🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh no, you poor thing

I tried to tell the EA I was pulling out if I didn't get solid news before 4pm but he's in a meeting.

I'm weeping, drinking and smoking. Why is this so hard.

if I'm going to hate where I live either way, it makes more sense to stay in the bigger one I think....

Sorry I know this isn't really an Elderly Parent topic but there's too much backstory to explain on the property board.

okay, it's done

I'm going home.

@EmmaEmerald hope this brings you some peace.🌺

Thank you thesandwich

The decision is made now Emma, hope this brings some clarity and lets you move on.

@EmmaEmerald now be kind to yourself.

Hi I'm not sure this is the right place to comment but my mother has been caught by police driving without an MOT. Didn't know it expired and when asked can't remember when it's due. I need to look up online.
So much else I could say, always had a difficult relationship with her. Of course I'm always the one she phones up, other siblings not interested. She has always been unorganised with stuff, house is a mess but she has refused to clear stuff out so I've given up.

funnelfan and Mum5net

Thank you. I think when I get back the first thing I'll do is write "be kind to yourself" on the wall I used for work plans etc.

Interestingly, mum's doctor groaned when I said I'd moved.

I probably won't be on here much as I don't know when I'll switch my internet package so I'll be running on mobile data. I thank funnel for posting the Bill of Rights and I hope we'll all take it on board.

Look after yourselves please....I think we all expected a marathon but not one that continued for several years.

I don't blame mum for me moving, I left a rough area but a well managed block of flats with more square footage is a better place to be while I knit myself back together.

Good luck @EmmaEmerald
The fact you called it “home” says it all really.

@EmmaEmerald I'm glad things are working out for you - long may it stay that way.

I just shouted at my DM. I took her to the diabetic clinic. Had to park a long way away - all the blue badge spaces taken. So, so physically difficult to get her in and out of the car. Pushed her in her wheelchair over bumpy pavements, sloping pavements where the chair veered off course, squeezed past van parked on pavement. Then the whole journey back again after clinic to the struggle of getting her into the car. I was on my knees. I really don't think I can do that again.

Took her to Macdonalds because she was hungry and didn't want to go home yet. Then clothes shopping because that's what she wanted. I don't know how I managed; that sounds so feeble, but I was exhausted. But I wanted her to have a nice afternoon.

Back at my sisters (where DM lives) she asked me to take her coat off and help her upstairs because she was too tired. My BiL told me to go sit down, he'd do it. She shouted at him and told him she wanted me to do it. So I shouted at her. Now I feel so bad. Its like whatever I do is never enough. I'm so tired now that even breathing is hard work. I'd quite like to cry but am just too tired.

That sounds totally unreasonable @MissMarplesNiece
Do you think it’s some kind of role reversal Parent is now the Child wanting to be mothered again thing? Which is why she doesn’t want your BIL to step in?
Completely selfish obviously. But I do wonder if there is a late in life kind of reversion to toddlerhood.
Do you think you could possibly remind her of her mother?
You can’t do it all though. I’m not surprised you snapped after all that!

@MotherOfCatBoy I think there maybe some truth in what you say because when my BiL said he'd help her off with her jacket DM said she wanted "mom" to do it.

My DM doesn't have dementia, some cognitive decline I think, that gets worse when she's tired like she is tonight.

I try very hard to be kind. My DSis said old people's worlds get very small, very concentrated on themselves, I try to remember that but I'm just so tired tonight. Too tired to even bend down and take my shoes off.

MissMarple I really worry about you, not least because I don't want you to end up like me. What you are doing is extraordinary but you are not Wonder Woman, no offence!

I have now been forwarded an email from the buyer's solicitor, timed at 10pm, with a suggested exchange date. Fucking arseholes.

ThisisPlanetEarth (ba ba ba, be ba ba ba ba)

I don't blame you for giving up. Should she be driving? Will the authorities be able to stop her now, if she ought not to be on the road?

@MissMarplesNiece it does seem like our respective mothers are channeling their inner toddler at the moment. Forgive yourself for shouting, you’re only human. And your kindness needs to start with yourself. I knew exactly what you mean when something that sounds simple like taking her to an appointment is so exhausting. There’s just an assumption from mum now that I’ll sort everything, and it’s not a big deal. I’ve not taken her for her Covid and flu jabs because I can’t face the wrangling, it feels overwhelming just trying to make an appointment and sort the time from work. She doesn’t leave the bed let alone the house, so hopefully low risk.

@EmmaEmerald will your reply to the other solicitor end in “off”? On a serious note, I hope the move home goes well and low connectivity may help, because the less time you’re on here the less time you’re thinking about your mum’s situation.

Thanks for replying, that made me laugh! The right number of "ba's"!!

I have thought that, she only drives locally, she's late 70s. There's no dementia or anything (hopefully), it's more the disorganisation ie forgetting to renew insurances etc.

She's always been like this although getting worse.
She would be lost without her car although it may happen.
Just put me in a bad mood again which happens a lot, so much else could say. Not fair on my DH and DCs.
Anyway, thanks for listening!. I read the Bill of rights and agree, hard to put it into practice at times though. I've tried to take a step back but always seem to get drawn into things.
Take care of yourselves everyone!

@funnelfan I've not taken my mum for her winter jabs yet either. Like you, it's the thought of the struggle getting there and back. Her GP surgery is particularly difficult. It's at the top of a short but steep hill and since the carpark is tiny, I invariably have to park 100m away and push DM up the hill. "What's 100m?", I hear Usain Bolt cry. Well when you're young and fit, Usain, it's nothing, but when you're a 63 year old disabled woman pushing a wheelchair, it's a bloody long way.

I bet Usain Bolt would tell you to take a step back

probably literally, as he'd push your mum up the hill too.

ThisisPlanetEarth sorry, everything's an earworm in my world 😂

I know all areas are different but my Mum's carer got the local nurse to come to her house to give her the flu and Covid jabs. She phoned the surgery and she was put on a list to be done at home. Good luck and a to all.

Have you got a blue badge for her? Worth trying. Or ring GP and say you cannot push from car park and if you stop briefly at door can someone take delivery?

@EmmaEmerald Come on when you can, and let us know how you’re getting on.

I need a bit of a vent ladies. Sorry for length.
Dad has really had enough of everything now after having cared for Mum since December 2020. He often moans he can't cope with this much longer, she'll have to go into a nursing home "next year" etc etc, all fine and totally understandable.
last night Dd had to stay at their house as we were both on night so I was there to take her to school. He had a massive hissy fit about how his hip was in agony, he can't deal with mum any longer and how none of us know how difficult his life is blah blah blah.
again, understandable but HE WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO MAKE HIS LIFE EASIER.
they have careers in the morning to get her out of bed and dressed. Except he insists on getting her up on of bed on the Sara steady and into her wheelchair. He then pushes her into the bathroom for the carer and back out of it when are done. He will not countenance leaving her in bed. Just absolute refusal because "they don't have time to get her out of bed" which is utter bollocks. Whenever I am there they are sitting down for at least 10 minutes of the call chatting. Also " she won't be left in bed". She's paralysed and can't speak so doesn't really get much choice. But she wants to get up so dad will not say no to anything. I have pointed out that if he makes himself so Ill he can't looks after her a nursing home won't be dancing around her every whim.

likewise the carers put her in her nightie but as mum doesn't want to go to bed when they come then they leave her in the sitting room and dad puts her to bed - using the Sara steady. Putting her in bed at 8.30 is not an option apparently. She "won't" go to bed til 10

she is catheterised and drinks loads of water as she has heart failure and kidney problems. Dad empties the bag constantly into a small yoghurt pot. And then goes to the loo with it - sometimes every half hour. I've suggested using a bigger receptacle. Or plugging it into the night bag so it can be emptied just once in the morning. He won't do that because she wouldn't like it.

he won't book any respite care whatsoever because he "can't afford it". He has around £400k in the bank.

he wakes up at 5am and gets up. For no reason whatsoever. then moans he had to get up at 5 every day. He could just go back to sleep.

I can't help him any more, I used to feel guilty about not doing more (I work 10 day shift pattern, I go in for an hour on my earlies, at least an hour on my late, maybe on my nights during the evening on my way to work plus one full day per week which I have to fit round my shifts. And they usually come here on one at least of my rest days. So out of a month there are probably 8 days I don t go in - and those are when I'm on nights. They live 20 miles away, fortunately on my way to work.
But this refusal to make even the simplest of changes that would make his life easier, well I had a bit of an epiphany today. He won't help himself so I just can't sacrifice even more of my family time to do more for him when he stubbornly will not meet me halfway with any suggestion I make

My father was disabled before he passed away, happened gradually due to a neurological condition.
My mother was his main carer despite them having a 'bad" marriage, constant arguing, hostility etc. I used to get this all the time from my mother, moaning about things but when I offered a solution offered to phone someone tomorrow things, she wouldn't let me. He ended up in a nursing home which she didn't want, wanted a specific place that wouldn't take him.
Was obsessed about "what other people would think". She ended up with serious health issues at one point although she had treatment which helped.
With hindsight I think a lot of it is about control. My mother wanted to have complete control over everything. I was like you, going over there most days, turning down more work so I could jbe there.
Think it really affected my mental health and I said I wasn't doing it again, as I was doing most out of their children. Wasn't fair on my family either.
I had said on my previous post I have taken a bit of a step back but I'm always the first one she phones as I'm the one most available, 2 siblings do nothing. I help usually most weeks with cleaning etc when I can but it's better when she's out the house as she gets in the way!
There's always guilt but she makes me anxious.
Is your mother being well cared for, do you think? If she is, I would maybe think about not visiting as often although it's hard I know. I've had years of it, also had it with my in laws before they passed away.

Yes he is doing a fantastic job but just can't acknowledge that sometimes it is better for him to sacrifice what she would prefer for what is easier for him.

there's no answer, I try not to give suggestions any more because they are just ignored and a lot of the time he just wants to let off steam, but he's making himself I'll when he could make his life much easier with just some simple changes