Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

🍸

Hoping tomorrow's hospital appointment for mum isn't cancelled...

@Opal8

Hoping tomorrow's hospital appointment for mum isn't cancelled...

I'm not sure whether you mean that it you're being ironic.

The thing is it might give you a breather but then it's another thing to add to the stack of crap on the to-do list.

Back at mums now, just grabbing a sandwich while she peruses her geriatric dating website...

I'd rather get it over worh tbh...and mum will be glad its over too

Geriatric dating website? Christ....

Yep, I like to get this stuff over ASAP too, which is probably why the arm situation is driving me a bit batshit atm.

Tbh I'm kind of hoping they just admit her to hospital for a few days and try and reduce her blood thinners under obs which is one option that's been mooted.

She's not going to stop fretting about it until she sees it clearing up.

@MintyCedric

Yep, I like to get this stuff over ASAP too, which is probably why the arm situation is driving me a bit batshit atm.

Tbh I'm kind of hoping they just admit her to hospital for a few days and try and reduce her blood thinners under obs which is one option that's been mooted.

She's not going to stop fretting about it until she sees it clearing up.

I'd be pushing for that if I were you...I know your mum doesnt like hospitals (who does?) But maybe she'd feel better knowing she's having treatment? Sadly (as I know from mums issues in August) they will do everything they not to admit even when clinically indicated... Mum is still not fully recovered from the sepsis she had Use phrases like : "Unsafe discharge" "Could this be sepsis?" "Are you sure this doesn't need IV abx?"

SIL's visit was good. I pointed out to her that she was a fantastic daughter to her mum, and that I am, well, not. She pointed out that her mum was a lovely mum to her, whereas my mum, was, well, not.

When people admit to feelings that I have felt it really does help.

I had a traumatic chat with one of mum's best friend this morning. She is younger than mum, bit reclusive/difficult to get to know but once she trusts you she is fiercely loyal. Anyway, I was telling her what mum was like and she just fell apart. She isn't someone you can hug or even touch but she was heart broken and feels unable to cope with visiting but then feels she is letting mum down. My lovely daughter was there and said that what Gma would want more than anything else was to know that I was ok and that she would want Friend and I to support each other. She also pointed out that Gma did not visit Gdad in hospital because she wanted to remember him the way he was and she would want her friends to remember her well too.

I just felt so sad for her. She's lost her best friend and I couldn't even comfort her.

@Opal8 @MintyCedric
Can I join the permanently resentful branch of the bad daughters society too - I believe I fulfil all the requirements!

We should get t shirts made 🤣

Oh, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, that's so sad.
Made me reflect that my mum has so many lovely friends who would all willingly help her (and I'd be grateful if they could) but mum is determined that I'm to be the dutiful daughter so she can boast about me to her friends - 'oh don't worry, fairy will do that'.
It's a difficult dynamic when the daughter is permanently resentful and just won't do it.

Oh nota I take back my barbed comments about SIL. What a supportive and insightful thing for her to say.

My mother is in the 'well, not' category too, like many on here.

I had to cancel my planned visit on Sunday as I've injured my back and wasn't safe to drive. So it's just Christmas Eve to get through then a nice break from work. Which will be very welcome.

Stressed to the eyeballs here.
Due to.gly out to Finland on Tuesday to see DS2 and DIL who I haven't seen since their very hastily re-arranged with just us three wedding 2 days before they emigrated. It now looks like Finland are going to impose testing requirements but we don't know what snd when.
Dad isn't great and when he has been like this before he has ended up in hospital for at least a week.
MIL has been having clashing health problems for a few weeks and on top of that has had chest infection after chest infection. Now they are talking about hospital admission. Turns out they haven't had their boosters yet as FIL can no longer drive and MIL is in a wheelchair so "we can't get to.a centre". DH pointed out we had given him details of taxi firms with wheelchair adapted cars or he could speak to his GP but he doesn't see why he should have to sort it out. DH has given up asking his dad if he needs anything doing as he gets snapped at for offering before it's a predictable crisis then FIL is all "woe is me I can't cope with this" so we hadn't known about the booster.
So now we have the possibility of being stuck at home over Christmas with 1 or 2 parents in hospital and FIL panicking. My head is firmly stuck in the sand right now.

Oh dear @countrygirl99 they both sound increasingly overwhelmed by the complexities. Maybe hospital admission is right but goodness it adds to the complications for you.

I've come down with what now feels like a chest infection myself, and am being investigated for pulsatile tinnitus. I think I've been at such a high pitch of overload since Mum had her brain haemorrhage in early Oct that I'm just falling apart. I don't really have the energy to worry about work and I can't visit her like this - it feels like I've been tackled at the knees and crashed to the ground. It's at times like this I miss my Mum as she was, and know that I'm lucky she was a comforting person to ring so I have happy memories of those calls. to those who do more than I do without the good memories.

It's hospital appointment today (assuming it's not cancelled)
She's not happy I can't go in with her

@countrygirl99 I think it gets to a stage where if they won't help themselves you have to step back for your own sanity.

You gave fil all the info he needed. He has chosen not to do it. Sad, infuriating but his problem.

Go to Finland!

Fingers crossed for Finland only a change in regulations or a positive test will stop us going. I was booking the pre-departure tests at 5am this morning despite not knowing if they would be needed as we are likely to need to do the test within 48 hours of arrival and that means after 15.45 Sunday. The test place shuts at 17.00 and 2 on the 5 suitable 15 minute slots were slresdy completely booked.
FIL has been like this for ages, if you try and suggest something he gets angry then cries down the phone if what he wants goes wrong. He gets determined to do something that has a high chance of going wrong but won't listen to suggestions for mitigating the risk.

@countrygirl99

Fingers crossed for Finland only a change in regulations or a positive test will stop us going. I was booking the pre-departure tests at 5am this morning despite not knowing if they would be needed as we are likely to need to do the test within 48 hours of arrival and that means after 15.45 Sunday. The test place shuts at 17.00 and 2 on the 5 suitable 15 minute slots were slresdy completely booked. FIL has been like this for ages, if you try and suggest something he gets angry then cries down the phone if what he wants goes wrong. He gets determined to do something that has a high chance of going wrong but won't listen to suggestions for mitigating the risk.

So you have to let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

After dad died I did everything for mum. I arranged the funeral, sorted admin, dealt with his company, sorted his car, hmrc, pensions....all whilst also dealing wirh mums weekly at the point hospital admissions. To this day she has no idea how much I did nor what it cost me mentally and emotionally.

My dc "lost" their mum for 6 months.

I will not do that again. She's not remotely grateful. It is "expected". Whereas my siblings are lauded for a 30 minute visit once a week or a daily 2 minute phone call.

(Thry both live nearer to her than I do)

Don't worry DP is pretty good at boundaries but it's still tough for him when his dad is crying down the phone. He was quite firm with his dad yesterday telling him he has th choice of making arrangements with a taxi firm or remaining un bolstered as we are avoiding seeing people pre travel.

@countrygirl99

Don't worry DP is pretty good at boundaries but it's still tough for him when his dad is crying down the phone. He was quite firm with his dad yesterday telling him he has th choice of making arrangements with a taxi firm or remaining un bolstered as we are avoiding seeing people pre travel.

That's great. Boundaries are key!

@countrygirl99 I hope your plans all work out. Good on your DH for standing up for you all.

@Opal8

My dc "lost" their mum for 6 months.

That's exactly how I feel, although it's been getting on for 2 years now. Was supposed to pick her up from college yesterday after her first end of term exams but couldn't. We did manage to get out for a pizza last night though, and took a slow drive back with many detours to look at people's Christmas lights with The Darkness, The Pogues and Buble on the car stereo.

I'm so aware now that I have less than 2 years with her at home. Also don't feel I've supported her enough with anything...GCSEs, pandemic, issues with her Dad, choosing college etc.

The upside is that she's very mature, independent and resilient, but it still makes me sad that it's because she's not had any other choice.

Good luck with the hospital appt btw Opal.

Mum was prescribed another course of antibiotics yesterday. It seems they are not overly concerned about the haematoma as she has full movement of her arm/hand/fingers. He put a call into orthopaedics to confirm this and is asking cardio to call him and discuss a possible change in mum's blood thinners.

I feel for you so much @MintyCedric

It didn't affect my eldest so might but ds2 was only 4 when my dad died :(

Some people get horrific haematomas don't they?...hopefully that's all.it is on your mums case.

Awful nights sleep last night. So I've dropped ds2 at College, done 2 loads of washing, watched an episode of hawkeye with ds1, and am now in bed 😲

I'm going to try and relax til it's time to take mum.

@Opal8 @MintyCedric My dc "lost" their mum for 6 months.

It was 9 years for us, the last 2 were hell. Strangely, now that she is not my responsibility has gone so has the resentment. My kids still love me (and Grandma). My husband as waited patiently for me and we are rediscovering things that make us happy together rather than two people who share a kitchen and a bed. Turns out he is a lovely bloke, reminds me very much of the boy I fell in love when I was 17 lol!

I guess it's a good thing we don't know when we start caring how long it will be for. If someone had told me 9 years ago how it would be I could never have done it. Cockroaches to all of you.

That's lovely to hear hairbrush

I honestly don't know how long I can manage it...when I hear of people caring for parents in their nineties and think I could have another 10 years of this I want to throw myself under a bus tbh.

I love my mum dearly but I really want to be her daughter, not her full time carer. She's pushing me to crack on with my plans or get a job so I'm going to look for something part-time/flexible in the new year. I think we both need a better balance.

I left my marriage in 2016 because of XHs controlling behaviour...since then I've had a total of 8 months in my own home with no parents to care for or pandemic to worry about.

I just want my life back...which I'm sure is how we all feel.