🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Not sure if it’s this thread or another where it’s said if you were bleeding on the floor they’d worry about themselves - so I was very sick and sick last evening to the point I couldn’t stand up and had to lay in bed - this morning I tell her and she’s worried how she feels very sick, have I given her anything (she feels sick regularly with her illness) how she may manage and how no one came - carers did come. I defo feel awful for ignoring her by chance for a few hours but …. Gotta laugh …

Oh that sounds reallly hard. I agree with everyone else - please find a little bit of time for yourself in amongst all of this, even though it’s so much easier said than done.

And hope you’re feeling better this morning too 🤞

Hope you're feeling better @MsJinks

I went to see mum yesterday for her birthday. She had nothing to say at all and was very sleepy/blank. While we were there there was school choir singing carols. During "Joy to the World" I said to mum that I remember her saying this was Dad's favourite. Her eyes lit up and she sang every word along with the children. Then the shutters came down and she was switched off again but those couple of minutes while she sang were wonderful.

Yeah I’m ok - I found that the bread rolls I bought from a gluten free aisle under gluten free sign were not in fact gluten free - I’m coeliac so that is the cause and I am glad it’s not a bug. It has confused my ma as no one was around yesterday evening/night - carers did come but she’s very poorly this am - can’t be helped but you do feel bad about stuff like that.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere - that’s so lovely with your mum - and for your mum - lovely to read as well.

Having a cater shoot in my face because I hadn’t realised that I was supposed to sort and buy adult pads for example. That’s bad. Why did the home not simply buy some and charge you? Our home supplies pads, but every now and again I get an extra item on the bill for “toiletries”.

I’m a “coper”. It’s a valuable skill. All the power goes off and you’ve got the fire lit and a hot breakfast cooking. But it does come with tendency not to prioritise yourself, and can lead to depression. I heard a new interpretation of the Biblical stuff about “love your neighbour as yourself” - it doesn’t matter if it’s a valid interpretation, it just matters if it’s helpful - instead of concentrating on treating other people well, make sure you treat yourself as well as you would treat other people.

Not something that comes easily to mothers and daughters.

Hi @MereDintofPandiculation this was when she was at home for the 6 months after her fall. The hospital discharged her in a wheelchair, confused, unable to walk, thought she was going home to her old house and with Covid (but we were told she had capacity and this is what she wanted) she was in pads and the OT organised a commode but the Carers rarely made any effort to help her use it. And yes UTIs followed and since then prolapse bowel on three occasions that we know of, including one requiring hospital stay again. 🙁.

I didn’t know that there was an incontinence service that delivered to peoples homes, I assumed OT or SS would explain. The joke is after I bought some a new really lovely OT came on board and helped organise lots of useful things, including a delivery. We now have 4 unused boxes that the home say they can’t store and I have posted on Olio for free of course. Value around £70 and no one wants them, tried charities too - the charity that does take them is 150 miles away. 🤞 someone gets in touch. Such a waste.

just another example of lack of joined up thinking when vulnerable patients are discharge to a naive daughter in law!!!

@MissMarplesNiece I could also have written your post from yesterday including the childhood stuff. There are so many of us with such neglected upbringings, yet have been programmed to be the ones to dance to their tune. Those habits are so hard to even start to address, let alone break and I wonder if due to being the eldest, I was assigned the main role of putting my mother's needs before my own from a very early age and my sister got off much more lightly. My mother is slowing down but lives independently, no carers, but would like the full PA service from me if she could have it. I've managed to put some small boundaries in place regarding visits and the assignments she wants to give me but the guilt is very much still present. I am trying a new technique I read about recently where I try and 'sit and feel the guilt' (not difficult) and work on accepting it, I find this hard though.

@SierraSapphire that is interesting about the cancer personality and I'm ashamed to say until very recently, in my 3 year 'journey' with advanced cancer, I have put my belligerent mother and her needs before my own health. I have been on constant treatment and my mother has treated me throughout this time as though I am milking a cold. She is even more exasperated that I'm still going on about my appointments and really, I rarely mention it. The other day I was on my way to Tesco and I rang her from the car and mentioned the name of my CNS. She jolly well knows who I was talking about but pretended she didn't as she was irritated I was talking about myself and immediately diverted the conversation to herself. It's been a long time since I cried in a supermarket but I felt myself getting all weepy at the till over her comments, then I got cross with myself that she can still upset me.

@MsJinks sorry to hear you've been so unwell and hope the worst has passed off now.

@MereDintofPandiculation that's very interesting about the 'love your neighbour as yourself' and you're right, it presumes you treat yourself the best!

@Fantasea " I am trying a new technique I read about recently where I try and 'sit and feel the guilt' (not difficult) and work on accepting it" this is very much along the same lines as the Compassion Focused Therapy approach, I think. It's hard to do, isn't it, the accepting part, I mean.

@SierraSapphire My DM told my DSis a couple of weeks ago that she thought I was making it all up as a way to get attention and to not go visit her. I still haven't really processed that.

@Fantasea I often think of you and your 'new neighbour' and how that dynamic would play out. Sorry to hear she had you in tears. Hope you and your DD have a private Xmas and you can leave DM and DSis to their own devices.

Same dynamic here @Fantaseaabout being conditioned to meet my parents' needs in childhood. I have wondered whether my DM's inability to deal with my cancer stuff is a defence mechanism, she does block it out - changes the subject, or many times we've had "but cancer can be cured" or "can you go to America for treatment?" (bizarre) or "Well I might have cancer too". Whenever I repeat something to her, e.g. recurrent cancer is harder to treat than primary cancer, she just says "I didn't know that". Or she changes the subject as if I didn't speak. But yes, "milking a cold" is pretty much the attitude to me! Interesting the overlap between this thread and the cancer threads....

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Golden time. Those precious minutes when you get part of your DM 'back' briefly.

Or your DF. So many times wen I think "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that (item on the news)" then realise I will never know. A bit like grieving but he isn't dead.

I'm thinking of going in and listening to the Kings College 9 Lessons and Carols with him. Don't know whether he'll enjoy it - it was Mum I used to listen with (for listen, read, walk around the house belting them out a full volume).

I went to a 9 lessons and carols service the other day (think I was trying to recreate childhood). And realised that despite both parents coming from religious families and my going to a C&E school, I have never, ever been to a "normal" service. Ash Wednesday, Ascension Day, Carol services, Harvest Festival, Valedictory Service on leaving school, weddings, funerals, a Christening. But no ordinary Sunday Service.

I've sent out all his Christmas cards as usual, but he's not had many back - I don't whether that's the postal service or mass deaths among his correspondents.

The accepting the guilt is so hard. My interpretation of the technique I read about is that in getting used to 'feeling' the guilt you sort of acclimatise to it.

I should be shocked at your DM telling your DSis that you were making it all up for attention seeking and for an excuse not to visit her but my DM is in this league. On the evening after my major cancer surgery, mine whined to my DD on the phone that I had been 'flapping about the possibility of a stoma' the previous evening. How inconvenient for her. I had signed consent forms for a stoma as the surgeon suspected bowel involvement but luckily didn't need one in the end. I expect my DM saw that as another example of me making a huge fuss. I can understand how you haven't processed what your DM said, they truly are unreal.....

@Mum5net thank you for thinking of me. My new neighbour now doesn't like the house she described as 'perfect' and is constantly moaning about all the things wrong with it, which incidentally are all the things highlighted in the survey I insisted on her having, none of which she addressed before completing the sale 😆. I just make lots of 'oh dear' and 'how annoying' noises when she starts. DD made me laugh the other day by asking, 'what do you think her property purchase will be in 2024?'.

@SierraSapphire the overlap between the cancer thread and this one is interesting. I used to think my DM changed the subject and refuse to engage with my diagnosis as she found it too painful and upsetting to talk about but this isn't the reason at all. It's because she can't stand the attention being off her. I do find it odd that your DM says that you could go to America for treatment, how is that the answer and as for saying she might have cancer as well, that would just infuriate me with her insistence on deflecting. Mine never engages at all, never asks about my treatment, doesn't follow up any test or appointment I've had and does what yours does - just changes the subject as though I haven't spoken. I am somewhat used to it and think 'well, shame on you for treating your own daughter like that' and but at times like the other day, it upsets me badly. I think it was @MereDintofPandiculation who said that a helpful tactic is to observe them like they are a laboratory rat, noting their behaviour like a scientific study and I have to say, that has helped me a great deal!

@MereDintofPandiculation the 9 lessons and carols service sounds really nice. My lovely dad had dementia and so I lost him many years before he actually died and it's really hard.

Lots on this thread to catch up on- just wanted to say @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’m so glad you had those few rare precious moments.
So much of your experiences @SierraSapphire @MissMarplesNiece @Fantasea echo here….

Loving reading about the moments of clarity on this thread. You all describe it so movingly. Dementia is heartbreaking and strange.

A year ago I was posting on these threads while sitting a vigil at what I believed was my mum's deathbed. She recovered that time. Now we're back here again and the home have said very firmly that she is definitely dying. We still had to fend off the antibiotics that a locum GP prescribed for her, unbelievably (I might actually write to the GP practice about this - I am starting to lose track of how many best interests discussions I have fought my way through on this and how much documentation there is, and we're just lucky that they had good nurses on duty so they called us first - God help us all if it had been the weekend).

It's distressing to see her uncomfortable and chesty. I'm so afraid that she will recover. Please let her be free soon.

Oh @PermanentTemporary hope her passing is peaceful. Sending 🌺

Thinking of you @PermanentTemporary

Thinking of you @PermanentTemporary.

@PermanentTemporary 💐

I hope it’s a peaceful end,@PermanentTemporary .