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Elderly parents
Original poster

How to stop elderly parent from driving!

204 replies

Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 12:27

Just after a bit of advice please.

Parent is 90 and I really feel he shouldn't be driving anymore especially as his car is a very powerful model and he over estimates his capability.

Earlier in the year I reported him to the DVLA and felt awful but that I had done the right thing and lo and behold they passed him fit to drive!!

He is being fairly sensible in that he won't drive in the dark or rain but still goes on the motorway occasionally, to the supermarket, church, health appointments etc.

We were at a funeral recently and all his friends expressed great concern that he was still driving as have various health professionals. Does anyone have any advice please? We have a pretty ropey relationship tbh, many big fallings out over the years and he does not take kindly to any help or interference but I just cannot help think that he's going to cause a dreadful accident if he carries on like this. He's had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass, hit a kerb, that kind of thing. So hard as it will remove his independence and I don't live particularly near to him but don't feel we can allow this to continue.

TIA

OP posts:
samcartersg1 · 03/12/2023 16:55

wjpa · 03/12/2023 16:51

I would think that if an elderly person can afford to have and run a car, if they sell it, then they would be able to pay for quite a lot of ubers - journeys are short - these people are generally driving to supermarket, docs etc.

I taught my ds to drive recently and once when we were out, there was a little car up ahead of us that was lane wandering quite badly, driving half the speed limit etc- my ds goes OMG is that someone drunk driving? And I said, no, that is much more likely to be someone who is no longer capable of driving due to age. Sure enough as we got nearer, it was indeed an unfit elderly driver.

My dm had to stop her partner driving. He would just drive up to roundabouts, consider it a race and just go - regardless of whether there was someone on his right. He would hoot at people, getting into some form of tangle every time he went out - and his eyesight had deteriorated very badly. He wasn't doddery, he just started driving wildly.

Not everywhere has ubers. Or, indeed, taxis. If I was to be without a car, I would have to move.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 16:59

Mariposista · 03/12/2023 16:36

You need to put a plan in place to show him that he will still be able to get out and about. It’s not good enough to tell him ‘stop driving’.
How will he go to the supermarket? Don’t say online delivery- if he is like my gran he probably enjoys browsing the shelves and probably can’t navigate a computer.
Who will take him to and from church? - a lifeline for many old people?
Does he meet people in the week? If so, how will that continue?

You will most likely it be able to drop everything to be your Dad’s taxi. Fair enough. But if he is to consider not driving anymore you need to present it in a way that sounds acceptable. Believe me, so many spritely elderly people go downhill when they become isolated at home.

I said earlier there is a community action group who will take seniors to the supermarket every week as I agree he needs to be able to wander around and pick stuff for himself. A family friend has offered to take him to church every week and I accompany him to health appointments and funerals things like that. He's totally anti social and won't engage with anyone and hasn't done for years do he don't be missing out on socials. I've offered to take him to see the odd remaining friends that he does have. We've thought about it long and hard believe me!

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 03/12/2023 17:01

SabrinaThwaite · 03/12/2023 15:34

I feel for you - we have the same issue with my mother, who has vision issues, is incredibly tottery and has such bad knees that I don’t think she’d manage an emergency stop. I am hoping that the insurance increase at the next renewal will be sufficient that we can finally get her to agree that using a taxi for the odd shopping trip is more cost effective than running a car.

This is why my elderly relative has stopped. The insurance has almost doubled and they've never enjoyed spending money.

We've set them up with their prescriptions being delivered and I'm doing their shopping for now. Shopping and collecting prescriptions were the only journeys they made.

GasDrivenNun · 03/12/2023 17:21

Who decided that he still had capacity?
How long ago was it decided as things can change quite rapidly.
You can have capacity to decide what you have for lunch but not to manage your finances or be aware you have dementia.

rookiemere · 03/12/2023 17:24

Ultimately you have done the right and difficult thing of reporting him to the DVLA. If they have assessed him as competent to drive, then it should be on their conscience if something happens when he is at the wheel.

I wish there was a better system of assessing people's driving capability, it feels like it should be fairly straightforward to organise some sort of computer based reflex testing system to be done at the same time as you get your eyes tested, but sadly there isn't.

Maybe these friends need to be ringing up the DVLA themselves, rather than putting the burden on you.

GasDrivenNun · 03/12/2023 17:26

I think many PP need to consider the right of the general public to be safe on the roads and pavements, and less the rights of individuals who are physically or mentally incapacitated, to continue to drive when they are a danger.
Their independence doesn't trump the public's right not to be injured or killed.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 17:29

GasDrivenNun · 03/12/2023 17:21

Who decided that he still had capacity?
How long ago was it decided as things can change quite rapidly.
You can have capacity to decide what you have for lunch but not to manage your finances or be aware you have dementia.

He was only tested by the DVLA about 2 months ago, the memory clinic people did another assessment on him a fortnight ago and we're just awaiting the results so all very current.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 17:30

GasDrivenNun · 03/12/2023 17:26

I think many PP need to consider the right of the general public to be safe on the roads and pavements, and less the rights of individuals who are physically or mentally incapacitated, to continue to drive when they are a danger.
Their independence doesn't trump the public's right not to be injured or killed.

These are my thoughts, I know it will be awful for him but let's face it, he's at the very end of his time on this earth, if he killed or maimed a young person starting out in life then that would be utterly devastating.

OP posts:
GasDrivenNun · 03/12/2023 17:33

@Catchupwiththeneighbours
Was it a proper driving assessment at a centre, not just a sight test?
That should consider both physical and mental capability .

An assessment like this

www.iamroadsmart.com/courses

haribosmarties · 03/12/2023 17:35

Had this issue with my mum. Could not believe they gave her licence back to her. She did not even have to re take a test.
The outcome was that she drove her car into a wall. Luckily no one was hurt. And hopefully it's put her off thinking she can drive now. Car is totalled anyway.
Cannot believe they just let people who are elderly or have serious health problems continue to drive without some kind of refresher test.
Someone could have died.
And no she would not listen to a word me or my husband said to her about it

Babyroobs · 03/12/2023 17:37

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 03/12/2023 15:12

One of my friends tried very hard to get her very elderly father who was receiving cancer treatment from driving as he was a menace on the road. There are only a very few condition where they will revoke the licence and they wouldn't revoke it. Luckily her father unexpectedly dropped dead without warning at the hospital rather than behind the wheel on the way there. He was extremely selfish and wouldn't have given the slightest thought to other people he might injure.

My own husband was knocked off a motorbike as a teenage student by some old fool who went through a stop sign. My husband had a shattered ankle which has never been totally right afterwards. This man did not even get out of the car to see how badly he was injured or render first aid. When the police arrived, he was anxious to be on his way because, as he explained to the officer, he was on his way to play bridge. I mean I just can't get the mentality of somebody who ploughs through a stop sign, badly injures an innocent kid on a bike whom he doesn't even check on and is planning to carry on to play bridge while his victim is being carried off in an ambulance.

When my kids were young my parents car was hit by a 90+ year old lady who mistook the accelarator for her brake at a junction. My parents had my 2 toddlers in the car. Luckily no-one was seriously injured ( my mum just had a gash to her leg) but it could have been a lot worse.

letsallmeetupinthehyear2000 · 03/12/2023 17:40

My dad is still driving at 91. He has excellent reactions and is a v good driver.
luckily no signs of any dementia and in pretty good health.

MenopauseSucks · 03/12/2023 18:04

Our GP said my mother should do a formal driving assessment through the DVLA after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
It took about an hour & was conducted by 'Driving Mobility'.

She failed it so her licence was taken away.

I did have Power of Attorney so had been able to chat to her GP about my concerns with regards to her driving.
Mum was called in for a GP appointment & was told to go for the assessment.
She was given no choice, the GP would not fill in the DVLA medical forms without her doing it.

She was very angry but the fact she'd done & failed an official assessment meant she had no choice but to stop driving.

If you can get the GP onboard, getting them to insist on a formal assessment, then it is a good way to stop them driving!

Gooseysgirl · 03/12/2023 18:06

GasDrivenNun · 03/12/2023 17:26

I think many PP need to consider the right of the general public to be safe on the roads and pavements, and less the rights of individuals who are physically or mentally incapacitated, to continue to drive when they are a danger.
Their independence doesn't trump the public's right not to be injured or killed.

Completely agree with this!!! My mid-80s parent really should not be driving anymore. Thankfully has stopped driving at night and now wears hearing aids so marginally more safe than previously. I think the problem is the loss of independence and freedom that would ensue, especially if living rurally with limited public transport options. Afore-mentioned elderly parent also thinks they are an excellent driver because they have not had any accidents - actually there's only one reason for that... pure LUCK!!!

muddyford · 03/12/2023 18:11

My DF is 90 and still driving. I wish there was a compulsory assessment at 80, 85 and 90. People vary so much - a friend was still driving from Devon to Lincolnshire at 90 though he had flown bombers in WW2 so was probably safer than most people of all age groups!

VWT5 · 03/12/2023 18:13

Locally there are organisations via online Neighbourhood Watch that run driving courses, free refreshers for older drivers, often run by retired police officers, it’s possible that one might come out to do “a free driving assessment” and then they might advise the driver that now is the time to stop? Your relative might accept this from a trusted third party?

I think our organisation advised we contact them to get help in these same circumstances

tomatoontoast · 03/12/2023 18:18

We secretly took my Nanny's keys. Both the main and spare set. She had a number of small accidents where, thankfully, nobody else was involved but it was all completely avoidable accidents. They started to escalate and even worse, she started to hide from us that the accidents were happening at all.

She thought they were lost and we went along with that line until she went to order a new set and she saw the price on the insurance.

Thankfully she dropped it and the car was taken away eventually.

NorthernSpirit · 03/12/2023 18:21

GasDrivenNun · 03/12/2023 17:26

I think many PP need to consider the right of the general public to be safe on the roads and pavements, and less the rights of individuals who are physically or mentally incapacitated, to continue to drive when they are a danger.
Their independence doesn't trump the public's right not to be injured or killed.

This 👆

This is the best / most intelligent comment on this thread.

All those people saying ‘if they want to drive…. If they want to keep their independence….’

I can not agree more that it doesn’t trump everyone else’s safety 👏👏👏

Chouxpastryishard · 03/12/2023 18:25

Mine is 86 and has never been a good driver. She doesn’t drive far, but she can get her shopping and visit friends. She’s had two accidents in the last 18 months and my worry is that she will injure or kill someone. She’s had a cognitive test at the GP and passed, but it’s obvious to me she is losing her marbles. If she didn’t have her car she would be reliant on others to pick her up and drop her off , take her shopping etc. She’s struggles on buses as they can lurch around and she can’t move quickly enough worh bags etc .

Choux · 03/12/2023 18:27

DVLA just did a sight test, that's what's so annoying, he has zero strength, cannot properly turn his neck to see over his shoulder, I honestly thought they'd do a proper driving test again ...

When did he last see his GP for an overall assessment? Bloods, check heartbeat for atrial fibrillation which is quite common in over 80s, blood pressure etc. If you could get him a check up and go with him the doctor will see him walk in and you can then say that you would like to have your mind put at rest that he is fit enough to still be driving as he is a little frail and does not have good range of motion in his neck.

If the memory assessment do not make any recommendations to stop driving and the dr pronounces him fit to drive I think that you can only appeal to his better nature (which you say he doesn't have) to stop. Or wait a few months till you can see a health deterioration and try again with the GP then.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2023 18:31

floofbag · 03/12/2023 13:17

I sent back my mums driving licence and sold her car !
She was diagnosed with dementia and the dvla said they
Can still drive with that diagnosis unbelievably so I took it into my own hands ..

She went mad but I couldn't be responsible for her killing someone .

Yes, same thing in my family.
I don't understand why the DVLA thinks this is OK.

My brother and sil (not husband and wife, but one brother and one sil) finally took the keys off him and now the biggest thing we have to worry about is fielding off the 'where's my car?' and 'where are my keys' questions.

Choux · 03/12/2023 18:33

Chouxpastryishard · 03/12/2023 18:25

Mine is 86 and has never been a good driver. She doesn’t drive far, but she can get her shopping and visit friends. She’s had two accidents in the last 18 months and my worry is that she will injure or kill someone. She’s had a cognitive test at the GP and passed, but it’s obvious to me she is losing her marbles. If she didn’t have her car she would be reliant on others to pick her up and drop her off , take her shopping etc. She’s struggles on buses as they can lurch around and she can’t move quickly enough worh bags etc .

Winter is a good time to try to get them to accept more help.

It's below zero mum. Why don't I order you an online shop so you don't have to go out this week?

It might be icy mum. Why don't I pick you up on my way to the supermarket and we can have a coffee and then do our shopping together?

tokesqueen · 03/12/2023 18:34

We've just had this conversation with FIL. He ignores us.
My DM was killed by a pensioner drifting into oncoming traffic, he also killed a young woman and badly injured another.
Got a fine and suspended sentence.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 03/12/2023 18:34

My Dad's eyesight was deteriorating (diabetic retinopathy) and he'd had cataract surgery in both eyes but somehow he was deemed fit to drive by the DVLA. I was so frustrated with him driving but luckily for us, he had a very minor knock into a parked car in a car park and was reported. He was visited by two lovely PCSO's who encouraged him to hand his keys over for his own safety, and they pointed out that he could have seriously hurt someone. He was very offended and upset but he did listen and we sold his car a few weeks later.

Tara336 · 03/12/2023 18:37

Went through this with DF the DVLA were absolutely useless, kept writing to HIM to ask about his fitness to drive and he kept writing back saying he was fine, he wasn't! I was shocked how hard it was to have a licence removed! Even on the day he's was sectioned with dementia he was trying to convince 3 health professionals that he should have his licenced returned