🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Granny bingo, like that idea - might suggest that to DS and SiL when on the phone to my DM who repeats many stories, DS just cuts her off, SiL politely listens and I say yes mum you mentioned that before. She doesn’t have dementia …. Or diagnosed atm.

Problems with my DPs are DDs desperate need to be centre of attention; and DM wanting to get her own way. They told me they are sending letters with Xmas cards to their GC which will say - ‘we are sending a card to you so you must send one back, now that you are old enough🤔’ , ie we don’t want your parents to send cards with your names in! I think this is so DF can show off about how many cards he has.

DH SiL has bought MiL present to put under tree at nursing home this weekend. I haven’t offered any money towards it as had already bought her a new blouse. Just want MiL to have a good day on Christmas Day and also not be difficult for the staff. 🤞🤞

@funnelfan that is part of growing up isn’t it, and well put. I can see looks from younger family at times, my DC have been good at ignoring it, we often have a little debrief after. 😁. DF tells everyone he is a lefty trendy - he follows the crowd and his crowd now are his arty pensioner writers crowd so he takes on their views then spouts them to his old branch banking crowd, who are not of the same opinions. Funny enough the bankers forgot to invite him to something recently….

I’m thankful, @MereDintofPandiculation and all, that we can be honest here about difficult relatives without the pile ons of AIBU - both ways, that we can say what we think, and that it’s often complicated and makes us feel both angry and guilty. Thanks for creating and maintaining this bad daughters/ nieces/ granddaughters room!

I definitely have one if those 'big oof' gifs om my face when reading about someone caring for an elderly parent who's posted on AIBU. The stream of 'throw her out tonight' posts alternating with 'how can you think anything negative about your MOTHER' posts is hard work. I hope most of them are journalists tbh.

@funnelfan
DH SiL has bought MiL present to put under tree at nursing home this weekend. I haven’t offered any money towards it as had already bought her a new blouse. Just want MiL to have a good day on Christmas Day and also not be difficult for the staff.

I spat out my water when I read that. ..
Lots of very competitive virtue -signalling from DH Sil. At any of the three care homes DM attended, any parcel under the tree would have been appropriated by any one of about 15 residents and opened and never seen the light of day... the staff will be rolling their eyes...

I know what you mean, but I think it takes a lot of life experience to get to that point in general. And the current culture of public figures and media including social media, has polarised discourse such that it is very difficult to observe that you agree with someone on Topic A but disagree with them on Topic B and not get sucked into an argument on “OMG that person is evil because of Topic A, how can you agree with them on Topic B, you must be evil too”. The art of compromise in politics in the interests of the nation has been completely lost for example.

Plus it is my opinion that AIBU has had an influx of posters who make goady, inflammatory, contradictory comments and/or they are bots which makes it extremely difficult to have any kind of rational conversation due to the distractions. The other quieter boards such as this one are where the real MN lies, IMHO. Oh, and the Archers threads.

I’m a big believer in getting things out in the open so I would definitely advocate for some kind of discussion that this could be an issue and how you want to handle it. Eg if your DH finds the day tough he may want a bit of space/time and if the family know that in advance then it wouldn’t be a big deal if he retreated for a bit. Fingers crossed the funeral goes ok and your BIL stops being a pain.

@funnelfan the dogs could get a lot of walks

sounds like a plan!

@countrygirl99 sounds v tough. Especially with all the jollity around at Christmas.

@funnelfan know what you mean, but I think it takes a lot of life experience to get to that point in general. I"ve always assumed that I'm lacking in empathy, in that I can't understand what another person is feeling until I've had the experience myself, but maybe I'm being hard on myself. Certainly the older I get themore tolerance I have for behaviour I would have condemned outright when younger.

And the current culture of public figures and media including social media, has polarised discourse such that it is very difficult to observe that you agree with someone on Topic A but disagree with them on Topic B and not get sucked into an argument on “OMG that person is evil because of Topic A, how can you agree with them on Topic B, you must be evil too”. The art of compromise in politics in the interests of the nation has been completely lost for example. You're talking a lot of sense there.

The other quieter boards such as this one are where the real MN lies, IMHO. Oh, and the Archers threads. Gardening is pretty nice too. Which is interesting since a gardening board I used to be on was worse than AIBU Poisonous emails, wild accusations, exchanges of solicitor's letters ...

There are things about my mother's last days which I've never told anyone, even on an anonymous forum, in deference to her dignity and privacy. But there comes a time where your needs as carer, and indeed the needs of those around you to understand the situation, outweigh your parent's privacy, and you will need to say "he's getting a little confused' I think that's a turning point as big as the earlier one where you become parent to them as child.

Bad daughters, gardening, books and one sensible (imho) and funny political thread are what I come to MN for these days.

@countrygirl99 there is at least one of those brothers in every family!

Aargh. Got a call from DM to say the boiler’d gone off so zipped up to fix it (it’s just a lever that needs pulling and she’s only 5 mins away). By the time I got there not one of her 4 hearing aids (2 pairs) were working and she couldn’t hear a thing. She goes into total panic if she can’t hear.
I changed batteries and tubes and managed to get one working.
Luckily today is the day that the Specsavers audiologist is in town and I managed to catch him and he fixed one for me. Just the NHS ones to sort now,
These hearing aids are so fiddly.

I am not cut out for this! And it’s only midday.

@funnelfan it is such a silly thing to get wound up about I know so appreciate you seeing the virtue signalling - I hope you didn’t choke on your water. others are having a much harder time as Christmas approaches, it feels a bit petty to moan. I am no saint but I have always done my bit including volunteering in my early 20s, and years of PTA etc. I just do it quietly.

It is 25 years since my fab grandmother died, my only grandparent - she planned Christmas months in advance, homemade puddings, cakes, great games… so much time and effort. My siblings and I try hard to honour her traditions but I don’t make homemade puddings! Will always think of her but more so as Christmas approaches.

Last year a relative found my father that none of us knew existed, my grandmother kept secret that her unmarried sister had a son, his daughter has found us👍. We have met a few times and are just arranging to meet again in the New Year - trying to piece together the past. It is sad but also lovely to have found her and that weirdly I had my suspicions and had been looking up records during lockdown.

thinking of those who are anxious about the coming weeks, life brings challenges and surprises, look after yourselves.

I think @Juneday and @Mum5net keep tagging me in their conversation by accident, as I keep reading posts and getting worried about having no reflection of making the originals!

Ooops sorry.

Yes, sorry @funnelfan you don’t need any more complications.

Haha, not a problem, just worried my memory was going too!

I think @Juneday was referring to SIL putting under the tree at the carehome a present for DM as conspicuous display of “caring”.

It was quite a long way back!

Hello everyone! Can I join please?! I sometimes need to vent in order to save my sanity. But I can also hopefully be useful as I have a LOT of experience of many and varied 'elderly parent' issues 😂.
After the awfulness of a lot of MN (wow, why are people so unnecessarily rude?!) this seems like a safe space!

Hi @SeriouslyAgain of course you are welcome. There's a comfy chair by the fire and cakes on the table at the side. There's plenty of gin (other tipples are available) if you need something stronger than tea.

Thank you so much! Gin's perfect. Along with wine. And whiskey. 😂Really anything that will keep me going! I've had a day of no calls or messages or emails or panics or demands - Lovely! Hope others are having a similarly restful Sunday.

Oh darn, I meant to have my rant here, forgot and started a new thread. But now I can't ask you to read it because that would be a TAAT.

I read it. Tough one.