Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Joining in this thread, first time. Mum terminally ill but still currently very lucid and wanting to control everything. All super positive until someone questions something she says then it's all us being too sensitive... Questions ATM about how much she's spending and whether money should all be in one place (very aware that sounds like inheritance chasing and that's not it at all). She's also being very rude and intolerant of my brother who is busting a gut trying to be helpful. Sigh. Interesting to hear about everyone else's situation.

We've had quite a good couple of weeks. I may have become a bit complacent and smug that everything was under control, but of course this was never going to be the case...

Went to put up mum's Christmas tree yesterday and do some tidying. Threw away 7 bin bags full of crap and made it cheerful. Then discovered that my disabled sibling and mum had been hiding letters... all financial ones meaning massive headaches for me to sort out. Absolute shit show. Finally got away and mum's last words to me were 'are you going to take me home or is one of the other ladies?'

Then had a call today to say mum had somehow managed to stand up and tried to go to the toilet on her own. Had ended up sitting on sleeping sibling who had woken up and pushed mum onto the floor. Nightmare.

@Opal8 that's a lot of work going to doctors appointments...and sounds like more coming. Good news though.

@33goingon64 your poor brother. I'm trying to untangle something financial that ought to be simple at the moment, and my goodness it's a headache. At least I have poa, but it's a huge challenge actually using it.

@freshcarnation oh no! Is your mum ok?

@MereDintofPandiculation.. I had heard of this famous cafe and wondered how to find it..and here it is! Please may i join?
Thank you

@PermanentTemporary a grazed face but no broken bones this time thank goodness

@BooseysMom No permission required! Come on in and make yourself at home, pour yourself a drink and help yourself to cakes and biscuits.

No judgement here Boosey just a lot of support and people who can hold your coat while you rant / offload as needed.

Hello to everyone I haven't met before.

I had a dream about mum last night and woke up feeling that sick sense of dread at the thought of running round like a headless chicken then the sense of peace from knowing she's no longer my responsibility.

I saw her on Tuesday this week and she was much happier than she has been before. She needs to know how I spend my time every day because she starts phoning me from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed and I never answer. She has no phone! She also thinks she might be home in time for her birthday (next week) and if not then surely by Christmas. I just make soothing noises and tell her to keep doing her exercises, that everything is ready for when she is strong enough whilst seeing her mobility and ability fade each week.

I just make soothing noises and tell her to keep doing her exercises, that everything is ready for when she is strong enough whilst seeing her mobility and ability fade each week.

That must be tough, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't envy you waking up and realising you are less responsible for her now.

I woke up to a message from mum saying her arm was looking really bruised and could I go round and look at it and tell her what to do...

It's purple from her wrist to about 3 inches above the elbow, which itself is very red and painful and the skin is tight.

Spoke to the paramedic practitioner who treated her on Tuesday and have GP appt at 2.15.

So that's 2 days this week I've had plans (admittedly nothing exciting, just catching up with my own stuff) that have had to be shelved, although it clearly needs looking at so glad she didn't leave it.

I'm dreading the possibility that she might have to be admitted for IV antibiotics...she's terrible about hospitals. And of course they allow visiting now...(straight to the bad daughter's bench for me!)

More drama re L last night...at least the elbow has superceded that.

And of course they allow visiting now. not everywhere. Had to take DH to A&E on Monday and no visitors allowed. Since there was also no phone reception, that was a long evening! (He’s fine now)

Mere.. thank you for your lovely welcome

@notaflyingmonkey.. thank you, that's very kind. I have already had lots of great advice on the elderly parents thread so will stay here a while to listen to people and grab a coffee!

minty move our way, strictly no visiting. They only lifted restrictions for a couple of weeks late October before bringing them back again.

Believe me, I appreciate every moment of not being responsible. I have no regrets, no guilt. Someone a while back maybe the previous thread or the one before that, said something about looking at her from a detached perspective and I didn't really understand but now I do. I feel sad for her in a way that I would for anyone who is sad and confused and is asking me for help but still the sense of relief.

Minty - hope you get on ok at the GP and whatever course of action he recommends does not cause you more hassle and difficulty.

Well apparently the bruising is down to the infection causing a blood vessel to break and that's been exacerbated by the fact she's on bloodthinners.

He reckons keep taking the ABs and hopefully it should clear up but if she becomes unable to move it ot the entire arm goes purple we need to go to A & E.

Now back and trying to sort out some stuff relating to their house and the Land Registry in the wake of Dad's death. She's trying to fill in the forms herself but there's a couple of bits of strange wording she seems to think I can translate....erm nope.

So I'm here overnight tonight, get away when I can tomorrow and then back Saturday as have booster Sunday and want to just mooch at home afterwards...can't come soon enough tbh.

I suppose it's probably weird/selfish but I find all this so much more draining to deal with than dad with his physical difficulties.

If mum hadn't been around I could have cared for dad 24/7. I suppose the difference is he really needed the care I was giving, did as he was advised and seemed to appreciate it much of the time.

Whilst mum absolutely does need some support, t's hard not to feel a lot of her 'needs' are actually attention seeking and wanting to be molly coddled. She never does as she's advised, even when it's for her own good, and rarely shows any understanding on the impact on my life or appreciation.

Mum sorted the land registry forms herself. I'd looked at them and given up, she rang them up and they talked her through them.

I fared better once I realised that sometimes people don't want advice, they just want a moan. I was giving my carefully researched advice that was then ignored and I felt bad. Once I realised that mum really didn't want anything to change and wasn't looking for any advice I could step back to being a listener.

Minty that sounds painful for her, I hope the anitbiotics take effect before it gets any worse.

Thanks Knot. She's OK in herself and I am mollycoddling her a bit tonight .

Great suggestion about calling the Land Registry. I spoke to them when we got the letter and they were really helpful.

How are you doing?

[quote PermanentTemporary]@Opal8 that's a lot of work going to doctors appointments...and sounds like more coming. Good news though.

@33goingon64 your poor brother. I'm trying to untangle something financial that ought to be simple at the moment, and my goodness it's a headache. At least I have poa, but it's a huge challenge actually using it.

@freshcarnation oh no! Is your mum ok?[/quote]
Yeah it's been busy!
She phoned me earlier (I told her I was on a teams interview panel so couldn't answer...)
Anyway, uro gynaecology have fitted her in next Wednesday for an appointment.
She needs to get her bladder prolapse repaired but I think I'm fighting a losing battle on that one

@MintyCedric

I suppose it's probably weird/selfish but I find all this so much more draining to deal with than dad with his physical difficulties.

If mum hadn't been around I could have cared for dad 24/7. I suppose the difference is he really needed the care I was giving, did as he was advised and seemed to appreciate it much of the time.

Whilst mum absolutely does need some support, t's hard not to feel a lot of her 'needs' are actually attention seeking and wanting to be molly coddled. She never does as she's advised, even when it's for her own good, and rarely shows any understanding on the impact on my life or appreciation.

Your last paragraph is my mum to a T

I'm feeling quite fed up really
Dh is away in the US til Saturday
I'm taking mum out for breakfast tomorrow
Then she'll come here for lunch on Sunday
Then hospital visit next week (which is a nightmare for parking)
It's no use but I just wish my siblings did just small things with her occasionally
I know she's hard work, I know she's tiring but she's nearly 76 and lonely
I got flu a few years ago and was really ill. I didn't see mum in almost 3 weeks...she hadn't seen anyone in that time.
My siblings live closer to her than I do...
Sigh.

Oh!
And at the Dr's yesterday she told the Dr
"I think this is all related to the bladder prolapse"
🙄🙄🙄😬😬😬
She's been denying it could be the issue for months!
Arghhhhhhhhhh

(Deep breaths)

Oh Opal that sucks.

In some ways I'm glad I don't have siblings.

It's easy to see them through rose tinted glasses when you're an only, but it always seems to be left to one child, or else everyone wants to get involved and clashes.

It might be hard work but I'm grateful I'm not having to deal with that.

I understand @MintyCedric

I might as well be an only child tbh :(

I’ve had endless phone calls this week about the electricity and the gas fire not working. To be fair there have been several power cuts but I don’t have the power to bring them to an end. Doesn’t help that her fuse box is out of the ark, the old fashioned type that needs fuse wire. She also kept turning the community alarm off instead of the Christmas tree lights so I was getting calls from them at 11 pm as she was turning them off before bed.

Her gas fire wouldn’t light tonight so I had to dash up there - by the time I got there she had lit it. It needs replacing but to do so means replacing the boiler as it’s a unit and they no longer make that type...we’ve had it fixed four times since dad died.
Came home and decided to get the gas fitter and electrician in to replace the lot.

DH getting annoyed because she won’t think of ringing my brother about any of this ‘He’s working’ or ‘He’s away in the caravan’.
I am also working but because I WFH she disregards this and considers it less important than DBs job. It’s not.

I took her and two friends to their Christmas Lunch for a group they belong to this morning and was listening to her telling them all about it. It’s clear she relishes the drama. Attention seeking perhaps.

Sorry bad daughter rant over and I will now go back and catch up on the thread.