Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@countrygirl99 I hope your plans work out and you get out and back without drama.

I see that the guidance on care homes has changed, three named visitors from today (not including essential care givers or pre-school aged children). I looked at that after I'd rung to book a visit to MIL, no-one asked me who I was or whether I was on a list so I may have got in before the new guidance has trickled down to staff. I'm not surprised because the home isn't following national guidance or the guidance for visitors that's on their website and that guidance isn't in line with the national guidance anyway.

@knotaknitter life with olds is complicated enough without having to keep up with all these rule changes isn't it.

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

Just delurking the say I have been where many of you are and I completely commiserate. In my case my DM was very frail but my DF held the money and every time a care package or rehab package was arranged for her multiple hospital discharges he would cancel the care on some flimsy pretext, even when it was free. Excuses ranged from the carer not turning up on the dot of 7.30 to get mum up, coming too early to put her to bed, rascist comments about several of them within their hearing (a number of care agencies pulled out because of his appalling behaviour and comments) etc. He was also witnessed being verbally abusive towards her on several occasions yet reports by the agencies to safeguarding gained nothing and he would simply find another agency for a few weeks and repeat the whole saga. I was getting calls any time of the day or night demanding I drive 17 miles each way to clear up shit or urine’ because you’re a nurse and used to it’. My two younger sisters got all the praise and financial handouts from my DM until her money ran out then they barely visited despite living very close to them. My father repeatedly said that any money was his for when he needed a nursing home so I was paying out of my pension for many things. Ironically he had a fall, went into a nursing home from hospital and died within a month. DM was in the same nursing home for a further 3 months before she died earlier this year. We discovered he had tens of thousands of pounds in multiple accounts, several in my mother’s name but she couldn’t access them. I have yet to grieve for either of them; the last few years have been a relentless slog. Please look after yourselves, in my case it really wasn’t worth the effects on my health and life. 💐🍷🧁 and whatever it needs to keep you going x

Yan, you don't know me and I don't know you, but I have read your post. I'm an old gimmer and I just wanted to say that I am holding you in my hand, and sending a bit of cariad, some welsh love, across the ether. Wishing you peace, and joy ahead.

On the topic of 'I don't know how long I can manage this', you would be amazed at our capacity to manage, to adapt to take on more and more... but it tends to happen incrementally, so you might not even notice it. Of course what it has usually meant is that in order to do x, we have had to stop doing y. Which we may think is a temporary measure, but then not doing y becomes the norm.

Rather like boiling a frog.

yan sending love to you x

It's not easy for me to admit but I would have found it much easier to care for my late dad. He was the parent who gave love, cuddles, help...

Mums appointment went OK. She's got to have pessaries for 3 months and then urodynamics testing (that'll be fun...)

I'm in a temper this morning. I wasn't feeling great last night so stayed upstairs. Came down this morning and "d"h hadn't done the dishes. Mess everywhere, baked on food, online grocery shop to put away, bloody freezer is iced up....arghhhhhh
I HATE it. He knows I HATE it. I've been telling him for 20+ years. If he had no intention of doing it, why not call me down?
Sorry, I know its not much in the grand scheme of things bit it's just more proof (if needed) where I sit in hospital list of priorities.
Ugh.
I need a coffee!!

I feel like having a bit of a cry :(

I've got to take ds1 for his booster jab then go and be all cheerful later at afternoon tea with mum and sibs.

🌺🌺opal

@thesandwich

🌺🌺opal

Thanks x (Sniff) I feel silly but I'm really annoyed/upset

Hope you are doing OK @thesandwich x

Oh Opal I'm sorry you're having a shitty day.

Takeaway and wine tonight?

We're just on our way back from DDs 2nd jab (25+ mile round trip) and have stopped for a Maccys en route .

She's at her dad's this evening so I will have crisps, mince pies and wine for dinner.

I also would have found it easier to care for my dad...we just clicked and he was more inclined to take advice rather than questioning every single thing and distrusting medical professionals in favour of doing whatever the hell (s)he wanted.

Even with the personal care and physical demands I'd have found him easier.

@MintyCedric

Oh Opal I'm sorry you're having a shitty day.

Takeaway and wine tonight?

We're just on our way back from DDs 2nd jab (25+ mile round trip) and have stopped for a Maccys en route .

She's at her dad's this evening so I will have crisps, mince pies and wine for dinner.

I also would have found it easier to care for my dad...we just clicked and he was more inclined to take advice rather than questioning every single thing and distrusting medical professionals in favour of doing whatever the hell (s)he wanted.

Even with the personal care and physical demands I'd have found him easier.

Thank you You're very kind x Ds1 had his booster this morning. He seems OK. No queue, and no 15 min wait from today. He has a friend coming round at 1pm which he's looking forward to. Mums adamant she wants to go ahead with the afternoon tea 🤷‍♀️ so off we trot...

Thanks @Opal8 I’m doing ok thanks- appt re chemo etc next week.
although dm is not great, pressure sores affecting her feet/ sleep and seems v low. Trying to jolly her along but not easy.
Hoping to get her here( a short distance) on Christmas Day.

@thesandwich

Thanks *@Opal8* I’m doing ok thanks- appt re chemo etc next week. although dm is not great, pressure sores affecting her feet/ sleep and seems v low. Trying to jolly her along but not easy. Hoping to get her here( a short distance) on Christmas Day.

Very best wishes to you ❤️

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

Just popping in to say elder DD has Covid and is banished to her room in a flat share. She was desperate for honey and lemons to soothe a scratchy throat but didn't want to ask for help. Well the Co-Op has a same day delivery service and within an hour of selecting some fresh food items it was delivered to her door this afternoon. All for a fee of £1.99. What an amazing service. She is so happy.
Just thought some people with struggling DFs and DMs might want to use this service to send a microwave lasagne and a trifle from the chiller to their elderlies to cheer them up. Or indeed fast track some emergency wine and chocolate straight to your own door

Glad you're OK sandwich hope the appt goes well.

Opal I hope this is one of those occasions when you're dreading something but it ends up being fun.

I have just called mum who is still obsessing over her arm.

Not content with what she has been told by a paramedic practitioner, 3 GPs and the orthopaedics dept at the hospital in the last week, she has had a phone consultation with a private GP this morning who was completely flummoxed but suggested A & E ' as they can investigate more thoroughly than the OOH GP' (who I'm sure would have sent her on Saturday had she thought it necessary).

She's then taken herself down to the pharmacist who's advised that just a small tweak in her blood thinners may well fix it. This is exactly what we are waiting to hear from the surgery about, so she has chased them up and is waiting for a call back.

I am currently under a blanket with a aromatherapy candle on, some classical music and a log fire courtesy of YouTube, mentally sticking my fingers in my ears and doing 'lalala I'm not listening' whilst wondering if it's too early for a glass of wine.

@MintyCedric

Glad you're OK sandwich hope the appt goes well.

Opal I hope this is one of those occasions when you're dreading something but it ends up being fun.

I have just called mum who is still obsessing over her arm.

Not content with what she has been told by a paramedic practitioner, 3 GPs and the orthopaedics dept at the hospital in the last week, she has had a phone consultation with a private GP this morning who was completely flummoxed but suggested A & E ' as they can investigate more thoroughly than the OOH GP' (who I'm sure would have sent her on Saturday had she thought it necessary).

She's then taken herself down to the pharmacist who's advised that just a small tweak in her blood thinners may well fix it. This is exactly what we are waiting to hear from the surgery about, so she has chased them up and is waiting for a call back.

I am currently under a blanket with a aromatherapy candle on, some classical music and a log fire courtesy of YouTube, mentally sticking my fingers in my ears and doing 'lalala I'm not listening' whilst wondering if it's too early for a glass of wine.

Oh gawd @MintyCedric

It was OK actually. A bit stuffed though. Mum was quiet as usual but seemed to enjoy it.

Hello all, had a long night last night with mum. Her carer rang at 5 to say she was unresponsive in her chair. Went round and unable to wake her. Rang an ambulance and whilst on the phone she stopped breathing. We managed to drag her onto the floor and she started breathing again. Still unconscious. Ambulance came super quick and she was stirring but not talking. We suspected a stroke and I went in the ambulance with her. Massive backlog of ambulances at hospital and the doctors and consultants were visiting the ambulances to see the patients in situ. After a few hours I said I'd go home as there was no change and still in the ambulance. Gave mum a kiss and she opened her eyes and said 'goodnight dear see you tomorrow'!!!

Assumed she must have had a TIA and be recovering. This morning doctor from hospital rang and said no sign of recent stroke on scan and all tests normal so far. Big mystery. She's been kept in.

Blimey freshcarnation

Hope you're bearing up OK after all that. What a nightmare.

Thanks Minty. Banging headache today due to lack of sleep and all the drama. It occurred to us that mum has a DNAR yet the 999 operator was telling me to start chest compressions when she wasn't breathing. I didn't think to question it, but suppose It would have been best to say no retrospectively. Anyway. She did start breathing again, so irrelevant really.

OMG, what a day for you all - @freshcarnation @MintyCedric @Opal8
Sending you all hugs 🤗

@freshcarnation

Hello all, had a long night last night with mum. Her carer rang at 5 to say she was unresponsive in her chair. Went round and unable to wake her. Rang an ambulance and whilst on the phone she stopped breathing. We managed to drag her onto the floor and she started breathing again. Still unconscious. Ambulance came super quick and she was stirring but not talking. We suspected a stroke and I went in the ambulance with her. Massive backlog of ambulances at hospital and the doctors and consultants were visiting the ambulances to see the patients in situ. After a few hours I said I'd go home as there was no change and still in the ambulance. Gave mum a kiss and she opened her eyes and said 'goodnight dear see you tomorrow'!!!

Assumed she must have had a TIA and be recovering. This morning doctor from hospital rang and said no sign of recent stroke on scan and all tests normal so far. Big mystery. She's been kept in.

Blimey what a day! Take care x

Oh my goodness fresh. Hope you get a bit of rest for the next day or two?

@freshcarnation What an evening! I hope things settle back down into what passes for normal and you never have to go through that again.

minty I hope the aromatherapy candle isn’t under the blanket with you? We wouldn’t want you to go up in flames.

Spoke to a doctor on mum's ward this morning. No real information on how she is. He asked when she was formally diagnosed with dementia. Well never. She's been in and out of hospital for years and it has always been taken as fact that she has dementia. I was pressed on why I thought this... well because.. everything.. flummoxed. Going in to see her later