Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Lurker here. Reading you all having the same challenges as me is simultaneously comforting and a bit depressing. @BestIsWest there are 5 of us siblings/step siblings altogether. Mostly all within an hour to two hours away but in various different directions. During a recent crisis, when we struggled to get carers, I was there the most, and did 90% of the organising. Two others stepped up when I lost the plot. One had to be press-ganged into spending an hour with his dad, who he’d probably last seen at least 6 months ago. Apparently he “struggles to cope with the fact he has dementia”. Good job the rest of us don’t have such struggles, eh? And one was completely absent. She lives the furthest away, but we’re talking a couple of hours, not the other side of the country. People in the US drive further to go to dinner. I still remember how furious I was when I suggested to my mum that she might come down one weekend, instead of the rest of us. “But she’s so far away!” I’m not asking her to bloody move in, just, you know, visit her dad once in a while, and perhaps particularly at a time when he really needs it. Anyway. Deep breaths. Maybe the two of them have got it right. They’ll probably come out of this with their sanity in tact.

I am also solver of all things, despite also working 4 days a week and having two small children. Issues with council tax? Ring OhPlease, not her brother. Internet not working? Me. Curtain rail broken? Ask OhPlease if her DH can fix it. Ditto the printer, and the TV. My sister in law, by the way, is at home full time, and last time I checked my brother was capable of working a telly. It’s infuriating!

@OhPleaseJustLast

Lurker here. Reading you all having the same challenges as me is simultaneously comforting and a bit depressing. *@BestIsWest* there are 5 of us siblings/step siblings altogether. Mostly all within an hour to two hours away but in various different directions. During a recent crisis, when we struggled to get carers, I was there the most, and did 90% of the organising. Two others stepped up when I lost the plot. One had to be press-ganged into spending an hour with his dad, who he’d probably last seen at least 6 months ago. Apparently he “struggles to cope with the fact he has dementia”. Good job the rest of us don’t have such struggles, eh? And one was completely absent. She lives the furthest away, but we’re talking a couple of hours, not the other side of the country. People in the US drive further to go to dinner. I still remember how furious I was when I suggested to my mum that she might come down one weekend, instead of the rest of us. “But she’s so far away!” I’m not asking her to bloody move in, just, you know, visit her dad once in a while, and perhaps particularly at a time when he really needs it. Anyway. Deep breaths. Maybe the two of them have got it right. They’ll probably come out of this with their sanity in tact.

I'm sorry. It's particularly upsetting because before dad died my siblings and their dc were always at their house. My sisters dc haven't visited mum once in her flat...she's been there over a year! They only live just down the Hill... Both my siblings live nearer mum than I do! But mum makes excuses for them all the time... "They work" "They have dc" Erm....???? And???... I remember once I (foolishly) asked mum if sister could do an errand instead of me - omg! She furiously told me that "x has her boys to think of!" I have 2 boys too :( Sigh I have my line in the sand and I won't cross it. I have POA. She wasn't a great mum tbh 😕 maybe that's why I struggle so much

Thats bloody hard @Opal8. My mum was the best - the best Mum I could have had, and i also feel I kind of got the best of her, we were always in tune in a way that wasn't quite the same for my bro and sister. It does make stepping up now a damn sight easier.

A line in the sand seems like a good idea, to be honest, I think I need to work on boundaries more. I was being only partly flippant/bitter when I said maybe my uninvolved siblings had the right idea. I mean, I still think they could show their faces a bit more, but they are under no more obligation to try to ‘fix’ things than I am. Or should that be, I’m under no more obligation than them.

@OhPleaseJustLast

A line in the sand seems like a good idea, to be honest, I think I need to work on boundaries more. I was being only partly flippant/bitter when I said maybe my uninvolved siblings had the right idea. I mean, I still think they could show their faces a bit more, but they are under no more obligation to try to ‘fix’ things than I am. Or should that be, I’m under no more obligation than them.

I won't do intimate personal care I won't stay overnight unless it's an emergency (no other bedroom anyway) I won't sacrifice myself on the alter of good daughter martyrdom I'm going out with mum and sibs next Thursday for afternoon tea - my sisters idea but who had to organise it!? 🙄 Ugh

I'm afraid I've not put much effort into my sisters secret santa 🤣🤣

My mum was a mixture.

She was fabulous when I was child, but once I got to the stage of having my opinions and wanting to be more independent the issues started, although it's only as I've gotten older I've realised how much impact that's had on my life.

She's always been very supportive practically, but I find the emotional neediness utterly draining.

I don't remember her ever even hugging me

She couldn't even tell me I looked nice on my wedding day :(

I must have told this one before. I'd done MIL's shopping, fixed things that weren't broken, sorted out the sulking Sky box and I was on my way out of the door when she called me back with "It's a good drying day, you could just change the sheets on my bed". I'd been there for hours and I'd had enough so I pointed out that her daughter was coming the next day and she could change the sheets (if I'd known she was coming she could have done all the other things too but no-one thought I needed to know). She was absolutely taken aback, "well I don't think (daughter) could manage THAT". When asked who she thought had been changing the sheets on her daughter's bed for the last thirty years it all went quiet. My role was very clearly she-who-does while the rest of the family made social calls.

@MintyCedric I'm doing ok. The death certificates arrived in the post today so I can busy myself with admin. I have the excuse of being able to do nothing in the house until I'm officially the administrator of the estate, I secured the valuables early in the year in my attorney role. It remains to be seen whether I will feel any better about clearing out wardrobes in my new role.

Oh bless you knot. I couldn't believe how much admin there was for the funeral alone. I hope you've got some support and you're managing to have a break from it all.

Opal that's horrible...no wondering you're finding it difficult. Take care of yourself.

I agree that this is all the more draining when one's parent hasn't been the greatest. My parent has always been extremely difficult and is now, frankly, in another league. As you say, boundaries are key, but after many decades of being pandered to, my parent doesn't recognise or respect them.

She's coming here for Xmas day (I'll be on the prosecco pretty early ....)
I had hoped my sister might have her but...nope.
My brother always (20 years +) goes to his pils
In fact, mum is making noises about not seeing my sister at all on Xmas day and seeing her Xmas eve instead (which is fine as I am staying at home on Xmas eve)
I assume my sister will be with her bf on Xmas day.
I'm taking mum for breakfast today. Bit we hsve to walk as I forgot ds1 has the car so I'm preparing myself for her cancelling. It's not far but she's not keen on walking anywhere atm

Good luck Opal.

I'll be staying here on 23rd then making an early escape on Christmas Eve to spend the day and evening with DD.

Haven't told mum yet, or broken the news that I'm planning to go out on New Year's Eve...

knot sorry by the way, had not seen your update. So much admin.

DM is coming here for Christmas Lunch then round to my DB for teatime. We’ve done this for the last 21 years and its worked well.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my DM, she and my DF were wonderful parents and grandparents but I can’t be there all the time. The guilt is tremendous though. I pass the cemetery where DF is buried on the way to her house and often drive through and park next to his grave for a few moments and ask his advice. Nothing forthcoming as of yet.

Mum on quite good form actually
Just been to the cemetery to see dad
I miss him so much

I'll go and watch strictly with her tomorrow night
She'll come here on Sunday for lunch
I might try and have Monday "off"

Yeah, it seems that either you can be an only and get on and do it all, and make all the decisions. Or you can have siblings and get on and do it all, but have fight siblings all the way over the simplest decision. Im glad I’m an only.

I-took her and two friends to their Christmas Lunch for a group they belong to this morning and was listening to her telling them all about it. It’s clear she relishes the drama. Attention seeking perhaps. No, just that her boundaries have shrunk, and this is a real excitement in-her life.

OhPlease I suppose, if her TV could be sorted by anyone, it’s a demonstration that her skills are below 99% of the population. Asking for your DH is a way of saying “I’m perfectly capable of coping on my own, but this is so complicated DB couldn’t fix it, so there’s no shame on me not fixing it”

Don’t think my mum ever hugged me. Can only once remember kissing her, and that was in her coffin. But in the fulness of time what I remember is how much fun we had together. She did her best, I think most of us try to. We try hard not to make the mistakes of our parents, and make a whole lot of new mistakes of our own

I-took her and two friends to their Christmas Lunch for a group they belong to this morning and was listening to her telling them all about it. It’s clear she relishes the drama. Attention seeking perhaps. No, just that her boundaries have shrunk, and this is a real excitement in-her life.

Yes you are right of course @MereDintofPandiculation

@MereDintofPandiculation

How do you manage to stay so kind and so patient?

I just want to rage/cry constantly.

Managed to fit in my third jab this morning and was planning to takenit easy this afternoon but now off to OOH with mum and her arm again.

I have a horrible feeling they might admit her.

[quote MintyCedric]@MereDintofPandiculation

How do you manage to stay so kind and so patient?

I just want to rage/cry constantly.

Managed to fit in my third jab this morning and was planning to takenit easy this afternoon but now off to OOH with mum and her arm again.

I have a horrible feeling they might admit her.[/quote]
I'm sorry @MintyCedric

Maybe it might be good of she's admitted? She'll get the medical attention she needs plus if there IS cognitive decline it will be flagged up?

You could do with a rest. I'm sure your mum has friends who could visit if necessary? Are they allowing visiting where you are? They aren't here.

I'm waiting for dh to arrive home
His flight was delayed by 2 hours
I'm going to mums later to watch strictly...it gives up something to talk about

@MereDintofPandiculation I’m finding it quite hard and I miss the fun times we had together. At this time of year we’d always have a big shopping trip, together with my aunt when she was alive, to a big city. We’d go by coach or train and have a lovely lunch with wine. In recent years it was just the local town with lunch at an Italian. Last year of course it didn’t happen. This year we managed a short wander around M&S and tea in their cafe. I loved those trips, we’d done them since I was little.

Thanks Opal

She's mildly phobic about hospitals so will create all kinds of drama if she's admitted.

We've been waiting for 15 minutes and she's already whipped her mask off to eat a packet of crisps, whinged about the waiting time and started on a rant about she feels like she's abroad because there are no English doctors.

Thankfully her mask is muffling most of it.