Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

984 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/07/2023 20:27

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
EmmaEmerald · 13/09/2023 22:02

funnelfan · 13/09/2023 21:46

I’m sorry Emma. I’m guessing that there is no satisfaction whatsoever to be gained from “I told you so”.

No, it's no help.....the sad thing is, it all has all clashed together with mum being ill, and me being ill. I remember there was a very apt meme going round about anti-lockdowners like me experiencing "the longest, saddest "I told you so" ever".

this feels similar. I was never one to get pleasure out of "I told you so". I was very kind to mum of course, but I think my sister was a bit shocked by my words. It does now have to be "my way or the highway" and I have to do that to protect my mental health.

That said, I am now mulling over the legal matter that's come out of the blue, and I suspect it might not be that bad. But mum has got into such a state about it, it reminds me of her dealing with dad's estate. She was so stressed by the legalities and admin, she had frequent panic attacks. She wouldn't let me deal with it and the solicitor's bill was eye watering - but it was only then she realised I could have halved that bill.

I know a lot of us cry over irrational stuff and panic over irrational stuff but she is going to make herself really ill. I think the best thing may be to wait and see what happens but I think she will chase after legal advice to make herself feel better. But this time, as PoA, it will us taking the stress. She won't be able to understand a solicitor now.

We are awaiting the results of her brain MRI. I find dealing with her the most stressful part of it all, so if it comes up with a result that can make us her representatives without any input from her, that would be useful but I doubt it will come to that.

she had twice daily carers but has now cancelled the evening one which is a shame. But she has capacity, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/09/2023 10:57

I've had a call from the home. Mum is "unresponsive". They called the ambulance and I spoke to the paramedic. She is not showing any signs of distress but her heart is doing weird things. I had said I didn't want any treatment to prolong her life but the GP has said she needs to go into hospital because this change is unexpected and she wasn't on an end of life plan.

So I'm waiting for an hour or so for her to be booked in to hospital then I will phone and go up and visit her.

I am strangely peaceful and organised but I wish she could know about her great grandson who was born yesterday.

RuthTopp · 15/09/2023 11:09

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Sorry about your mum, if you do get to see her in hospital still tell her about her new ggs, you never know she might still be able to hear especially a voice she knows and loves.
Congratulations for a new grandson for you.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/09/2023 11:20

Thank you. I was about to walk out the door to get a photo printed for her when the nurse phoned.

Mum5net · 15/09/2023 12:07

Keep those peaceful thoughts @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere.

thesandwich · 15/09/2023 15:00

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere congratulations on your grandson, and sending strength for what lies ahead.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/09/2023 15:52

I got to the hospital and waited quite a while because they were working on her then saw her lying in the bed looking more dead than alive. We chatted and told her and about the baby. She muttered a bit then I told her the names and she repeated each one after me and recognised FiL's name and said she was glad. Now we have two grandsons each named after a grandfather. She kept saying "Wow, that's lovely!" So she is waiting on an assessment from SALT then she will be back at the home in time for bed!

So I will keep to my plans for the weekend and my cousin will be available to visit at a moment's notice.

countrygirl99 · 15/09/2023 15:55

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere they put you through it don't they.

BestIsWest · 15/09/2023 16:42

What an emotional rollercoaster @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere.

Congratulations on the new grandson.

EmmaEmerald · 15/09/2023 20:20

hairbrush I feel for you. Rollercoasters are shit.

is it time to put an EOL care plan in place? I don't know when that's allowed to be a consideration. They waited till the last possible second for my dad. He looked so dead, I actually apologised to his ward companions and explained I was trying to get him in a hospice.

i have had a lovely day out with bestie, who is now really struggling with the elderly parent problem, but seems to have learned from my experience and is being very strict, I wasn't so strict at this early stage.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/09/2023 22:22

The roller coaster is real! We were told at the hospital that mum was just very dozy, they were cutting down on the new drug and expecting it to work out of her system. Tonight we had a long standing plans to go out with family (DS and DDiL had travelled home 60 miles to come out with us tonight) but before leaving the house I rang the home to check that mum had got back to see when we could visit tomorrow. Apparently there is no talk of mum being discharged. She has had a stroke and is completely unresponsive.

So tomorrow I have to ring the hospital and find out where she is so we can visit. But whatever happens I have to go away on Sunday to meet my grandson.

I honestly can't see her coming back from this. She has no quality of life as it is, if she can only use one finger, she can't talk, it's so cruel.

EmmaEmerald · 15/09/2023 23:11

hairbrush do you mind if I ask your mum's age?

Juneday · 16/09/2023 09:14

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere so sorry to hear about the rollercoaster time, I hope you have a calmer day today whatever it brings.

Enjoy your lovely hugs with your new grandson tomorrow.

Nodancingshoes · 16/09/2023 11:37

I've been missing in action for a few weeks - been away on holiday. Nan is punishing me for that now that's for sure....Even though my sister went in every day whilst I was away, sometimes twice, that wasn't good enough. Things had got a lot better, she was much more positive and getting up and about more. She's taken a leap back now though and we are back to her wanting to die and making everyone's life a misery (sorry if that sounds harsh). Sending strength to all that need it xx

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/09/2023 13:27

@EmmaEmerald mum is nearly 87. I have had it in my head that she is older than that! Getting confused with my MiL who is nearly 89.

I do not like roller coasters. I eventually got hold of A&E this morning. There is no evidence that she has had a stroke! She is more or less unresponsive but they did wake her up and she ate porridge and drank 150ml of water. They have no reason to keep her in but she may have to stay for a while until there is transport available to take her back to the home. She is completely immobile so she needs the ambulance crew to move her. I wish she hadn't been taken to hospital.

Mum5net · 16/09/2023 15:34

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere My DM equally frail got moved when we weren't expecting her to leave care home. Paramedic called me from care home and said DM had to go hospital for her comfort. Found out later DM needed oxygen and care home couldn't provide. DM passed in ambulance. It's hard when unexpected interventions change what you are anticipating Flowers

EmmaEmerald · 16/09/2023 15:57

hairbrush I'm so sorry about all this. I know the final time dad was admitted to hospital, they then wanted to move him to a more specialist place further away. I was literally weeping with the stress of thinking I'd have to travel further. luckily they decided against it.

Honestly, as a society we really need to have better conversations about medical interventions and EOL.

Nodancingshoes I hope you had a good holiday? I might go on one myself, haven't done that since 2017.

PermanentTemporary · 16/09/2023 18:24

Oh hairbrush. I'm afraid I think that was a dreadful decision by the GP. If you feel up to it I would have a discussion at some point with the GP about avoiding hospital admission and why she isn't on a palliative pathway (prioritising symptom control abd comfort) even if she isn't actively dying.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/09/2023 21:53

@PermanentTemporary I hadn't thought of that. I guess it is because she is with a new surgery and I don't know her GP. Our surgery doesn't cover the area where she is now even though it is only a few miles away.

Lookingforasilverlining · 19/09/2023 20:51

Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me jumping. My mother has some serious health issues (copd, heart failure and MS) and on a palliative care path way - although I don’t really under what this means. She is currently in hospital after breaking her leg a few hours after an unsafe discharge. She is now bedbound and this is realistically unlikely to change. This morning the hospital couldn’t wake her and had to give her glucose for low sugar. They currently suspect her kidneys aren’t working and it fits her symptoms of no appetite, barely having a few mouthfuls a day and vomiting.

Including the original hospital admission she’s been in hospital for nearly 6 weeks and I’m mentally exhausted.

MotherOfCatBoy · 19/09/2023 21:37

That sounds hard @Lookingforasilverlining, sorry to hear that.
Cant comment on the pathway as haven’t experienced it but I think it means they will make sure she is comfortable but won’t try to “cure” those things.
Hope you have support around you Flowers

PermanentTemporary · 20/09/2023 06:43

Hello @Lookingforasilverlining 6 weeks sounds completely draining.

Have you been able to leave a message with the ward and speak to a nurse or doctor who can explain what the palliative care pathway means in her case?

But more to the point, how much visiting are you doing? You must be exhausted. I hope you can take rests x

TheShellBeach · 20/09/2023 10:55

@Lookingforasilverlining were you caring for your mother at home, prior to her hospital admission?
She sounds very unwell.
I'm not surprised you're drained. Ask one of the nurses to explain the palliative care pathway to you, specifically as it applies to your mother.
Are there any other family members around who you can talk to?

Lookingforasilverlining · 20/09/2023 13:05

@MotherOfCatBoy yes, I think it’s essential that. A doctor in A and E did discuss ceiling of care and to be honest it was higher than I expected.

@PermanentTemporary I feel like every time I go in I’m fire fighting a new issue asking about Pneumonia or blister on her heel. I’m now down to visiting 3 times a week, calling my Dad daily and popping in once a week on him. My sister would like me to do more but that’s a whole other story. I’m tired of not knowing to expect when I visit and my young kids are upset that Daddy is doing more bedtimes.

@TheShellBeach Mum was at home with Dad caring for her but the reality was it was too much for Dad which they were both refusing to accept. My sister is around but we have a tricky relationship where whatever I do isn’t enough and then if I do something she does more, sometimes unnecessary and unhelpful things to show she is doing more.

Juneday · 20/09/2023 14:07

@Lookingforasilverlining sorry to hear and it sounds emotionally exhausting, I think until you have been there people under estimate the toll this takes. Also worrying to hear that a discharge that likely was too early or ill advised caused latest fall but it is a sadly familiar story. 🙁. I hope the visiting hours are working for you, and try and ignore instructions from other family. and that you get answered . Some hospitals have specialist geriatricians who oversee elderly patients but how and when referrals are made seems a bit hit and miss. Don’t be worried about asking lots of questions, ask what you need for your own peace of mind.