Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I've been for a walk with dh and seen some fireworks

Not that hungry so had a coffee and sine biscuits

Rock n roll! 🤣

I think we're going to walk down to the beach for midnight

We’ve had a take away curry and dropped DS off at a party. DD and I are drinking G&Ts and we’ll open some fizz and watch the Hootenanny later.

DB, DD and I spent a few hours with DM this afternoon and it was lovely. We’ll pop round tomorrow as DD is going back to where she lives on Sunday.

My parents always made a huge thing of NYE and had an open house for the whole village. I first took DH home to meet them on NYE and there was a party in full swing.
DM was quite philosophical about being on her own tonight though and was planning nice food and drink for tonight.

Happy New Year

How's everyone doing?

Started the NY with a massive falling out with mum over me going out last night instead of spending it with her.

Messaged and called her last night...ignored.

Called today and got an earful of what a terrible daughter I am, how disappointed my dad would be in me and that she's decided it's best if we don't have anymore to do with one another, before she made the conversation all about L and I hung up.

So that's great...

@AfterEightMintyCedric

How's everyone doing?

Started the NY with a massive falling out with mum over me going out last night instead of spending it with her.

Messaged and called her last night...ignored.

Called today and got an earful of what a terrible daughter I am, how disappointed my dad would be in me and that she's decided it's best if we don't have anymore to do with one another, before she made the conversation all about L and I hung up.

So that's great...

Oh god, minty :(

I think you need to really back off for your own sanity

You know what she said about your dad in utter bollocks (thank god your dad had you!) and, frankly, as a mother, it's an unforgivable thing to say to a grieving child.

Mums 76th birthday tomorrow and she's coming for dinner

That'll be fun

...it's an unforgivable thing to say to a grieving child.

Apparently he also gave his blessing to her antics with L.

Not the impression I got when my dad was rolling his eyes at the mention of his name and telling me 'your Mum doesn't want to look after me anymore...' but hey ho

@Opal8

Mums 76th birthday tomorrow and she's coming for dinner

That'll be fun

Good luck.

I will go round to mine tomorrow as per usual routine...she usually backs down if I keep my distance for a day or two (temporarily at least)

Happy 2022, everyone!
Just been catching up on your dramas - it's been busy for some of you!
Well I've survived without much to report. Everyone was in good health. Mum enjoyed having family around but now they've gone, I'm getting the brunt of her loneliness 'hangover'. I'm trying to wean her off the constant attention, whilst deflecting the guilt-trip. First Christmas without dad was never going to be easy so I think we all did ok, really.
I can't help mentally noticing how much she can't manage without assistance - relatives gave her new appliances but I'm providing tech support, lost her online passwords - ask when I'll be round to reset, can't put away decorations - guess whose job that will be? I'm living 50miles away and I'm working so it won't be as soon as she'd like.

@AfterEightMintyCedric sorry you are getting this emotional blackmail. Try to ignore it?
@IoWfairyonthetopofthetree once you start these things you will have that job forever. Try to do the bare minimum if you don't or can't do that much. Are all the jobs necessary??

@neveroutoftheChristmaskitchen - I’m not sure that they’re all necessary. My strategy today was to send my DH instead because I was busy seeing a friend. Mum was a bit miffed that I didn’t drop everything but DH got the tech stuff done and proved it doesn’t always have to be me. I have a lot of friends to see!

Another newbie here.

I have lots of leftover chocolate biscuits as an offering - not sure if that's acceptable in early January?

I have read through a lot of this thread and it has made me realise I don't have it as bad as I thought, though that could change at any time...

My DF is mid nineties and despite being very frail and with multiple organs on the verge of failure is still going. He is a bit forgetful, but no dementia.

He is now reduced to living in one room due to mobility issues and has carers in 4 times a day.

I live a few miles away and organise things. I visit two or three times a week and call every day.

I just find it so desperately sad that my once vibrant parent is reduced to this existence. He is being kept alive on almost two dozen tablets each day and has no quality of life. No matter how many visitors he gets, he always says he is bored and lonely.

I don't know what I want really; just a place to vent about what a strange society we live in.

I'm off to hit the bottle

Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be a member of Apricot.

Apparently DM is recovering 'well' from her stroke. Eating pureed food, sitting out of bed for an hour a day.

I am still away, coming back later this week. I don't think that it has hurt DB to have stepped into my shoes for a while.

The conclusion that I have come to, having faced down the tidal wave of stress that was overwhelming me, is that I was barely coping with her level of needs before the stroke, and I now need to put boundaries in place so that whatever the outcome is post hospital, it isn't reliant on me.

And my God I know that will be hard - but perhaps easier given I am now the 'absent daughter'.

Sadly if like to join. It's all so stressful

Welcome Apricot. Agreed - I can't really think too much about the lives of the very elderly in my family. There is one who has I think a good quality of life at 90 because she is cared for 24/7 by her 92 year old partner who remains remarkably spry. But my mother- it's not ok that she is still alive, it may have been amazing of the hospitalto save her life but for what? A dear friend did a truly amazing job caring for her mother and is still traumatised from spending 4 years caring for someone who was in constant pain and longing to die.

Nota - I'd agree that being away when this happened has given you and your db a bit if perspective. I hope you can just keep saying that you're going to be her daughter not her carer now.

Welcome also to Start.

I think it is morally wrong that some elderly people are kept alive way beyond their expiry date. DM had zero quality of life even before this latest stroke. Was housebound. Increasingly incontinent. Bored. Lonely. Unpleasant - perhaps unsurprisingly so. What faces her now is not going to be better. I can only hope that DM agrees it is time for some sort of care home, where she can at least be kept safe.

Dad is still in hospital and updates have been so poor we know very little. Sunday DB was told there wouldn't be any decisions before today as sll the doctors are on holiday. DB was rather taken aback as he assumed the gomplete inability to answer the phone for 2 and a half days was covid and had been feeling sorry for the staff. After 3 days with the only update being to mum when his notes say all updates to DB due to mum's dementia he felt somewhat peeved. All we know is he I'd malnourished, aneamic, has mild delirium and has covid. Not a good combination for a severely frail 94yo with heart failure and a history of TIAs. Can't think why the family would want updates!
Tried to have a conversation with mum about what needs to happen if (big if) he comes home rather than goes to a care home. We talked about food we know neither are eating properly despite mum's insistence that they are - mum's clothes are hanging off her and GP has given her a check up with nothing suggesting a physical cause. I said dad really need a series of snacks rather than 3 bigger meals he can't manage but she is locked in a mindset that snacking is unhealthy and they would get fat. They are both skin and bone and mum's clothes are a couple of sizes too big for her. Mum has always had an odd attitude to food and portion sizes. I have previously been told that 1 person ready meals are so huge they have to share 1 and there was the memorable family get together transferred to BILs house due to a burst water main when we got a panicked phone call to bring whatever we voild as mum had brought over 1 plate of sandwiches, a large pack of crisps and a box of haribo for 10 adults, 4 teenage boys and several smaller children.

Difficult for elderly to get heads round the quantity of food eaten by younger people. If my DCs are coming for a meal I usually cater double quantities for each, then add a pile of jacket potatoes and a loaf of freshly baked bread.

Sympathise with efforts to get an appropriate diet. I had to get a dietician involved to convince Dad that fat was no longer a problem in his context. He did shift to full fat milk and butter rather than low. Fat marg, but I struggled to get protein into a man who had decided most meat was too tough, doesn’t eat cheese or nuts, measured beans by the teaspoonful, and would eat eggs scrambled or omeletted but in no other way, and in any case has never mastered the art of cracking them without adding bits of shell to whatever he’s cooking.

I had some success with persuading him to go out for a meal now and again.

Agree with nota. In my own case the last thing I want is anyone “keeping me safe”

Welcome to all the new faces, pull up a chair and settle in for the year ahead. 2021 was a rollercoaster year for me where mum was at home in April then had a run through respite care, home care, residential care, ending with nursing care in November and death in hospital in December. At the same time MIL was in and out of hospital with falls, her confusion was officially recognised as dementia and eventually multiple hospital admissions in the same week lead to an assessment of a discharge home being unsafe. She's not had a fall for some time possibly because she's eating properly and using the walking frame that she never bothered with at home.

During mum's last hospital stay I had a phone call close to midnight to say she wasn't doing well and did I want to come in? The next morning I rang to see how she was, after two and a half hours I got in the car and blagged my way onto the ward to ask if she was still alive as no-one was answering the phone. I didn't complain because I assumed that they were doing their best but it didn't help my stress levels at all.

@notaflyingmonkey as you've been away on holiday I'd use this as your reset time before you visit your mum again. My mum was in hospital and when she came home I started visiting every day as I thought she was very near the end. However she has stabilised and is now eating again so I've made a conscious effort to go every couple of days now and let her carers get on with it again. It feels mean, but I'm trying hard to hold onto my own life too.

That's a great idea @freshcarnation

I am now officially job hunting, encouraged by DM who still maintains that my being round there 4 afternoons, 1 evening and 1 morning a week isn't sufficient.

Not sure how she thinks me working is going to pan out in that respect but is definitely the best option for me.

@countrygirl99 Just before my DPs' life imploded and they were taken off to separate care facilities, my DPs had a very odd relationship with food. The SW were having mum weighed as they found DF was eating her food A carer would come in and rush to make scrambled eggs for two in the allotted ten min slot.. She'd pass them both a plateful and grab her coat only to see DM pass her food to DF and he eat it, even though he had been told not to... Fast forward quite a few months and DM was around 5 1/2 stones. In the end their SW deployed two alzheimers' visitors at the same time. One took my DF out the house while the other tried to get my DM to gorge on food while he wasn't there. Nightmare. DF died unexpectedly not long after this and DM was sectioned. However, within eight months DM was back to six and a half stone and has been n care homes for six years. At 90 she is now physically fit, although in the last few months her weight has declined as she has forgotten how to use cutlery and where her mouth is... sometimes with her fingers she puts food in her eye. . But my point is, they can be retrained at that late stage to eat if someone is providing the meals.

Dad should be home by the end of the week! Just need to sort out the feeding regime so lunchtime and teatime carer visits being extended, and a continence assessment and supply of pads.

Spending the afternoon with my mum who has done nothing but moan. Told her she should count her blessings and she's now sitting there like a person who lost £20 and found a penny. Of course, she's not moaned once and I'm just bad tempered. What's the emoji for a deep sigh?