How to stop elderly parent from driving!

[Catchupwiththeneighbours]

Just after a bit of advice please.

Parent is 90 and I really feel he shouldn't be driving anymore especially as his car is a very powerful model and he over estimates his capability.

Earlier in the year I reported him to the DVLA and felt awful but that I had done the right thing and lo and behold they passed him fit to drive!!

He is being fairly sensible in that he won't drive in the dark or rain but still goes on the motorway occasionally, to the supermarket, church, health appointments etc.

We were at a funeral recently and all his friends expressed great concern that he was still driving as have various health professionals. Does anyone have any advice please? We have a pretty ropey relationship tbh, many big fallings out over the years and he does not take kindly to any help or interference but I just cannot help think that he's going to cause a dreadful accident if he carries on like this. He's had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass, hit a kerb, that kind of thing. So hard as it will remove his independence and I don't live particularly near to him but don't feel we can allow this to continue.

TIA

I've already said twice up thread that he has a neighbour offer to take him to church, local community transport to the supermarket, I take him to funerals, health appointments to see friends etc. There is a taxi firm which he used once as I couldn't take him to a hospital appointment and it went fine but he resents spending the money. He lives in a lovely big village, very close to all the amenities, he walks to some places. He wouldn't be stranded!

I also had a near miss last week.... should I stop driving ?

I assume he's only doing short distances , in the day time

People will also lie on the DVLA medical forms - they’ll tick the box that says that their condition doesn’t affect their ability to drive when it does.

Around 65% of accidents occur within 5 miles of home, so “he’s only doing short distances” is irrelevant.

Presume you managed to avoid the collision rather than someone else in the car shouting out though?

Actually no. I genuinely didnt see it. A lapse of concentration. It really shook me up

@Maddy70 presumably you would classify that as a rare lapse in concentration and your reactions were fast once you did see it?

The elderly are prone more frequent lapses in concentration and their reactions are generally not so fast. How quickly they deteriorate is individual but I doubt there is a 90 year old with the concentration and reactions of the average 50 year old. It's judging when that becomes too risky to drive that is difficult.

So did you hit someone? I'm taking from your post that you didn't so you managed to stop in time despite your lapse and subsequent shock which must have been horrible.

I thought you said he’d had cataract operations? In which case he-does not have cataracts

I would think that if an elderly person can afford to have and run a car, if they sell it, then they would be able to pay for quite a lot of ubers - journeys are short - these people are generally driving to supermarket, docs etc. That’s a common patronising view of elderly people. Many in their 70s and 80s still lead active lives. I do a weekly 100 mile round trip to a rural location not served by public transport. Fortunately no one has suggested I might be nearing the end if my driving career.

It is so, so hard when someone's independence is taken away - my Dad has deteriorated significantly since he's no longer been allowed to drive, and he's quite depressed these days. But the alternative is the very real possibility he may have killed or injured someone. Having seen what a pensioner did to a solid brick wall near my house when they got pedal confusion, I dread to think what would the consequences would've been if it had happened when all the village kids were walking to school - mine included. They would not have survived being hit with that force.

Not had an operation, apparently it's not bad enough to prevent him from driving, he's said himself his eyesight is deteriorating though.

70/80 is quite different to 90 though. I know loads of 70 year olds driving perfectly safely, no one in the world suggesting they reconsider.

This is my feeling. I absolutely hate the thought of him losing his independence but I do think at that age you're unlikely to be doing that many things spontaneously so would be easy to set up weekly taxis to the supermarket, church, GP etc.

I've currently got a similar problem with my mother.

She's 80 and disabled. Has a mobility car.

She didn't learn to drive until she was 65 and despite passing first time, I've often said (even to her face) she must have been a good shag on the day of her test. She is an abysmal driver and always has been. When she gets to corners she drive in angles not around curves. Doesn't know what half the buttons in her car does etc etc. I have not let her drive me anywhere in the last five years. Even to the extent that, when I go to visit her and have to get to/from the main station, I say I have a company uber account and they don't mind me using it for personal use.

Three months ago she had a fall and had not driven for a while. Her disability is arthritis in her hips and knees and a fused spine. Same condition as when she passed her test. she hadn't driven for a couple of months as a result

She has a neighbour who does a lot for her as I live 270 miles away. Up untiul last week, every time she got into the car he ran over and took her keys away and asked her what she wanted from Tesco and he'd go and get it. The last time he told her he'd taken the keys until I went down.

So last week I was down there. Objectively:

1. She should never have passed her test
2. She's actually more mobile than before her last hip operation. At that point she needed to stand on a little stool before getting in.
3. She struggles to get in and out of the car - takes her about 20 minutes each time - but once she's in she can freely move her ankle. Since she drives an automatic that is all she needs to do.
4. Her doctors are aware of her condition

Anyway, I went down and gave her back her keys and said to the neighbour that if he did that again, I'd call the police as he has no right, nor do I, to take her keys off her.

Her ability to drive is awful but not connected to her medical condition or age.

Her ability to lift her legs and support her body weight whilst working is a mobility issue and not a factor when she's sitting in the car.

I do have an issue with the neighbour because he makes no secret about wanting to buy her mobility car when it comes off lease or buy her hourse when she passes away. Since July, he's very insistent that she shouldn't drive and that I should consider putting her in a home. I can't help but feel the two are connected.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It is so difficult and I am very fortunate that I wasn't placed in it. My Dad was still driving at 87, and was willingly considering that it was probably time to stop (he had a couple of falls and his COPD was worsening). Pneumonia unfortunately took him before the decision needed to be made but he was willing to make it if needed.

My mother voluntarily gave up driving four or five years ago due to worsening eyesight (she'd had already had cataracts removed, but nothing can correct age related macular degeneration). I don't think she actually surrendered her licence but the car was sold and there isn't one there any more. She uses taxis if she needs to go out or waits until my sister or I are visiting.

So by pure luck I did not have to go through this (I too had very stubborn parents and had been dreading it).

I must say that some people on here seem to have remarkable faith in government departments such as the DVLA! The tests and assessments can be very basic.

I must say that some people on here seem to have remarkable faith in government departments such as the DVLA! The tests and assessments can be very basic

Hear hear!

70/80 is quite different to 90 though. I know loads of 70 year olds driving perfectly safely, no one in the world suggesting they reconsider. Well 89 isn't very different from 90 . I wasn't stating anything about their driving ability, just that the people I associate with, who are mainly late 70s and well into 80s, have a more active life than GP, supermarket and church.

Although no one in the world suggesting they reconsider is a bit of an exaggeration. No-one on this thread, maybe, but plenty of people on social media arguing that everyone over 70 or even 65 should be having an annual driving test, with the subtext that most of them shouldn't be on the road.

I don't think she actually surrendered her licence but the car was sold and there isn't one there any more Sensible not to surrender license - it's a useful id document. Though you're a bit stuck at 3 year renewal when you have to answer truthfully whether you're still able to drive.

I've never seen anyone suggesting drivers that 'young' should be prevented from driving, surely that's a fairly fringe opinion?

I've never seen anyone suggesting drivers that 'young' should be prevented from driving, surely that's a fairly fringe opinion? I've seen it expressed a lot. Different demographic from MN.

Does it have to be in date though? My mum's expired passport is still valid ID for a lot of things like building society account opening.

My son has had an out of date passport refused as id. I suspect driving licence will need to be in date for anything where it's being used as proof of address - letters from HMRC, bank statements etc have to be within 6 months or 3 months.

I get what you are saying, but she won't have been bothered about that. She'll have just let it lapse I should think. She won't go to the bother of renewing it.

I reported FIL after following him for 3 miles and finding it rather scarey. DVLA wrote to him to ask of he was OK to drive and of course he said yes. He didn't have any conditions that made it mandatory to surrender his licence but he couldn't drive in a straight line and his judgement of speed and distance was appalling. Luckily when he had his big accident shortly afterwards no one else was involved, he just blocked an A road for a while so the police were involved. They told him they wouldn't charge him with driving without due care and attention provided he gave up his licence. It was still a close run thing.
It would have saved him a fortune if he hadn't been driving as well. He had had a brand new car on a lease for nearly 2 years and had done less than 1500 miles.