Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Having a bad mind like I do, Best, I wonder if your mum saves this random stuff for last minutes to keep you just another few minutes, and another few minutes, and another....like the old "and there's more!" joke.

Infuriating, isn;t it? (Mine also.)

My mother withdrew from most of her friendships and distant family connections, or they withdrew from her, over the past 5 years or so. I think it has become too tiring for her. None of them lived close to her - they used to meet up for holidays or special meals mostly - her memory and hearing became increasingly poor, and she just found it all too much, without enough benefit. Another way they become so terrifyingly dependent on us.

Could well be the case MrsRussell. I try to arm myself by taking milk with me whenever I go and checking her bread and wine stocks before I leave.

DM has a lovely group of friends and they all live in the same little village. Over the last two or three years they’ve all been widowed but one so the friendship group has become even more important. DM has always been good at making friends and it was she who brought the group together over the years so I’m really sad to see her not wanting to be with them. She would have been the first to include someone struggling or lonely. They are all more mobile than her so go for a weekly walk and I know she was upset at not being able to join in.

Ah it will sort itself out. I hope.

My mum doesn't have any friends.
Never has, really.
She had work colleagues in the past until she retired at 60. She never kept in touch with them.
I got her a buddy through the local church but even she doesn't bother with mum much anymore.
Mum is not fun, difficult to have a conversation with, can be quite depressing to around tbh
She refuses all suggestions of groups, clubs etc
It's not a great situation

I've buggered off on holiday, like the bad daughter I am. Have just spent half an hour moaning to DH about how guilty I fee for leaving DM at Xmas. So no tree pic from me, DS and I bought two bottles of Amarula in duty free, which is about as festive as it's likely to get, but you may be subjected to a holiday pic at some point.

@notaflyingmonkey

I've buggered off on holiday, like the bad daughter I am. Have just spent half an hour moaning to DH about how guilty I fee for leaving DM at Xmas. So no tree pic from me, DS and I bought two bottles of Amarula in duty free, which is about as festive as it's likely to get, but you may be subjected to a holiday pic at some point.

Enjoy! 💜

DM has been unusually sweet and lovely this evening and made me feel totally guilty. It’s unsettled me and I’m having a bit of a weepy wobble about dad’s death - only a few weeks ago - he was such a kind and calming influence in the family, a total buffer to mum’s dramatics. I think I had an awful realisation that she’s my only parent left now, and that’s scary!
I’m bracing myself for a hideous week at work then Christmas at mum’s. Glad to hear you’ll be around and looking forward to hearing your tales from the festive cockroach frontline.

@notaflyingmonkey you deserve every minute of your holiday. Don’t feel guilty, don’t look back. 🌺🌺🌺
Loving all the trees and the cats@MereDintofPandiculation.
So many of you lovely folk are going through so much. Dealing with the big C has shifted my focus back to where it should have been all along.
We deserve lives and happiness of our own. We can’t fix the elderlies.
cockroach all.

[quote thesandwich]@notaflyingmonkey you deserve every minute of your holiday. Don’t feel guilty, don’t look back. 🌺🌺🌺
Loving all the trees and the cats@MereDintofPandiculation.
So many of you lovely folk are going through so much. Dealing with the big C has shifted my focus back to where it should have been all along.
We deserve lives and happiness of our own. We can’t fix the elderlies.
cockroach all.[/quote]
Merry Christmas 🎄 @thesandwich

Mum's birthday today. Last week I ordered her a massive Moonpig card, paid an extra £ 4 for delivery today and it didn't arrive and the tracking doesn't show where it is. DD and I went to a lot of effort and expense to get her a shaped photo cushion of her dog. She recognised that it was him straight away and told me to take it home because it made her miss him more. She talks about him all the time but hasn't seen him for at least a year. So all in all not the most successful of days.

Phew just got a text to say Mum’s pcr test is negative so the hearing aid appointment can go ahead.

How frustrating hairbrush when you put real thought into a gift that you think will give pleasure.

Sandwich you are right and I know DM would agree with you.

Oh hairbrush I'm sorry it went a bit pear-shaped...that sounds like such a lovely, thoughtful present.

I backfired with Dad once, about 8/10 years ago. We've both always loved art so I booked for us to do a life drawing and painting workshop.

It was good fun but he'd never used acrylics before and hadn't painted at all for years so he was quite disappointed with the end result, made worse by the fact there were some very talented people on the course (including one quite well known professional).

@BestIsWest glad PCR is clear. I really must try and get my mum to a hearing place in the new year. She can't have another NHS appt for 18 months and her hearing is worse than ever.

@notaflyingmonkey have a fab holiday I'm not remotely jealous!

@MrsRussell I think exactly the same thing with my mum...

"I need to be off now mum..."
"Oh, can you just..."

@IoWfairyonthetopofthetree I also had a good visit with my mum yesterday, perhaps there was something in the air. DD even phoned me to ask when I was coming home!

Her arm is finally clearing up (touch wood) which I'm sure has helped. It's sometimes hard in the moment ot remember that a lot of her less likeable behaviour is born of fear rather than anything more malevolent.

I also have a bonus 'day off' today (she has hairdresser this morning and her friend round this afternoon) so going to crack on with lots of Christmassy stuff .

@MintyCedric DM and I did painting and drawing classes for years including 3 years of life drawing. She was not bad at it at all and absolutely loved it. We stopped because the local college stopped running courses but you've made me think that I should make more effort to find something like that for her to do.

@BestIsWest it was otherwise a lovely day.

Has your mum ever done pottery painting? Maybe that's something you could do together. I spent hours in our local pottery cafe when I was going through my divorce and still use the pasta bowls I painted all the time.

Hope your appt goes OK this morning.

That’s a good idea @MintyCedric. I’ll have to see what’s about locally. Pending lockdown of course.

Anyone else get the blame for absolutely everything?! Today DM declared that she would like me to take her to Woolworths. I explained they no longer in business (closed what, 15 years ago?) then got the indignant "well you might have told me"! Same happens with every appointment that we discuss, she has no recollection of them (Despite us talking about them every day) so again its "well I wish you would tell me about these things"!

Today I got accused of hiding her sandals (Why??) buying food that she doesn't like (She chose it) and not taking her for her 3rd Covid jab (she went weeks ago). I know it is her brain making excuses for her forgetfulness and not wanting to admit her memory is fading fast but still hard to take all the accusations when I do absolutely everything for her!

Small update on mum. She's going to be sent home tomorrow hopefully. Consultant says brain scan confirmed dementia and is sorting out a PEACE document so she can be kept comfortable at home going forward rather than being taken back into hospital. Very sensible

@freshcarnation That's good to hear. They did the same thing with mum, we agreed that it wasn't good for her to be taken to hospital for a trip and fall. There was the long wait for an ambulance, the stress of transport, the unfamiliar surroundings, the risk of infection and the alternative was that the GP could see her the next day, do the same test for a UTI and look her over. She was in a nursing home at the time, it's not as if there wasn't someone there to keep an eye on her.

Thank you @Knotaknitter We are very pleased with this decision. It's been a bit tense thinking she might have interventions whilst in hospital that wouldn't have been in her best interest. Looking forward to having her home.

Oh hairbrush I'm sorry, that sounds rotten for you. I wonder sometimes if the complaint is more of a compliment than it sounds - "it's lovely but I don't want you thinking too much of yourself" if you see what I mean, peas are not allowed to get their heads above sticks...

Glad your mum is being sorted out @freshcarnation although not great about the dementia confirmation, but at least what you know you can work with?

Mine is being discharged today. (Ho hum, three days out.) Apparently her cleaner walked in and refused to clean today, it was so disgusting - but she thought I'd be up for going round and dealing with her bodily emissions. In what parallel dimension? She asked would I ring the ward and tell them it wasn't fit for her to go home. I said no, of course. If her bed is full of blood and shit - apparently - they need to sort out emergency accomodation, even if it's a B&B.

I feel a bit lousy batting this back to the hospital staff but at the end of the day, if I say "oh go on, I'll deal with it" it becomes my responsibility. I don't have any legal authority to make decisions for her, and nor do I want it....

@MrsRussell

Oh hairbrush I'm sorry, that sounds rotten for you. I wonder sometimes if the complaint is more of a compliment than it sounds - "it's lovely but I don't want you thinking too much of yourself" if you see what I mean, peas are not allowed to get their heads above sticks...

Glad your mum is being sorted out @freshcarnation although not great about the dementia confirmation, but at least what you know you can work with?

Mine is being discharged today. (Ho hum, three days out.) Apparently her cleaner walked in and refused to clean today, it was so disgusting - but she thought I'd be up for going round and dealing with her bodily emissions. In what parallel dimension? She asked would I ring the ward and tell them it wasn't fit for her to go home. I said no, of course. If her bed is full of blood and shit - apparently - they need to sort out emergency accomodation, even if it's a B&B.

I feel a bit lousy batting this back to the hospital staff but at the end of the day, if I say "oh go on, I'll deal with it" it becomes my responsibility. I don't have any legal authority to make decisions for her, and nor do I want it....

I'd have put my money on them discharging her on Friday...thats the usual nhs chuck out day! @MrsRussell (A lady at my mums sheltered accommodation was discharged on a Friday night (like mum was), was admitted back in on the Sunday and died on the Thursday!...) You are 💯 doing the right thing, as is your mums cleaner.

Mum seems OK atm so hopefully I'll stay that way for a while...

Having said I wouldn't go again until Christmas Day my cousin is going to see mum tomorrow so I am going with her. It's not easy visiting her and I feel that supporting my cousin is the decent thing to do. We have discussed presents and I have persuaded her not to buy anything. She's going to make a pair of fingerless gloves and give her the reed diffuser I have for her because I think mum gets overwhelmed with too much to look at/think about.

I had a phone call today from Cruse about the counselling which will start on the 7th January which is brilliant.

Oh and Christmas is shrinking by the day! DSil tested positive on Saturday, DD's fiance tested positive yesterday. DD did a PCR and she is positive and the other DD got a positive LFT this afternoon. DSiL's family decided it was too risky to travel so they have cancelled.

We are currently down to six guests and two of those are holding on until Friday morning to decide whether or not to come (LFT's permitting!)

So very glad I don't have mum here to fit around as well!

Glad there's been progress of sorts carnation.

Hairbrush I'm not sure whether your Christmas guests situation sounds like a nightmare or a bit of a result.

MrsR hope things are running smoothly for you this evening.

After a peaceful couple of days I had the most bizarre row with mum this afternoon.

Didn't see her yesterday but call am to say she had yet another UTI, had been uo several times in the night and used her test strips which showed an infection and blood in urine. She had a few things on so I said I'd call GP for her.

GP called yesterday afternoon and asked her to send in sample so the friend that was visiting kindly dropped it off.

Mum chased up this morning and was told they'd sent sample to hospital for testing...results tomorrow.

I went round midday and every time she needed the loo she was doubled over, so I phoned again, pointed out that this was a very regular thing and she really needed antibiotics ASAP. Threw in 'as you know, UTIs in elderly people can get very serious very quickly...' GP phoned back in 3 minutes flat and agreed to send prescription to the chemist which I said I'd go and collect and drop round to her at teatime.

DD popped in and I was telling her about my triumph getting Mum sorted, and mum starts going on about how I'd missed the point of the issues she was having and failed to mention them to the receptionist I'd spoken to.

I pointed out that I was less interested in the minutiae of her dip test and more concerned about getting her meds so we don't end up spending Christmas Eve in A & E with her going gaga with a UTI.

She went completely batshit...accused me of making her feel like a burden, not spending enough time with her, only wanting to do anything with her on my terms, and threatened to cancel my 'wages' this month.

I told her she was bloody ungrateful and if she felt like that she could pick her own meds up.

Of course I ended up doing it anyway and when I went back she was absolutely fine...

"Wages"???
Christ, the red mist would have descended for me...
Mum is - covid depending - going to my sisters on Xmas eve so I'll get that day off.
We are going out for breakfast on Thursday with ds2 and dn.
Then she's coming here for lunch Xmas day.
I'm going to try and meet a friend on boxing day.

Opal I can't manage entirely on CA and UC so mum gives me a few hundred pounds a month 'wages' in return for my doing 35 hours a week of care for her.

Needless to say she doesn't count the overnight that I stay, or all the little errands I run on my way to and from hers. I think ideally she would like me there 7 hours a day, 5 days a week.

I did say I'll happily come more in the day and stop the overnight...cue radio silence.

Maybe next time I'll point out that she's unlikely to find a carer anywhere else for £3.44 an hour.