How to stop elderly parent from driving!

[Catchupwiththeneighbours]

Just after a bit of advice please.

Parent is 90 and I really feel he shouldn't be driving anymore especially as his car is a very powerful model and he over estimates his capability.

Earlier in the year I reported him to the DVLA and felt awful but that I had done the right thing and lo and behold they passed him fit to drive!!

He is being fairly sensible in that he won't drive in the dark or rain but still goes on the motorway occasionally, to the supermarket, church, health appointments etc.

We were at a funeral recently and all his friends expressed great concern that he was still driving as have various health professionals. Does anyone have any advice please? We have a pretty ropey relationship tbh, many big fallings out over the years and he does not take kindly to any help or interference but I just cannot help think that he's going to cause a dreadful accident if he carries on like this. He's had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass, hit a kerb, that kind of thing. So hard as it will remove his independence and I don't live particularly near to him but don't feel we can allow this to continue.

TIA

Someone did this to us on Thursday on the A120 The reversing described here. We had to swerve to avoid them.

but don't feel we can allow this to continue

I'm not sure it's a a case of you allowing it or not. You may well disagree with it (I do) but he is an adult who the DVLA have passed to keep driving a bit longer.

I wish the DVLA had stricter standards but they don't - and so other than share your opinion with him and report him (as you have already done) there isn't much more you can do.

He has the right I make his own decision in his circumstances. Even if that decision is stupid.

I know 😞

He has the right I make his own decision in his circumstances. Even if that decision is stupid

Which is true if it only affects the OPs parent. But there is the potential that it could have disastrous consequences for other people

If he had capacity I think taking away his ladder is out of order tbh. I can see why you are worried but we shouldn't take away people's autonomy just because they are old and we disagree with their decisions. Obviously if he had lost capacity then it's a different matter.

Other than difficulty turning his neck why do you think he shouldn't be driving? What do you mean by "he can't see over the steering wheel"? If his vision is that impaired DVLA would have picked it up on the retest. If it's a height issue, surely he can just raise the seat? People drive with all sorts of disabilities. There was a man on TV the other day that drives with his feet having been born without arms. Having a physical impairment doesn't automatically mean he shouldn't be driving.

I had an accident with a man driving who was in his 90s. The accident was completely my fault, not his. He seemed completely compos mentis when I spoke to him afterwards (and he was lovely about it 😩😩😩) and he told me he had never had an accident in his life. A record he'd probably have continued if it wasn't for me 😩. Poor man, I was and am mortified.

Anyhow, my point is old age doesn't automatically means you shouldn't drive which is why DVLA assess you, not automatically bar you from driving, over a certain age.

Do you think you're projecting? Maybe he isn't that bad.
He has been assessed and they judge him fit to drive so maybe he is?

Imagine his life without his independence shopping, visiting friends etc. Life would be very different for him without it

I'm going to go against the grain here. You have not given a good reason for your relative not too drive beyond eye sight and the fact that they are small. Neither of which is sever enough reason to remove their lisence as they have just been reassessed.

Regarding the other comments the scariest one was a woman reversing down a 60 mph dual carriage way but that particular case was someone in their 60s so what is the magic age we should remove licences?

Also a series of stories doesn't back up your argumment. The amount of threads I read on here about exes speeding or driving drunk should mean all men should lose there licences.

One of my friends tried very hard to get her very elderly father who was receiving cancer treatment from driving as he was a menace on the road. There are only a very few condition where they will revoke the licence and they wouldn't revoke it. Luckily her father unexpectedly dropped dead without warning at the hospital rather than behind the wheel on the way there. He was extremely selfish and wouldn't have given the slightest thought to other people he might injure.

My own husband was knocked off a motorbike as a teenage student by some old fool who went through a stop sign. My husband had a shattered ankle which has never been totally right afterwards. This man did not even get out of the car to see how badly he was injured or render first aid. When the police arrived, he was anxious to be on his way because, as he explained to the officer, he was on his way to play bridge. I mean I just can't get the mentality of somebody who ploughs through a stop sign, badly injures an innocent kid on a bike whom he doesn't even check on and is planning to carry on to play bridge while his victim is being carried off in an ambulance.

My Dad drove until over 90, I was more concerned when he gave up the car as it gave independence. However, he would have needed a new car so the time was right. Only one accident, not when he was old and not his fault.

My MIL drove a car that was on some kind of lease scheme via the Japanese car form BIL works for. When she was 78, someone damaged the car while it was parked. It was no big deal and not her fault but the BIL made so much fuss about it that she went out and bought her own car. She doesn’t drive now, but did for some yeats after with no problems.

Thank you for the balanced replies, in a way I almost want to be told I'm being unreasonable as then I don't feel it's my responsibility. I really don't want to take away his independence, especially from a selfish pov it would be me that had to step up my driving him everywhere and I'm a 2 hour round trip from him so popping to the shops for 10 minutes isn't how it would pan out.

I think it's just the weight of responsibility towards other people out there that really burdens me but yes there are all sorts of drivers out there who definitely shouldn't be allowed out!

Oh my God!

Isn't it a shame that something has gone mechanically wrong with the car, so you've had to take it off to the garage and it's going to be months before it is sorted........................(just make sure you don't park it close enough to his house for him to spot it!)

I feel for you - we have the same issue with my mother, who has vision issues, is incredibly tottery and has such bad knees that I don’t think she’d manage an emergency stop. I am hoping that the insurance increase at the next renewal will be sufficient that we can finally get her to agree that using a taxi for the odd shopping trip is more cost effective than running a car.

People saying take their keys and cars away - if they've been cleared to drive by the DVLA that's theft. What if they report you to police?

That's what I was going to say - how can you just sell someone else's car when you don't own it?

If you're worried, I'd ring the GP and describe honestly how he is and see what they say.

What test did DVLA do?

Myself all my siblings and plenty of my dad's neighbours have reported my dad. (Parkinson) he's always been a bit shit at driving (too fast not enough space very angry at others)

To be frank he is bloody dangerous he speeds down his road by primary schools . I have asked him to stop he won't, if I hide the keys he just goes into town and buys a replacement. The police won't stop him DVLA just sent him a form which he signed and sent back saying he's fine.

At The latest consultant appointment, the Dr. just ASKED him if he feels safe to drive and he obviously said yes... He suguested that maybe he doesn't drive too far or in the dark....

He is going to kill someone and he doesn't care and I can't think of how to stop him.

You can't stop someone driving just because they are 90 - for men, 17-24 year olds are just as dangerous as 85+ drivers per billion miles driven, and the older drivers drive fewer miles so in absolute terms cause fewer serious accidents. It also sounds as if he has full capacity and lives independently, so how exactly are you going to stop him other than by bullying him and infantilising him?

When he starts having accidents that are clearly his fault, or causing accidents, or getting lost, or has one of the zillions of notifiable illnesses then you have justification for stepping in.

I say this as someone who dobbed in his FIL who had become objectively dangerous - he was tested and banned from driving.

I think you have to be honest. Me and my brother had a very frank discussion with an elderly parent -all siblings agreed that they were no longer safe to drive. Parent was angry. We removed the keys and their life became curtailed due to where they live and the absence of public transport. (We did put other support in place).
I could take the anger as I preferred that to the terrible possibility that they would kill someone. I had to consider the fact that they had very poor eyesight and lived near a school. Sometimes we have to do our own risk assessment and not outsource it to the frankly quite useless DVLA. I fear they will only step up and take this huge issue seriously when there has been a terrible tragedy.

The DVLA don’t assess the over 70’s! The person just ticks a box on a form to say they are fit to drive!

DVLA send the recipient an application form 90 days before their 70th birthday which they just fill in and tick a box saying they are fit to drive.

The DVLA or a doctor don’t ’assess’ - the person just ticks a box.

You are right - younger male drivers account for more accidents than the over 70’s, BUT older drivers (over the age of 70) account for 10% of all casualties and the severity of the accident if much higher (there’s a highly likelihood of death). And all because that person is too bloody stubborn to hang up their keys.

If they injured one of your family members you would feel differently.

Yes, won't be taking anything away. DVLA just did a sight test, that's what's so annoying, he has zero strength, cannot properly turn his neck to see over his shoulder, I honestly thought they'd do a proper driving test again ...

You need to put a plan in place to show him that he will still be able to get out and about. It’s not good enough to tell him ‘stop driving’.
How will he go to the supermarket? Don’t say online delivery- if he is like my gran he probably enjoys browsing the shelves and probably can’t navigate a computer.
Who will take him to and from church? - a lifeline for many old people?
Does he meet people in the week? If so, how will that continue?

You will most likely it be able to drop everything to be your Dad’s taxi. Fair enough. But if he is to consider not driving anymore you need to present it in a way that sounds acceptable. Believe me, so many spritely elderly people go downhill when they become isolated at home.

He's been passed fit to drive. Leave him alone. He's an adult who can make his own decisions.

I would think that if an elderly person can afford to have and run a car, if they sell it, then they would be able to pay for quite a lot of ubers - journeys are short - these people are generally driving to supermarket, docs etc.

I taught my ds to drive recently and once when we were out, there was a little car up ahead of us that was lane wandering quite badly, driving half the speed limit etc- my ds goes OMG is that someone drunk driving? And I said, no, that is much more likely to be someone who is no longer capable of driving due to age. Sure enough as we got nearer, it was indeed an unfit elderly driver.

My dm had to stop her partner driving. He would just drive up to roundabouts, consider it a race and just go - regardless of whether there was someone on his right. He would hoot at people, getting into some form of tangle every time he went out - and his eyesight had deteriorated very badly. He wasn't doddery, he just started driving wildly.

The OP says he's having near misses, driving up kerbs and over grass!