I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

My PIL moved to the country near to where they had been living - had a fabulous idyllic retirement. But it did get harder - they moved again and we urged then to come closer if they wanted our support. They didn't. Their choice.
But they moved somewhere more practical and in a familiar area.
Eventually there's a crisis - there usually is. FIL died and MIL was unable to live independently. At that point we stepped up and sorted everything.
I think FIL did wonder if he made the right choice with the second move - they missed out on time with their son and practical support at home for the sake of familiarity - which I can understand.
We still visited every couple of months and DH spoke to his Dad most days or emailed - they had lots of shared hobbies and interests.
I think we do have to respect our parents choices but equally they don't get to make unreasonable demands of their children because of those choices.

I'm 40 but I agree wholeheartedly. That one poster who proudly declared "My mum already knows neither me or my sister will be providing care and that if anything happens to her my dad will be straight into residential care" absolutely floored me..... God forbid the parents who raised you should ask for a smidgen of compassion, even if you can’t care for them in older age! I really hope I haven't raised my own DC to be this cold

@ALunchbox You'll never expect your own DC to visit you? Never? So when they're 18 or whenever they move out, you'll wave them goodbye and that's it? You don't want to see them ever again??? Fucking hell

If they did move closer to you, don't let them think that you will personally provide their care but you could make sure it's provided and runs smoothly. You might then be able to sort out admin and help them make decisions, provide company and enjoy seeing eachother, be a point of contact. Your brother needs a kick up the arse but his share shouldn't fall to his wife/partner

If you do go on to have the undoubtedly awkward conversations with them, op, maybe substitute ‘a little shortsighted’ for the ‘selfish’ suggested by several pp!

@MrsSkylerWhite it’s more the posters saying things like, they obviously didn’t want to be part of the family, not been in your lives for 12 years. Would they say/feel the same if their adult DC moved away?

I fear I'll be in the same situation as you OP. My parents moved to Devon for their retirement, away from family who live in Essex/Kent/London. I worry that when they're older, they'll be isolated and I won't be able to support them properly.

They actually were! My grandparents did exactly the same thing but made the sensible choice and moved back to be closer to family before it was too much of an ordeal so you can see the irony of the situation.

In my case, I was the one that moved away.

However, my mum did not expect me or my family to visit her, entertain her or look after her in old age. And she did come down to stay and babysit when the DC were small and she was fit enough.

I intend to do the same if my DC move away, or if we were to move away.

I don't get this lack of future planning and vision adopted by retirees. I'm 57 and constantly thinking 'how will this impact in future and what will be the consequences'? It's just so narrow minded.

I hope that person expects their own children to have a similarly heartless attitude when they are older.

It sounds like they enjoyed a great retirement, good for them, but now they are in the elderly bracket if they want help from family they need to move closer to you. Plus it’s nicer for them to move together than for one of them to have to move alone.

I think that the OP has a good point. We are in our 60s and already live in the countryside. All our adult children have moved away. Our next move before we are 70 will be to a manageable house in a town not too far from DC where we can walk everywhere or use public transport. Rural living is lovely, but it isn't great for the frail. I think that for balance there should be a in daytime programme called Escape from the country.

People in their 60s and 70s also pay taxes, arguably have spending power (else why all the hatred of boomers?). and are less likely to work and spend out of the area. In terms of local community, there is a lot which simply wouldn't happen if it weren't for the unpaid work of people in their first 10-15 years of retirement.

But the OP says in her original post that now they are more frail and feeling more isolated they want to visit more. So a lot of posters have inferred by that that while the OP's parents were thoroughly enjoying their retirement they weren't as bothered about keeping in touch (and maybe not as bothered about seeing if the OP needed support?) but now that their needs have changed they want the family to step up.

That's how I've read it anyway, and in that case my response would be that they've made their bed. Harsh but fair.

@SpringtimeBunny if you've been a caring and thoughtful parent and understood that family relationships require just as much effort as other types of relationships (and are also a two-way street) then I dare say your children will factor your needs in when you require support.

Parents should not expect their children to prioritise their needs simply by virtue of DNA. A lot of people seem to spend their lives being at worst vile and at best neglectful towards their children/grandchildren and then expect them to magically give a shit when they are elderly or frail.

I'm not saying the OP's situation is at that level, but it is often the case for a lot of people.

Two things I would like to do 1) Live in the country, nature and changeing seasons all around 2) Travel - to places where I wouldn't be bumping into English people. I've never done 1) because a) work b) children and their need to have friends that they can see without negotiating lifts and I've not done much of 2) because it was a lot less easy in my pre-DC days with no internet and easy access to information and no cheap flights. I accept that 1) would not be sensible now, and I have lost the urge for 2). But I can quite understand why other people in retirement follow the dreams that they haven't been able to fulfill in earlier life.

Meanwhile DS is taking full advantage of internet, cheap flights, and is going abroad 3-4 times a year. It's hard to realise that something today's young people take for granted was nowhere near as easy in the 70s.

They need to move closer to you.

You can’t be expected to just fit stuff in and have them stay this often. Unfortunately when parents move away when they then get old they usually end up moving back to near their kids. Both sets of my grandparents did this.

We had this with our in laws they chose to move away from children and grandchildren and young families have busy lives . They did stay with us regularly but then understandably the driving became too much . Unfortunately Financially they could not move back and it made the last few years extremely difficult for all concerned. All you can do is lay your cards on the table . They chose to move so now if they are struggling that’s not your fault. So find a way to move closer now before it’s too late or they have to live with it . Sorry it’s so tough .

@MereDintofPandiculation my MIL had never travelled abroad until her mid 60s. Now early 70s she isn’t in the best of health so might not be able to go again, so only had a short window of enjoying that aspect of retirement (and COVID didn’t help either)

I know. I think there is a lot of denial of old age on this thread and "it will never happen to me" going on.

And as most of us are parents on here, we know how much love, time, effort and money we pour in to our dc for 20 odd years. Bearing in mind that most of us will hit the point when we need a bit of help in our frail later years, is it so unreasonable to have the expectation that if you have loving parents, you help them out a little?

As pp said, it doesn't mean doing the work yourself necessarily, but advocating for them and helping them manage their households?

I know on Mumsnet generally there is the view that "having children is selfish" which I partially agree with actually and lots of posters say "I didn't ask to be born" but funnily enough, after nearly six decades of life, I haven't met anyone who was!

Edited to say that of course in return the elderly parents have to act responsibly and plan ahead so that they do everything possible to facilitate their own independence. And that does not mean living in a cottage in the middle of nowhere when they are ill or can't drive. They should do everything they can to treat their adult dc with consideration. It's a two-way street!

We had this too- DH mums moved to west wales- 6 hour drive away .
Was ok when she was a younger, very active still working etc but rarely sees family- she won't travel so.we need to go and see her which isn't practical to do more than once or twice a year- airbnb, time off work, cattery costs etc
We do feel guilty we don't see her more

I really want to help out as needed but physically cannot travel 600 miles to do it more than occasionally and there is a limit to what can be done from a distance. So I feel like I'm being forced by the person's move not to help because of the distance when I otherwise would want to. It also makes it really hard to help facilitate a move nearer us should they decide they want to do that. Then between us we also have two other ageing parents who aren't so far away (eg 2 hours) but are in two completely different places and both in unsuitable accommodation for any mobility issues. There are only so many hours in the weekends to help any of them!

If people move away from home town and your parents stay put, are you putting anything in place to help your parents when they get old, and do you expect your DC to do this for you if they move away

Speaking as someone who did move away from home town, as did DH. My parents also moved away from their respective home towns, so they couldn't comment on us moving away (although we didn't emigrate which was DH's dream for a while)

My parents ended up with my DF's parents moving near them and then when my parents moved again, they facilitated my gran moving near their new home (all other grandparents had died by then)

Following DF's death we helped DM move near us. DH's parents (separated) still live in home towns, but are now not in great health