I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

Oh get a grip, the child is 13 fgs. A simply chat would eliminate the need for further action.

Ignore them, this isn't a safeguarding situation. You are doing all you can and those of us who have been in such a desperate situation can see that and can sympathise with how difficult it is ♥️

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this OP, you are doing so well in absolutely crap circumstances. Don’t listen to the rubbish about your son and safeguarding him. You’re doing your best and trying to get alternative solution’s for her care.

I was in a similar situation but luckily they found a hospital bed quickly and she got the care she needed and what I couldn’t give her. I know she would have preferred to die at home but it would have been awful for this to happen as she would have been in a pain whereas she passed very peacefully in hospital either her family.

Do you have Hospice at Home in your area? The local hospice may know this as the district nurses may not. You need a bag of JIC meds which are injectable or through a syringe driver, not just morphine pills for end of life care.

So hard OP and you are doing a wonderful job of caring for her in less than ideal circumstances, and it sounds like everyone is just hoping they don't have to do anything about the situation. Keep being the squeaky wheel.

Sorry you are going through this. As you described her performance status is unlikely to meet the threshold of chemotherapy. I’m so sad to see the decline of Pall Care services in this country and that we are in the situation of charities providing such basic and important care such as dying well. This is why the assisted dying bill cannot go through until palliative care services are properly invested, otherwise we will have people opting for suicide because they have no other option.

or until families actually seek proper help

How is your MIL getting dressed? how is she toileting? attending to personal care? or are you just allowing her to live in her filth? which is neglect by the way!

There are shortage of beds in Hospice however, Care Homes are an alternative and can provide 24/7 end of life care. If OP is refusing to admit her MIL into a care home or hospital, this is neglect and potentially a safeguarding.

The local authroity have a duty to the MIL however, if they do not know about the situation (it sounds like they dont know) how can they support this lady?

OP and her husband should be contacting adult social care for support.

Yes I know that would be neglect! I'm not a child.

I'm doing it, I'm changing her bed sheets every day and when needed. I'm helping her get changed, and helping her to the commode.

Yes they do know about her.. hence why the GP is trying to sort a palliative bed?
I swear people just read what they want to read on here and ignore the rest.

Ignore that poster accusing you of neglect. That's clearly bollocks. You are doing everything possible and you have explained everything really well during the thread.

As you say, how could the GP be trying to arrange palliative care if they were unaware of your MIL.

Thanks @Topseyt123

Sorry for snapping, just fed of people coming on here accusing me of things when they have no idea. Been a bad day today, she's been very confused and very quiet. Had another accident as didn't get to the commode on time.
Doesn't help that I have a million things to do, everyday just seems endless pick this up, pick that up, ring this person, ring that person, on top of endless washing & housework, and looking after two kids and all their Christmas activities!
I still haven't even got the bloody Christmas tree up!

@ChristmasGrinch24 I have previously said that you need to get her to hospital. the quickest way is to get your hubby to lift her into the car and take her directly to a/e. no point phoning an ambulance. they wont be able to send her home on her own until there is at least a care package in place. I agree with a previous poster that your mother sounds a lot closer to passing then they seem to think. I have seen many, being a retired nurse! the last was my daughter and she had terrible care from nhs till 5 days before she died. she was admitted straight to hospice and put on morphine. the actual day she died I had her and in the shower and 7 hours later, she passed away. they dont often get confusion. I think this is more likely the brain mets getting worse. this is so unfair to you and your family and her obviously, having to go through this virtually alone. I agree, men are pretty useless in times like this. you are struggling to cope because you seem to be doing this alone and you also have your children to look after. I can assure you that they will find a bed for her, xx

Exactly this. Please take you mil to hospital it's the kindest thing.

I've rang the GP still struggling to find a bed so I've rang her lung cancer team and told them what's going on.
They are going to speak to her constulant and go through all her blood work etc and see if they can find something the GP has missed. Clutching at straws.
They're also chasing the macmillian community based nurses.

@ChristmasGrinch24 I've just reread all your posts and apologies if I'm wrong and have done so, but you need to talk to social services as well as the GP/DNs/oncologist. None of these services, local authority or medical, work in isolation and you need everyone possible to be aware of the situation.

Carers coming in 4x day to help ensure she is clean and comfortable, bed changed etc is not the total answer but it may lessen the load on you and the social worker can link in with the medical side and act as a point of coordination. Phone the Adult Social Care number and leave nothing out about the situation.

I did 3 decades in adult social services (and am now a 24/7 carer myself) and would have recognised this as very serious and needing some immediate input.

She's just peed all over my carpets again 😭😭😭

This poor women, I hope she can be taken somewhere where she has her dignity and 24 hour care in her last few days/weeks.

Him & his sister are both in denial
His sister is coming up to take care of her in my house, I've said there's no space she's needs to be in her own home that's accessible or in a palliative care bed but no both insisting she's fine to stay at mine!
It's fucking nuts.

OP

Is there any way you can take your kids to a local friend or relative or even a last minute travelodge and just leave them to it for a few days. Maybe together they will reach the conclusion you have.

No, my family are in leciestershire I live in Durham.
They are saying they can't take her to hers as she's been sick on the floor and it's stained the floor (bare floor boards).
Idiots I'm surrounded by fucking idiots.

I told him this is HIS fault as she went to the commode last night and he was supposed to take her again middle
Of
The night or early this morning and he didn't. It's neglect I told him. But oh no. I'm in the one whose in the wrong being a bitch on purpose.

You can contact the GP and ask for a continence assessment and she can be supplied with continence products free of charge. In the meantime go on Amazon/Boots and buy some pull up continence pants. This will prevent further incidents or urinating on your carpets and beds and keep it all contained.
Ask the district nurse and CHC Fast Track end of life funding to provide carers to support her, and a waking night carer can be arranged to give you both a good sleep.
Adult Social Services can be contacted but if she is End of Life, they will liaise with the district nurses as her primary needs are health.

OP, I have nothing to offer but a huge virtual hug and hand hold.

The people on this thread are being vile to you. You're not neglecting anyone. You're doing your absolute best.

If nobody is helping you, it feels like the world is against you.

If I were you I'd send a strongly worded text to your siblings-in-law and say, look. Your mother is dying. She's dying in my house and you're not doing a damn thing. Get yourselves here and spend her last hours with her.

Then take yourself and the children out for a while. Then book a hotel and get a good nights sleep.

The problem I have is that the sister is saying the brother to decide and the brother is saying for the sister to decide.
So today if they come together they should be able to decide.
I've got to rip the landing carpet up, the bedroom carpet, Chuck a £900 bed as she's peed all down the divan sides.
I'm so angry with them both. I've barely slept as my diabetic son kept going into hypos.
They haven't even thought if the boys cousin is here they won't want to go to fucking school. Selfish fucks. That's all I can say.

Their mum didn't want to suffer and that's what's happening. If it was my mother she'd be in a care home straight away and I'd be spending quality time with her not this shit.

Can you contact her GP and get her on end of life? With the rattling breathing etc it seems like that's where she's at.

They should organise nurses (from a hospice or charity) and a just in case box, to get her comfortable. Them letting her suffer is not okay

I don't want her dying in my house . They are just so insufferable it's unreal. It's just what they want; they not thinking about my kids or anything. I'm one step away from handing my tenancy back to the agency and fucking off.