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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

984 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/07/2023 20:27

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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Mum5net · 30/10/2023 07:08

@Nodancingshoes she may have said it but ten minutes later, also said the complete reverse. Sadly, dementia turns the kindest souls into truly opinionated characters and masters of direct commentary.
@countrygirl99 so tough for all

Nodancingshoes · 30/10/2023 07:28

Thanks all. She doesn't have dementia - she is as sharp as they come. I work full time and have 2 teens who still need me (more than ever sometimes!) My Dsis runs her own business and has 4 kids. Between us we are seeing her most days. I am also perimenopausal and its a struggle to get through the working week! I've tried not to let her comments get to me but obviously they have!

Nodancingshoes · 30/10/2023 07:32

@countrygirl99 I am so sorry to hear this. It must be so hard to see her in such pain when all anyone wants for her is peace and dignity. It's a sad state of affairs when animals are treated more humanly than people. Sending love x

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 30/10/2023 09:52

@Nodancingshoes all my mum wanted was for me to be in the same room as her 24/7. As well as being on call all day and night I spent hours with her every day. I would go to her late morning, watch tv and give her lunch. Then late afternoon I would spend another hour with her and once dinner was cooked I would leave DH to eat on his own and I would be with her again for another three hours or so. This was in addition to answering ten calls a day to take her to the toilet/pick up her hanky/pour her a drink/change the channel on the tv. And then one evening when my son phoned while I was with her. Not wanting her to feel excluded I had the call on speaker so all three of us could chat. But she sat with her head in her hands crying about how lonely she felt. You are never going to meet your grandmother's wants, only her needs, and I am sure the carers were not intending for you or your sister to feel that way. You are doing so much already. Don't let guilt get you down.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 30/10/2023 11:05

thesandwich · 29/10/2023 19:01

@Nodancingshoes Im sorry- yes the carer perhaps shouldn’t have told you- but at least you know what she’s thinking. Dm became increasingly self focussed- in preservation mode, as she became more dependent on care, and more selfish. Very common I think. Please try not to be upset- and try and have as pleasant time as possible with her. And look after yourself.

Yes, that’s a good point. It does get very scary as you lose your ability to do things and start being dependent on other people for the smallest things. I’m beginning to worry about lightbulbs with my fear of heights. Once I need people to help me get a drink, go to the toilet, etc, i imagine my headspace will be full of my own needs, nit much space for others.

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TheIoWfairy · 30/10/2023 12:33

@Nodancingshoes I wonder if the message relayed by the carer perhaps contains more of her own opinions than your nan's? People are very sometimes judgmental without fully understanding the facts, as we bad daughters know too well!

countrygirl99 · 30/10/2023 15:14

DH has had the "come now" call from the care home. Please let her suffering be over soon.

TheShellBeach · 30/10/2023 15:30

@countrygirl99 I hope with all my heart that her suffering will be over soon.

funnelfan · 30/10/2023 19:08

countrygirl99 · 30/10/2023 15:14

DH has had the "come now" call from the care home. Please let her suffering be over soon.

Wishing both your MiL and your DH their respective peace. And to you and your family too.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 30/10/2023 19:58

Thinking of you and your DH @countrygirl99

thesandwich · 30/10/2023 20:01

Thinking of you and your family @countrygirl99

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 30/10/2023 20:49

All the best @countrygirl99 for your family and sending hugs xx

PermanentTemporary · 30/10/2023 21:05

@countrygirl99 hoping for peace for you all.

Juneday · 30/10/2023 22:16

@countrygirl99 my thoughts are with you.

countrygirl99 · 31/10/2023 07:57

Thanks everyone. She's still with us but asleep most of the time. DH is exhausted but I need to go to mum's this evening to fill her pivotell and try to persuade her she needs a cleaner. Thankfully we made sure we had plenty of batch cooked meals in the freezer evening it means we live on nothing but spag bol and chilli for a week.

DahliaMacNamara · 31/10/2023 13:35

I hope it's peaceful for your MIL and DH, @countrygirl99. And that you get your mum round to your way of thinking later.

MotherOfCatBoy · 31/10/2023 21:34

Sending hugs and energy for all you have to face @countrygirl99

countrygirl99 · 01/11/2023 09:37

MIL is still with us. DH is exhausted. Conversation with mum didn't go at all well. She doesn't seem to see the dirt and insists she cleans daily and couldn't possibly countenance the intrusion of a cleaner. She clearly hasn't cleaned her loo and bathroom for weeks 🤢. She's never cleaned everywhere daily in her life and was happy to have a cleaner when she worked.

thesandwich · 01/11/2023 18:48

@countrygirl99 so sorry that was hard with dm- but please choose your battles, and try and conserve your energy. 🌺🌺

Newmum738 · 01/11/2023 21:50

DM has renewed her home insurance today and DH asked me if we should let the insurer know about the dementia. Does anyone have experience of this?

BishyBarnyBee · 01/11/2023 21:59

Is this the right place to ask for advice? FIL died in Dec after very tough 18 months with dementia. MIL (85) understandably coped very badly and was very distressed and agitated a lot of the time. 10 months on, she is physically much better but I'm seeing lots of confusion that feels very ominous to me.

She went to the doctor in May, was told memory problems are a natural part of ageing. She says frequently how glad she is that she doesn't have dementia. But we were there this weekend and she was baffled by small practical tasks - putting things into her handbag was a total performance and took many attempts. More worryingly, she read something out to me then read the same paragraph again. Later, she told me she'd never told anyone this before and told me the story of FIL death which she has told many people many times.

Her children might be in denial, I think, because what they went through with FIL was so rough. She lives alone but has v supportive friends and neighbours.

My question is, is there any point in talking to her about what I've noticed and encouraging her to go back to the doctor? Or is she best muddling through and staying independent until things get worse or there is some kind of crisis that brings things to a head?

I almost can't bear to raise it with my poor husband, I can see the despair in his eyes when she is in a state and I think he's just trying to think about it as little as possible because it's so upsetting to face up to.

Any thoughts?

Newmum738 · 01/11/2023 22:22

@BishyBarnyBee it sounds like it could be dementia to me. I would say she shouldn't go to the go about this by herself because she will tell them she is fine and nothing will happen. As for whether you should encourage her to get a diagnosis, as hard as it is and as much as it is nicer not to know, she and the family can access more support if she has a diagnosis. When things get hard, it is also likely to be less frustrating for the family. As awful as it is, my DM and I are better off for having her dementia diagnosed. Good luck!

TucSandwich · 01/11/2023 22:43

I'd say not to overestimate the support you can access after a dementia diagnosis. In my experience it's easier to get AA, and that's it.

Newmum738 · 02/11/2023 06:02

@TucSandwich that's still up to £400 a month. My DM now has a council tax exemption and we are lucky to have an admiral nurse from the Royal British Legion. You can obviously access support from Dementia Uk, Alzheimer's and Age UK specifically for dementia if you know it is that. There might be someone eligible for carer's allowance and I get an allowance following my carer's assessment. You can get priority access to the GP for the carer and the individual. I've had counselling from Cruse because it's a living bereavement and the fact that I get less frustrated because I know she is unwell. I work for a charity so have good awareness of what's available. I know it would be good to have more direct care support but there is lots of support available for the family.

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