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Elderly parents
Original poster

How to stop elderly parent from driving!

204 replies

Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 12:27

Just after a bit of advice please.

Parent is 90 and I really feel he shouldn't be driving anymore especially as his car is a very powerful model and he over estimates his capability.

Earlier in the year I reported him to the DVLA and felt awful but that I had done the right thing and lo and behold they passed him fit to drive!!

He is being fairly sensible in that he won't drive in the dark or rain but still goes on the motorway occasionally, to the supermarket, church, health appointments etc.

We were at a funeral recently and all his friends expressed great concern that he was still driving as have various health professionals. Does anyone have any advice please? We have a pretty ropey relationship tbh, many big fallings out over the years and he does not take kindly to any help or interference but I just cannot help think that he's going to cause a dreadful accident if he carries on like this. He's had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass, hit a kerb, that kind of thing. So hard as it will remove his independence and I don't live particularly near to him but don't feel we can allow this to continue.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 18:38

Choux · 03/12/2023 18:27

DVLA just did a sight test, that's what's so annoying, he has zero strength, cannot properly turn his neck to see over his shoulder, I honestly thought they'd do a proper driving test again ...

When did he last see his GP for an overall assessment? Bloods, check heartbeat for atrial fibrillation which is quite common in over 80s, blood pressure etc. If you could get him a check up and go with him the doctor will see him walk in and you can then say that you would like to have your mind put at rest that he is fit enough to still be driving as he is a little frail and does not have good range of motion in his neck.

If the memory assessment do not make any recommendations to stop driving and the dr pronounces him fit to drive I think that you can only appeal to his better nature (which you say he doesn't have) to stop. Or wait a few months till you can see a health deterioration and try again with the GP then.

He's at the GP's about 6 times a week 😣 he's had every test for everything you could ever imagine. He literally books his next appointment as he leaves the one he's just had 😏 I often say he's the reason why no one can get any GP or hospital appointments.. .

OP posts:
hattie43 · 03/12/2023 18:42

Luckily mum at 80 is being her own driving monitor and her reducing confidence is now keeping her to local known roads only . She feels this will be her last year on the road .

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2023 18:42

" I often say he's the reason why no one can get any GP or hospital appointments.. ."

This made me laugh to be honest.

PermanentTemporary · 03/12/2023 18:44

Tbh he needed a Regional Driving Assessment Centre (RDAC) assessment. Do you think he might agree to a referral?

Choux · 03/12/2023 18:47

tokesqueen · 03/12/2023 18:34

We've just had this conversation with FIL. He ignores us.
My DM was killed by a pensioner drifting into oncoming traffic, he also killed a young woman and badly injured another.
Got a fine and suspended sentence.

Just a fine? Unbelievable! I'm very sorry you lost your DM and, possibly even more tragically, that a young person died too.

Fizbosshoes · 03/12/2023 18:50

My dad had cancer that affected his brain and presented similarly to a stroke, at first (we took him to A and E thinking he had had a stroke)
He was banned from driving for 2 years.

He made a remarkably good recovery but was still liable to go into a trance or fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I took him to his appointments and he said when 2 years was nearly up, that he would speak to the consultant about getting his licence back. I emailed the Dr and told her of my concerns ahead of the apt, and she was able to write to the dvla.
At first he was quite cross about it but after a while he actually was quite happy about how much money he saved by not having a car (he lived in an area well served by public transport which he could use free of charge)

TreesWelliesKnees · 03/12/2023 18:57

I would disown any child of mine who dared to interfere to that degree. He has capacity, which means he is allowed to make his own decisions, even if unwise. The DVLA say he is safe to drive and they have the authority to decide that, not you. If you take the keys from someone who has capacity that is theft, and I'd be reporting you to the police. I'm with your dad on this - you'd hear me from outer space I'd be so angry!

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 19:02

TreesWelliesKnees · 03/12/2023 18:57

I would disown any child of mine who dared to interfere to that degree. He has capacity, which means he is allowed to make his own decisions, even if unwise. The DVLA say he is safe to drive and they have the authority to decide that, not you. If you take the keys from someone who has capacity that is theft, and I'd be reporting you to the police. I'm with your dad on this - you'd hear me from outer space I'd be so angry!

Jeez, I haven't said anywhere on the thread that I'll take anything from him. You'd be happy though crossing a road in front of someone who can't move their neck, has cataracts and drives a very powerful car would you?

OP posts:
TreesWelliesKnees · 03/12/2023 19:03

Apologies, it was someone else who suggested taking keys.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 19:05

TreesWelliesKnees · 03/12/2023 19:03

Apologies, it was someone else who suggested taking keys.

Apology accepted ☺️ lots of people said take the keys... I've had it said to me several times in RL too.

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florizel13 · 03/12/2023 19:12

Maddy70 · 03/12/2023 15:04

Do you think you're projecting? Maybe he isn't that bad.
He has been assessed and they judge him fit to drive so maybe he is?

Imagine his life without his independence shopping, visiting friends etc. Life would be very different for him without it

My 86 year old dad accepted he should no longer drive and sold his car to a friend. But when she picked up the car he spent the day in bed, in tears. It must be devastating to realise you are at a stage in life when you can no longer do the things you used to take for granted, that the best part of your life is over Sad

TreesWelliesKnees · 03/12/2023 19:13

I have ageing parents and I can see how much it matters to them to stay in control for as long as possible (or believe they are at least). I know I'll be the same - stubborn as hell. There's risk, but I believe it's theirs to take. There's risk for anyone who gets in a car or crosses a road. There's risk at the other end of the age spectrum, with 17 year old drivers, but we let the DVLA judge their capability and then we let them go in their jazzed up Fiestas.

gotomomo · 03/12/2023 19:13

I'd take him to a mobility shop and show him the cool (well as cool as it can get with a mobility device!) trike scooters, there's a guy near us who has mounted a powerful sound system on his and plays reggae all over town!

NorthCliffs · 03/12/2023 19:14

This thread is scary Shock

Knitgoodwoman · 03/12/2023 19:15

I’d take the keys away.

There was an elderly man who killed a toddler at a zebra crossing in my town.
This ‘taking away independence’ is bollocks when it’s actually often cheaper to just have a pre pay account with a taxi firm, vs car payments, insurance, mot, petrol.
And frankly I’d rather take away independence than them kill someone.

MintJulia · 03/12/2023 19:16

If I was your parent, and you took it upon yourself to interfere, when the DVLA had passed me as fit only four weeks earlier, I'd think seriously about going NC. They will have tested his eyesight and his cognitive ability.

Reporting him to the DVLA as a genuine concern is one thing but not having the guts to admit it was you, and suggesting it was someone else is pretty spineless. No wonder you don't have a good relationship !!

In what way is it your business, when professionals who are paid to make these decisions have said he's ok?

SabrinaThwaite · 03/12/2023 19:25

NorthCliffs · 03/12/2023 19:14

This thread is scary Shock

Being the child of an aged parent who won’t admit that they are no longer safe or competent to drive is scary.

I dread there being an accident because I know I’ll feel at least partially responsible.

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 19:26

I remember a number of years ago an old man ploughed in to some people outside a hospital in Manchester. Killed both of them. A young woman and her mother if I remember correctly. He pressed the wrong pedal by mistake because he wasn’t fit to drive.
I bet the families of those women wished the old man’s family had been brave enough to suffer his anger by taking his keys or selling his car behind his back.

It’s everyone’s responsibility to ensure people are safe to be on the roads. If I thought my parents weren’t I would take their cars in the dead of night if I had to. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if they killed someone and I could have done something to prevent that

Chouxpastryishard · 03/12/2023 19:35

Choux · 03/12/2023 18:33

Winter is a good time to try to get them to accept more help.

It's below zero mum. Why don't I order you an online shop so you don't have to go out this week?

It might be icy mum. Why don't I pick you up on my way to the supermarket and we can have a coffee and then do our shopping together?

Show quote history

I’ve offered to do an online shop umpteen times. She doesn’t want it. I find her very difficult so would not want to go shopping with her. She’s mentioned a trolley on wheels but would have to push it up a hill.

Petrine · 03/12/2023 19:37

@Catchupwiththeneighbours

So you live a couple of hours away from your father and aren’t close yet you say he’s had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass and hit a kerb. How do you know this? It doesn’t sound likely that your father would have discussed such relatively minor issues with you. He didn’t cause an accident so I don’t see why you’re so adamant about stopping him driving.

Leave your father alone to make his own decisions.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 19:43

Petrine · 03/12/2023 19:37

@Catchupwiththeneighbours

So you live a couple of hours away from your father and aren’t close yet you say he’s had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass and hit a kerb. How do you know this? It doesn’t sound likely that your father would have discussed such relatively minor issues with you. He didn’t cause an accident so I don’t see why you’re so adamant about stopping him driving.

Leave your father alone to make his own decisions.

He told me himself 🤷 we're not close at all but my life is very enmeshed with his, that's his choosing more than mine. He tells us pretty much everything that goes through his head, it's quite exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 19:44

MintJulia · 03/12/2023 19:16

If I was your parent, and you took it upon yourself to interfere, when the DVLA had passed me as fit only four weeks earlier, I'd think seriously about going NC. They will have tested his eyesight and his cognitive ability.

Reporting him to the DVLA as a genuine concern is one thing but not having the guts to admit it was you, and suggesting it was someone else is pretty spineless. No wonder you don't have a good relationship !!

In what way is it your business, when professionals who are paid to make these decisions have said he's ok?

Edited

I wish he would go NC, make my life a lot easier.

Seriously, read all the other posts saying how useless the DVLA are

OP posts:
TreesWelliesKnees · 03/12/2023 19:50

I think it's a question of who holds responsibility. Yes, it would be tragic if an elderly person killed someone, but it's not their adult child's fault, because it was never their responsibility to stop it happening in the first place. It's the driver's responsibility, and also that of the other road users andvthe DVLA. So it's perfectly OK for the adult child to let go of that feeling of responsibility - it doesn't actually belong to them in reality - it's just a feeling.

Petrine · 03/12/2023 19:53

I’ve been driving for 51 years and never had an accident.

Frankly some of the worst driving I have ever seen has been with young people at the wheel.

This year I had a young woman driving on completely the wrong side of the road heading straight for me - her passenger grabbed the wheel and pulled her over the the correct side only just avoiding crashing into me. It was a relatively slow road 40mph.

By far the worst was last month when a girl pulled across 2 lanes of a fast dual carriageway from a side road. If I had been 5 seconds earlier I would have slammed straight into the side of her vehicle at 70mph. I overtook her further up the road and my passenger could clearly see she was a young driver.

A lot depends on the fitness to drive. As we age our faculties dimish but in the case of some people their ability to drive is questionable even when young.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 19:54

TreesWelliesKnees · 03/12/2023 19:50

I think it's a question of who holds responsibility. Yes, it would be tragic if an elderly person killed someone, but it's not their adult child's fault, because it was never their responsibility to stop it happening in the first place. It's the driver's responsibility, and also that of the other road users andvthe DVLA. So it's perfectly OK for the adult child to let go of that feeling of responsibility - it doesn't actually belong to them in reality - it's just a feeling.

Thank you, I think that's very true and probably will take this line of thinking

OP posts: