🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Yes a lot of it is letting off steam but it causes stress to the ones who have to listen to it.
There is no answer but as you say he could make his life easier ie leaving her in bed for the carers to get her up. My mother was the same, always hovering about and doing things before the carers came then constantly moaning about stuff. There were a couple of great carers, a few not so good.
If you know she is safe and well cared for, could you take a bit of a step back.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I see my FIL has been reincarnated! We realised that a lot of what he was insisting was what MIL wanted was actually what he wanted. MIL was paralysed and couldn't talk so she couldn't contradict him. MIL could be difficult and heaven help anyone who put her drink the wrong side of her plate at mealtimes or who put sufficient paper napkins out instead of a pile but he needed to be in control. We gave up trying to take him out for a break because he would be fretting and on the phone to whoever wax sitting with MIL every 10 minutes.

Depends on what the demand is and the timing. And what the person who will "suffer" has done about it.

It's one thing if the elderly person you're with has fallen, outside in the winter and you need to wait for an ambulance.

It's another if you're several hours away and they've refused to put in place sensible suggestions that would remove the need for most of the demands.

I managed to get the practice nurse to come out and do DMs. A miracle but I laid it on thick to them. Is this worth a try?

That was supposed to be a reply about winter jabs.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew i have sympathy with the frustration of your dad having his life consumed by this - mum similarly had her life constrained after dad had strokes. I can go with the idea that it’s about control, and just general frustration about the whole situation and maybe a touch of “who is looking after ME?”. In hindsight, mums cognitive decline was also starting about then, which is probably what hindered her ability to think round a problem and come up with a solution. Her comfort was in the routine and the familiar, even if it was making her life harder. She couldn’t cope with new ideas, new gadgets, new ways of doing things. I also got “your dad wants it like this”. (Dad still had most of his faculties to the end and was perfectly capable of making his feelings known but went along with things for a quiet life).

I’ve tried her GP surgery and they said they aren’t offering it, but I could try again maybe. The complexities for me is that any vaccination causes mums temperature to rise for 24-48 hours while her immune system kicks in. A raised temperature, even a slight one, makes her so much worse, so I would have to plan to stay over. She’d need more care than the carers would be able to give. It’s never simple.

i has a call this morning from a social worker. Apparently mum should have had a six week follow up visit when she was discharged from hospital the first week of January, to check the assigned care regime was working for her. The poor woman I spoke to has been handed a wodge of files of people who had slipped through the net and she is trying to fit them in in her evenings. So another weekday trip over next week, but the timing is actually quite useful. I think mum is very close to the point that residential care would be a better solution all round. Having an independent assessment from someone new will be very helpful to me, so preparing a list of questions for them now!

Sorry to hear of all the other elderly relatives making unwise decisions that make other people's lives harder.

MIL is out of hospital, but now DH and DD have the lurgy so can't go and see her. (DD off school today and feeling very sorry for herself.) She made the choice years ago to live in a village with no public transport to speak of (one bus, once a week), in spite of encouragement to live somewhere on the railway line, and we just can't get there very regularly. As DH gets older I worry about him doing a 4-hour round trip in a day, but between work and weekend commitments it's hard for us to do the trip together often.

I absolutely vowed when MIL first got frail that we wouldn't spend DD's childhood stopping her doing things because of MIL's needs, and I'm very thankful I did because it's five years and counting - DD is 13 now. I'm not so much a Bad Daughter as a Terrible DIL. My own mother is OK for now, but I can see that just as MIL shuffles off this mortal coil DM's needs will increase.

Best of luck with the social worker, funnelfan.

MIL could be difficult and heaven help anyone who put her drink the wrong side of her plate at mealtimes or who put sufficient paper napkins out instead of a pile but he needed to be in control. If you've lost control over where you live, what time you get up and go to bed, what you wear, what you eat, when you eat, you want to keep what last bit of control you have. Perfectly normal.

I try not to give suggestions any more because they are just ignored and a lot of the time he just wants to let off steam Yeah, sometimes what is needed is sympathy/acknowledgement, not a solution. "That must be difficult for you" "You do so much for her, you're a marvel" and similar phrases on autopilot can be stress reducing all round.

Just found this thread and would be nice to join...

My context... Dm is 84 and moved into a care home almost a year ago. Prior to that she had multiple carer visits per day, but then started to leave the house in the night so after a very stressful period we decided the time had come for a care home (she has alzheimers).

Dm is absolutely lovely, and actually pretty content, but what's stressing me at the moment is having to sell the family home to fund her care. It's where I was born, and hasn't really been looked after or sorted beyond the bare minimum for 20 ish years (df was ill for 10 years, cared for by dm, then as soon as he died she sadly started to deteriorate). It's heartbreaking trying to sort all their things - like throwing their lives away - but we have a large 4 bed house, garage and attic to clear. Like wading through mud. I wouldn't believe how many trips to the tip/ charity shop we've done, but barely made a dent. I want to hang onto everything!

I'm fortunate that dm is close by, in good physical health, and pretty content at present, but all my spare time when not working/ looking after young dc/ my own chores is spent on her house and I feel I never have much time to see her. Like others have said, I'm desperate to get her some fresh air but time issues, the constant rain, and her becoming increasingly unsteady due to lack of exercise are making it tricky.

Very grateful for her being so lovely, particularly after reading what some are struggling with here. But I feel I've had an ailing parent for 20 years now and it's heartbreaking.

@Diamondshmiamond I think there are many on this thread who understand how difficult it is to clear out an elderly relatives house. I still get upset thinking about it now.

@Diamondshmiamond welcome- sorry you’ve got to join us. You’ve got the
double whammy with care and house clearance- while your dm is still alive. Is renting storage an option? Anything you can outsource?

Welcome @Diamondshmiamond, it shocking how much of our lives is taken up by elder care and the role swap with you taking on the parental caring role. I’m dreading clearing the family home too, my parents moved in as newly weds. While mum is still there I try and tackle one shelf or drawer per visit to nibble away at the task. I’ve been doing the kitchen and thrown away loads of packets and tins of food 5+ years out of date. some old herbs and spices dating back to the 1970s, they had no aroma left at all.

One tip I read was to take photographs of items that have memories but realistically you can’t keep. For example, I found a single, chipped, bowl remaining from the dinner set we had when I was a child and the pattern took me right back. Picture taken, bowl thrown away. DH and I live in a small house with very little space for more “stuff” so things I’m planning on keeping are irreplaceable items like photographs and letters and jewellery and small sentimental items like an old penknife belonging to dad. I’ll find space for those. mum’s not bothered and tells me to take what I want, I’m far more sentimental than her. Dad built me a bookcase when I was a child but it’s low and long and will only fit in my old bedroom. That will be hard to let go, he was a carpenter and I don’t have anything smaller he made for me.

Thanks for the welcome. Funnelfan- having something your dad made is so personal. Could you cut it smaller so it could fit somewhere? So hard to let go of!

Photos are a good idea - I found my grandmas old house coat, which rhe moths had got to, so just took a photo and binned it. Tbh I'm relieved when I find a box I can just tip in some ways!

We will rent some storage for some antique furniture and paintings my dm did, and put off sorting those til later. A friend of my mum's gVe me copies of lots of letters my mum wrote to her in the late 60s/ early 70s. It's lots of stuff about finding the house, hoping they could buy it, choosing all the decor, my df doing renovations. So sad to get all that info now when we're selling the house and my dm can't remember anything.

Best wishes to everyone on this thread - I agree it's not a place you ever envisage getting to

On a lighter note, my mum has quite perked up this week as a new man has moved into the home - very dapper and gentlemanly. My mum beams whenever he's around and has said she fancies him. It's blatantly obvious too. Poor man has only just lost his wife- hence coming into the home now she isn't there to help him - and now has dm constantly smiling and waving! Very glad it's perked her up though.

No cockroaches yet, but the home did have some lambs wearing nappies in spring that raised an eyebrow!

@MereDintofPandiculation I understand why MIL could be difficult but FIL would often sabotage efforts to help him by saying MIL wouldn't like it or by insisting he was the only one who could look after her. Usually just before he had a massive rant toMILs sister about how nobody helped him or gave him a break.

Home’s version “your dad loved it when we had the sheep to visit. It walked into his room and he stroked it”. Dad’s version “one of the helpers brought her pet sheep into work and insisted I stroke it”

@Diamondshmiamond it is incredibly hard. DH had to clear his parent’s house after his Dad died, and his Mum had to go into a care home as she has early dementia and unfortunately alcoholism (she was drinking herself to a stupor and falling and had to be medically dried out in hospital).
It took him nearly a year all told and many many skip loads. It didn’t help that it’s a 2 hr motorway journey away so he would go down for weekends and blitz it. We have some things of sentimtenal value (paintings, jewellery) but we had to get rid of a lot. We gave crockery etc to charity shops, I sold tons of stuff on EBay and transferred the proceeds to MIL’s account, and bizarrely we left stuff outside our front gate (our area is like that) and loads of it was gone in a flash - particularly kitchen utensils and bowls etc, I reckon someone stocked a whole kitchen that summer!
But it is mentally very hard, as you say it seems as if the whirlwind wind of time has blown through their life and your life with them. It is very sobering.
PILs never cleared anything in 40 years. It has taught us to declutter seriously as I don’t want to put DS through that.
MIL is now pretty happy in her care home.

Your dad clearly attended the same course on caring as mine

No cockroaches yet, but the home did have some lambs wearing nappies in spring that raised an eyebrow!

Alpaca at my dad's care home the other day. I wonder if they were house trained?

I like that the new manager posts photos of activities on their Facebook page. It means I can keep an eye on dad when I'm working away.

Lurking on here. The relatives I have POA for are all coping so far, for which I am v v V grateful.
However we have a friend - a little younger than us in fact - who had a massive disabling stroke last year. Single and no nearby family. So has carers coming in and we're part of "the village" of friends doing XYZ. We're retired.
I learned a lot from reading this board. But it's recently been born in upon me how tricky the catch-22 is of ... having to fill in forms which will benefit you when the reason you need that, is something which has screwed your ability to fill in forms.

She has capacity to decide (just about) but really doesn't have the mental stamina and memory to sort all this paperwork.

The stoic attitude, coupled with sane boundaries, advocated here has been SO helpful. I have said, "No, can't help with that," to some things, and have greeted with equanimity the many occasions when the appointment we were taking her to turned out not to exist. And when we collect her from the appointments which DID exist, and see the shellshocked look on the faces of the people who had to deal with her - we just laughed.

I am, of course, praying for merciful aneurysms all round (after long and healthy lives) for all the people I have POA for... especially as they all live 1-2 hour's drive away. In different directions...

@WhatHaveIFound they do the same at my mum's care home. It's so lovely to see her smile.

@Diamondshmiamond we bought our house from my parents. The loft is still full of their belongings. There are shelves and shelves of DF's books still in place. I can't bring myself to move them. I am not attached to much of DM's stuff - we never had the same tastes - and she was not sentimental about the past. She would however display anything that was given to her by friends. I will be very pleased to dispose of the 3D effect picture of the Last Supper!

@MysterOfwomanY the form filling is so true. I filled in the long and detailed form for MiL disabled parking badge for family to use, it stated ‘do not contact doctors’ so I took all info from discharge letters etc. MiL hadn’t walked since fall and physio didn’t work because of dementia. 4 weeks after I sent the application someone rang me to say she may not get the badge. They told me to get a doctors letter, but I said your instructions make it clear not to bother a doctor! I was so stressed with all that was going on, poor Carers, infections and another fall I started to cry …. I said I don’t have time for this and don’t understand why my mother who can walk but slowly, and has no health issues, had a badge but my mil who can’t walk, has hearing loss, a heart condition and dementia can’t have one. 2 weeks later a badge arrived but MiL was by then too frail for us to easily take her out anywhere. Ironically the places we needed it for most were the hospital and the dentist!

FIL got rid of his blue badge when he stopped driving. He didn't think about being taken for hospital appointments. So DH would drop him off at the front of the hospital. Go and park in the multi storey then have to find him after he'd wandered off. Add that to him insisting that as it only took 10 minutes to drive there they didn't need to leave more than 10 minutes before his appointment. No allowance for parking, for walking from the car park to the department or any traffic delays. He used to book the carer to sit with MiL to arrive with the minimum time and to finish as early as he might possibly arrive home assuming they weren't running late. He had a personal budget that covered 8 hours a week for a sitting service and rarely used it so the money was piling up in his account.
Many a time DH had to run from the car park to the appointment to tell them his dad was shuffling his way through the hospital. So many arguments were had But he was bloody stubborn that he couldn't leave MIL with a carer for a second more than absolutely necessary.

@countrygirl99 oh dear, logic seems to vanish and I think not wanting to have their children what to do perhaps 🤔. MiL was opposite, she wanted to get to appointments 20 mins early so without the badge I would drop her at the front entrance where she would sit on a bench and wait. One time after queueing for a free space, driving past many blue badge spaces, I met her and she shouted ‘did you break down? I have missed my appointment take me home’.

That was 6 months pre dementia diagnosis but I think anxiety about time was part of it…. This was the appointment where audiologist suggested she ‘download an app’ to show her how to change a battery in her new hearing aid🤣. The same hearing aid she only wore when DH put it in for her on visits that got lost at the nursing home.