Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@PermanentTemporary

Wish we had a cockroach emoticon!

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@AfterEightMintyCedric

Opal I can't manage entirely on CA and UC so mum gives me a few hundred pounds a month 'wages' in return for my doing 35 hours a week of care for her.

Needless to say she doesn't count the overnight that I stay, or all the little errands I run on my way to and from hers. I think ideally she would like me there 7 hours a day, 5 days a week.

I did say I'll happily come more in the day and stop the overnight...cue radio silence.

Maybe next time I'll point out that she's unlikely to find a carer anywhere else for £3.44 an hour.

God, that's do manipulative of her ☹️

I get CA for mum - since August anyway - its such a tiny amount isn't it?
I've always said I won't do overnights - but of course I end up doing them by default when shes ill overnight/needs to go to a&e etc

Part of me almost wishes I get covid so I can just not do anything/go anywhere for 10 days. How messed up is that?? ☹️

...its such a tiny amount isn't it?

Yup...and because I went back to work briefly I've not had a payment since September (until yesterday), no UC for a couple of months and no wage since 22/10.

Talked all this through with her prior to handing in my notice and she was completely on board with doing this arrangement for 6 months...since I've left work the subject of how rapidly her funds are depleting and how I must get a job immediately if I'm not freelancing come up every single time I visit.

And yes...I'm terrified of Covid but I can totally see where you're coming from.

Personally I'd love the time and cash to bugger off to the Priory for 6 weeks of peace, self-care and intensive therapy.

@AfterEightMintyCedric

...its such a tiny amount isn't it?

Yup...and because I went back to work briefly I've not had a payment since September (until yesterday), no UC for a couple of months and no wage since 22/10.

Talked all this through with her prior to handing in my notice and she was completely on board with doing this arrangement for 6 months...since I've left work the subject of how rapidly her funds are depleting and how I must get a job immediately if I'm not freelancing come up every single time I visit.

That's just unacceptable of her...

Financially controlling much?

When mum moved she did tentatively suggest giving me a set amount per month for fuel/car parking etc but I refused...because she would do EXACTLY what your mum is doing and that would be the end of our relationship. I would not tolerate it. Its a form of abuse.

@AfterEightMintyCedric

And yes...I'm terrified of Covid but I can totally see where you're coming from.

Personally I'd love the time and cash to bugger off to the Priory for 6 weeks of peace, self-care and intensive therapy.

I'm sort of over worrying about covid...I figure I'm triple vaxxed, no underlying issues I know of...I think we will all get it eventually. Maybe its just pandemic fatigue!

YESSSSSS!!!!!!

Hospital have just phoned, they discharged her tonight, two volunteer drivers took her home, took her up and looked at the blood and shit and went NOPE.
Taken her back in and they're looking at residential home with immediate effect. She will not be allowed to return to that flat. Referral to Social Services going in first thing tomorrow morning.

Reeeeee-SULT!!!!!

@MrsRussell

YESSSSSS!!!!!!

Hospital have just phoned, they discharged her tonight, two volunteer drivers took her home, took her up and looked at the blood and shit and went NOPE.
Taken her back in and they're looking at residential home with immediate effect. She will not be allowed to return to that flat. Referral to Social Services going in first thing tomorrow morning.

Reeeeee-SULT!!!!!

Brilliant 👏 So pleased for you x

Opal I'm currently rethinking looking for a part-time job in the New Year and thinking about full time.

Minty Cedric, you made an agreement with your mother to give up work to help her out. You told her that you need extra money for doing this and she agreed.
As time has gone by she is expecting you to be around more and to keep doing what she wants.
Now she telling you she is running out of money and brings up the fact you need to get a job because of this.
Does she not realise that if you get a job your not going to be available at a moment's notice to do things for her?
In your case I would be looking a job because it will keep up your ni record and improve your own financial position. You mother can pay for taxis, cleaners ect and arrange them also as if your in work you can't do this.

@AfterEightMintyCedric She's got form for dangling a financial carrot and the only way you can get away from that is by being independant. This is the bit where I usually bang on about pensions but I'll save that talk for when you're back working. She wants to have her cake and eat it, have the help she wants on call but not pay for it. If you were at work she would still expect you to be doing these little things (that take hours a day) and unless you stand firm you will be doing them on top of your working hours.

I would make a performance of considering what she's said about finding a job. Obviously you'd be be better off but jot down the local rates for cleaner/taxi/companion/whatever else you're doing so she's clear what it would cost her to replace you.

She's very lucky to have family so close, it's less usual these days. What do all those people do who have family at the other end of the country? - they make their own arrangements for the support they need (or social services do it for them)

@MrsRussell Something had to change. If the fairies had arranged a magical clean up then things would have gone on as they were and next time (because there would be a next time) she might have been in a worse state. This might be the crisis that is a turning point.

There was great denial of MIL's drinking. she probably drank less than me but I don't have balance issues and a wrecked liver. She'd been told to never, ever drink again and I know this because I was there in hospital when it was repeated to her but it wasn't something her family knew. I saw the empties in the dustbin ("I poured it down the sink") and I knew which family member bought it for her. Residential care is probably going to add years to her life.

(Oh look, another essay. Are all your social groups cancelled this week Knota? Why yes they are, does it show that I haven't had anyone to talk to except my son?)

How did you do that, Chevron?

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Ooh look! I did it by copy and paste. Maybe I should add it to the original post on the next thread so it’s available to everyone.

🪳all!

If you were at work she would still expect you to be doing these little things (that take hours a day) and unless you stand firm you will be doing them on top of your working hours.

I would make a performance of considering what she's said about finding a job. Obviously you'd be be better off but jot down the local rates for cleaner/taxi/companion/whatever else you're doing so she's clear what it would cost her to replace you.

All true. Her response to this is to bring out the stick of 'I'll have to pay for a full time live in carer' or currently 'I'll have to go in somewhere'...eg. Don't think you're getting any inheritance if you don't do what I expect.

One of the main reasons I don't step back is DD. Mum's financial help means she can have things that I wouldn't otherwise be able to afford as a single parent, even if I was working. She's just replaced her broken laptop and paid for a block of driving lessons for her birthday.

Unfortunately my ex doesn't see any reason to put his hand his pocket for anything above and beyond the monthly maintenance and as we all know, teens are expensive.

I just really don't want DD to suffer because of the choices I've made.

Unfortunately I've spent my entire life making career choices based on other people's opinions and needs, so although I've got decent qualifications I don't have a lot of consistent experience, which will make it hard to get any kind of well paid and interesting job.

Of course the job I really want is bestselling author of crime fiction/psychological thrillers...

minty can you get NI credits for the time you were getting carer’s allowance in the same way that you can when not working and getting child benefit? No immediate benefit but helps your pension.

Has DD thought about part time work? It’s been difficult the last few years but Brexit and Covid means more vacancies around. Lots of benefits, getting used to world of work, something to put on CV, increased confidence and interpersonal skills, improved budgeting skills. Hence lots of working teenagers whose parents would have no difficulty in subsidising anything.

Apologies if I was being patronising

@MereDintofPandiculation

minty can you get NI credits for the time you were getting carer’s allowance in the same way that you can when not working and getting child benefit? No immediate benefit but helps your pension.

Has DD thought about part time work? It’s been difficult the last few years but Brexit and Covid means more vacancies around. Lots of benefits, getting used to world of work, something to put on CV, increased confidence and interpersonal skills, improved budgeting skills. Hence lots of working teenagers whose parents would have no difficulty in subsidising anything.

Yes

I mean yes to NI credits

Oh @AfterEightMintyCedric :(
I do get it, but I'm sure your dd would rather have you happy and healthy and dancing to the tune of your narc mother :(
And if you worked you could buy her these things?
I'd call her bluff - take round some brochures for homes.
Tbh it's what she needs...constant companionship.

Been up all night with ds2 who had abdo pain (constipation I think)
Ugh
He fu ally went to sleep at 4.30 and dh woke me at 7.30
Marvellous

Oh Blimey Opal hope you get a break later on.

Thanks both for the suggestions.

DD got a job as soon as she finished her GCSEs and then got offered another for a charity she's volunteered with for a couple of years (paid). She did both over the summer and now just works for the charity and is likely to get a few extra hours in the new year.

The manager and trustees have already been talking about keeping her in when she goes to uni as most of her job can be done remotely.

She pays for her mobile phone, gym membership and buys her own clothes, make-up and most toiletries as well as saving each month so she's already contributing a fair bit bless her. We are funded for her college travel and her bus pass covers 24/7 so I'm only taxiing when she goes something that finishes late.

It's stuff that crops up like driving lessons that can be problematic. Her dad has very helpfullybeen looking up insurance for her but not once suggested that he actually pay for it .

I'm so tired
Ds2 says he feels OK this morning 🙄
I've started him on some lactose anyway
I've text mum to tell her I won't be going down til later.
Dh finishes work today so if ds2 is up again tonight dh can deal with him.
I've had a dreadful week sleep wise and really didn't need this
I feel a migraine coming on...

I have not visited this forum for ages but just wanted to wish you all well.

I was a whipping boy for my mum for 70 years. Like many of you, everyone else thought she was wonderful. My lovely dad died at 50 and she married soon after. She chose someone just like her.

She told him so many lies about her life. I know he thought I was the worse person ever. I could never argue with her as she was so articulate, she would crucify me every time.

I did so much for them. Through his own stubbornness ,refusing medical help, he had a leg amputated. That meant she went into a care home for 5 years dying at 94. He was 8 years younger so then I had 5 years of caring for the most nasty man that ever lived.

My wealthy brother did nothing except make sure he got his share of the Estate. I, of course, dealt with all that too.When he asked me what I would do with my share. I told him it was going to my three children as it would choke me to spend a penny of it. He said I was insane.

She went on about that money at every opportunity. My DH family were poor so she loved to say how much her house was worth and how rich we would be when she was gone.

When they had both gone, I felt that I had been freed from from a life prison sentence. I wish had been able to walk away, but the guilt trap is so strong.

Sorry that was so much longer than I thought it would be.

Opal way back in the mists of time the Junior Engineer as a very small Small used to get awful constipation - tell DS to rub his tummy, clockwise, gently! (or lie on his left hand side, that apparently takes the pressure off "things internal" though that may be one of those weird Lancashire old wives' tales...)

@MrsRussell

Opal way back in the mists of time the Junior Engineer as a very small Small used to get awful constipation - tell DS to rub his tummy, clockwise, gently! (or lie on his left hand side, that apparently takes the pressure off "things internal" though that may be one of those weird Lancashire old wives' tales...)

Thank you I'll get him doing some yoga stretches later

The clockwise thing apparently mimics the way your intestines move, so you're kind of, um, encouraging things to move along.
Junior Engineer used to do that legs in the air and produce some amazing farts, so prepare for festive flatulence right there - and that's even before you've got on the sprouts!!!

Ah Florentina love I hear you loud and clear - especially at this time of year when we get told so often "Christmas is for FAMILY!"
Apart from when, for whatever reason, it isn't.....