🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@SierraSapphire in some ways I have the opposite problem to many as my mum doesn't phone as she thinks she can sort stuff but her alzheimers means she usually just makes the problem worse. I never sleep well before I go up wondering what this weeks problem will be and I never sleep well after trying to work out a prevention plan for a repeat. This week it was the light bulb in the dining room had blown and she couldn't get it out to see what type it was. Git it out and she didn't have a replacement. Goodness knows where they've gone as I bought a box of 10 a few months ago when she needed one for the living room.
Biggest current battle is getting her to accept a cleaner. Her loo is gross and I now always take a little bottle of hand sanitiser in my pocket!
Mum has a carer pop in once a day just for 15 minutes to check she's OK which she hates. She thinks that either me orì one of my brothers should phone to check but she won't wear her hearing aids or take her mobile if she goes out so there's a 50/50 chance she won't answer and I'm not dropping everything to do a 2 hour round trip only to find out she was in a different room to the phone or she's forgotten to put it on to charge.
So yeah, I stress the small stuff a lot.

All I'm suggesting is she has someone in for an hour a couple of times a week to pick up these things, but to her it's "I don't want someone in the house all day every day" when nobody suggested anything like that!. Hmm … could you be that person? Limit your visits to two hours a week, do jobs in priority order, stop after an hour and go? Then, apart from adding things to the list, you’d be off duty for the rest of the week.

OK, it reduces your relationship to client/carer, but realistically you’re not having much of a daughter/mother relationship at the moment, are you?

Thanks for all the responses, and sympathy to everyone else going through it. Getting cancer was a big wake up call to not living my own life and I'm much better at boundaries than I was. It's stuff like she messaged me to say could I take her to the hospital for a non-urgent appointment, and I said I couldn't because I had a check up to see if my cancer recurred (not expecting it to have but still stressful) and instead of showing any interest in that, she just said "You could take me a bit earlier then". Obviously I said no, but I just wish she had someone else to ask other than me. In this instance she got a taxi, but sometimes I crack and say yes when really I'd rather not.

Posting her Christmas cards is on the list of things I have to do but I seem to not be speaking to her! I won't apologise for getting upset but she will never think she's done anything less than helpful herself!

@countrygirl99 Have you researched techie solutions? Eg a pad at tge bedroom door so you know whether she’s got up, or something that lets you see if she’s boiled a kettle?

@MereDintofPandiculation that's pretty much where I am, plus the medical trips I need to be at, but sometimes things are more urgent and I'm working, or struggling to manage my energy after cancer and chemo, or I just have a yoga class (selfish!) and it's just not convenient. She could afford carers but just refuses 🤷‍♀️. I think I just need to leave more things to go wrong. I rebelled on cooking Xmas lunch this year too, we're going out, I've done 18 years and it never seems to be my brother's turn (and I never went home in my 20s/early 30s because my DF kept chucking me out), so that's a minor victory (although my DM did just say originally she'd sit at home on her own then 🙄).

Mum has a history of throwing away things she doesn't want/thinks she doesn't need/ thinks are ugly so I very much suspect that sort of solution would end up in the bin. Even her very expensive hearing aids went in the bin because she couldn't remember getting them so in her head they were dad's and dead people don't need hearing aids.
The added bonus is the carers check the fridge a couple of times a week to avoid a build up of rancid or mouldy food that mum thinks she only bought/got out the freezer yesterday. I've had too many incidents where I've removed stuff that is too far gone to know what it is and mum clearly has zero sense of smell now so even the milk needs checking as mum doesn't notice it's off until it separates.

In good news one of the fantastic carers chivvied our friend into making an appointment to have her latest problem looked at: and my saintly OH is there with her now. Luckily there is a Pret onsite as otherwise he wouldn't have had lunch... She is actually being seen, but in hospitals - probably not just an NHS thing - there's always "hurry up and wait".

And my careful deployment of "ask and stand back and let it sit" has worked! and so we are visiting the two most frail relatives (briefly) in a week.
I have no natural tact and got sent on a lot of courses at work to din it into me - still very useful even though I'm retired now.

I feel a bit of a fraud being here but I think the lessons learned from the lurking have helped us avoid a lot of problems. So thanks all. Back to lurking now...

There's a Pret in a hospital? 😍 <misses point>

Merry Christmas, cockroaches - have the best one you can!
Sending best wishes to all of you struggling with caring for your old folk, tackling NHS or facing sad anniversaries.
I'm rather delighted to report that my golden DB has decided that he is bringing his family to stay with my DM for Christmas, so I've got someone to share the duties. I'm less delighted, but not surprised, to find that it's creating a lot of extra work - and guess who's expected to be running around sorting things out?

I was just remembering how much I enjoyed the Covid Christmas when lockdown meant I only had to spend Christmas with the people I wanted to rather than dealing with a whole load of expectations from elderly relatives and other extended family.

The next fortnight is looking pretty grim.

Just read the riot act to DF after yet another mention of DB who has been enjoying a very lengthy holiday down under. DSis and I have been picking up the slack helping him remain in his own home along with a team of fabulous carers. I get that he's missing him but dear god we are all running our arses off and DB didnt give his DF much thought or his siblings for that matter.
I did rant about showing some appreciation to all the women keeping him afloat and not banging on about Golden Bollocks all the time.

I haven't read through the whole thread as I've only just found it, but I think I'm going to start being a regular...

DM is 69 and was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. My brother and I are mostly sharing the load, but we're moving mum closer to me soon (as that's where she can afford), so it's going to start landing harder. Our dad died 2 years ago, and although we knew mum was having some memory issues we didn't realise how bad things were until he wasn't there anymore.

Fortunately I am not considered a bad daughter, by anyone except her fucking holier than thou neighbour, who threatened to call safeguarding recently because she's been out in the garden in her dressing gown in the morning, and left the car boot open overnight the other day. While it's going to make life harder in some ways having her closer (as she's already started to say she doesn't think she'll need a carer anymore...), at least I won't have to deal with him.

Thanks for having me, I'll bring along some Morrisons chocolate gingers next time

Hello multicoloured 👋. When my mum started becoming unable to look after herself, and I was desperately trying to get her to the docs/persuade her she needed help, I had family friends ringing me asking me why I wasn't 'doing anything', and that it was 'a disgrace she's not in a home'.
Not quite sure what they expected me to do... Drag her bodily to a doctor!? March a social worker to her house?! Insist that she completely change her entire personality and accept help from me?!
I would have been so grateful for any support or understanding as perhaps she would have listened to friends more than me. But no, it was all blame.
You'll be well rid of the interfering neighbour!

Absolutely multicoloured. There will also be the opposite group who pop up to inform you it's a disgrace if she DOES go into a home, and that she seems perfectly fine to them.

Your mum sounds like it's a bit touch and go, I hope the move goes OK.

If it's any comfort, I've posted on here about a friend who is now frail and unwell (so even though she's younger than me, most the issues are 'dealing with an 85 year old' issues).
She's single so has carers and we're in the network of friends who take her to appointments, out for tea etc.

When she doesn't refuse to go, which was a week ago. And now she's been admitted, because by the time one of the saintly carers had persuaded her, the problem had been given another week to take hold.
Literally someone turned up to take her to her hospital appointment and she refused to go. What can you do?

MysterOf, thank you. That's exactly what happened to my mum. She refused all help, GP wouldn't see her as no consent, so she ended up in hospital, which is exactly what she didn't want. At least that gave me the chance to organise care, because the hospital wouldn't let her out without it!

Thanks for having me, I'll bring along some Morrisons chocolate gingers next time Chocolate gingers? They don’t offer them to their on-line customers! Or do you mean their totally delicious chocolate covered biscuits with lumps of crystallised ginger?

Adds Chocolate Ginger biscuits to Christmas shopping list.

I did mean the biscuits, but fml I had a google and Waitrose do actual dark chocolate covered crystallised ginger

www.waitrose.com/ecom/products/waitrose-dark-chocolate-ginger/501744-811568-811569

Thanks @SeriouslyAgain @PermanentTemporary - yes I can see that coming, I'm sure I'll get judgement whatever I do from various quarters. At least if I'm prepared for it then I can mostly ignore it. People really can be totally shit and don't use their imagination to consider what it's actually like.

I think she's still just about in the window where we can move her - the carers are there once a day to make sure she takes her medication and to get dinner started for her, so she doesn't need them need them, but I'd rather have the support in place so that we can ramp it up when it becomes more necessary. I think we might have to stop her driving soon though - that's going to be a nightmare of a conversation.

@multicolouredmugs Thanks. Sadly our nearest Waitrose is miles away in the next valley, so I get our chocolate gingers online

Borders chocolate gingers are nice.

Hello all- biscuit chat is v tempting! Chatted to my dm’s cleaner today- apparently this week is known at our hospital whee she works ( and probably others😉) as ““ drop a granny “ week where relatives deposit an elderly saying the elderly is ill and then scarper….”

Morrisons are nicer! I introduced them to a friend who was a fan of Borders, and she was very cross with me because having tasted Morrisons she didn't want to eat Borders any more.

We on this board certainly understand what motivates them!