How to stop elderly parent from driving!

[Catchupwiththeneighbours]

Just after a bit of advice please.

Parent is 90 and I really feel he shouldn't be driving anymore especially as his car is a very powerful model and he over estimates his capability.

Earlier in the year I reported him to the DVLA and felt awful but that I had done the right thing and lo and behold they passed him fit to drive!!

He is being fairly sensible in that he won't drive in the dark or rain but still goes on the motorway occasionally, to the supermarket, church, health appointments etc.

We were at a funeral recently and all his friends expressed great concern that he was still driving as have various health professionals. Does anyone have any advice please? We have a pretty ropey relationship tbh, many big fallings out over the years and he does not take kindly to any help or interference but I just cannot help think that he's going to cause a dreadful accident if he carries on like this. He's had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass, hit a kerb, that kind of thing. So hard as it will remove his independence and I don't live particularly near to him but don't feel we can allow this to continue.

TIA

Not an easy situation.

I know someone who 'borrowed' their parents car saying they needed it themselves - ie confiscated it.

One thing - if you know your dad's reg plate you can check whether the car is taxed and MOTd and insured. On the dvla website.

Another easy way out when the driving licence expires. If someone is unable to complete the renewal process themselves have they got the cognitive range to be driving?

Is the insurance company aware of any diagnoses - it would be illegal not to report medical conditions. A couple of ‘dinks’ no matter how small should also be reported. This will send the insurance premium sky high which should force the incompetent driver of the road?

Is he safe to drive a mobility scooter though. The drivers of those cause plenty of accidents, I've been rammed by one in Asda and clipped by one driven by a local woman who I think has Parkinson's, she goes really fast on the pavement and can't slow down or devite from her path when I'm walking with my children. A while back one drove off the pavement into the path of oncoming traffic and the person using it was killed.

Any chance you could at least talk him into getting a fancy new car with all the safety features that fall short enough of self-driving to be allowed over here?

This sort of thing...
https://www.uk-car-discount.co.uk/jargon/top-five-advanced-driver-assistance-systems-2023

He's been assessed by the DVLA. Has he had any accidents or actually driven dangerously? Please don't listen to other posters and take his keys. As long as he has capacity then it's no one's place to decide he should stop driving. I'm sure it's a lifeline for independence. Elderly people are so infantilised in today's society.

Plus drivers of all ages have near misses and hit curbs!

The answers are so black or white to this question, thank you for all the contributions. I'm not intervening in any physical way, just trying to hopefully get him to reach the decision by himself. Old age certainly isn't for the faint hearted, it's very depressing to witness let alone experience.

That's what happened with my dad. He couldn't renew it without my help and I felt v uncomfortable helping him to continue to drive. So I said we would see how we got on with him getting taxis everywhere.

He then got told about six months later by the memory clinic that he shouldn't drive as his spatial awareness was compromised. But several times over the 15 months between stopping driving and dying he asked if I thought he would be ok to drive and expressed sadness that he couldn't.

What medical professionals is it that have expressed concern? Are they qualified to notify the DVLA on medical grounds?

His GP and the memory clinic assessors, they were very surprised that he was still driving

My father in law refused to stop driving. Family had to intervene. There was no ‘sitting down for a chat’ because a) he thought he was an excellent driver b) he thought he should be allowed to do whatever he wants c) he didn’t care about consequences.

He drove the wrong way round a busy roundabout.

People tend to mention how unsafe younger drivers are. I’d like to offer up some statistics here: as a cohort, this is technically true, but younger people do many more journeys as they are working. On a per mile basis, the story is very different. I’ve attached a screenshot from UK gov statistics website. The over 85s are much more ‘dangerous’ per mile driven than new and young drivers.

Government appears unwilling to change the law to reflect this situation, despite a rapidly ageing population. When people get really old, they lack insight, perspective and also become very selfish in some cases. And yet, they can simply self-certify. This puts families in a difficult situation. Culturally we err on the side of prioritising personal independence of the elderly rather than the safety of the public. I think this is wrong.

His GP and the memory clinic assessors, they were very surprised that he was still driving

I think if it's got to the stage where the Memory Clinic are involved and they are surprised that he's driving it's time to intervene. Maybe a vital part of the engine can disappear or one if you could borrow the car?

If his memory is failing, he simply won't remember any poor driving he's done recently and will believe that he's fine.

What I’ve seen recommended before, in the case of dementia, is to get some mechanically minded person to disable the car in some way, and then have it ‘broken down at the garage’ for ages, until they forget.
I know this won’t work for everybody, though.

@Catchupwiththeneighbours , my Dm gave her car up voluntarily, pre dementia, because she’d become nervous in traffic. As we pointed out, what with the sale price, no more petrol, road tax, servicing etc., she could afford plenty of taxis, but would she ever take one? No, because in her head they were a great extravagance! When she could easily afford a couple a week, it was so bloody frustrating!

Yes I hate the bouncing of the blame on to young people as though it cancels out the elderly dangerous drivers. We won't be able to have nice chat either unfortunately, he's just not that sort of person.

He acknowledges that he shouldn't drive at night or in the rain but he just keeps saying he hasn't had an accident since 1964 which may well be true but I counter argue that nor have I since 1984 but doesn't mean neither of us can't be involved in an accident tomorrow!

He'd be on the phone to the garage to come and fix it before you could say carburetor sadly...

He's the same re taxis, can easily afford them but can't believe the cost. Yet he pays £700 a year on some insane warranty for his car perfectly happily though!

If he has been seen and diagnosed by the memory service then he has to report it to the DVLA, or you can, and be retested even though he didn’t have one that long ago. He will also need to tell insurance company.

Ive reported patients to the DVLA and they’ve passed them! The test is not very long and doesn’t challenge them on any unknown events. Hence most pass it. The things is most can hold it together for the 20 mins the test takes but I suspect cracks would show of it was for longer.

NooNakedJacuzziness · Yesterday 15:41
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People saying take their keys and cars away - if they've been cleared to drive by the DVLA that's theft. What if they report you to police?”

This. Theft aside, who are you to decide? If the person in question has mental capacity, it’s none of your business.

Of he has the capability to dirt out his car this way he doesn't sound too bad to me.

He's been assessed , back off him. I can understand why you didn't have a great relationship. He's elderly, he's chosen not to drive at night as he recognises He's not great at that
He's making reasonable choices. He's old, not an idiot

Have you bothered reading at least my posts? I have no intention of taking his keys or sabotaging his car, please at least bother reading before accusing me of theft.

You clearly don't understand that people can be able to make a phone call but not necessarily be good to drive. He had a narrow miss recently where he didn't see someone at a roundabout, it was only because the passenger with him shouted out that he didn't hit them. Yes he can still phone the garage though so that's ok in your book is it??

Catchupwiththeneighbours
Have you bothered reading at least my posts? I have no intention of taking his keys or sabotaging his car, please at least bother reading before accusing me of theft.”

I was addressing those people who said they had taken keys/cars, not you. I wasn’t clear.

You need a replacement system for when he can’t drive . Can he use uber? Is there a local taxi service ?

People who say that ‘professionals’ are able to assess someone’s ability to drive safely, IMO are pretty clueless about the ‘best face’ that even people with dementia are able to present when needed.

I’ve heard of various professionals quite happy to accept it, when someone says, ‘Oh, yes, I can still manage to do my shopping, cooking, etc.’ when relatives know 100% that they have not been able to at all, for some time.