Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@whatever45 Even if you see the end coming it's still hard. Try to take care of yourself, regular meals and all that.

Was allowed in to see DM last night. She in a deep sleep that I couldn't manage to rouse her from. Nurse said she'd been put on a drip as she isn't eating or drinking, and that they use a hoist to get her out of bed once a day to put her in the chair - but that they are working towards a discharge date of 19 Jan. God knows how, or where they intend to discharge her to.

She is a shell. I know this is early days, but if is the level of her recovery, god help her. Nobody, but nobody would want to live that life.

I'm sorry @notaflyingmonkey It's shocking isn't it when our loved ones drop another level.

@notaflyingmonkey

Was allowed in to see DM last night. She in a deep sleep that I couldn't manage to rouse her from. Nurse said she'd been put on a drip as she isn't eating or drinking, and that they use a hoist to get her out of bed once a day to put her in the chair - but that they are working towards a discharge date of 19 Jan. God knows how, or where they intend to discharge her to.

She is a shell. I know this is early days, but if is the level of her recovery, god help her. Nobody, but nobody would want to live that life.

I'm sorry to hear that :(

Where on earth are they intending to discharge her to!?

I won't see mum today as we've got a new bed being delivered and have had to chop the old divan up and will be going to the tip later...in the pouring rain 😫
Then need to put new frame together

So I've got the guilts 🙄

I took her out for breakfast yesterday. She seems OK atm

@notaflyingmonkey I am sorry but bear in mind that it's harder for you than it is for her because she's not aware of her present condition nor worried about the future. There's a world of difference between working towards a date of the 19th and actually being discharged then, this is very much someone else's problem.

@notaflyingmonkey I’m so sorry. But as @Knotaknitter says it is harder for you than her. 🌺🌺🌺
Could you look at some nursing homes you would be happy for her to go to? Does she have a sw?
All you can do is arm yourself with info. And please look after you.

@notaflyingmonkey

I'm so sorry. It's awful seeing them like that I know, and a worry for you re the discharge date they're proposing, but as knot says, that really is something the hospital will have to deal with.

Take care.

Thanks all.

I spent about four hours cleaning her house today, and only stopped because I filled the bins. Her increased incontinence meant that it was pretty grim going. I'm aiming for a hot shower and an early night to try and shift my tension headache.

Tomorrow is another day.

@notaflyingmonkey

Thanks all.

I spent about four hours cleaning her house today, and only stopped because I filled the bins. Her increased incontinence meant that it was pretty grim going. I'm aiming for a hot shower and an early night to try and shift my tension headache.

Tomorrow is another day.

Sounds like a tough day x

Hope you have a restful night x

I don't know if you need to stay stepped back nota or if you need to make it clear to the doctor and/or occupational therapist on the ward that she wasn't coping before wuth incontinence and mobility issues, plus you were giving huge amount of support which you're no longer able to give, and she's less able now.

@whatever45 I'm sorry for your loss

@notaflyingmonkey not surprised you have a tension headache. How on earth are they expecting her to go home?

We don't know that they are expecting her to go home @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, just that they are working towards discharge. It could be to specialist rehab or to nursing care. I think Nota has enough to be worrying about with her mum in hospital without starting to worry about her mum coming home from hospital.

Today we will cope with today's issues and next week's can wait.

@notaflyingmonkey

No! Stop right there. Outsource and focus on self.

@notaflyingmonkey I saw your other thread where discharge is to be to nursing care. When mum first went into residential care the social worker told me that they like to see self funders with three years money. I am guessing that if it had been much less than that then they would have wanted to have a say in the placement to avoid moving mum later. When MIL left hospital for residential care SS did it all, despite her being a self funder. They even went round to her house and packed a bag of clothes for her as SIL was too busy to do it and knew my mum was in hospital.

It's a horrible time, the end of what you know and the uncertainty as to what you should be doing, whether you are doing the right thing. The social work team at the hospital do this every day, you can talk to them even if they are not being asked to pay.

Thanks Knot. I am v aware that I am dominating this thread with my woes, so thought I should set up a bespoke thread instead.

The OT phoned me yesterday and told me that DM has pretty much reached her level of recovery from the stroke, which is not much. Her recommendation is that DM has 2 people available 24/7 to hoist her, etc, as she cannot even sit unaided. Which means a nursing home.

DM was awake when I visited last night. She doesn't know where she is - she thinks possibly a sports hall. So she could talk, albeit impaired, but couldn't process anything I said, like she couldn't hear/understand me.

I wish I could have convinced her to move to sheltered accommodation some years ago when she could have benefitted from it, rather than becoming increasingly dependent on what little I could give.

I don't think anyone minds, it is a support thread after all.

Be kind to yourself about previous decisions. Hindsight is wonderful but the outcomes may have been different anyway.

My DM is still complaining that her DM was moved to sheltered housing 40 years ago & why it was awful. I don't think you can know how it would have turned out.

@notaflyingmonkey I wish I'd pushed harder for a move to a bungalow nearer me about four years ago - there is no point dwelling on the past unless we can learn something from it. I expected to feel relief when mum went to be cared for by someone else, the release from daily responsibilty for absolutely everything, being able to put my own life first. What I wasn't prepared for was the guilt - could I have done something differently, was I doing the right thing now? It was such a massive change, she suddenly had a life of her own that I wasn't a part of.

I spent so much time second guessing my own decisions which is why I found it helpful to talk to a social worker when there was actually a choice to be made. When mum moved to nursing care there was no choice, she couldn't stay where she was because they couldn't meet her increased needs and the only question was which home she went to.

If you need a small win - get some name labels, glasses labels, hearing aid labels. Wherever she goes she will want to keep her stuff hers. Labelling clothes can be a distraction from the larger tasks ahead.

(If you ever want a stranger to listen to you, you know where I am)

Thank you all again for your support. This thread has been such a lifeline at times with the help and support offered.

DD asked me last night why I was angry - I was feeling angry at the stroke, my guilt, the system, etc. I suspect it won't be the last time.

Oh @notaflyingmonkey I’m so sorry. Please seek support- counselling maybe to help with your feelings. You could not have done more.
And take whatever time you need on here. We all have crises as different times, please lean on us.

Dad recovered from covid and they were sorting out his discharge but now he has an infection in his heart and is not expected to recover. Mum is allowed to see him so DB is taking her there.

Notaflyingmonkey - I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I recognise the feeling guilty part. My mum died last November - she fell and broke her hip last March and was then in and out of hospital before passing away peacefully at home. The original fall was rushing to answer the door to accept a delivery - flowers I had sent for Mother’s Day. I felt so bad about it - and still do even though my dad has been absolutely clear that it’s not my fault and I have nothing to feel bad about. It’s a shame that logic doesn’t work that way on feelings though and I will always regret sending those flowers. It’s hard not to keep replaying the whatifs but I have to remember that I couldn’t know what would happen and that if I had never sent her flowers she would have missed out on pleasure over the years. I hope you can also find peace with your situation.

@notaflyingmonkey I think guilt comes as standard when you're the main carer looking after an elderly parent. Every choice taken would lead to guilt.. my mum is currently in her last days (weeks, months) and is at home. She has carers but is alone for portions of the day and overnight. If she were in a care home she wouldn't be alone. She doesn't now know she's at home and asks to go back to the lovely house by the sea (the hospital). We can't do right for doing wrong. It will work out for the best. Hold in there.

@countrygirl99

@countrygirl99
💐

Dad is sedated because he was getting distressed but he responds so he knows they are there. Only 2 visitors allowed even at this stage so youngest DB and I won't get to say goodbye.