I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

No I wouldn't change your plans. If you had no plans then that's different.

They have done what they wanted and you need to do this same. The chose to move away.

I had to move away initially as there were only very limited jobs available where I grew up. I've moved for work many times since and settled somewhere my DD will have many more opportunities than I had.

In terms of what I've put in place. I've strongly encouraged DM to move somewhere more sensible - bungalow on public transport route with shops etc nearby. Encouraged her to book the packing and concierge service with the removal company (she wanted me to do it all!). Got POA set up. Encouraged her to develop a network of support and people to give her lifts. Encouraged her to get a key safe.

DH moved away from his parents 30 years ago - he went away to uni and never moved back to his home town. When his parents started finding their house and garden difficult to cope with, we suggested they move closer to us, but they didn't want to. Fair enough. When their health went massively downhill 2 years ago, we helped them move into retirement living accommodation so there is lots of support available on site. FIL died last year so MIL is there on her own now. She's lonely (not surprising - they were married for a long time) and phones DH a lot asking him / us to go and visit. But we have busy jobs and three teen DC (two of them taking exams this June).

Not sure what more we can do really.

As someone who lives in Dorset.
And knows what bus service are like.
It is time if they want to stay in Dorset they moved shelter living with carers on tap if they can afford this or just elderly person flat .
They will be a big service charge but your mum will have company as your dad get worst .
You will have sell it to your dad as mum not coping.
He might have change dr but Dr practice are getting really big down so maybe not.
And it still be the same hospital depending on which one it is .

My dad is 82 and my mum 81. I live in the same town about a 10 minute walk from them. My youngest dd is in year 11 and I was hoping when she goes to university I might move either closer to one of my married with children daughters or back to my home city of Liverpool.
Unfortunately my younger brother died last week. He also lived in the same town as me and our parents. Until Christmas when he suddenly became terminally ill it was assumed he'd stay local (unmarried, single, ND) and if our parents needed care in their later age he would be on hand with me helping as and when. My parents are still fit and healthy atm but I'm not sure what I will do now when dd leaves home.

It is my dream to move to the coast so I can understand why your parents did . Do you not enjoy yours visits down to see them if it is a seaside in Dorset ?i would have moved down there rather than other way round!
Don’t feel guilty though OP your parents didn’t when they moved ,they put their own needs first as you should do.

It’s our dream too. One day. Wouldn’t want to be rural though.

My dads health deteriorated fast in the past year your parents need a frank chat about the future. ive just lost my dad and he needed alot of care in the last few months. you dont prepare for this or see it happening. then everything changes

I used to work at Bournemouth hospital. I saw so much of this. People retire down to the coast when they’re ‘young-old’ with no thought about how far they are from family when they’re ‘old-old’. It’s a nightmare and I have told my in-laws many times that if they do this I will not hold back in telling them what a bad idea it is.
My parents live in Dorchester, but always have done (and I was the one that lived away) so can’t really say the same to them! But still dreading them becoming ‘old-old’.

I moved away but stayed emotionally close to my family. I’ve always gone back regularly and even more so now that my DParent is widowed with dementia. I do it for my lparent and I do it for my sibling as I wouldn’t want them to shoulder everything alone

Sorry for your loss. What a difficult time.

Might he at least agree to move to somewhere in the same area but less isolated? If your Mum was living somewhere where there is more of a community she might well feel better about it.

That could be an option but if that happened I could see another move happening if DF passed away as DM would want to be near me if she ended up on her own.
DF gets very breathless and can’t walk very far. I think he believes he isn’t physically up to moving even though I have said I would help them move. It’s a tricky situation.

I’m sorry to hear that. It must be a big shock for you all.

I agree you need to have a realistic conversation with them @Mini712 . I'm in my mid 60s now, and we downsized a couple of years ago.

We always had plans to live in the countryside after retirement until I read on Mumsnet about how hard life was for the children of parents who did this, specifically those who would feel they had to spend hours backwards and forwards to the detriment of their own families. It stopped me in my tracks - it suddenly was so obvious what a selfish move it is as no one knows how soon they may need family support, and we were only going to move about half an hour away. Even that is too much to expect when your children have jobs and families to care for.

Anyway, we've downsized to a bungalow, and in around 10 years we'll be moving to local sheltered accommodation which has carers on hand if required so our kids will never feel the burden of having to come in and look after us. Visits for pleasure of company only.

i hope they see a move closer to you would be for the benefit of all family members. Good luck.

My area isn't great, but I'm already aware fromrelatives how vital it is to be walking distance from amenities. I"n mid 40s, but I plan to downsize locally in my 60s, then probably end up in a home when my joints give up. Nice though rural is, wtf do you do when you can't drive anymore? Or when you fancy a chat? I'm for and healthy, but am aware that could change in a heartbeat.

My parents did the whole 'move to the country'.
They had almost 20 good years but we're not close at all.
A mix of having to listen to retirement life non-drama. The eye watering sums spent on cruises and brand new cars. Goldenballs, my brother, achieving sainthood on minor deeds.
The gap between them and my life and kids was so big that when my dad finally died, we felt very little grief. It was quite bizarre the lack of actual connection.
Visits for mother's day/Easter/Xmas often felt .performative. We're paraded for neighbours, friends told, but ultimately my parents just preferred to hang out with other retired people.

Did I write this, OP?! lol. Not entirely the same but have an equally selfish brother

There are two phases to retirement : active and elderly, and and people need to plan for both.

I feel for you.

As one of the bordering on 'old-old' species I feel you are being taken advantage of OP.

I come from a farming up-bringing and dislike town living but 5 years ago I moved to a town a 10 minute walk from my son and his family. Prior to that I never expected them to visit me or vice versa but I was only less than an hour away so it was very manageable without being a chore.
I am now 77 and want to downsiize and move BACK to the nearby country before anyone nags me about being needy (which I certainly am not as I never visit on spec - just when I am invited!)

I cringe at the people on escape to the country/sun who want a 5 bed house (for visitors and expect a constant stream of visitors who will visit when they live in the back of beyond here and abroad. Not going to happen.

I would also worry if your parents are driving for 3 hours if one of them is 80 and not well.

The move can be made easier when downsizing by employing a 'pack and move' service - pricey but it is so efficient (once the accumulated clutter has been removed).

It's not mean or unkind to suggest that choices have consequences- thats true for all of us. If I move to a rural place with no decent transport network then thats the consequence of my choice and I cant really then moan about it.

If you move somewhere isolated that is hours away from family then you cannot expect them to trek back and forth on a 6 hour return journey every month or whatever, whenever you need them. It's not mean to point that out, it's reality. People really need to consider the future and what will happen when making choices about moving in their retirement.

My dad did this- moved miles away to a remote village where there was only one bus a day at weekends. I actually begged him to think about it first but he was adamant and wouldnt listen. It was fine for a few years, then he became old and frail and as a result I couldn't really help him much due to the combination of sheer distance and me working full time and having a young family to look after. He ended up paying for carers in the end. I think he was a bit cross about it but it was a result of his choice and I did mention this to him before he went but he wouldnt listen. You cant have it both ways I'm afraid.

I would go, they won’t be here forever. We live 2 hours from my family and visit them every month.

Yep DH and I have decided the same , for the same reasons and due to experience . Once we get to our early/ mid 70s the plan is to choose a nice retirement flat to rent ( not buy cos we think can be hard to sell if / when needed)It’s a good 10/15 years down the line for us but time does go by so fast.

I don't think moving in the first place was necessarily a terrible idea on their part if they've had a fantastic time. It's their reluctance to move back that's the problem. My in-laws are 3 hours away and my mum 2 hours in the opposite direction but that's cause we both moved away - they all stayed put.

That would be mine & DH’s too. I would have to be a burden to my DC.