Page 2 | I blame Escape to the Country!

Mini712 · 2024-03-21T16:33:33+00:00

Is anyone else in the same situation? My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision. During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea. I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place! Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons? By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

RandomMess · 21/03/2024 18:15

You say no and ask them what are they going to do about building a local network including volunteer services and day centres because you are too far away to entertain or look after them.

Bonbonnes · 21/03/2024 18:48

I think 80 is about the time they absolutely need to be near you (perhaps in a nice retirement flat with people their age that may like to socialise ) The longer they put it off the harder it will be. Touch wood but if your mum became ill how would your already not too well Dad cope? Put your foot down maybe ? I know its hard though.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 21/03/2024 18:56

Time for your brother to get onboard and pull his weight.
Suspect he'll only surface when it comes time to dividing the spoils.
I speak from experience.

Severalwhippets · 21/03/2024 18:59

It’s wrong that you feel guilty op. They haven’t been a part of your life for 12 years!! It’s sad you only see them now because their health is plummeted, I guess you wouldn’t be seeing them for dust otherwise.

Start saying no. No to the long stays. No to Easter and insist they move back if they want support. They are being very selfish.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 21/03/2024 19:08

They made a choice. This is the consequence of that choice !

Original poster

Mini712 · 21/03/2024 19:18

Mum5net · 21/03/2024 17:31

Just a thought , OP, but is their Dorset home rentable?
Could they rent it out further down the line if things go more pear-shaped and then rent a smaller 1 bed place near to you using proceeds?
Would mean a double up on household bills, Council Tax etc but they would have a foot in both camps.

Also if you haven't got POA I would hurry them along. It also sounds like he would qualify for attendance allowance, which isn't means tested.

Yes, we have mentioned sorting out POA & Dad has a blue badge.

Thank you for the suggestions, much appreciated x

OP posts:

BellatrixLestranger · 21/03/2024 19:25

Why are you worried sick and feeling guilty? You haven't done anything wrong? You're not a court jester to entertain them.

Actions have consequences and I'm betting anything they weren't feeling sick and guilty at missing out on providing you with company and support for the 12 years that they were blissfully enjoying their retirement. And now that their health is failing it's all hands on deck? Give me a break.

Karlah · 21/03/2024 19:29

My parents moved back to the UK, in later life, from abroad.

They said they were planning to live near me…then chose elsewhere.

I was really upset, but actually now that they need more help, I'm quite pleased they chose not to be near me.
However, I have made sure we don't get into ‘we are coming to stay’ either.

Their choice in living where they do and I'm afraid I'm not going to feel guilty for something they have chosen. They clearly didn't want to live near me and will have to get on with it now.

Bonbonnes · 21/03/2024 19:31

Mum5net · 21/03/2024 17:31

Just a thought , OP, but is their Dorset home rentable?
Could they rent it out further down the line if things go more pear-shaped and then rent a smaller 1 bed place near to you using proceeds?
Would mean a double up on household bills, Council Tax etc but they would have a foot in both camps.

Also if you haven't got POA I would hurry them along. It also sounds like he would qualify for attendance allowance, which isn't means tested.

This is a really good idea. Rent their house ( so they can always go back if they hate living near you , which is pretty unlikely ) then use that to perhaps rent a retirement flat which is imo better than buying one anyway. Defo get POA though hopefully you’ll never need to use it.

853ax · 21/03/2024 19:38

Can understand why he doesn't want to move again. Does sound difficult for your mother.
Give Easter a miss but perhaps go down to them weekend or two after ?
Can you dad stay home alone maybe you and mother could have hotel night .
You right about Escape to the country always get lots bedrooms for ' family to visit' I'd love to see a follow up did the grandchildren stay in those extra rooms more then twice!

LifeExperience · 21/03/2024 19:40

You have no reason to be worried sick or feel guilty. All of us lose our parents in the fullness of time as nature intends, and you have done nothing to feel guilty about. If they won't move back, then they will have to be prepared to outsource their medical care, home maintenance, etc. These are the consequences of their decision to move--they can't have it both ways. BTW, I'm retired and live far from my children. I understand that means that when the time comes I will have to accept the help of paid strangers.

Bonbonnes · 21/03/2024 19:44

LifeExperience · 21/03/2024 19:40

You have no reason to be worried sick or feel guilty. All of us lose our parents in the fullness of time as nature intends, and you have done nothing to feel guilty about. If they won't move back, then they will have to be prepared to outsource their medical care, home maintenance, etc. These are the consequences of their decision to move--they can't have it both ways. BTW, I'm retired and live far from my children. I understand that means that when the time comes I will have to accept the help of paid strangers.

Even if someone lives near their children they may still need to pay for some care tbf.

Original poster

Mini712 · 21/03/2024 19:44

853ax · 21/03/2024 19:38

Can understand why he doesn't want to move again. Does sound difficult for your mother.
Give Easter a miss but perhaps go down to them weekend or two after ?
Can you dad stay home alone maybe you and mother could have hotel night .
You right about Escape to the country always get lots bedrooms for ' family to visit' I'd love to see a follow up did the grandchildren stay in those extra rooms more then twice!

Yes, we were planning to go down at the beginning of May👍🏻.

You are right, I think sons have stayed there about 5 times🤔😬!

OP posts:

PleaseenterausernameX · 21/03/2024 19:45

So your dad was late 60s when he and your mum retired to Dorset. After decades of working and childrearing they were finally free to do as they pleased before proper old age came calling.

How wonderful - you should be delighted rather than resentful.

However, no one likes house guests who stay more than 3 nights (max!) and you need to tell them that. And that you've already got plans for Easter.

It's up to your mum to persuade your dad to move closer to you. It's their marriage and they are adults.

Original poster

Mini712 · 21/03/2024 19:51

AluckyEllie · 21/03/2024 18:04

I would say no to Easter and then have a really frank and honest conversation, bordering almost on rude. I would point out to your dad he is getting to need more help and this will only get worse. You live 3 hours away with a family and will not be travelling up and down every week to sort out their problems. They will have to have strangers coming into the house if he needs carers/cleaners/jobs he can no longer do. There will be no one to help your mum out, she will have to do everything around the house. I would also point out she will be left alone 3 hours away from everyone if anything happens to him. Then sell the good option- move closer to us, you and your family will be able to see them more often. They will have company and support face to face rather than over the phone. Get power of attorney sorted for both of them now as well if you haven’t already.
My father is in poor health at 82, with my mum doing all laundry/driving/shopping/cooking/gardening. We have outsourced the cleaning and dog walking, set up online shopping. We live 45 mins away and my sister about an hour. It is still too far really and I see them every week. There is always a list of jobs (house bits/sorting out standing orders/ maintenance needs organising that I have to do (and am happy to do.) My mum already knows neither me or my sister will be providing care and that if anything happens to her my dad will be straight into residential care. We have POA and dnar sorted.
I don’t tell you this to be morbid but his poor health is only going in one direction and we are probably two years further along from you- it would be infeasible to give this level of help from 3 hours away.

Thank you for the heads up…
All the comments have reaffirmed that I need to have a some unpleasant conversations 😞

OP posts:

PleaseenterausernameX · 21/03/2024 19:53

My comments didn't suggest you have an unpleasant conversation.

Why would you do that?

43ontherocksporfavor · 21/03/2024 19:55

Can you visit them ? Then you get to leave when you want plus get a trip to Dorset for your family.

FawnDrench · 21/03/2024 19:57

Suggest your brother hosts them - why are you doing all the entertaining and worrying and accommodating them?
Time for him to step up ffs.

BorderBelle · 21/03/2024 20:11

I can't advise on what you should do. I know what I would do though, which is please myself 🤷🏼‍♀️

I just wanted to offer my sympathies. My inlaws retired and relocated to another county, somewhere where they have no links. That made us and their other child think "fuck it" and move to wherever we wanted too. So we now live in a triangle, with very long journeys separating us all.

The inlaws have always had bad health, but are now in chronically bad health. They are also broke.

Their bus service was cancelled a year or two after moving. They have no pub/corner shop/village hall to walk to. They live on a busy A road in the middle of nowhere with no pavement, so couldn't go for a walk even if they wanted to. They have to drive everywhere, which has made their fitness and health even worse. They have one piece-of-shit car between them and when it breaks, they won't be able to replace it. They need to go to hospital on an approx monthly basis for falls, infections, tests, heart scares, breathing difficulties - you name it. They have no support system in place for any of this and when one of them is in hospital, the other is totally isolated.

The house is "the countryside dream" - ie an old, damp cottage, complete with garden they can't cope with, septic tank and Calor gas.

DH and I will never help them out as they've done this to themselves and have lived deeply selfish lives, but we watch on with horror at their situation.

Original poster

Mini712 · 21/03/2024 20:28

BorderBelle · 21/03/2024 20:11

I can't advise on what you should do. I know what I would do though, which is please myself 🤷🏼‍♀️

I just wanted to offer my sympathies. My inlaws retired and relocated to another county, somewhere where they have no links. That made us and their other child think "fuck it" and move to wherever we wanted too. So we now live in a triangle, with very long journeys separating us all.

The inlaws have always had bad health, but are now in chronically bad health. They are also broke.

Their bus service was cancelled a year or two after moving. They have no pub/corner shop/village hall to walk to. They live on a busy A road in the middle of nowhere with no pavement, so couldn't go for a walk even if they wanted to. They have to drive everywhere, which has made their fitness and health even worse. They have one piece-of-shit car between them and when it breaks, they won't be able to replace it. They need to go to hospital on an approx monthly basis for falls, infections, tests, heart scares, breathing difficulties - you name it. They have no support system in place for any of this and when one of them is in hospital, the other is totally isolated.

The house is "the countryside dream" - ie an old, damp cottage, complete with garden they can't cope with, septic tank and Calor gas.

DH and I will never help them out as they've done this to themselves and have lived deeply selfish lives, but we watch on with horror at their situation.

Edited

It sounds a very similar situation.

My parents also live in a small village with a busy road running through it and have to drive everywhere. Plus a huge unmanageable garden!

OP posts:

EmotionalBlackmail · 21/03/2024 21:20

I've said a big and very firm NO to Easter. I still feel like I'm recovering from Christmas when they stayed for more than a week.

It got to the stage when DH and I were almost having a fight over who would go and get the papers we were so desperate to get away from the house with them in!

penjil · 21/03/2024 23:14

Mini712 · 21/03/2024 16:50

Mum would move back in a heart beat but Dad won’t even enter into a conversation about moving back. He has lot of health issues and doesn’t want to change doctors or hospitals.

Well, in that case, he can get carers or healthcare assistants to look after them both.

And maybe sort out that issue with their son (your brother) too!

Original poster

Mini712 · 22/03/2024 06:58

EmotionalBlackmail · 21/03/2024 21:20

I've said a big and very firm NO to Easter. I still feel like I'm recovering from Christmas when they stayed for more than a week.

It got to the stage when DH and I were almost having a fight over who would go and get the papers we were so desperate to get away from the house with them in!

Same😩😆!

OP posts:

ForestBather · 22/03/2024 07:04

I love to watch that program but I do wonder how some of the people moving from apartments and small places get on when they suddenly have a lot of land to look after. I wonder if they know how much work it is. I think 60 is a fine age to retire to where they want, but that does create issues down the track.

I hope yours are more receptive than mine to considering practical arrangements but I wouldn't go at Easter. You have plans and it's fine to celebrate in your own home.

PatellaBella789 · 22/03/2024 07:47

I think you are being a wee bit unreasonable to blame your parents for moving to Dorset in the first place as being “free to live your own life” works both ways and if they have had twelve happy years there, then it was well worth it.

However, as others have said, when you do move somewhere remote as an elderly person, you have to have an end game planned and execute it slightly in advance of when you think you will need it. Once one person isn’t able to drive, never mind two, then it becomes a disaster!

My parents moved back from the country and planned well but even they (who were incredibly dynamic and organised) left it slightly too late as my father was a sprightly 82 at the time but he had a lot of health problems immediately after the move and forever after that, which was sad. I think we underestimate what a big upheaval moving is at that age.

Op, your parents need to get on with it! All loving parents deserve a bit of help when elderly but if they are going to need support, then they need to move to where the support is! Staying with you a week every other month is quite a lot when you have jobs and school age dc. This Easter is irrelevant, they need to look at bigger picture and your dad needs to be told that he is being selfish.

Edited to say it’s time to give your brother a blunt talking to as well!