I can't do this anymore

[ChristmasGrinch24]

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

@ChristmasGrinch24 I totally understand that and sympathise entirely but there may not be much time now, and she needs pain management

@ChristmasGrinch24 is there somewhere you can go? Family, friends or hotel? Anywhere? Until you step back they (your DH and SIL) will just let you run yourself ragged.

I know you don't want to abandon your MIL but you need to force their hand and protect yourself and kids.

Ffs call an ambulance!

Yes, this is what I would do. Then stand very firm that you CANNOT care for her. Your partner sounds useless.

Call an ambulance. It might not come for hours but say she is end stage cancer and dying

Cover beds chairs with waterproof protection

People have been telling OP this for a full week now. It's not going to happen.

Ultimately, OP is not the NOK. The only thing she can really do is take herself and her kids away and leave for DP and SIL.

OP, is MIL’s house close enough that you and the kids could go there?

The OP is trying to respect her mil wishes which were not to go into hospital.
And TBH I'm not sure she should .
Also none of us know what condition her MIL is in .
If she's getting out of bed to use a commode, even with assistance, she may not be seen as needing admission or end of life care.
Didn't the district nurse feel that there was some way to go before a referral to Marie Curie could be made ?

You do not have to be NOK to call an ambulance, to get medical help for someone or to make the decision about who is in your house causing you mountains of care work that you cannot manage.

I would find it extremely difficult to go against my husband’s wishes for his dying parent. To banish her from
our house against his opposition. And if I did it, or he did it to me, I wouldn’t be massively surprised to end up divorced.

It is very easy to sit here and shout, but that would be a hell of a thing to do, with an ongoing impact. Even if it is in the abstract the right thing to do.

I have suggested to OP a couple of times that she leaves the house with the kids and leaves the care work to MIL’s children.

For the rest: see my post above yours.

Totally agree.
If things like pain can be sufficiently managed at home and the husband wants her to stay, then going against that for his mum doesn't sit right with me. Its more his decision.

However, he can't decide she should stay at home but delegate most of the care to you. He needs to be doing the lion's share, he needs to be doing the personal care, the cleanup etc, and carers need to be coming in to help.

Practically speaking, waterproof sheets, puppy pads and if she'll accept them, incontinence pants will help with the practical management. I appreciate that volumes are larger than with an adult, but most things don't need to be chucked because they've been peed on.

If a bed comes available, great, but if not, then someone needs to give you a realistic estimate of how long she's got left. If it's likely 2 or 3 days then you may be able to muddle through, if it's weeks and she's going to be at home you both need to think about how to make it a little more viable, maybe for you to go away for a break etc. If it's months, then it's unlikely she'd be eligible a hospital or hospice bed but a care home could work, as looking after her at home for anything other than short term clearly isn't going to work.

I agree with this. I hope you can find a way to disappear and drop them all in it, selfish horrible bastards all of them 🤬

That's the thing nobody's given us a time frame, it's like how long is a piece of string.
She is very very poorly, the Gp said that he cannot make a estimate as he was a new GP to her but he didn't think she'd see 2025.
I need someone who knows her to actually give us some kind of time frame.

I've told partner that tomorrow his sister goes and cleans her bungalow and they MUST take her to hers as I simply do not have the space for 8 people to be sleeping in a tiny house. It's ridiculous. If they don't then I'm
Gone with the kids and I won't ever be coming back.
I know I don't have to throw everything the mattress & carpets will have to go though as it's gotten through to the under lay. The bed I probably could scrub with a vax.
I'm just fed up and pretty desperate, they should never of put this on me.

Their mum is dying. I think they aren’t behaving well and are putting far too much on OP but selfish horrible bastards is… extreme.

Yes - DP and SIL taking MIL to hers is a good plan. If you feel up to it, you could keep SIL’s DC with you - do you think you could?

SIL is kicking off saying she's been sick at the floor at hers so there's bacteria (even though it has been cleaned) but surely urinating on the bed/carpet means there's bacteria at mine 😂😭😂

Is SIL already there?

Jesus wept I have just read all your post OP and I could scream with frustration on your behalf.

The whole situation is just appalling and you must be a saint to put up with this shitshow. I hope something changes soon, nobody should have to endure this.

I feel sorry for your MIL as well, what an undignified way to end a life, but most of my sympathy is with you.

Couple of hours away

Thank you I'm just glad some people get it, and understand where I'm
Coming from.
Feel like I'm paying rent to basically have SIL dictate what goes on in my house. I should
Of refused to have my MIL stay in hindsight. Should
Of drove her to hostipal the very first day she started going downhill.

You poor thing, and poor her as well. I know why you haven't done more than you can because you are doing everything in terms of care, with minimal support and thinking they would be taking her elsewhere, and now what you have been landed with is an incontinent confused wandering lady and knowing how ill she is you aren't able to turn your back on her, which makes you a lovely person, and highlights their deficiencies as children.

You are doing the right thing OP, but it's unsustainable for you and may get worse. If she was staying with you, you could get set up for care with a hospital bed, the continence team, hospice at home/palliative care and so on. You are not, and you cannot be responsible for her, she may get bed sores as well from the fact you cannot administer to her enough yourself and care for your other children. You are disabled, your children are disabled, you are their carer. I would- in addition to all the other people you have contacted, ring Adult Social Services immediately and get them out to do a proper assessment, and then they can lead the negotiations with the other teams (so CHC team, district nurses, palliative care). Unless they have decided she's too far gone. Then it will be their job to find her a care bed and not yours. Have you spoken with them yet?

I would also ask them to do a carer assessment on you, as you need care and your children need care and so arguing it is unsustainable because of your own and their care needs might get you a bit further.

The system is very complex and does not run smoothly in the UK, too many agencies and everyone hopes someone else will do something as there's a lack of capacity and they are all run ragged. I hope you get through to Adult Social Care because they will organise the search for a care/nursing bed, and if she's too far gone for that and is on CHC funding as end of life, that will then be very very clear, and the pressure for hospice at home or a hospice bed, or a care bed for palliative care will be even greater.

In other words, you don't just have to prove she's unwell- YOU also have carer and care needs yourself and your children do so I would let ASC know you are overcrowded, experiencing carer breakdown and you require a care assessment at the very least, just to turn up the pressure to get this sorted.

Carers assessment been done, they've deemed I'm having a carers breakdown with all this.