I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

To add to that - convalescent homes.

Meals on Wheels was ubiquitous but run by the WRVS - women’s unpaid labour again. Home visits from GPs definitely easier, I had the doctor visiting to confirm measles, chickenpox and even croup.

Both my mother’s parents died from heart problems that today would be easily sorted. But at least they didn’t get dementia.

My CHC assessor told me that CHC dated from the 80s, to support patients in the community when the long stay geriatric wards were closed - in other words it was for people who pre-1980 would have been in hospital.

I had a summer job as a hospital domestic assistant in the late 70s spending quite a while on a long stay geriatric ward. Very grim, not at at all sorry to see the back of those. But the cottage hospital I spent a week at was lovely for recovering patients and in those days wards had day rooms so in patients weren't necessarily confined to bed.

Yes I remember my Grandad being in a Council run geriatric home and it was a really depressing place .All sat round in a large circle mainly asleep. Compared to my Mums privately run ,small all be it basic care home. I much prefer Mums.

Again not my experience, MIL died 20 years ago and got no support so paid her neighbour for help who was brilliant. My grandfather died 40 years ago, he was frail with very limited mobility and got no help until they put him in a grim geriatric ward, my other grandfather died well cared for in a home which he had a religious connection to, nothing from social services or central govt.

Some people might have been lucky in the past but it wasn't a given in my lifetime.

My father told me, in the same conversation he told me they’re moving away, that he expects me to look after him and my mum when they need it. I am a 5 hour drive away, how am I going to pick up on it when they need help? He does like to be “fussed over” even if he ignores all your advice. The upsetting thing is that my mum already has real health problems and my dad ruthlessly ignores them. So she is in this isolated place with nobody to keep an eye on her. It’s worrying.

@Toastjusttoast That sounds NIGHTMARISH. If he wants fussing over, and your mum needs more care and attention already, you need to put your foot down firmly. "You can move dad, but I have a job and can't dance to your tune, so could you think again and find a change of scene somewhere closer". As a veteran of the long distance aged parent nightmare, the only advice I can offer is, if it's difficult now, it will be horrendous when they become really aged and ill. Save yourself a bit now, you will be expending everything when their health deteriorates.

Thanks for the solidarity😀

yes I agree, save my stamina. I recently thought to myself what’s the point in stressing when I can’t do anything about it? The distance is a pain. I call them all the time but I can’t pick up on everything. Recently my mum (who is being treated for cancer) got a chest infection and she hadn’t even seen her GP about it, she had even been coughing up blood. Even though I’m always calling I still didn’t realise how bad it was! And my dad was no use at all, it was an inconvenience to his social plans basically. I thought would he just let her die if she got really sick? It wouldn’t be so bad if they were both happy and healthy.

Did you have Easter with your hubby and kids?

Many posts on this thread have resonated as I had a similar conversation with my Ddad 17 years ago after dm passed away. At that time he was young (58) and in good health and for various reasons he decided to stay close by and purachsed a bungalow in our semi rural but well connected village with loys of community and ammenities.

In the early years he did travel extensively before and after he retired. Sadly from quite early on (63) he has had significant health issues (he'd have had to retire due to.ill health at this point ) and its been a relief and easy to help him as he is only.up the road. I take on board posters saying We are all living longer which is true but that doesn't always mean those years are in good health.

I do wonder if this retiring away may be different in a few years. I won't be able to retire until I'm late 60s (if I get there) and even then I can see my dc being unable to leave the family home due to difficulties buying a home or being able to afford to rent!

Ps my escape to the country dream was always the Lake District. However I will just plan to visit hahaha

I do think it is a blip.

Fewer opportunities now to retire early. More general understanding of issues with local health provision especially in rural areas. More adult children needing financial input from parents for longer.

I do see a lot of selfishness and shortsightedness in decisions to move away to remote areas in late middle age. The 'I've worked hard so I deserve this' narrative.

But still my mum wants three hour round trips to celebrate every bank holiday, with every member of the family present despite teenagers working in hospitality

well what she expects and what you can do aren't the same are they?

Sorry mum, kids are working that day, they can't make it. They'll see you another time.

Separately I can relate to the poster who talked about their relative talking about all their aches and pains and what the neighbours are doing,

I get that too. And of course ALL the neighbours have their offspring living close by so they see them "all the time" whereas I live 3 hours away.

This really is a cautionary tale! My parents upsized at 65-odd and nearly did this - thank god they didn't go all in, but instead just moved 2m down the road, still within reach of everything they knew, nice walks and within reach of us. We kind of laughed at the time (in terms of whether it was worth it), but now they have a nicer house in better condition, with a manageable garden, so actually nailed it! I hope your family find a better solution somehow..

I’m quite surprised at the number of people living close to their parents in the first place. Myself and one of my siblings left the area when we left home . The idea of having parents down the road at any time in adult life is a bit strange to me.

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I moved away when I went to university and got married etc but moved back when children were quite young - not for child care or babysitting as my parents weren't interested in doing that. They live about 10 minutes walk from me but they are in their 80s and are always out and about so I hardly see them.
The majority of people I know live close to their parents.

My 18 year old is adamant that she will continue living within half a mile of us when she finishes university. The oldest would be like a spell living elsewhere as she currently does live about half a mile away but never has any money so I can't see that happening for a while. We live in a city that many young people choose to flock to for university life so in many ways they don't need to move and don't have any current desires to live in the sticks.

The idea of having parents down the road at any time in adult life is a bit strange to me.

It's perfectly normal for millions of people.

I envy them.

Yes so do I . However Surely most people move away for work etc?

Surely most people move away for work etc?

Most people? Remember 50% don't go to University and it was a far higher number when I was young.

Many will get jobs near their hometown or a nearby city. Some might move 30/40/60 mins away for work. So you're right, they're not down the road from their parents but not hours away.

I think you are right. I used to live in a big city and most of my older kids friends stayed in the city or returned after university. We then moved, I was in my 40s and younger kids still at primary school. We moved to a smallish seaside town and the vast majority of kids who went away to university have never moved back, a bit more mixed with the ones who didn't do uni but we lose so many of our young people down here.