I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

The proble with moving the closer to you is they lose all their social network. Then they will look entirely on you for company.

It does sound like it's time.for them to move back closer to family, into a more manageable house/flat. However I wouldn't personally paint the whole move to Dorset as a mistake given that they spent 12 years there having an amazing retirement in a beautiful part of the country.

I’m probably biased as I’m older, but reading some of these posts makes me really sad. Posters saying the parents have made their own beds, let them get on with it, be glad they’re not too near… Should 60 years olds not live somewhere they’ve dreamed of in retirement in case they’re frail 20 years down the line? Yes they probably should move back now but it’s a huge effort physically and mentally and tbh it sounds like many posters don’t really want parents close either. Have we got to the stage where unless gps are around to help when gcs are young, they’re seen as a nuisance?

No. It was their decision, they have to accept the inevitable consequences.

Of course the parents should move where they want. The problem is when they stay there (which I understandable as their social networks and life are there) and still expect their children to be able to provide the support needed as they become more frail. Especially if they themselves haven't made any arrangements or given any thought to these issues. It does put a lot of pressure on their children.

They have had 12 wonderful years of retirement but now their needs have changed and where they live does not suit their needs. They need to change this. Your needs have not changed.

For those saying tough as the parents chose to move away, have you always lived in the same place and will never move, do you expect your DC to never move further than a couple of miles away?

In a similar situation except the parent who has moved is more like a 12 hour drive from both children and is still very independent and doesn't visit very often. Also in a village with zero facilities and minimal public transport. I really worry for the future - it's a distance that makes it impossible to go even for a weekend. I'm not sure there's a solution though as adults with capacity are entitled to choose where they live.

I'm amazed that your DH is prepared to let them stay a week at a time!

What my dc decide to do is irrelevant to what is going on between my parents and myself. We can only work with the situation that exists, as it is at the present time, with the demands of my own life.

I am not one who has said 'tough', but I have had to tell my parents quite firmly that their choice to live away from all family does mean we can help them less than we would if they were closer. I have limitations and we all have to live within those. Parents who make a choice to be distant may find it has consequences they don't like later. That's realistic.

@angstridden2 - I do understand what you are saying, but as someone else in a similar boat to the OP, you really have to accept that your parents made a choice to build a life away from a family support network, and the downsides of that are that you aren’t there.

i have to harden my heart a bit about how my parents are coping (or not) because the alternative is to try to give the level of care I would do if they lived close to me, but that’s only possible by greatly reducing my children’s quality of life/time with me, and that’s not fair on them.

I didn’t grumble when my parents moved to their rural retirement home (ours had the added “bonus” of being overseas), it was tough having to make career choices factoring in no family childcare/back up for sick kids or inset days while friends happily told me their dcs were being picked up by their grandparents etc. but the idea that someone in their 60s hadn’t factored in that they might need care in the next 10-15years is not really realistic. Or foolish.

I’m not saying the situation for their daughter isn’t difficult, and they probably should move or need to accept paid help but I think the general tone on this thread is quite unkind unless they’ve been awful parents in the past. Moving your entire life in your late 70s is a challenge I imagine and it doesn’t sound as though being close is particularly welcomed either.

For what it’s worth I’ve moved closer to one child; at the moment we are doing far more for them than they need to do for us but am aware it may change.However I am not yet that old or frail so although I miss my old life in some ways, I hope to build a new one while I’m young and fit enough.

Rather than staying with you can they book a hotel or cottage somewhere nearbyish for a few days with nice walks etc or shops they can potter round, then you can meet up as and when rather than feeling obliged to entertain them 24/7.

I live 2.5 hours from my dad and an hour from my fil in opposite directions. My FIL we can do a day trip easily ...my dad really needs 2 nights though can do it in a day. They are 91(dad) and 96 (fil) both independent thankfully. My mum took unwell and died very quickly in 2022 and going up and down to see her was exhausting and very emotional...I could only get short bits of time off work. I'm 60 and want to move to the country but my daughter really wants me within an hour so it's easier to see each other for shorter more regular times and having lost mum so tragically I agree.

I've just organised POA for me for my daughter and son. Husband needs to sort his (he's not their dad). I have poa for my dad. It's been amazing for my fil as he is very deaf and partially sighted so although fully with it he needs help.

Yes, I've moved too. This was after my marriage broke down, my parents moved abroad and I needed to make changes to be able to manage my family and professional life as a single parent to my DC’s.

My DC’s have their own life too, very much encouraged following them experiencing city life at uni. I would never expect them to stay/move near to me.

My parents kind of led the way. They chose their independence when they went abroad (at a crisis point when I really needed them, tbh).
The impact on me and in my DC’s is that the relationship between my parents and I and also my DC’s and their GP’s isn't strong.

They have made a sensible choice ( as said above) to return to the UK but not near to me. They have the right to make their own choices. They have. I can't be around for them regularly given the choices they have made and my working life.

I can't feel guilty for choices that they have happily made.

I think the middle class model - of uprooting yourself away from your entire network, aged 60, to somewhere where you have no links and you've not contributed to the local area in your more active and productive years, taking on a house thats too big with too much garden, to then burden full-time working children who live 3 hours away with your medical requirements, health scares and care needs - will be short lived and largely restricted to the current cohort of pensioners.
It's a stupid, impractical model borne out of arrogance and delusion.
My plan for old age - remain in the market town that we moved to at 35 years old, where we will have contributed and built a network for 30 years before we retire, and live in a town centre flat, walking distance from all amenities.

I expect OP’s parents were saying this 30 years ago

In terms of contribution to local community, I think your “active and productive years” are precisely in your 60s and 70s. I look at the groups I know, from conservation groups, maintenance of local parks, through to running local libraries, theatres, museums, and all the heavy work is done by people in their 60s and 70s.

Realistically, how many networks remain intact for 40 or 50 years?

Wow! Thats cold

It's not them moving that's the problem. It's them moving AND then expecting the OP to either make a long trip to visit them or host them regularly for a week at a time. They spent a week with her only two weeks ago and are now putting pressure on her to see them again for Easter. They need to either move back or accept they won't see OP so often.

The tenant would be responsible for the council tax.

@AluckyEllie My mum already knows neither me or my sister will be providing care and that if anything happens to her my dad will be straight into residential care

Jesus Christ

crumblingschools · Today 08:20
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For those saying tough as the parents chose to move away, have you always lived in the same place and will never move, do you expect your DC to never move further than a couple of miles away?”

Don’t understand your point. Why does it matter where our children move to. We don’t expect them to care for us.

You are joking?!
You think people in their 70s make a greater contribution to an area than people in their 30s and 40s, who work and pay taxes in the area, have greater spending power for goods and services, set up and run local businesses, raise children and contribute to local school life.
Right....

I don't think OP sees them as a nuisance. It sounds like if they lived locally she'd be happy to see them frequently for short visits (despite not needing help with young DC). The problem is purely because of the distance.