own champion.

How does your DH feel about his mother potentially passing in your home? I think you have more than enough going on and are well within your rights to say no, but I also know that end of life is exceptionally unpredictable. My advice would be to either take immediate direct action to prevent it (and those options seem very limited to either hospital or her own home at this exact moment in time) or start to think about how you will make peace with her passing in your home if it does happen unexpectedly before a hospice bed becomes available. Sorry, I don't think you should have to face that, but I also think that having a mental plan of how you'd cope should it happen would be wise. For example, you could plan to buy a new bed and rearrange your room. Nothing will make it ok if it's something that is distressing for you, but having a plan helps us continue.

Quite

Op you are under enormous pressure. Ask sil to leave and it can be discussed tomorrow. Call an ambulance once she has gone, and the drs at the hospital can assess her needs properly.

My thoughts are with you all. This is the hardest situation 💐

She doesn't want MIL in her own home because she doesn't want to be stuck here looking after her.
Shes had another accident in the bed and I've said she needs to change it "no it's fine till tomorrow she's not sleeping in it." UGHHHHH
She wants DP to take her downstairs to change the bed tomorrow, dp cant lift her by herself and I've just nearly dislocated my knee and she's not strong enough to lift the wheelchair not to mention it's fucking dangerous.
I'm done for the evening, I'm seething.

It’s time you all started thinking of the sick old woman, confused and in pain and not these petty things. You’re setting up horrible trauma for your DCs too.

I work in this area and would be ringing and would be ringing an ambulance myself if it knew where she was. I can’t actually believe this

First thing in the morning. Ambulance. She can refuse all she likes. She doesn't live here so she can't just demand she stays here. I'm done I really really mean it.

OP, please call the ambulance- tomorrow am first thing, or even tonight.

If you carry round this very frail and in pain old lady she may fall, you may fall, your husband may fall down the stairs. If her bed is not changed, then she will get bed sores/have urine on her skin, she needs two people to lift her and two people to move her in bed, change her, wash her and so on.

You can't do this any more and it's reached crisis stage (by you I mean all of you together can't do this, let alone you as an individual person).

You can call the ambulance now, there's no need to wait until tomorrow.

You've been saying you will tomorrow for about a week(?) now and that you're done. Please please just make that call.

This completely this, honestly we are in safeguarding territory now.

Call an ambulance now.

Why tomorrow?

I've read this thread from the start and I really do sympathise with you....but this "tomorrow, tomorrow" is getting very waring.

Why tomorrow? Why not now?

If you ring now it may not come until tomorrow anyway as they’re so busy and it won’t be a high priority as she isn’t having a heart attack etc. so please ring 999 now for her sake and yours and your children’s.

Op I feel for you. This is a horrid situation. But I feel more for the poor woman dying in pain while her family argue around her. There is no dignity in any of this and she is suffering. If your useless Dh and his sister can't make the call then you need to. Someone has to advocate for the poor woman. A hospice would be the best option but if there isn't a bed available she'd still be better off in hospital with proper medical care and pain relief.

You have done your best but you're not coping and it's ok to admit that.

Pick up the phone and call the ambulance right now.

Fgs

Does your DP think your mum dying in your house is the best of the possible outcomes? He doesn’t seem to be saying much either for or against SIL.

I'm not sure its helpful to tell the OP to call an ambulance now. The OP has been crying out for her DP and his sister, who are the MIL's children, to step up, make a decision, care for their mother in their mother's home nearby, or the SIL's home, or call an ambulance, or arrange a hospice bed, or clean up after their mother, or support the OP who is dealing with this and her own disability and her children with disabilities.

To the point that she is telling her DP, father of her children, that if he doesn't take action she is permanently leaving because she doesn't want her MIL dying in her house/bed and/or her children witnessing their grandmother die.

From where I'm sitting, the OP is being very reasonable but no-one, not family, not GP, not district nursing, not cancer care, not hospice care, not palliative care, not the hospital, no-one, is taking any responsibility, except for the OP.

And she is watching her MIL die and she cares very much for her MIL, but is at the end of her tether. This thread is an outlet for her, and we need to support her, not berate her at this very distressing time.

I'm not surprised she's telling her DP that she's leaving forever with the kids. Because in these circumstances I'm helping her pack and get out of the door.

I'm so sorry that no-one is taking responsibility for your MIL, OP. Now is not the time to make decisions about your relationship, but later on, when you've had time to reflect, remember what blood relatives put on you. Remember that. Because they've shown you who you are.

Sending hugs 💐💐💐

Well said @MyrtleStrumpet

Can't police remove your sil from the house?

More outlandish nonsense. On what grounds?

Nailed it @MyrtleStrumpet. Like the NHS at the minute can just pull beds out of their arse. Poor old lady would likely die in a corridor.

Thanks @MyrtleStrumpet

I've woken up this morning & SIL told me she needed the commode in the night and half fell?! How someone can half fall?
I've told her why didn't she wake me, I've checked MIL over (thankfully no broken bones!!) and told them both she needs an ambulance. she must go to hospital this morning, while a&e is quieter and she needs to be admitted.
On no certain terms is she to be discharged back to my home or our care, she's kicked off, she's screamed, she's cried to try and stop me but I've done it.
Ambulance should be here in next few hours as it's not an emergency I've asked them to come as we cannot get her out of bed or down the stairs safely and I know they have the tools to do it.

Yes now is not the time to decide big things about relationships or relatives, but I tell you now I will be washing my hands of SIL. The amount of stupidity they have done in the past few weeks is unreal.

And don't worry I'm sat with MIL and I'm not letting anyone try and take her out of bed till they get here.