🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Yes me too. Awful situation, I'm really sorry.

I read it last night too and I am sorry, tough one. No harm in posting here as well though.

Of course you can! No different to my directing people to a new cockroach thread

@Mxflamingnoravera I’ve just read your posts on your thread- sorry you’ve not had the kind of empathy and understanding you’d get here.
well done for sticking to your guns- and it sounds like your m is in a place where she is understood and looked after.
dh had experience of almost similar with his parents in care homes- very tricky and difficult. Made easier with fil who was not mobile but wanted privacy with a female resident( still married)

@thesandwich thanks, it's becoming rather unpleasant on my thread, I've asked for it to be taken down.

@Mxflamingnoravera I'm sorry. You’re amongst friends here- we get it.

Nora I completely agree with you. I sort of know the territory you are in, but to a much lesser extent.
DM took a liking for two gentleman at different times and in different care homes. In both instances their wives were aware, and in both instances the wives laughed it off as harmless . The second time around the gentleman's name and surname was almost identical to my DF's. Sadly, the second gentleman had a massive stroke and died but the last time his family saw him, he was sitting next to my DM in his bedroom, watching the rugby sharing a box of fruit pastilles. They had no issues with my DM being around.
A few years hence , DM also took a shine for another chap who dropped his trousers when DM appeared. DSis and I nicknamed him the 'sex offender' and were aware that he was given some meds to cool his ardour. The staff kept them apart for six weeks until whatever medication he had been given worked.
Good that the staff are backing you. They will have seen it many times.

Oh it's so much nicer here. You think if posted on AIBU given the extreme reaction of some people. I feel less anxious already. I'll stay here now.

I would help yourself to a large gin if I were you. There's no easy answer and only losers in that situation. (Luckily I spotted the auto correct to lovers😯)

I've just looked at your other thread - what is it with people?
You're doing a great job. Stick in there. (Maybe just don't look at the thread any more?)

The thread appeared in “Active” and/or “Trending” at one point and sadly that appears to bring an influx of people who don’t see what board they are on, and think they are in AIBU by default. It also is consistent with my theory about the number of goady and inflammatory posts these days on MN.

Happily, long running threads like this one don’t show up in those categories and thus we can chat in peace without the disruptive drive-by posts.

glad you feel supported here@Mxflamingnoravera.

@Mxflamingnoravera welcome and sorry to hear your worries, only read a little to get an idea, you must do what is best for your DM. These confusions aren’t uncommon so staff should be advising 🤞. I hope things are being resolved.

MiL was convinced a fellow resident was eldest DS and was shouting at him quite angrily ‘M come here it us your mother talking’ he was equally confused but shouted back ‘that is not my name’. For weeks she got upset that her son was living with her and ignoring her, at times she would be taken to sit quietly in her room but every time he walked past she would call out. It so sad and more so if others don’t understand.

I don't know why but I went back to read more of the thread and felt v protective of my mum as a result. I didn't like her much as a young adult and was terrified of her as a child and teenager but I've softened towards her as she has become vulnerable. I'm feeling very soft towards her today and hope nothing else has happened at the home.

I'm just home from work. I'm going to have a GIn and tonic and my supper and de-stress from my other thread which I think I may now hide. Buts I'm like a child with a dying wasp, want to be rid of it, but poking it with a stick from time to time then wondering why I get stung.

It's nice to be back, I'm not completely new here. I'm the long suffering Brothers Grimm person. Some of you might remember my tales of woe as they bullied my mum just as she was being diagnosed. They have gone quiet now, save for an occasional request to do something I can't do as my mums attorney.

Nice to see you all again, how goes it with you all? Sending thanks for the warm words of support and sympathy.

I remember the Brothers Grimm. Glad they are quieter.
I'm feeling frustrated with DB1 this evening. He has POA but has moved several hours away. Mum has an issue that only he can deal with as only he has the contract details, could turn out to be a minor issue or could require a significant spend. If it turns out to be a bigger problem it will need "on the ground attention" so any hard work will fall to me and/or DB2. Needs a phone call to get someone out to check it out, and as far as I know they have phones up north, but he's just ignoring it.

It's because of your vagina @countrygirl99, they don't swing around and prevent them from picking up phones like penises must do. That and they know you won't leave your mum in need. I'm an only child, so at least I know it falls on me. It must add to the stress, knowing they can but simply don't act when they are perfectly capable of doing so. Why take on POA if you have no intention of actually helping when it kicks in and needs a bit of effort? (That's a rhetorical question btw ).

The reason DB1 was given as DB1 lived in the same town. But they knew he was planning to move away. The real reason was he was mum's golden child and dad would never go against what mum wanted. He accepted because he has the same opinion of himself as mum did.
I've had a rough day at work as well and came the closest I ever have in 43 years of working to telling someone precisely where to stick their process. But I don't want to be put on a disciplinary so close to annual bonus decision time.

Very wise @countrygirl99
@Mxflamingnoravera I too remember the Brothers Grimm!

Sigh. While 2 of my POAs are happily arranging Xmas meetups with us, I've just had an email from #4 (on behalf of him and #3) saying that due to their ailments they can't have visitors right now. I was suggesting popping in bearing cake ...!
All 4 have capacity so it is what it is and I accept things I can't change (not always with good grace!). But. I don't really want the next time I see #3&4 to be one of their funerals.

I think I'll sit on it for a few days - we're going away anyway - and suggest a video call later.

I mean, it sounds like all is as well as it can be - carers engaged, meals being delivered - and I do wonder if it's that #4 is raging inside at the indignity of it all and just doesn't want to be seen in such a frail state.
That's human and understandable, but I do still have to do some due diligence to check it's not all going to hell in a handbasket...

At the same time I feel like a bit of a fraud being on here as no crises yet!
But it's so USEFUL.
More, at the moment, dealing with our younger disabled friend - who claims, despite being rung up first thing this morning by my OH and reminded about it, to have slept through a phone appointment from the hospital. Not the first time. Again, she probably suspects bad news with not much to be done, so ... But we'll try and chivvy her into a physical appointment next time, as we can take her there and make sure they actually get to SEE her. Or at least make sure we're in the room with her so the phone call is answered. We were busy today unfortunately.

Hi everyone- directed here from a different thread - but today it’s just a rant - not best intro 🤦🏻‍♀️- just such a bad day - my ma is confused at times (on EOL but that is postponed since I got her home from hospital it seems) - but I’ve been hauling furniture all over the room all afternoon as she wasn’t sure her bed was supposed to be where it was (only there 3 years) and just gone for a shower whilst daughter sits here and she needs me back as she’s only gone and pulled her bloody catheter about and it hurts now 🤦🏻‍♀️ - she seems a bit sad I can’t (or won’t she may believe) sort it - she is also fibbing that she never touched it 👀 - I have today lost the joy the hospice nurse told me there is 🤷🏼‍♀️
Hope everyone is having a better day than this - surely tomorrow will be better 😀

Sending unmumsnetty hugs @MsJinks EOL at home is what we would all wish for for but it takes its toll on you. Don't forget to put your face mask on first.

Hi - thank you for the welcome 😀- I’ve been up a bit explaining the noise she can hear is the oxygen concentrator - only had it nearly 4 weeks 🤷🏼‍♀️
To explain the EOL she went into hospital with pneumonia and I was called in on week 2 as she was very unwell (I did visit daily btw) - she was given hours to days and as she kept wanting to go home she was fast tracked (fast?!) here. She didn’t realise why, just thought she was getting better.
She is now actually recovering from the pneumonia - she’s very tough and loves life which helps I’m told for recovery. It has however impacted her heart failure so she’s fully in bed, on oxygen, catheterised and can’t move herself around. The GP was a bit blunt re EOL with her first week back but that made her upset and angry - she’s here to recover! Nurses say shes now going nowhere and palliative said months probably- definitely not imminent - so that’s how I ended up here and staying - in her mind until she’s back up. She can’t be left at all so it is 24/7 but sadly with us both expecting a different outcome. Difficult conversations we may have are around going back in hospital if she thinks it would get her better whereas I know they withdrew all treatment.
She’s needed one room care for 3 years since my Dad passed away so I was caring as in looking after house/bills/appointments/emergencies etc but had refused to live here - 3 years ago my dad had a fall and I ended up here with both of them for 3 weeks in beds in front room - they both ended up in hospital again but only my Mum could come home - she wanted to so I made it happen but as I’d been exhausted within those 3 weeks i would not do it myself. Obviously now things are different- she’s pretty happy and enjoying life and glad I’m here - I just worry about work and my own stuff now it’s going to go on a while - feel rather selfish and particularly bad complaining but sadly there are rants and worries from me rather than having so many joyful days as palliative care said. Looking for ways to enjoy though.
All care is difficult, just being on call was I found - and it’s unexpected for us too I think - glad to ‘meet’ some fellow carers though.
Hope all have a good day 😃

@Mxflamingnoravera Was your old name similar? When I saw your other thread , I thought “that’s a coincidence, we used to have a poster with similar name”.

@MsJinks I found being on call difficult. Never being able to relax, always being on edge.

@MereDintofPandiculation - definitely being on call impacts living - my life considerably changed, though covid also reduced stuff anyway I guess.
Unusually we all went - me, my daughters and grandkids away altogether to my eldest’s destination wedding - set loads up for neighbours calling etc - yup called in Gozo for assistance
Previously went to an army memorial for my dad in Edinburgh - and stayed 3 days - not all of us so kids available though at a distance - yes called by carers to say no food 🤦🏻‍♀️- probs as they ate it (changed care co since) and my mum said she missed me so much - I’ve been lucky she never needed me on a night out though - but only do that less than twice a year
It’s all hard on the mental load however much you think you do or don’t do - you all do so much in reality.

To add that I’ve been super fortunate with work so I know I’ve been very very lucky - even when I don’t like the job this is a massive benefit - getting harder now obviously and still planning what’s best there.

@MsJinks have you got options for carers or respite, should you find 24/7 is exhausting after a while? It if takes months, surely you can’t do that alone?
It sounds hard, that’s all. Hope you have someone to help take the load.