Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

My sister would like me to do more but that’s a whole other story

It's a story we're very familiar with on these threads, though. Don't be guilt-tripped into doing more than you feel you can.
Does your sister live close by? How much of the caring load has fallen on her?

She does live close and does do more than me at times. I’m a stay at home Mum with young children while she works with older children who can be left in house by themselves for a bit or go out by themselves. I think she believes I have more time to do things. We are just at different life stages.

@Lookingforasilverlining that all sounds impossible. As an only child I cared for my mum on my own after my dad died but I had plenty of support from my husband and kids (and extended family).

Mum made it back to the nursing home on Sunday evening, still very sleepy but eating and responding. One uncle went to see her on Tuesday and said she seemed brighter than she had been for a while. My other uncle went yesterday. He is elderly and doesn't live locally so only visits every few months and he was a bit upset that she wasn't making sense - even though I tell him every time that she has very little language. She did however talk to him and tell him all about her brother and how wonderful he is and how highly regarded he is. She is unable to connect the brother she is talking about with the man sitting talking to her. But I am glad he heard what she had to say about him and how much she loves him.

And, at long last, the lift is mended and she is back downstairs during the day.

How bittersweet for your uncle IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere. It sounds like your mum is comfortable and I suppose that’s all you can expect at this point.

MILs doctor phoned this evening. Difficult call. She's been in and out of hospital for the last couple of months but no more and no more blood tests. Her heart and kidneys are failing and need the opposite treatment. Massive drop in kidney function in the last couple of weeks. So now it's just keep her comfortable and end of life meds have been prescribed ready. Just waiting for the end now could be days or weeks.

Thinking of you @countrygirl99 🌺🌺🌺. Sending strength.
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere how sad.

Just back from a 5 day trip abroad - the first in 4 years - to find poor DM had fallen and fractured a vertebrae ( a wedge fracture?). There’s no treatment just pain relief and she is in agony. DB and SIL were around fortunately and he was literally hopping on our doorstep when we arrived home. We’ve been taking shifts today to look after her but they are back to work tomorrow. Hoping to speak to the GP in the morning.

@countrygirl99 sending strength and thoughts.

Update from the doctors Friday is it could take weeks or happen very quickly so it's really difficult to know what to do. DH and others are upping visits but it's impossible to do the 2 hour round trip plus visiting time every day. On top of that DH is self employed, his work is seasonal and now until Christmas generates about half his income for the year. We are at the jumping every time the phone rings stage but mostly it's customers booking a job.

@countrygirl99 sorry to hear your news. You can only do what works for you and DH, and just hope for a peaceful outcome for all.

She gets really tired and grumpy if she jas too many visitors. DH was the 3rd on Friday and it was way too much for her. He tried to do a video call to our son who lives abroad which she usually loves but he gave up in the end as all she wanted was for him to close the door if it was open and open it if it was closed so he was just up and down the whole time. So now they are co-ordinating so it's only 1 a day unless they get "the call".

Hope everyone is doing ok. Life is grinding on for mum. She does ok in the warmer, lighter months but now the evening are starting to draw in and the weather is getting colder I’m expecting her confusion to worsen.

It is lots of smaller things that seem simple in themselves but when you’re 100 miles away and they start building up it can get overwhelming. Especially as mum has reached the stage of just expecting I will sort it. The current job is tracking down whoever called her to make a doctors appointment. She took in none of the call, and rang me in a panic saying she had an appointment but doesn’t know who or where. Not her GP. Not her consultant. Not the nurse. No letters have arrived. I’m beginning to thing she dreamt the call in the first place.

MIL died at the weekend, having acquired both an infection and Covid. It wasn't a traumatic passing at all. We sat with her in hospital, and eventually her breathing stopped. I'm so glad she didn't have to live in her nightmare world of dementia any longer.
There's plenty of work up ahead, what with all the sadmin, and FIL to look out for. But for now it feels as if a weight has been lifted for everyone. Most of all for MIL.

Sorry for your loss @DahliaMacNamara and glad it was peaceful. So many mixed feelings when someone suffering so much dies.

So sorry to hear your news @DahliaMacNamara but, as you say, an awful mix of emotions. Look after yourself x

@DahliaMacNamara sorry for your loss but glad the end was peaceful, which is all any of us can ask for.

@DahliaMacNamara im so sorry for your loss but completely understand the mixed feelings. So glad it was peaceful. 🌺🌺

@DahliaMacNamara I'm so sorry about your MIL's death, and I completely understand the mixed emotions it brings.
Every good wish as you navigate the admin and give comfort to FIL.

@DahliaMacNamara sorry for your loss.

@DahliaMacNamara hope you, DH and all the family are coming to terms with your loss and remembering all the better times.

Can I join? I was mean to my lovely mum earlier today - she had a stroke a few months back and has made such good progress physically, but gets very, very anxious about stuff going wrong. Yesterday it was a symbol suddenly appearing on her mobile screen. Today it's the oven not working. I live close and went to have a look at it, but she got totally anxious about me touching anything and about the electricity it was using (although it isn't working). So I said well I'll just go home again then and she got so very upset. It was horrible of me to be so petulant.
I lived in with her and my dad (he's 91, mum is 88) for weeks after her stroke but am going in 3 times a week to cook, clean, iron etc. so I'm really not under pressure. Reading what some of you have dealt with and are dealing with, I don't know why I was such a cow. She says she feels scared all the time and puts on a smiley face to pretend that everything is fine, but that anything going wrong just throws all that out and then she's scared that she is scared. Breaks my heart.

Oh, @EmileFord , it's hard not to feel you're being mean or at least impatient some of the time. I have to try really hard with FIL, who's been through such an awful time, and is either still traumatised by the ordeal or has mentally slowed down a lot. Very likely a bit of both. I don't think I always succeed, and DH certainly doesn't. He still expects his dad to be like his dad. At least your mum can tell you how she's feeling. It sounds as if you have a good relationship on the whole.

Welcome emileford I often feel frustrated and cross and I don’t know why either. I think my DM feels the same - scared and if anything goes wrong it’s so disruptive. My heart breaks for her at times.

( the only 45 single we had when I was little was On a Slow boat To China)

Welcome @EmileFord. None of us know our limits until they’re tested, and even then there are good days and bad. So don’t beat yourself up and compare yourself to anyone else. It sounds like you’ve been through a stressful time yourself supporting your parents. It’s upsetting seeing your parents ill, vulnerable and in hospital. I would also disagree that living with them full time and now visiting three times a week to do their housework is “no pressure”.

also, understandable as your mums anxiety is, it is not your burden to shoulder or try to manage or fix. Your reaction sounds very mild to me as you’ve described it. Are your mum’s doctors aware that she has anxiety that is this severe?

@MereDintofPandiculation you’ve been very quiet. Hope things are not too difficult.