Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@florentina1 I've had a few name changes along the way but my mum got sectioned in 2015 and then mhu/care homes ever since. She is now 90.
I remember you from around that time as a regular on these boards with loads of wisdom already painfully gathered after fraught times
Please keep posting your thoughts regularly here because you have a clarity that only comes after a period of distance and relative calm [pardon pun]. We can all benefit from your experience

@florentina1

Thank you so much for acknowledging my post. This board was a life saver for me.

One recurring thing that young women ask about on MN concerns their own parenting skills when they have had such awful parents. Will they be the same as their Mothers? I fretted about this the whole time when they were small. In fact, I truly believed that when they were adults they would dislike me.

I reply that, what you are learning, is ‘How not to be a Mother’ I am so lucky to have a wonder relationship with all of my children as do they with each other. I have 8 grandchildren and very best moment of my life was when they told me that they wanted to raise their children in the same way that they were raised..

Because of my Mother’s Alzheimer’s, my daughter gave me a book where you can write your life history. It had many interesting questions. It took me two years before I could begin filling it in. I asked her if she wanted all of the truth or just to answer the factual questions. She wanted to know everything. It took me almost another two years to complete. It was so hard to write without crying.

I find posts by those who have come out the other side among the most informative and often poignant. @florentina1 it sounds like you have navigated a rather different path to that of your DM

Thank you @florentina1 good to hear from you.
minty get planning your independence. Your dm doesn’t deserve you.
opal hope you get some sleep- it sounds so tough🌺🌺.
knot how are you doing? Please natter away here any time.
🌺🌺🌺 to all

@florentina1 Your remark about "learning how not to be a mother" is a way of thinking I wish I'd had when I was younger. I chose not to have children - I was scared that I would end up messing up their lives in the same way I think my parents messed up the lives of me & my siblings. I look at us and the 3 of us are damaged. I never talked to my siblings about this until a very recent conversation with my brother, who expressed the same thoughts about having children that I've had.

We were sitting on a beach at the time and nearby there were a couple of children playing and that's when we started the conversation. He told me he regretted not having children and the reason why he'd chosen not to have any. I'd never admitted it to anyone before, but I also am sad that I didn't have children.

@Ieatmarmite

That's terribly sad. I'm so sorry your mum had that kind of impact on your lives.

@MrsRussell

Opal way back in the mists of time the Junior Engineer as a very small Small used to get awful constipation - tell DS to rub his tummy, clockwise, gently! (or lie on his left hand side, that apparently takes the pressure off "things internal" though that may be one of those weird Lancashire old wives' tales...)

DH used to tell me to lie on a particular side for indigestion, as it meant the stomach entrance pointed upward not downward. So it may be that advice getting muddled in, or it may be to do with the final route of the intestine.

I married very young and was planning not to have children. I was lucky to marry a man who was a direct replica of my dad. Just like my dad, my DH Is such a good father and is adored everyone. My DiLs and SiL have always come to him for advice before their own parents. We sometimes went on holiday with them and it was such a wonderful relaxing time.

When I see them with their children and what happy nurturing relationships they have with them and each other, it makes my heart sing.

When we were dating, whenever we went out with friends, i would wait for the inquest after we left them. The taking apart of my clothes, hair my make up, my behaviour and criticism of what I had said. I had no idea that I was conditioned to expect this. He never ever criticised me and I think I loved him for that..

minty That’s a fine daughter you’ve raised!

leatmarmite That’s very sad. I think the truth is that we all strive to avoid the bad parenting styles of our parents. And in doing so introduce wholly new bad parenting styles of our own.

I can understand how the parenting you received can be so bad that you feel it’s impossible not to repeat it.

I think it’s important to have good role models, and much easier if your parents are among them. Ive seen loving but insensitive and inconsistent parenting lead to a clutch of mixed up kids going on to substance abuse or abusive relationships. On the other hand my childminder, who was a wonderful role model to my kids, was raised in a children’s home.

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation.

She really is wonderful, I'm very lucky.

I'm going to try for a few days away from t'internet so will wish everyone a happy and uneventful Christmas and leave this here.. 🌲☃️🍾🎅

Merry Christmas all 🎄

Thank you for the friendship and good advice

See you in 2022! 🙏

Happy Christmas and a cockroach New Year x

Merry Christmas to all here

Happy Christmas and 🪳to all!

🪳Pasted from the cockroach emoticon thread

Here's a picture of our tree this year - the lemon tree at the side of our balcony. Seasons greetings all x

Merry Christmas to you all. Managed to get mum home last night from hospital (without any medication or discharge notes etc)but at least she's home

🪳 🪳
happy Christmas everyone! Thank you for your friendship and humour.xx

Just back from the care home visit. I took some flowers and a card. She seemed pleased to see me but it's hard to know what to say really. Had that familiar, empty feeling I get after most interactions with her since leaving home decades ago. Then felt guilty. She is a demented frail old lady after all.

Some quick advice. Visits are held in a dedicated room and we are told only four a day permitted. I arrived at the appointed time to see another family still in the room. When eventually I was allowed through to do my lateral flow, the table was strewn with used swabs and other testing paraphernalia. I thought this was a bit much to be honest, although presumably they were all negative!

I thought about writing to the manager about it but I don't want to get the staff into trouble, and it hasn't happened before. I expect they are short staffed, especially on Xmas Eve.

However, if the staffing ratios are resulting in that sort of slip up, then perhaps the management should be aware. The home has recently changed hands.

Should I leave it or not?

Double cockroaches all round.

Went to see DM this afternoon to take her to the cemetery to visit Dad’s grave but she was really poorly- shivering in her dressing gown in front of the fire. Managed to speak to her GP who thinks it is probably a UTI and prescribed antibiotics. She’s meant to be coming here for lunch tomorrow and to my brothers for tea but I can’t see her being well enough. We’re only a mile apart so I can easily pop up to see her. My brother is going to visit this evening so I’ll get an update then.

Words Yes, to probably being sort staffed... I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. They may easily have been a person down and once you were with your DM, the person may have gone back and tidied. Granted, not the best, but the stuff to complain about is when they appear hungry or thirsty or are wearing dirty clothes.
It is a struggle visiting. My DSis absolutely dreads it

I would feel a bit uncomfortable with used swabs around even though, as you say they were probably negative.

When I saw mum earlier this week we were in the hallway with a Perspex screen but when my uncle saw her this afternoon she was in the dining room as normal.

She sent back the chocolates and cushion he gave her because she has nowhere to keep them. I am not expecting her to want to keep my presents for her either but I have to try.

My son is visiting with me tomorrow. He hasn't seen her for 18 months and I'm afraid it will be quite a shock to him.

I know exactly what you mean about the hollow feeling afterwards. That's a great way to describe it.

We made it to Finland. We decided to just do a driveway present swap with ILs on the way to our pre flight test and not go in. Bloody good job wedding, FIL had a positive lateral flow 2 days later. Sent off his PCR today so goodness knows when he will get the result. He feels fine and MIL is still negative though.

I hope everyone has as peaceful a Christmas as is possible at the moment.

Re elderlies withdrawing from socialising I think that is common at a certain point, it's one of the advantages of DM's care home that company is built in, even if not always the idealised company she would like. I have often found myself acting as DM's social proxy and still do to an extent, I have written cards carefully to all ex-neighbours who keep an eye on her house and all social club friends she met post DF's death (she had none before) so she at least gets cards - and when I am allowed to meet the other residents finally post pandemic regime I will put some effort into being charming.

I am stationed in DM's old home near her care home for a month, not the most enchanted Christmas ever but it's fine and it's finite (i.e. I won't have to do it for ever because my remotely-located job will end, hurrah, not hurrying DM's demise) Her topic of conversation today was wanting to purchase a memorial at a local burial ground, very Christmassy.

Enjoy your holidays, your cosy Christmases, celebration of wrangling your oldies into some sort of festive mood or relief at not having to deal with them this Xmas, wherever you are right now.

🪳 Merry Cockroaches!