🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@greenbeansnspinach - it probably is easier if you have a long and close bond - and no I don’t with my mum - though maybe that makes it easier to do practical stuff and face what’s happening, and not grieve losing a fabulous relationship as well - but then a bit conflicting as guess many feel bad about that. She had a great life with my dad, who adored her, but I wasn’t the right child for them really - not a good one at least 🤦🏻‍♀️
I don’t also have the more modern relationship as maybe being able to respond naturally on anything, and gave a laugh and know each other well - as I have with mine. We do have massively different lives and views, but she is keen her loved ones think the right way, same as her 🤦🏻‍♀️. Still all that is a bit late to address now, and that’s ok.
I do this for me really I guess, as I do think it’s right in my situation that I do - because she is old, ill, brought me up and wants this, my dad would, and there really is no reason why I can’t such as young kids, partner, work I have to attend daily - so I couldn’t sit easy if I didn’t do it as I’d feel pretty selfish. I do hate thinking awful thoughts on it though as I feel you should do things like this with grace, or not bother at all, but I’m doing neither of those 🤦🏻‍♀️
I cared at short notice for both parents 3 years back when my dad broke his shoulder - 3 weeks my ma , and 1 week my dad and mother - both bedbound over Xmas - I was on my knees tbh and it was bloody impossible to maintain - only one care call then for my mother as dad did it all- they both ended up back in hospital too so I obviously didn’t do it too well 🤦🏻‍♀️ anyway my dad passed away but my mum got through, but this very short time had clarified that I would not live with her, as she hoped after my dad had gone whilst she was in rehab care - it was a hard conversation. But I could and did help set up her coming home and do the life stuff though have ever since turned my head and ignored she may do better if I did live here - and so NHS got me again with their fine words 🤦🏻‍♀️ and I can’t duck out …

@MsJinks you are being and have been a dutiful daughter. And doing your best; and providing the care that your mum wants/needs/demands. We can’t however control how we feel. I’ve been very glad to find this non judgemental corner of MN (thanks@MereDintofPandiculation !).

Thanks to all on here - you really helped save my sanity here yesterday. Today is a better day starting with a shower whilst ma stayed asleep but just feel better today in general so BIG thanks to all for the non judgmental support - so glad I found you - and hopefully I got enough whining out of my system to last a good while 🤔
I had forgot, but the palliative nurse also told me I ought to try e-harmony, where she met her partner, I mean I’ve had some pretty dire dates in my time, but not one staring at a relative on comfort care 🤦🏻‍♀️ - one for my laughter bank of care stories though!
Hope today is better than yesterday for all on here - we do an amazing job.

Hi There

Is it OK if I sneak in and have a seat in the corner? Both parents are in their 80s - Mum with dementia and Dad physically failing but as determined as ever.

I’m their nearest child so I’m picking up the vast majority of the stuff that needs done while my further away/overseas siblings have gone one each for: ignore; just want to do the enjoyable things; be sporadically useful but really difficult to deal with (a LOT of history there rather than related to my mum & dad).

Anyway it’s all come to a head for me this week so could just do with a supportive environment more than anything else. I reckon I’m going to be in it for the long haul so just want to learn from those more experienced and not let the resentment grow too much.

3FMx

@ThreeForMee - welcome to the most supportive place ever, definitely got me through yesterday.
I’m new here but have taken full advantage of everyone’s kindness already. You will be fine here, although it’s sad you have to be here.
Number one tip from me is to be kind to yourself - or maybe rant in here when resentment does build.
Hope today is ok.

Thanks MrsJinks. Sounds like you’ve really been through the mill the last few days.

im trying to be kind to myself but it doesn’t come naturally. That’s why I chose ‘3 for me’ as a name - I try to remind myself to do 3 little things just for myself when its a tough day. One of them was coming on here so that’s been a good decision 👍

Hello ThreeForMee!
I feel I'm too new on here to say 'welcome'! But I will say that just knowing that there's somewhere I can vent a bit has been half the battle this last fortnight!

@ThreeForMee what a great name, that’s something we can all do with being reminded! Welcome.

Welcome @ThreeForMee , sorry you have to be here.

Welcome to all the newcomers to "the friendliest board on MN you wish you weren't on".
you don't have to be here ages to welcome other people, @SeriouslyAgain, it's not like other nastier corners of MN where you constantly have to be "proving your credentials"

a welcome haven indeed for honesty and support

Welcome all newbies- I’m a board vet and fraud (dm passed away in may) still lurking and happy to offer advice/ permission to vent.

Wellcome @ThreeForMee - lots of listeners and advice here. Do also look around for local charities and befriending for your DPs and yourself too, hopefully other help will come your way as well such as dementia nurse services etc. As and when needed.

@MsJinks I hope your day has remained a calmer one.

@ThreeForMee - what a great idea. I think of 3 things quite a bit but not as kind lately to anyone - todays 3 random things is around ‘I do like Mondays Bob’
Good tv for mother
Work and interact with other humans not about catheters
Making pie, chips, peas on request for pie and yes chips from mother - turning out she wanted a Mr Kipling Apple pie - got to laugh!
Hope your other 2 today have been good - you don’t have to stop at 2 though, that’s a minimum!

Pops head around door, hello, I wonder if you all might look after me for a little while? It seems like we're going to to have FIL on palliative care over Christmas...

Has been in hospital for weeks with general infection type symptoms and is currently a bit like one of those children's cars that you pull back, only for it to zoom forward again heading in one direction. All a bit of a nightmare, especially with the time of year...

Hello Tokyo, It's a tough time of year to be dealing with something that's tough at the best of times. I'm sure you'll get lots of sympathy, wise words and general niceness here. For what it's worth, you're not alone 💐

@TokyoSushi this time of year does add a layer of stress both emotional and practical. Hopefully you have some help from other family members.

Thank you @DrBlackbird a tiny bit, but it's very limited, we'll manage, it's just the waiting that's so miserable.

Hi @TokyoSushi in our house we've been through similar with 3 parents over the last 2 years. It's exhausting so remember take care of yourself. Sadly things can take a while - wespent 7 weeks expecting "the call" with MIL this autumn so make sure you don't forget to plan some nice things even if they do need to be easily movable

Waves to all, especially at those dealing with sh1te at Christmas xx

Hello everybody, can I join and get some perspective on the situation with my DM? She's 90 and physically housebound and starting to get confused, and we've had an ongoing battle now for five years about carers - or rather the lack of them. She used to care for my DF, and I was already trying to persuade them to get carers, then she broke her hip and went into hospital, leaving me caring for my DF, although he died shortly after (so clearly I wasn't very good at it!). My mum has had a number of emergency hospital, admissions and each time it looks likely she might die, but she's recovered.

Anyway, my business is a mess since Covid and the stuff with my DPs, i'm not earning much money and it's just me (and DD at uni), and two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer, which hopefully I'm clear from now, but the after effects of treatment and the ongoing anxiety about it coming back is affecting me. In some ways, my DM doesn't ask me to do very much, but it's more than mental load of there being nobody else there to pick up anything that needs doing, she's lost her purse, or needs some money out the cash till or the smoke alarms beeping et cetera, and also the emotional strain of pretty much being the only person that she sees. I have a brother but he is always iller than everybody else and he just moans to mum all the time and rarely visits, which I think is outrageous but not much I can do about it. I had a huge row with her on Wednesday night about the care thing again. I just need to get my life together after having cancer, but I just feel such a weight of responsibility for her all the time. I just want one other person there who could do some other things. Her response is just "I won't ask you to do anything in the future then". Now I am sitting here feeling that I'm being unreasonable, and actually she's not expecting very much, which in someway she isn't, but it's just the unpredictability of everything and that feeling of dread that everything is only going one way towards chaos. The other factor is that they weren't good parents, not really their fault due to trauma in their own lives, but there's no recognition of that from her either, certainly not her role in it, only blaming my father. Any perspective anyone? Thanks in advance!

@SierraSapphire I think many on here will know exactly what you are coping with. Just remember that if your mother makes unreasonable decisions it's not your fault and youdon't have to go along with them. Sometimes they need to live with the consequences of those decisions before there will be any change. But it's bloody tough to do so be kind to yourself.

Thanks @countrygirl99 - i've been through the thought process about not being responsible for other peoples bad decisions with my DM and my DF before he died, I think the thing I struggle with a bit is am I making a big thing out of nothing very much, I dread phoning her though because she's going to start just launching into whatever the latest problem is that may not be an emergency but will need my help to sort out at some point and it sits over me. All I'm suggesting is she has someone in for an hour a couple of times a week to pick up these things, but to her it's "I don't want someone in the house all day every day" when nobody suggested anything like that! When she's had carers after being in hospital, she gets herself up extra early in the morning to make sure that she's dressed and had breakfast and there's nothing for them to do. It's frustrating! And I've said to her, I would feel like visiting her more and we could do more nice things if it wasn't that there was always a load of jobs for me to do, but that doesn't persuade her either!

I think I'm asking do other people feel weighed down by things that in themselves perhaps are not huge, but are still there, and how do you handle this?

@SierraSapphire dealing with elderly relatives who make poor decisions but expect you to fix the consequences is a theme that recurs in the cafe threads. It is common. And if you are already prone to anxiety it really doesn’t help if you are always waiting for that call, so sympathies there. It seems that the only/best way of dealing with it is setting your own boundaries and stepping back and accepting that a crisis will occur at some point. But you can’t stop someone with capacity making a bad choice.

There was an interesting discussion a few months ago along the lines of some elderly people making seemingly bad decisions and even being “rebellious” because in many cases it’s the only control they still have over their lives. And that feeling of autonomy was more important to them than any risk that arose from it.

What I’ve learned is that what is important to my mum is not necessarily what DB and I think it important, not what she would have thought as important even 5 years ago. We have settled with her on what is non-negotiable (safety, medication, food, hygiene) and have to let everything else go. Its hard.

Address the issues if they have the potential to get worse and cause a bigger problem (e.g. leaking tap). Decline/distract/refuse if you are at capacity and/or it is not in your “minimum standards” e.g. buy, write and post Christmas cards for everyone in her address book.