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Elderly parents
Original poster

How to stop elderly parent from driving!

204 replies

Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 12:27

Just after a bit of advice please.

Parent is 90 and I really feel he shouldn't be driving anymore especially as his car is a very powerful model and he over estimates his capability.

Earlier in the year I reported him to the DVLA and felt awful but that I had done the right thing and lo and behold they passed him fit to drive!!

He is being fairly sensible in that he won't drive in the dark or rain but still goes on the motorway occasionally, to the supermarket, church, health appointments etc.

We were at a funeral recently and all his friends expressed great concern that he was still driving as have various health professionals. Does anyone have any advice please? We have a pretty ropey relationship tbh, many big fallings out over the years and he does not take kindly to any help or interference but I just cannot help think that he's going to cause a dreadful accident if he carries on like this. He's had a couple of near misses, driven over the grass, hit a kerb, that kind of thing. So hard as it will remove his independence and I don't live particularly near to him but don't feel we can allow this to continue.

TIA

OP posts:
Choux · 03/12/2023 12:41

If something has changed in his health or driving ability since you last reported him then report him again.

At 90 health, spatial awareness and judgement can decline quite rapidly. They may not pronounce him fit to drive now.

DustyLee123 · 03/12/2023 12:43

Report again, and put in that health professionals are mentioning their concern.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 12:57

He is only took the test a month or so ago, I wouldn't particularly say he's deteriorated since then but was just stunned that they passed him. He can barely turn his neck, see over the steering wheel or anything like that. I put the reason as cataracts, I'm honestly stunned that they let him continue. You could knock him over with a feather, where would he have the strength or reactions to deal with an emergency situation I've no idea.

OP posts:
KnittedCardi · 03/12/2023 12:59

A member of our family is 92, has no vision in one eye, and hasn't had for many years, she is always having accidents, the most recent one she completely destroyed a central reservation. We can't get her excluded from driving, she has just bought herself a new car with the insurance payout. I am not sure how bad you need to get but...... it would seem there are no limits.

Step Dad we stopped driving by taking away his keys, when he kept getting lost and not knowing where he was. He still insisted he was fine, we had to be cruel to be kind. We used the funds from selling the car, no longer having to insure it, or fix the many dents, or put petrol in it, to pay for taxis.

Rocknrollstar · 03/12/2023 12:59

my BiL simply confiscated his father’s car and the keys. He did the same with the ladder when he found him trying to clean out the gutters at the age of 82. We have told our DD that she has permission to tell us when we should stop driving.

KnittedCardi · 03/12/2023 13:01

Addendum to add - he was driving a 16 valve Alfa Romeo!!

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 13:09

KnittedCardi · 03/12/2023 12:59

A member of our family is 92, has no vision in one eye, and hasn't had for many years, she is always having accidents, the most recent one she completely destroyed a central reservation. We can't get her excluded from driving, she has just bought herself a new car with the insurance payout. I am not sure how bad you need to get but...... it would seem there are no limits.

Step Dad we stopped driving by taking away his keys, when he kept getting lost and not knowing where he was. He still insisted he was fine, we had to be cruel to be kind. We used the funds from selling the car, no longer having to insure it, or fix the many dents, or put petrol in it, to pay for taxis.

Dear Lord, well that doesn't give me much hope that the DVLA will do anything more then, that's just awful 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 13:11

Rocknrollstar · 03/12/2023 12:59

my BiL simply confiscated his father’s car and the keys. He did the same with the ladder when he found him trying to clean out the gutters at the age of 82. We have told our DD that she has permission to tell us when we should stop driving.

He still goes up ladders at 90! I'm ok with that, it's his life and he has capacity. The massive difference is that he'll only hurt himself if he falls off a ladder but driving a powerful car is a whole other ball game.

He'd go completely nuts if we took his keys away, if I put sand in his carburetor he'd just pay to have it fixed 😣

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 13:13

Report again, noting that profs are expressing concern

Ring his GP, ask them to report it - that should sort it

However also sort him out a mobility scooter as being stuck at home is awful

NorthernSpirit · 03/12/2023 13:15

OP - this is so difficult and I feel your pain. You are trying to do the right thing, but sadly - some older people can be very stubborn and think they know better.

My own mother (now 80) has always been a terrible driver. Absolutely no awareness of what is around her. Her eye site is now very bad.

The last time I got in a car with her (3 years ago) she stopped in the middle of a (very busy) 60 mph dual carriage way to reverse as she had missed a right hand turn (there was a roundabout ahead but she decided she would reverse instead). It was absolute mayhem with cars being forced to stop at high speed. She wouldn’t listen that it has dangerous to her or other drivers. I was absolutely terrified. That was the last time I got in a car with her and I now refuse to.

If they won’t listen you have to protect yourself. Remember you can’t control others but you can control how you behave m.

floofbag · 03/12/2023 13:17

I sent back my mums driving licence and sold her car !
She was diagnosed with dementia and the dvla said they
Can still drive with that diagnosis unbelievably so I took it into my own hands ..

She went mad but I couldn't be responsible for her killing someone .

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 13:18

Speak to the GP. Get GPs support. Take keys. Deal with fallout with GP

Lavender14 · 03/12/2023 13:18

Have you spoken directly to him and told him that you care very much about him and you understand and respect that he's still happy to take certain risks in life like going up ladders etc, but has he thought about the impact on other people if he did have a bad accident or took unwell at the wheel? Do you have any other siblings who could back you up? Or is it maybe a case of speaking to the health professionals you mentioned and asking if they could make a report to dvla as well and speak to him directly about why they're doing it?

I would have a back up in place to try and mitigate that loss of independence. For example would you agree to bringing him into town for his shopping once a week, or bringing him to church or checking out if there is a local community transport initiative in his area that he could avail of? Just so you can also give him a clear picture of how he could still get out and about without his car.

thesandwich · 03/12/2023 13:19

Could you have a word with the local police and tell them your concern? One visited mil after she’d forgotten how to pay for fuel…..

Choux · 03/12/2023 13:23

Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 12:57

He is only took the test a month or so ago, I wouldn't particularly say he's deteriorated since then but was just stunned that they passed him. He can barely turn his neck, see over the steering wheel or anything like that. I put the reason as cataracts, I'm honestly stunned that they let him continue. You could knock him over with a feather, where would he have the strength or reactions to deal with an emergency situation I've no idea.

Can you only give one reason when you report? Did they get him to actually drive a car or did they just check his vision because you said cataracts?

I would report him again due to frailty and reduced range of motion for his head. Presumably his heart is fine and there are no signs of dementia or other conditions which must be reported to DVLA?

If he has signs of dementia you should speak to his GP. When my dad had his memory clinic test for dementia they told him that he did badly on the spatial awareness elements and must not drive. Fortunately he had already stopped driving as I had refused to help him renew his driving licence when it expired six months earlier as I was scared to get in the car with him and did not think he should be driving.

LylaLee · 03/12/2023 13:28

Take the keys

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 14:02

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 13:13

Report again, noting that profs are expressing concern

Ring his GP, ask them to report it - that should sort it

However also sort him out a mobility scooter as being stuck at home is awful

Funnily enough he looked into mobility scooters when he was awaiting the DVLA test, he really thought he'd have to give up driving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 14:04

NorthernSpirit · 03/12/2023 13:15

OP - this is so difficult and I feel your pain. You are trying to do the right thing, but sadly - some older people can be very stubborn and think they know better.

My own mother (now 80) has always been a terrible driver. Absolutely no awareness of what is around her. Her eye site is now very bad.

The last time I got in a car with her (3 years ago) she stopped in the middle of a (very busy) 60 mph dual carriage way to reverse as she had missed a right hand turn (there was a roundabout ahead but she decided she would reverse instead). It was absolute mayhem with cars being forced to stop at high speed. She wouldn’t listen that it has dangerous to her or other drivers. I was absolutely terrified. That was the last time I got in a car with her and I now refuse to.

If they won’t listen you have to protect yourself. Remember you can’t control others but you can control how you behave m.

That's absolutely dreadful, how terrifying for you! I haven't got in a car with him for decades as he's always been a fast and furious driver and I won't allow my DC's to be driven by him, that's not gone down well at all...

OP posts:
greenacrylicpaint · 03/12/2023 14:05

we took away the car & keys

but we put things in place to keep their independence.
meals on wheels
supermarket delivery
contract with local taxi firm (a bit like payg with a monthly bill) so they could easily get to the social club or dr appointments.

DragonFly98 · 03/12/2023 14:09

Honestly the DVLA have assessed him so you need to mind your own business unless their is a significant change. Taking his independence away with have a really negative impact on him. He sounds a far safer driver than many young men.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 14:10

Lavender14 · 03/12/2023 13:18

Have you spoken directly to him and told him that you care very much about him and you understand and respect that he's still happy to take certain risks in life like going up ladders etc, but has he thought about the impact on other people if he did have a bad accident or took unwell at the wheel? Do you have any other siblings who could back you up? Or is it maybe a case of speaking to the health professionals you mentioned and asking if they could make a report to dvla as well and speak to him directly about why they're doing it?

I would have a back up in place to try and mitigate that loss of independence. For example would you agree to bringing him into town for his shopping once a week, or bringing him to church or checking out if there is a local community transport initiative in his area that he could avail of? Just so you can also give him a clear picture of how he could still get out and about without his car.

Unfortunately we have a pretty dreadful relationship for the most part. He would just go mad at us (I have a sibling and we are in complete agreement over everything to do with him thankfully).

When I reported him before he was determined to find out who had done the reporting and I suggested that the memory clinic team or GP could easily have been the ones to bring it to the DVLA's attention. If he knew it was me you'd hear the explosion of rage from outer space.

We've suggested a local taxi firm which he has used once for a hospital appointment but he was just outraged with the cost (he can afford it). The local community group take all the seniors shopping on a Monday morning but he just scoffs, it's a nightmare. He's alone and could so do with the social if nothing else!

I think contacting the memory team would be an excellent idea to try and include something in their report, they assessed him only last week. He would always listen to authority but never his own family.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 03/12/2023 14:12

I visit a lot of elderly people to complete disability forms. It's scary how many are still driving ! Partially sighted, Parkinson's disease where they are prone to suddenly stiffening up, riddled with arthiritis and can't move freely. They justify it by saying they only drive locally ! They always tell me DVLA are aware.

Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 14:13

DragonFly98 · 03/12/2023 14:09

Honestly the DVLA have assessed him so you need to mind your own business unless their is a significant change. Taking his independence away with have a really negative impact on him. He sounds a far safer driver than many young men.

Have you read the other comments up thread about elderly parents crashing into central reservations and still being allowed by the DVLA to carry on driving? Not sure they're a great decider. Would you be happy driving knowing there are people like that allowed to do so because it would upset them not to? Comparing them to young men driving is just othering. Anyhow, I drive him to lots of things now as it is so it's not as though he'd be stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchupwiththeneighbours · 03/12/2023 14:14

Babyroobs · 03/12/2023 14:12

I visit a lot of elderly people to complete disability forms. It's scary how many are still driving ! Partially sighted, Parkinson's disease where they are prone to suddenly stiffening up, riddled with arthiritis and can't move freely. They justify it by saying they only drive locally ! They always tell me DVLA are aware.

omg, it's just awful

OP posts:
TerfTalking · 03/12/2023 14:18

When my dad started getting bad mum gave the GP the nod before an appointment for something else (probably dementia related) the GP very tactfully suggested that it may be time to hang up his keys. After coming to a junction not long after, very close to home, he simply couldn’t remember where he was. Mum guided him home and he agreed not to drive again. She used to let him put the car in and out of the garage from the drive only which seemed to appease him.

you have my sympathy. Mum gave up when she clipped a parked car and knocked the wing mirror off and I had to go and see the owners for her. I was not impressed but she accepted her eyesight wasn’t good enough to drive anymore.