Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thank you for the responses - feeling less "down" now. DahliaMacNamara - we do have a good relationship and she's been just the best mum to me - I think maybe I am scared myself that I'm now the one who has to be in charge.
BestIsWest - it must be so awful for our mums to feel so scared or confused. Emile Ford was mum's favourite - we still listen to an LP of his!
funnelfan - I'll take on board it's not up to me to fix mum's anxiety - I need to accept that. Her Dr isn't aware, no - I think she'd be very reluctant to admit that vulnerability to anyone else.

@EmileFord strokes can change personalities…. Certainly worth raising with gp.
and you are doing loads! Can you get in help? Do they have attendance allowance? Worth considering to fund help. Be kind to yourself.xx

@EmileFord I also agree that going to your mum's three times a week is quite mentally and physically draining.
Please don't beat yourself up over one lapse!

I manage to mostly stay calm with my mum and then vent at my understanding DH. But there are limits. She has a really uncanny ability to ring me during the rare times I’ve mentally assigned “for me”, to tell me about a perceived problem or to want me to do something. Regardless of me already speaking to her that day, or even when DB was staying with her to look after her. Recently she’s rung me when we were on holiday and on a day trip to Iona, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go, while I was contemplating in the Abbey. On a mid week day off I took to do a sewing retreat. At a rare meal out/ date night with DH. When we’re at the football. All multiple calls, which usually means she’s worked up about something and I can’t leave it to call her back later. Each occasion was something that could have waited till the next time I spoke to her - when DB was staying with her she rang me tell me my brother had gone out shopping and she didn’t know when he’d be back - as if I’d be able to tell her!

I must admit on those occasions I’ve showed a bit of irritation and asked her exactly what she wanted me to do at that exact moment. While internally wailing that I can’t have a few hours centring her in my thoughts. Of course, she doesn’t realise so much of my mental load is around her, the carers, the house, the garden, her medical appointments, her shopping - it’s not just the 5 minutes per day we speak on the phone.

sorry that turned into a rant. But I have no idea how she manages to do it.

funnelfan I could have written that. I think it’s the mental load more than anything that gets me down. We had our first trip out of the country for four years last week. By the time I’d sorted out shopping for DM, arranged delivery of prescriptions, rearranged her flu jab, sorted hearing aid batteries, ordered incontinence supplies and given my brother instructions on various other things that she needed, I’d almost gone off the idea of going away.

Halfway through I got two phone calls from social services care and repair dept about fitting handrails for her (I ignored).

The moment our plane touched down back in the UK I got a text from DB saying he needed a chat and as we unloaded our bags he was on the doorstep with a litany of disasters from the week.

I don’t mind the time I spend with her, it’s all the other associated stuff that gets me down.

We were only away for 5 nights…

@BestIsWest i hope you managed to get some kind of break in those 5 days!

i wonder how much is a rod I’ve made for my own back. Saying “don’t worry mum I’ll sort it” to something trivial she’s fretting about seems to have become “funnel will sort it” to everything, big or small.

@funnelfan true, there is that.

We had a wonderful time thanks. Amsterdam. Loved every minute.

@EmileFord depression and anxiety are really common after stroke - I work in a post stroke team and we have a clinical psychologist in the team because of that. It can certainly be treatable. Would your mum accept that you're worried about her and would she see the GP with you for that reason?

Sorry, I've been taking a break. Another thing arose, quite apart from elderly parents, which is causing me immense stress as well as taking a lot of my time. Thanks for thinking of me.

And I'd almost forgot, we both had Covid too, so all good fun.

MIL had a complete personality change after her stroke. Before she was very much a "don't make a fuss" type of person and quite chilled. Now she is really demanding and gets very angry if her orange squash is on the right and water on the left as she wants it the other way round. FIL gave up taking g her out for pub lunches as she started making a big fuss if her choice wasn't served even before the waiter had finished taking all the order.

Hope you’re taking care of yourself @MereDintofPandiculation.

Doing what I can, thanks! Mainly keeping myself very busy so I'm not thinking about what's stressing me, and reading or doing on-line puzzles when I can't sleep. May not be the approved method for taking care of oneself, but it's better than worrying!

Sending good wishes @MereDintofPandiculation. It never rains but it pours.

Thanks. That's so true!

@MereDintofPandiculation so sorry to hear you’re having more major stressful things to deal with. And covid too… you know you’ve got mates here to listen if we can help?

PermanentTemporary - mum was supported by an ESD team with access to a psychologist, but that's stopped now and the anxiety has ramped up over the last couple of weeks (since I stopped overnighting, come to think of it).
Anyway, we've had a chat and I said it's miserable for her to feel so anxious all the time and masking it is just adding stress, and it's not good for my dad to be trying to keep her calm (or me). She's agreed to see her GP without her smiley face.
I'll ring the surgery in the morning (after I've rung the oven repair man!)
Thanks everyone for the support.

Thanks, sandwich. I do indeed know I have friends here, but I've got support in RL too, and keeping my fingers crossed for a solution.

posted in wrong place so deleted

Glad you’ve got a way forward, hope the GP can help.

I did this and it was a large part of why I had a breakdown.

The irony is, a lot of what I did was to get it done without listening to her bang on endlessly about it.

Reducing contact is the best decision I could have made. I still think there's a risk she will get rid of her carers - she said "it's just an added expense for all the things you used to do". But I think she is clear now I won't be doing it again.

You should switch the phone off when you're out enjoying stuff. Now we finally got the bloody keybox fitted after years of me asking, if she presses her emergency button and I'm not available, it's a 999 call. I have my phone on silent at night now.

I let this ruin five years of my life. No more. What a sorry waste of time.

I don't look here much now but if anyone is thinking to step back, I can't recommend it enough. She knows now that another stroke or fall or whatever means carers, not me dropping everything. I will never get that five years back.

I'm not sure what it is I want to say, a rant or just to express my annoyance.
I've been the principal carer (single mum) to my much loved eldest son, who at 30 has just moved into a group house with a couple of housemates. I finally have the freedom of not having to think of him from the moment I wake until I go to bed. My parents have moved country, moved house, travelled and lived well all their lives. As soon as I turned 18 they left for Africa and I have been independent every since. Their plan for aging was for each to look after the other but my DM is showing signs of mental decline and DF is not up to the task being very old school in his attitude about male/female roles. DM has always handled the finances but is spending more than they can afford. I have had to give them a few k just for them to get by. They are in the process of selling up and are about to move close to me. I'm worried that I will be expected to be the dutiful daughter just when I have a glimpse of my own life.

@Dutiful you have done your duty- you deserve freedom. “Expected”- by whom and why?
read these threads to see the damage elderly care can cause. Set your boundaries. Consider counselling to help. manage their expectations.

@Dutiful, well done to your lovely son, to you and his siblings on his achievement.
How frustrating, though, about DParents. Would they go straight to an assisted living style place where they could live simply within their means but safely? I guess you are deciding upon your boundaries right now and how and when you want to enforce?