Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@freshcarnation

Thanks Minty. Banging headache today due to lack of sleep and all the drama. It occurred to us that mum has a DNAR yet the 999 operator was telling me to start chest compressions when she wasn't breathing. I didn't think to question it, but suppose It would have been best to say no retrospectively. Anyway. She did start breathing again, so irrelevant really.

Hope the headache clears and you get a quiet night tonight, Fresh.

What you said about the DNR made me think: I know my mother does not want to be resuscitated, in fact she really does not want to be here any more and would be very happy to just die in her sleep or have a sudden cardiac arrest. If I turned up at her house one morning and found her dead in bed, I would be sad, but glad that she got the death she wanted.

But in other circumstances, I wonder how hard it would be to insist that any paramedics or doctors (or even well-meaning first aiders) did not to try to resuscitate her? I have LPA for health and welfare and I am very aware of her wishes.

My dad has a Respect form from his last hospital admission that says DNAR and no critical care.

@freshcarnation

Spoke to a doctor on mum's ward this morning. No real information on how she is. He asked when she was formally diagnosed with dementia. Well never. She's been in and out of hospital for years and it has always been taken as fact that she has dementia. I was pressed on why I thought this... well because.. everything.. flummoxed. Going in to see her later

I asked our Nursing Home manager (qualified nurse) whether she felt Dad had dementia and she said briskly “oh, no! I don’t think so”. Despite living in a fantasy land most of the time, and being seriously mixed up on passage of time. So possibly it was a fair question

@exexpat From my training as a first aider, first aiders don’t have the choice. They certainly couldn’t cease CPR on the word of a relative.

Other decisions are taken in the best interests of the patient. I haven’t come across many medics who feel a 90 year old”s best interests are served by being on a respirator with a clutch of broken ribs.

I imagine my mum would want to be resuscitated even if it meant hooking her up to a monster truck with jump leads.

We had more arm related drama last night but touch wood it looks a bit better today and the infection site seems to be improving too.

We also have an appointment to look at our local Abbeyfield in the new year.

Evening all. Had my third jab yesterday so haven't got out of my pyjamas today, but going to the beach tomorrow.
Probably no surprise to learn that mother is drinking AGAIN. It's my fault this time apparently because when I went round to mend her TV - which was doing the "no signal" thing - she'd bought a pile of random weird stuff from the shop for us (think tubes of coriander puree and tinned olives, that level of weird) and I looked at it and said, "You've been drinking haven't you?"
So my fault, because I called her on it. I made her feel guilty, apparently, and I'm a bitch and I'm cold and I don't make her feel loved.

We were supposed to be going shopping on Monday to buy my Christmas present. This will also no doubt become a pity party when she ends up in hospital (AGAIN) but it will be "I couldn't even buy her a Christmas present!" rather than "I chose to drink vodka to the point where I was lying in my own shit for days too drunk to get to the toilet, rather than buy her a Christmas present"

I will lay a pound to short odds that the hospital will ring me on Christmas Eve wanting me to pick her up. I shall be self-isolating, sadly, and unavailable and very unfortunately now she isn't going to be able to come for Christmas dinner because we've asked one of our friends who's going to be on his own instead.

I am bloody RAGING.

Oh @MrsRussell of course it's your fault. This is the Bad Daughter's room after all. Isolation is a must and the hospital can sort her out. I do hope that it doesn't spoil Christmas for you.

Just in case anyone’s in doubt! The café will be open all through Christmas, will all the usual Christmas fare, so feel free to drop in any time your own Christmas festivities get too much.

Tree is arriving today, and decorations go up this weekend. Feel free to contribute!

Our tree

Merry Christmas 🎄

@MrsRussell

Evening all. Had my third jab yesterday so haven't got out of my pyjamas today, but going to the beach tomorrow. Probably no surprise to learn that mother is drinking AGAIN. It's my fault this time apparently because when I went round to mend her TV - which was doing the "no signal" thing - she'd bought a pile of random weird stuff from the shop for us (think tubes of coriander puree and tinned olives, that level of weird) and I looked at it and said, "You've been drinking haven't you?" So my fault, because I called her on it. I made her feel guilty, apparently, and I'm a bitch and I'm cold and I don't make her feel loved.

We were supposed to be going shopping on Monday to buy my Christmas present. This will also no doubt become a pity party when she ends up in hospital (AGAIN) but it will be "I couldn't even buy her a Christmas present!" rather than "I chose to drink vodka to the point where I was lying in my own shit for days too drunk to get to the toilet, rather than buy her a Christmas present"

I will lay a pound to short odds that the hospital will ring me on Christmas Eve wanting me to pick her up. I shall be self-isolating, sadly, and unavailable and very unfortunately now she isn't going to be able to come for Christmas dinner because we've asked one of our friends who's going to be on his own instead.

I am bloody RAGING.

I'm sorry x

Do what you're doing...put those boundaries in place and stick to them.

Love your tree Opal - mine doesn't show so well in photos being in a dark room, otherwise I'd share!
I'm not actually self-isolating, I might add, we're all fine. It's just easier than explaining to staff who don't need to know why I'm making their job harder!
I think the thing that particularly gives me the rage is that DH has acquired a food allergy - possibly as a result of Covid over the summer - and there is something in preserved food (sulphites? maybe?) that gives him asthma attacks. So tinned things are off the agenda. He almost ended up in hospital a few weeks ago.
Random shit from the shops? Almost all, tinned and packet foods, likely to trigger an asthma attack.
She told DS he was getting a tummy the other week, so she bought a ton of junk snacks for him. (Which have all gone in the bin, which I hate doing, but they're not even nice things that we could donate to the food bank - they are nasty, cheap things without any nutritional value. 15p bags of onion rings crisps, kind of thing.)
She doesn't buy anything at all for me because I won't take it, but then I'm a graceless bitch.
I dunno, it's almost as if she doesn't think we're actual real people....

@MrsRussell

Love your tree Opal - mine doesn't show so well in photos being in a dark room, otherwise I'd share! I'm not actually self-isolating, I might add, we're all fine. It's just easier than explaining to staff who don't need to know why I'm making their job harder! I think the thing that particularly gives me the rage is that DH has acquired a food allergy - possibly as a result of Covid over the summer - and there is something in preserved food (sulphites? maybe?) that gives him asthma attacks. So tinned things are off the agenda. He almost ended up in hospital a few weeks ago. Random shit from the shops? Almost all, tinned and packet foods, likely to trigger an asthma attack. She told DS he was getting a tummy the other week, so she bought a ton of junk snacks for him. (Which have all gone in the bin, which I hate doing, but they're not even nice things that we could donate to the food bank - they are nasty, cheap things without any nutritional value. 15p bags of onion rings crisps, kind of thing.) She doesn't buy anything at all for me because I won't take it, but then I'm a graceless bitch. I dunno, it's almost as if she doesn't think we're actual real people....

She doesn't.

You are there to fulfil whatever need she has, such as accepting crap from her with enthusiastic thanks to make her feel better.

It's bloody annoying, Opal.
I wouldn't so much mind the random crap if it was healthy random crap, but it seems deliberately malevolent to try and encourage your grandchild to overeat or put your son in law in hospital.

What it /feels/ like is that because she is a substance abuser, she wants /us/ to become substance abusers.

Am pretty sure that no one is that malevolent and it's just me being grumpy, but I'm wary of it.

@MrsRussell

It's bloody annoying, Opal. I wouldn't so much mind the random crap if it was healthy random crap, but it seems deliberately malevolent to try and encourage your grandchild to overeat or put your son in law in hospital.

What it /feels/ like is that because she is a substance abuser, she wants /us/ to become substance abusers.

Am pretty sure that no one is that malevolent and it's just me being grumpy, but I'm wary of it.

That's so fucked up :(

Yup yup, welcome to the world of the alcoholic narcissist.
In much more important news today, we're gonna have to start clearing the garden of twigs and small branches, if we've got a mate coming over for either Christmas lunch or Boxing Day. We had in mind that if it's cold but otherwise clear we could sit under our pergola and play board games, and have a barbecue.
That's gonna be a fuckton of garden waste right there....

Space is at a premium at Casa Hairbrush this year so our beautiful 7ft tree is in the loft and we have in its place a super trendy slim tree which just squeezes into the fireplace.

Hairbrush your house is amazing!!
The tree is pretty neat too

Was allowed to visit mum for a hour in hospital. She has basically been sleeping since being admitted on Wednesday night. Don't think she has been drinking or eating really although a patient in the opposite bed said she had a couple of mouthfuls of jelly today. She's not on any treatment or medication, or on a drip. Just laying asleep in bed. I spoke to the nurse looking after her who said nothing much will be done over the weekend. I don't know what to think.

@freshcarnation I'm sorry there's not been more progress but glad you've managed to visit.

I went for a walk this morning through the woods/fields I used to walk in with my dad as a kid. Best mate came along and we stopped on the way home for a couple of glasses of red in his favourite pub then came back to mine for baked cheese and assorted dippy bits and mulled cider.

Called mum when I got in...no response. Called again 20 minutes later, she'd just got in from the shops and asked if I'd called her earlier, then questioned why I hadn't called her first thing as she 'could have been laying dead or unconscious'.

I pointed out that she clearly wasn't and when I go back to work I won't be able to call every morning to check she's alive.

Tree pic to counteract the moaning...

Thank you @MrsRussell. After 9 years of spending more time in my mother's than mine I'm not used to my house looking presentable. You have honestly made me emotional.

@freshcarnation what a frustrating time for you. It's so difficult to find someone to talk to and find any news about patients isn't it.

@MintyCedric I love your tree. Your mum would drive me round the bend. You are so patient.

I love your tree. Your mum would drive me round the bend. You are so patient.

Thank you...I'm one of these wankers that has ro have it all coordinated . I love the eclectic look on other people's trees but when I try it looks like one Santa's elves threw up in the corner of my sitting room!

I hope you get to enjoy your lovely home this Christmas.

I'm really not that patient...but I'm learning. Grey rock is helpful when I remember to practice it.

Unfortunately a friend of a friend of mums died recently and very suddenly overnight which has exacerbated her anxiety about it happening to her.

That must be upsetting for her. It's hard to separate the natural anxiety from the clingy, neediness sometimes isn't it.

This is the first year I have decorated my tree, my way since 1987. I bought new - 120 tiny wooden shapes - so all my decorations are the same. It's the not the tree I have dreamed of but that is because of the dogs and if they get a whiff of a feather anywhere near the tree it will be wrecked so wooden shapes it is. And none of my vintage toys can be put around either because they would be shredded.

I had a major weepy moment yesterday and raided mum's cupboard for some of her decorations.

I'm going to see her this evening for her birthday. One of my uncles is going this morning, the other this afternoon so she is likely to be worn out and grumpy but it can't be helped. I have bought presents that she can keep and use in the home - a nightdress and a Christmas poncho because it's easier to wear than a jumper.

minty I put the onus of daily health reports on dad - he emailed me when he got up, and I’d check only if he hadn’t emailed by teatime. But he hasn’t a manipulative bone in his body.

My baubles are “eclectic”, some of them dating back to the 50s. I used to put them all on together, but when the trend for monochrome trees really took off about 15years ago, I divided them into red/purple/gold vs green/blue/silver, with the idea of alternating. But the blue green silver year looked so chilly that ever since they’ve been relegated to hang in bundles from the Delft rack in the hall.

Apparently artificial trees need to be used for 10years to beat a real tree on carbon emissions. Ours is on its 30th year so I don’t feel too bad

Two of our cats didn’t like the snow and were really bored when the tree went up…

Tough day with DM yesterday. She had arranged to go to friends for the afternoon. I had a lot to do yesterday including her grocery shopping so rushed around to get to hers in time to drop her off at her friends.
‘I’m not going, I don’t feel like it’
Well that’s fair enough but why not let me know?
Have you let them know?
No...
So I made her phone.
She reckoned she has a bit of a cold then so didn't want to pass it on to them. Ok but I suspect the cold is made up.
She’s had a bit of a falling out with her best friend of 60 years, I think because DM couldn’t hear what she was saying on the phone and misinterpreted it. I think this is behind the refusal to go out yesterday.

Ended up taking her for a PCR test yesterday afternoon just in case though.. She has a hospital appointment to sort out her hearing aids on a Monday morning (rearranged from one she didn’t tell anyone about so missed). I just hope the result comes back negative in time as the thought of her going through Christmas with non working hearing aids makes me shudder - on both our behalves.
Then as I was about to drop her off at home she said ‘I’m out of toilet paper’. And you didn’t think to tell anyone this? Especially me who was doing your grocery shopping this morning.
So had to detour to the supermarket.

I was completely exhausted by the time I got home. Managed a takeaway,went to bed at 9 and slept for 14 hours.

I am trying my best to be patient and sympathetic but it’s breaking my heart.