I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

Don't forget, as well as packing, some removal companies also offer a concierge service which seems to be aimed at elderly people (or very busy younger people!). They do all the move planning, decluttering, rehoming excess furniture, setting up and closing down utilities, finding local doctor and dentist to register with type stuff.

My DM wanted me to take three weeks of compassionate leave from work to help her do all this stuff when she moved. I had to point out that compassionate leave was two days off when she died...

We are late 50s. At one time we fantasised about moving to somewhere with a bit of land now that DCs have left home.

Now - no way!

Having seen how DPs and DGPs have aged I can see it isnt always a gentle decline. A fall can precipitate further health issues. DPIL went from pottering along to DFIL dying and DMIL going into a care home in the space of a week.

I do think that when you get into your 50s you do need to start thinking proper long-term. An Escape To The Country move could easily be utter folly.

We have enjoyed visiting them over the years but couldn’t go very often as DC had sport commitments at the weekends. Often we have thought about moving to Dorset but there are very few job opportunities for me, DH & DC so it is never going to be an option.

I think there is a lot of denial of old age on this thread and "it will never happen to me" going on.

Not really, I think that comes from the DPs who are moving, not their adult DCs. It certainly did in my case.
My DM and stepF were big Escape To The Country fans. They decided to upsticks and move 4.5hrs away to a listed farmhouse they could run as a B&B in their early 60s. My DGPs had been hoteliers at one time and DM fancied following in their footsteps. I was very clear about my concerns of them aging so far away from us whilst living in a house with high maintenance needs. I explained how infrequently we'd be able to visit and that we would be starting to try for a baby in a year or two, not because we expected childcare, but because I knew DM how much would want to be able to spend time with them and that it would further reduce our ability to visit. It fell on deaf ears. Even when DM was diagnosed with cancer during the purchase process, they weren't deterred, as they were 'moving close to one of the best oncology departments in the country'. DD1 was born 2 years later, and we and they visited when we could, but between the baby's needs, work schedules and DM's ongoing treatment and lowered immune system, it was nowhere near enough either to offer practical support or give DM the contact time with DD she craved. We spoke daily on the phone and I was always sending photos and videos of DD, but it wasn't the same. DM's cancer finally killed her 3 years after they moved, leaving stepF rattling around a huge property he couldn't afford to run and maintain on only his pension and unable to run the business (DM did all the donkey work for this, despite her illness, around her treatment). He actually had the fucking cheek to say, after her death, how sad she had felt about not seeing very much of me and DD and how disappointed she had been we'd not come more often, as if I had been negligent by not visiting more. He told me how she'd watch the videos I sent and get upset that she wasn't there with DD; it was so manipulative and intended to guilt trip me (he is not a nice person). I could not have been blunter about my worries about how the move would work in reality when they first raised it as a possibility and all through the moving process, not to mention it isn't fair to try and make me feel bad about a decision I had no say in.
He is still there 9 years on, but now can no longer do anything but the smallest maintenance jobs himself. As DM's share of the house is held in trust for me and he has the right of lifetime tenancy, I am now burdened with 50% of the maintenance costs of a large listed property until he chooses to sell and downsize (at which point I'm liable for stamp duty) or dies. He quickly found another woman, so he's been able to meet the day to day costs again at least, but that doesn't help the costs I'm now lumbered with. The whole thing was, and continues to be, a total mess.

What a nightmare situation for you. I do sympathise x

As DM's share of the house is held in trust for me and he has the right of lifetime tenancy, I am now burdened with 50% of the maintenance costs of a large listed property until he chooses to sell and downsize (at which point I'm liable for stamp duty) or dies

That's a badly written trust. The life tenant is normally 100% responsible for the upkeep of the house. And why would you pay stamp duty when it's sold?

I suspect she means capital gains tax

IMO your post is about 2 different things OP.

1. Your parents moved 3 hours drive away from you and you didn't like that.
2. Your parents are increasingly frail and elderly and are not local.

1. You need to get over the fact you're parents chose to move to Dorset as they, like you are well within their rights to live where they like. You can't honestly expect that they should have dedicated their life to you surely?
2. This is the real issue. How to care for elderly parents who are not local. It's difficult, we did it with my MIL (2.5 hrs away) and no doubt we will be doing it with my parents (5 hours away).

The difference is my inlaws and parents always lived opposite ends of the country to each other and it was my husband and I who moved from where we were both brought up. We still had/will have the same issue as you.

In the case of my late MIL we sorted out a local care network as it was better for her to stay in familiar surroundings.

I'm not sure what we'll do with my parents. I expect a lot of driving will be involved. I can't see them wanting to move 200 miles away from their friends and I wouldn't expect them to. We won't be relocating 200 miles either.

It's a tough issue and requires a lot of patience, compromise and stamina, good luck OP.

Arg !!! I'm on the app and it has removed the 1 and 2 and replaced them with bullet points. I hope my post still makes sense to you OP

We have no children and know there is no-one to depend on when we get older. This ensures you absolutely make sure that you do have plans for the future.

To be honest I cannot imagine anything worse than being a burden to children, that would make me feel so guilty about ruining their future.

I suspect she means capital gains tax

I think so too. But again, why would she pay CGT on an inherited property?

I completely agree. Some of the attitude on this thread towards older people living their lives how and where they want and not centring their adult children in every decision are shocking.
As my parents used to say when I was growing up 'always remember, your parents are people too'.

I was sad that they chose to move away but as I said in my op, I accepted it and didn’t ever tell them not to do it.
My frustration is that my parents won’t talk to each other and DF & DM are in a stalemate situation where DM wants to move back and DF is happy where he is. Unfortunately, I’m stuck in the middle with my DM laying on the guilt every time I see or talk to her. I have tried talking to DF but he gets upset and shuts the conversation down. Maybe it is a generational thing but I know me and my DH would try and come up with a compromise but then we would never have put ourselves in that situation in the first place!

I agree with other pp's now sounds like the time to future proof things for both of them. There are drs Al over the country. Surely this would be the time to move back to near you, establish themselves etc.

My dm lives in a very ordinary house but in a village with friends nearby, good social life etc for her age. Can literally live in her own home with adaptations until she cannot live alone.

I know others who didn't future proof who are stuck either alone & lonely or had to move into supported living type flats because they couldn't cope with a move into another house/bungalow.

Your dm is important too. Also even when you live nearby it can be a lot of work to support elderly parents but much easier than being hours away. It's a tricky one - good luck with it op xx

I'm sorry, I didn't pick that up.
In that case maybe you and your DM should try and make it easy for him to move closer.
ie start looking at options for housing,healthcare, transport etc. and propose them as alternatives.
If your DF is anything like mine he is probably stressed about facing up to his age and inevitable decline. Your own mortality isn't a nice thing to face head on.

There's a few mistakes that older couples make.

The first is moving to the country when retired. But not thinking about things like how they get to the hospital if they find themselves unable to drive.

If they move to somewhere they don't have friends or family they have limited local support. This makes life a lot harder.

Then there's the 'walk to get a pint of milk'. It's not just being able to do it without a car, it's how it helps keep you fitter in the first place.

Then there's the bungalow fallacy, that it will help you when you get older if you can't make it upstairs anymore. If you don't have stairs your mobility declines quicker so the bungalow becomes self fulfilling and is bad for you.

Reasonably you don't tend to moved after you hit 65. That's the house you die in or you end up in a care home. With that in mind you should plan accordingly - refit with downstairs shower and a room you can convert to a bedroom if needed or make sure your home is suitable for a stair lift if you need one. Etc etc. Is it's location good long term?

You aren't going to convince your parents to move OP. They had a dream to move there. Moving away from that is giving up on that dream and admitting defeat. It will only happen if your dad goes first I'm afraid. That's their choice to make so don't feel guilty. It's their dream.

Yes@BloodyHellKenAgain you are exactly right.
I think DF is very worried about his declining health and moving would be very stressful.
I have tried to talk to him about moving without being too confrontational. I don’t want to upset him and the relationship we have when I don’t know how long he has left. I also feel for DM as I would hate to be so isolated but I feel like the window of opportunity to move may have passed😕.

Well, I’m older, too, and I have nothing but sympathy for the OP.

It isn't badly written. He is responsible for the day to day upkeep and servicing and anything that isn't essential to the maintenance of the building (eg decorating), but capital costs are 50% mine. This is standard and wouldn't be an issue in a more modern home that isn't constantly crumbling as repairs would be a rare thing. Not so in a listed property.

If he sells, I am liable for the stamp duty on whatever he buys at the proportion that DM's capital makes up of the new property (he has the right to transfer the life tenancy to another property). This is something I specifically asked my solicitor about.

I was the one who moved away although my parents did move from the parental home and downsized.

My DF then got cancer and the start of dementia (both parents in their late 70s at that stage). I desperately wanted my parents to move closer but medical advice was for them to stay where they were for my dad’s health. DM moved closer to us after DF died

Yep we’ve dreamed about a move to spain but it’s just a little dream. If we can afford it we’ll do long winter rentals as young retirees but only if we’re not needed for help with GCs cos we like being around for them.

Some of the attitude on this thread towards older people living their lives how and where they want and not centring their adult children in every decision are shocking

No, thats not what is happening at all. If people want to move hours and hours away from their families that is entirely their choice and they have every right to do so. The issue isnt the moving, it's the fact that they then EXPECT everyone to travel miles and miles to help them when they become frail. You cant move hours away and then bemoan the fact that people arent upending their own busy lives to visit you every week. Thats hardly fair is it?

Your parents have had more than a decade of good quality life after retirement, doing all the things they wanted to do. They are already luckier than most. They now need to accept that they can't have everything they want all the time, so if they desire your company and practical assistance (which you are under no obligation to provide) they will have to come to where you are to get it.

I know quite a few people who have had elderly parents move closer to them. I live rurally and know quite a lot of people who move back to cities or nearer to family when health issues strike. Rural healthcare is very patchy and can cost lives (an hour’s drive to my nearest hospital, a nightmare in poor weather like flooding or snow).
My friend’s Dad moved a five minute walk away from her and it meant that his later years were much better. Time with Grandchildren, someone close by if he needed a bit of help. Much easier for her too, no frantic drives down the motorway.

We're paraded for neighbours, friends told, but ultimately my parents just preferred to hang out with other retired people. There’s many people on this board who wish their parents were the same

A lot of planning for the future on this thread. I think maybe we’re the first generation to have to think about it. All my grandparents were dead by 80. ILs in early 80s, DM at 60. Their savings weren’t intended for their old age, but to pass on to their DC, and the thought of it being swallowed by 10 years of dementia would be so distressing. Now dementia ranks alongside cancer and heart disease as a cause of death. And we’re having to plan how to fund it and deal with it.

Our DC will have dreadful things to deal with, but I doubt dementia will be one of them