Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I'm honestly not sure if I'm having a breakdown of some kind

Having twice turned down respite care, mum announced this morning that she feels unwell and would like to go

I was about to head home on the edge of a breakdown myself. I also feel sick but that's probably psychological.

I became completely hysterical - mostly because, if she couldn't have spared me the last few years of dealing with her, she could have at least spared me the last few weeks.

I have left her with a friend in charge and my sister is en route. My sister barely uses a phone, has no idea where her PoA papers even are and no emergency skills.

But I feel so unwell, if I thought a paramedic could give me a valium injection, I'd call them. I'm home now.

Sorry if this isn't the right place to put this.

Oh @EmmaEmerald you poor thing! Your body is telling you ♥
Take care of yourself and let the other people pick up the slack.
At work hence short reply but have a hug from someone who's been there too xx

Hi
Was here for a while under a different username a few months back
Looking nice 👌 😊
Mum continues to be difficult
Just had a week away, though, which was lovely

Back with a bang to:

1. Fire doors at the sheltered accommodation aren't working. This is my fault in some way
2. A couple of her neighbours are very noisy - she point blank refuses to complain (except to me). I've pointed out several times that there is nothing I can do
3. She has stopped using her walking stick (hurts her shoulder), refuses a trolley

A fall is very likely soon

1. A stack of junk mail which is "important" apparently

Taking her to town tomorrow, which should be fun

Cockroach all x

Oh @EmmaEmerald please look after yourself

@EmmaEmerald We understand. Take care of yourself.

@emmaesmeralda

Put your own oxygen mask on first

Take care x

@EmmaEmerald your unconscious self protection mechanisms have kicked in and your brain is trying to protect you from the adrenaline overload. I have a very similar physical reaction when I am very stressed too. I hope you can find a way of letting out/working off all the stress. For me it is lots and lots of sleep. What you are feeling is understandable and imho normal for someone in your situation. Take care.

Your post really resonated today. Its just a very hard thing to see. Sending much love.

@funnelfan agree about the over 50s retiring. I've been able to go part time as DH is still full time. Blowed if I'm giving up my job completely, for all the reasons!
I'm not messing about on the golf course as some seem to think we all are.

@EmmaEmerald step back, look after yourself. You sound really unwell.🌺🌺
and thank you @MereDintofPandiculation for the shiny new thread and sweet peas!

Back from work now @EmmaEmerald and just want to say, please make an appointment with your GP. This has all been more than you can stand, going above and beyond.
Very much hope that you are tucked up under a duvet and having a sleep or at least a proper rest!

@EmmaEmerald I'm so sorry you're struggling.
You need to be ruthless and look after yourself now.
Do go and see your doctor. I've been where you are, and I was prescribed medication and told to REST.

Just go to bed and sleep. Turn your phone off. Your body is telling you it's had enough.

@EmmaEmerald If you were in traction in hospital then everything would have to be someone else's problem because you weren't in a position to do anything. This is no different, you need a break before you snap. Your sister is an adult and will cope, possibly learning some new skills along the way. I have a SIL who learned the value of helplessness from her mother and I have no time for it. Anyone who drives, has had children in school or works is demonstrating that they have admin skills, it might take her some time to get up to speed and she might not do things the way that you would but that doesn't matter.

Hope you feel better soon @EmmaEmerald

Thanks for the new thread and the comforting place to rant/ be sad @MereDintofPandiculation . It helps to drop in here .

Thanks for the support everyone

PS Before I had my meltdown this morning, we talked about getting domestic help in and she said "I don't understand why you need it but as you do, I'll pay for some help".

@EmmaEmerald Take a break, it’s what your body is telling you to do. And it will go on telling you louder and clearer until you do stop (I’ve been there)

Don’t worry if you collapse in a heap once you’ve relinquished your responsibilities (which aren’t actually your responsibilities) - it’s your body saying “ah, thank goodness, I can let go, I don’t have to hold it all together any more” (I’ve done that bit too). Remember, it’s the beginning of the recovery.

@EmmaEmerald please rest/let go. I got to a similar point with my mum two years ago and ended up with amnesia - making the same phone call (to DH fortunately) over and over again. To the point he apparently told me he was leaving work and coming straight home and when he walked in 10 minutes later I couldn't understand why he was there! I spent 8 hours in A&E and thought it was an hour and a half - couldn't understand why it was dark outside! It took me months to get over that. Please look after yourself.

Mere yes, I feel like I might be catching a cold?hairbrush yes, I remember being very worried about you. I can understand why you had amnesia. I was under a different name then I think.

Thanks so much to all for this thread. I think my boyfriend has been shocked by some of the things I've said today but I don't think anyone knows what it's like till they deal with it - and then some people are better suited to it than others.

Thinking of you @EmmaEmerald. Hoping you are resting.

[Looks at gingernuts] Am just tired of my own head going round and round. I never ever expected DM to be alive still, she's beaten all predictions by over a year. And it's not a good thing. She actually said a complete sentence a few weeks ago, characteristically it was negative but mostly to the nursing home staff she just smiles so that's OK.

FIL's longstanding lovely neighbours moved away and I was gutted and afraid, but it turns out he knows his new neighbours from several years ago and they are already bezzies with cups of tea being offered and accepted all round. A miracle. MIL also goes on her very slow decline in her home, talking less and less but still eating. It all seems so pointless but I have to believe he would rather she were alive.

Evening all. I didn't know this place existed but I'm glad I found you.

I have an elderly DM (almost 90) who is effectively the carer for my brother (who has been infantilised and institutionalised by her refusal to get him to do anything at all). They live a long way away from here so I don't get roped in physically very often. All offers of help are usually refused anyway. A third sibling lives close to DM and is feeling the pressure.

SS have recently been involved because the house is, quite frankly, a midden.

But the good news is that it looks as though my mother will actually get around to sorting out a LPA. It's only been about 12 years since I first tried to push the idea. Now an appropriate professional has advised similar, it's a Good Idea. How come ideas are only Good Ones when suggested by other people, even though I may have been suggesting the Exact Same Thing over and over for some time? (See also: getting a cleaner; getting decent lighting in the house; not going for walks on ice; online supermarket shopping; etc etc).

The other recent point of relief is that DMs marbles are intact enough for her to realise that she couldn't continue to drive, so that is one worry fewer.

I'm not looking forward to the next few years.

Someone wrote upthread about how things seem so pointless. And I agree.

Yes. My mum has Taken To Her Bed, and spends most of the day there. She’s comfy, warm, has a TV, proximity to the toilet. Her carers bring her her meals and cups of tea. She sees no reason in getting up or going downstairs unless she really has to - she has a stairlift she’s happy to use so she’s safe to do so, and she can totter about with a stick. But all she wants to do is watch old movies all day. She just exists.

DB and I joke that she is just a slightly less grumpy version of the old lady from ‘Allo ‘Allo (minus the escapees under the bed, but given the way her dementia it’s going, give it time…).

MIL is still in hospital. Pneumonia is responding well to the IV antibiotics but her heart is racing and she is refusing to take the tablets to sort it. DH got cross with her over it when he visited. She hates big tablets, probably finds them difficult to swallow, but apparently these are tiny so it's not that. So DH told her he's not doing a 2 hour round trip every day if she is deliberately staying in hospital.

country is it possible she wants a heart attack to end things?

the pointlessness mentioned above really resonated with me as well.