🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@PermanentTemporary thinking of you Xxx

@PermanentTemporary

Thank you very much for all your kind posts.

She's recovered. Of course she has. I went in today and she was sitting out in a chair gazing at the telly. I had to go and have a little breakdown. Lucky I've been assessed unfit to work by my GP as if I wasn't before, I am now.

Had moments of deciding on a suicide plan and then got over myself. It was just an infection, and it will shorten her life, but it's not killing her at the moment. That's all.

Oh @PermanentTemporary we so get it here. Sending unmnetty hugs( if you’d like some) 🌺🌺

@PermanentTemporary thinking of you too .

@PermanentTemporary sorry you are caught up on such a roller coaster. Sending solidarity and cake.

Oh @PermanentTemporary I so hoped there would be different news. Although I'm pleased (sounds like wrong word but I hope you know what I mean!) you've been signed off from work as at least that's one less thing on your plate.

and it will shorten her life Hang on to that thought!

Over at mums. Was supposed to be a quick midweek visit to deliver food for Christmas Day and top up milk and bread etc to see her past the holiday. Got here and a strong smell of gas as soon as I opened the door.

long story short, she used the gas fire yesterday and didn’t turn it off properly, and it’s an old one without a safety cut off. Lovely engineer from the National grid contractor turned a valve for me so she can’t use it again (she never uses it normally!) and has confirmed all pipework and boiler is safe and well. I go cold at the thought of what could have happened if I hadn’t come today - although I am a bit that the carers didn’t notice. It was so strong that the engineers gas detecting machine started beeping the minute I opened the front door even though the gas had been off and the windows had been opened for 30 minutes!

Oh @funnelfan 😮. Scary.
we had endless similar problems with DMs aging gas fire and I replaced it eventually with an electric one which is more expensive to run but feels so much safer.

@funnelfan that's so scarey.

@PermanentTemporary so sorry you are having such a horrid time; I was telling fab kind staff are nursing home today about mental health issues and suicide on my family and I know that when things are so tough the chemicals in the brain run riot. If you can think of things as a chemical reaction to outside stimulus and distance it may help.

MiL was screaming and shouting for the whole of our visit today, DH agreed it was best I left the room. I know it is the strange and scary changes to a dying mind, but it is hard to be told you have poisoned her son’s mind and taken all her money. (The high pitched and very loud screaming went in for over 30 minutes and is now a daily event🙁). I had a good chat with fabulous staff member and a much needed hug. We left a bag of treats for the staff to share.

leaving a bag of treats for you all too, including chocolate, stollen, mince pies and weird M&S liqueurs in light up bottles. 🎄🤔

mince pies and weird M&S liqueurs in light up bottles. 🎄🤔 I have some weird M&S multicoloured Chinese dumplings made up as snowmen. We’re having them tonight.

Season's greetings, cafe dwellers. I seem to have accumulated a fair amount of flavoured vodka, if anyone fancies a drop.
We're having a quiet one this year, hosting FIL in his first Christmas after MIL died this autumn. Except not really his first one alone, as last year MIL was in hospital, and all timings revolved around visiting, and the year before it was becoming clear that things weren't right with her. It felt like a long process, even though for us the period between the beginning and the end of the dementia journey was relatively short, if turbulent. So a big cockroach toast to those of you who've been serving a far longer sentence. Here's to calmer waters up ahead.

Merry Christmas all. I’ve rediscovered Sherry. Lovely. Plenty to go round.

@funnelfan Yep the gas situation. New boiler, lounge fire, trying to get dad to use his heated blanket and central heating, only to find he has got himself a giant Jamie Oliver style huge 7 burner + wok fitting gas range cooker!!! he rarely cooks, thank god for the microwave but its giving me the horrors just knowing it is there.

I'm calming down now. I assumed mum's gas fire would have a safety cut off like our gas cooker, but apparently it's too old for that. Works perfectly well and safely if used properly, but am happy it's now isolated and will not regret it when I get the phone calls telling me the fire isn't working. I'd never fully appreciated the reality of how easy it is to be dangerous with gas appliances.

It's sent me into a bit of a spin though. DH has been quite unwell for a few months and this week it looks like he's turning a corner so I had foolishly allowed myself a bit of hope that Christmas wouldn't be quite as shit as I thought it would be. What with the gas fire and DB and DSIL buggering about with their Christmas plans* I'm now quite pissed off, although I realise it could be a delayed reaction to me coping with DH's illness along with everything else.

*turns out all that food I shopped for and took over to Mum's won't be needed, but given what could have happened with gas leak if I hadn't been there I'm less annoyed than I could have been.

I’m so sorry to read of everyone’s challenges and problems with siblings/ dementia and gas….. so much on top of the already heavy load. I didn’t realise how heavy it all was until it stopped when dm died.
easy to say, but please all try and find some moments for yourselves in the next few days. I’ll be thinking of you all.

@thesandwich I know what you mean about only realising the impact after someonehas died. A couple of days after MIL died DHs phone rang later in the evening and we other realised that we had instinctively tensed ready for the crisis. Before we'd been too busy dealingwith an issue to have noticed the tension.

@PermanentTemporary sending hugs and strength. We were told that my nan was end of life earlier in the year but months later she is still going. Tearful phone call early this morning saying she felt so ill she couldn't move. Rushed over- she seemed fine and was following me around the flat with her walking frame checking what I was doing... made her breakfast before I left. Carer just messaged and said nan told her she hadn't eaten but she had clearly seen the toast crusts on a plate in the kitchen. I love her dearly but it is all draining and frustrating. I want to be there for her but, at Christmas especially, my kids must come first.
I hope you all manage a happy and peaceful Christmas without any dramas ❤

Sending love and Christmas wishes to you all.

Christmas wishes to you all and hope you're all surviving.

I am being driven insane by older relatives who are with us for Christmas but thankfully I've "got to" work on Wednesday so counting down the hours until then.

I'm also thinking about taking a bet how long it'll take before someone (other than my lovely DH) asks how my life is, my work etc etc. Relatives have been here for days and just rabbit on about themselves!

Hope nobody's having any dramas today.
FIL is here, and I'm not altogether sure who's trying their best to please. We're playing dominoes and watching old films with the volume up VERY HIGH. I've known FIL since I was still a teenager, just about, and this year he finally let slip that he wasn't that keen on Christmas pudding. Luckily neither am I, so profiteroles it was, once he was made to understand that they weren't the same thing as Swiss rolls.
Hearing test in the New Year. And DH loves Christmas pudding, so all the more for him.

God, that was hard work. Despite being reminded every time I've spoken to her for the last few weeks mum had completely forgotten she was coming to me today. Good job I phoned to say I was on my way. When DS2 called her granny she had no idea he was talking to her and she is looking very frail all of a sudden. DH is taking her home now and I suspect he's going to need a large whisky when he gets back.

Christmas 💐 to everyone having to grit their teeth and do all the adapting at this time.... x