Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@NewYearNewMinty

That's a great idea *@freshcarnation*

I am now officially job hunting, encouraged by DM who still maintains that my being round there 4 afternoons, 1 evening and 1 morning a week isn't sufficient.

Not sure how she thinks me working is going to pan out in that respect but is definitely the best option for me.

Yep.

Absolutely 💯

Good luck job hunting

@notaflyingmonkey I completely agree. We all have to die at some point. Why do we do so much to delay when the person is miserable. We wouldn't do it to an animal.

Sorry to moan but ..... I've spent about 45 years of my life worried about why my mother is unhappy and trying to make her feel better. Nothing works. It makes me sad.

Hello to those who are new. Plenty of room in our lovely cosy sunroom for all the bad daughters out there.

I started keeping a 5 year journal last year and have been looking back on last year's entries. There is a horrible pattern to how I was feeling - trapped, exhausted, unappreciated. It's been seven months since she left and I still have the feeling that I can not settle to do anything in case she needs me.

I have not seen mum since Christmas Day which seems weeks ago. My son was so happy to see her - and she was so happy to see him - that he went back again two days later with his wife and had a lovely time with her.

My cousin and my uncle both visited her last week and my cousin is going again tomorrow and taking my daughter with her so that is another visit that I am missing. I would go but my daughter is so keen to see Grandma, not having seen her since she went into hospital I don't want to stop her going.

Mum hasn't been left without visitors, it's just that none of them is me.

Oh @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that must be tough. You did so much for her.
And @Ieatmarmite I totally get what you are saying…. Dm now late 90s.
It’s taken the big c for me to try and put myself first.
Welcome newbies. Plenty of room! Especially for bearers of chocolate!
@notaflyingmonkey hope you can try and enjoy the rest of your break. And push for res care. You can’t carry on as you were.
And @NewYearNewMinty get applying if you feel strong enough. You can never meet your dms needs.

Hi just checking in. It seems that the decision not to move Dad to hospital was the right one, he's managed to take some antibiotics orally and the local hospital have now reduced all visits so it would have been difficult to be with him. However at the care home I was able to be with him for 2 hours this afternoon. Sadly he has really gone down hill and they are likely to call me at anytime.

Oh @whatever45. I hope he is fairly comfortable.

I'm very sorry @whatever45, it's so hard when you realise that this cloud might not have a silver lining.

@NewYearNewMinty It's no surprise that I think that having your financial independence would be the way to go, it removes the button that is being pushed. There's still the guilt button but I think that one comes as standard.

It's not your job to make her happy but you've had a really good try. As we seem to have established that whatever you do is wrong you might as well do what you want to do and then one of you will be happy.

@whatever45 thinking of you🌺🌺

Whatever45 - hope you’re ok.

notaflyingmonkey,. Once you went on holiday and spent time away from your mother putting her wants and needs ahead of your own you realised that you needed the break. It might have been a good thing that dB had to step up and deal with what happened. You need to stand up for yourself now and say that you are no longer going to be available for full time care. Your dB now has a true picture of what she is like so if he wants her at home he can do all you have being doing up to now.

NewYearNewMinty,. No matter what you do she is never going to be happy or stop complaining. Then you had to deal with her behaving like a teenaged girl regarding L and to keep going on about him even when she knows you don't want his name mentioned.

She encouraging you to get a job but has yet to realise that if your working you can't be available for all the hours she expects. Once you get a job, you will have more money, get to know more people and be happier in your life.

Thank you so much. Just been to visit and praying it's nearly over for him now.

On a separate note, just reading about those of you who feel they can never please their parents. I had a long struggle with this with my Mum and as her Parkinson's progressed she was increasingly difficult and unkind to me in particular. It got to the point where I had to totally reduce contact as I just couldn't cope and needed to protect myself and my family. I can see more now as time passes that the issues were with her past and her illness and that I do not need to feel that I was a disappointment or that I was not enough. I'm sorry that others are also going through this.

@whatever45 thanks for your perspective on infuriating mothers. Sending you hugs - waiting is tough.

@whatever45

Thank you so much. Just been to visit and praying it's nearly over for him now.

On a separate note, just reading about those of you who feel they can never please their parents. I had a long struggle with this with my Mum and as her Parkinson's progressed she was increasingly difficult and unkind to me in particular. It got to the point where I had to totally reduce contact as I just couldn't cope and needed to protect myself and my family. I can see more now as time passes that the issues were with her past and her illness and that I do not need to feel that I was a disappointment or that I was not enough. I'm sorry that others are also going through this.

Thinking of you x

How annoying is this .
My friend ( father died 7 years ago ) has kept in contact with her father's wife ( they met and married in sheltered accommodation so she doesn't see her as a step mother ) but continued contact.
Anyway , the woman now in her 90s and unable to look after herself , has been moved into care home a year ago . My friend once covid restrictions allowed used to visit her fairly regularly .
The elderly lady has a son who lived out of UK , he never visits as is fairly elderly himself. She also has a nephew that visits on birthdays / Christmas only .
Friend phoned up to book a visit , first of the year , to be told they have changed their visiting policy and only 2 named visitors allowed.
Her son & nephew on list . She has had nephew visit once , no son visit . Friend has been many occasions yet the home will not relent . She does not have phone numbers for son /nephew.
This elderly woman will not be getting any visits.

That is so sad

Jeremy Vine show this lunchtime had interesting session about looking after elders. We probably knew quite a lot about it already but good to hear it being shared more widely
Starts just after 1hr into the show, lasts about 15min

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00132p9

Just to update that my Dad passed away very early this morning. I was able to spend time with him during the evening and all was peaceful.
Feels strange that it's all over after 5/6 years of the difficult situation with my parents. Now to face dealing with the next part and seeing my brother again .
Thank you for listening and being there.

@whatever45

Just to update that my Dad passed away very early this morning. I was able to spend time with him during the evening and all was peaceful. Feels strange that it's all over after 5/6 years of the difficult situation with my parents. Now to face dealing with the next part and seeing my brother again . Thank you for listening and being there.

So sorry

I am so sorry @whatever45 🌺🌺🌺

I'm glad it was peaceful whatever45. One step at a time.

Oh @whatever45 So very sorry.

I'm sorry @whatever45

Take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear your news @whatever45

Sorry for your loss Whatever I hope that you are doing ok and taking care of yourself.