Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I've managed to get ds2 his 1st covid vaccine today and dh needs to go for his 2 day pcr after returning from the US so I'm not doing lunch today

Might pop in to see her though

Also she has been outed by the new social media feed from the care home: ‘Oh I don’t really join in the activities’ ... making Xmas decs: DM doing the paperchains, 1950s singalong: DM waving arms to the Shirelles, chair exercise class: DM giving it laldy with the zimmer frame.

That sounds fantastic.

I'd absolutely love to see my mum in that situation.

I think part of the problem is that she's never really had hobbies. She had a fairly good career until she was mid-thirties, then she had me. She's very practical and just not really interested in anything that doesn't have a practical purpose, so a lot of it is stuff she struggles with now...gardening, DIY etc, although she's been having a good go since Dad died.

Doesn't fulfill her need to have people around all the time though unfortunately.

@BinaryDot

Opal8 it sounds tough but I like your list of boundaries, completely necessary to have them.

Minty I hope your DM improves and you don’t get into too much hassle re hospital visits etc. I entirely get the envy of the people whose resposibility has passed to a new phase where its not all on us – I was hugely envious of a friend whose DM had a care home when we were in the middle of Covid and DM was not accepting any help bar a cleaner - and I’m glad you feel that sense of relief Hairbrush now your DM is taken care of.

Mildly apprehensive of care Covid rules changing again as DM’s home has recently allowed us to visit in rooms, but I don’t think it will affect us so far. I have been really pleased to see DM’s large room with bathroom, I would be v happy to have it in a nice hotel. Also she has been outed by the new social media feed from the care home: ‘Oh I don’t really join in the activities’ ... making Xmas decs: DM doing the paperchains, 1950s singalong: DM waving arms to the Shirelles, chair exercise class: DM giving it laldy with the zimmer frame.

She is a bit delusional, but only mildly, apparently she has to help the staff with dinner and laundry but doesn’t mind, and someone has the power to enter DM’s room unseen while DM is actually in it and steal her fudge.

‘Sensitive bladder’ was the acceptable phrase for DM, and she did talk to the carers who came in about it, after I asked the agency for a ‘sympathetic older lady’ to have a chat with DM.

Knot hope you’re doing OK.

Dint I love that you have the patience and empathy to see things from all sides.

cockroaches all!

Excellent!

Binary love your description of the SM feed. DM would be right in there - she loves anything like that.

DM had a fall at home this morning. Managed to use her fall alarm though. Doesn't seem to me like she has damaged anything, seemed ok once I got her back on her feet.

Selfishly, this will probably mean I need to increase my visits.

Oh @#£& not . Does it have to mean your visits? Why not carers?

@notaflyingmonkey

DM had a fall at home this morning. Managed to use her fall alarm though. Doesn't seem to me like she has damaged anything, seemed ok once I got her back on her feet.

Selfishly, this will probably mean I need to increase my visits.

Sorry to hear that x

Mum text me at 10pm last night asking me to take her to the dentists today (so she's had the appointment for a year...)

I said no as ds1 is having the car today to drive into university

"Oh no problem sister is on annual leave atm I'll ask her" 😲😲😲🙄😡🤣

Righto

nota Have you looked into technology? Things that send an alarm to your phone if she hasn’t moved during waking hours, for example, a movement sensor if she hasn’t been into ti the kitchen. Doesn’t rely on her carrying anything.

Realistically, no matter how many visits you make, you can’t stop her falling. So you need to try and reduce trip hazards and the number of useful things stored in high cupboards, and limit the number of hours before she’s found.

In case it’s helpful to others, Dad could get back up if he got on to hands and knees, then put his hands on a chair placed in front of him, pushed himself semi erect, finally sitting on another chair placed behind him. Of course, he’d never fall where there was room to move all these chairs around…

Notaflyingmonkey... do you think so? What about reframing that as a completely successful episode? She fell, used her alarm...?

Unless you're there 24/7 and frankly even then, falls are going to happen. The question i guess is the impact in you if having to rush over and pick her up?

Went up to seems parents at the weekend. I wasn't planning to go until next Saturday but DB contacted me to say he was worried dad is going downhill so we took Christmas presents up and toldum and dad next weekend is looking busy and we were worried we wouldn't be able to make it up before we go away for Christmas. DB was right so worried dad is going to end up in hospital again soon. But it was one of those visits where I realised how bad mum is getting. Normally the decorations go up about 3 weeks before Christmas. I didn't think too much about them not being in last week but apparently she hasn't bought a single present or card or anything yet. There are 4 GGC she normally loves to buy for. I would have taken her out but it was mid afternoon on Sunday and it would have meant driving to another town so shops would gave been shut. She said she has been "too busy" but I realised she just can't get to grips with organising herself. I've flagged it to DB so hopefully he will get her out.

Mum gives money to dgc so that was sorted a whole ago via bank transfer (not very festive but nice and easy!)
She, my siblings and I usually do a secret santa and go out for a meal/afternoon tea rather than gifts so that's on Thursday.
Can't say I'm looking forward to it tbh but I'll put a happy face on
Mum has refused any Xmas decorations since dad died which is such a shame as he loved Xmas:(
So I got her a light up festive house. Small, requires no effort on her part and is led lit :)
She quite likes it.

My phone seems to be something of a problem in that more often than not it doesn't ring when someone is calling me. Being the sort of person who is quite happy not to be contacted most of the time, this hasn't really been too much of a problem for me. But the alarm company couldn't raise me at 3am, so called DB, who tried unsuccessfully to call me, and therefore had to drive for nearly two hours to get to DMs.

I have now switched from O2.

She has no trip hazards, and wasn't clear as to what caused the fall. My money is on fainting. She is so frail she just couldn't get herself back up off the floor.

It's her bday on 2nd January.

I offered several options but she's asked to come here for lunch/dinner. So I'll do that and a cake and some flowers. There's just nothing she wants or needs.

Hi Nota. Have some and a large piece of

No need to increase visits. Falls will happen whether you are there or not as pp have said. Low blood pressure often. This can be somewhat counteracted by ensuring adequate fluid but they can often be reluctant to do that, and that generation are not constant water sippers either.

Not sure why a family member had to be present either? The responders my mother's system used ( via the LA) simply put her back in bed or wherever, then called me just to make me aware.

Was db making some sort of statement, driving through the night like that, or did the responders insist?

Presumably the ambulance service is the backup if no other option. We never got to that point with DM and I'm reminded to be grateful x

I think DB was somewhat shocked that the call went to him, because I'm first on the list, he's second, them it goes to Ambulance if they can't get either of us. So it's me that usually deals with falls, etc. She was still on the floor when I got there, because he didn't know how to get her up. Being an old hand at this myself, I've been shown how to do it previously by a paramedic.

I think Words is probably spot on re the low blood pressure, not drinking water. I think the recent increase in incontinence is probably linked.

My SIL is coming on a brief visit today, and I know that she will be shocked at the decline in DM's appearance and I am already bracing myself for the conversation that is likely to follow. (She is in the good daughter club - nursed her own mother through dementia etc).

Mum treats the emergency pull cord system in her flat with utter disdain...

"Wht would I use that? I'll just call you..."

Yes nota exactly. Thé incontinence issues lead them to limit fluid intake often, then falls happen.

I am so grateful I wasn't ever called out to a fall. The paramedics just dealt with it themselves then let me know. Things may well have changed on that score in the last two years, in what they are prepared to do, for obvious reasons. Huge sympathy to all dealing with that.

Anyway, at least your bro got to experience first hand what you are dealing with and that is not a bad thing.

Re SIL- apply your Teflon with a trowel! She sounds like hard work. You could also hand her a polishing cloth and some brasso for that halo of hers as well.

Not sure why a family member had to be present either? The responders my mother's system used ( via the LA) simply put her back in bed or wherever, then called me just to make me aware. Depends on LA (and presumably on how much they’re paying for the contract). Ours insisted on 2 local contacts who could be called. I wanted something to take away the permanent alertness/anticipation that anything I did could be interrupted by a fall summons.

My father refused to have the system on the grounds that when they installed it they’d realise his phone system was illegal and would put him in prison.

How is your mum doing now nota? Good luck with SILs visit

I imagine careline companies are being belt and braces because with the state of the NHS etc waiting times are awful.

Dad fell out of bed once after he broke his back (pre Covid and him being declared end of life). We'd been told not to move him if he had a fall but we had to wait 4 hours for paramedics to come and sort him out. Not their fault of course, but not pleasant either.

Had a call from mum's friend yesterday - the non-local one who is all about the softly softly approach re L 🙄. Apparently she'd spoken to a nurse friend of hers about mum's arm and was very concerned about the seriousness of the situation.

I pointed out that whilst yes, it was a worry and does look hideous, she's seen 3 medical professionals in the last 6 days, had blood tests to check platelet count, is not in pain, lacking mobility or suffering confusion, and there is no inflammation or heat that would suggest the infection isn't under control. I may also have mentioned my advanced first aid qualification!

I was torn between being a bit hacked off at the implication I wasn't taking the situation seriously, and wondering wtf mum has (or more likely hasn't) told her.

Ended up popping round late last night as mum called saying a vein had come up in her arm...I went round and it didn't look any different but hey ho.

We have an appointment with the nurse at midday for something else so hopefully they might be able to reassure her or actually suggest a plan of action.

How’s your mum Nota?
Good luck with the nurse Minty

I’ve had DM’s best friend texting this morning asking if she’s ok because DM was coughing on the phone and she (mum) took offence when friend asked if she was ok to go out with them this afternoon and put the phone down on her.
I rang to check she was ok and she’s now taken offence at both of us for texting each other about her. Honestly.
The cough is something she always has and is related to thyroid issues.

Nurse had decreed another GP appt...this afternoon...at the surgery on the other side of town as its all that's available.

The procedure she was supposed to be carrying out was also unsuccessful so that will possibly need to be revisited at another date.

Was supposed to be picking DD up from the last of her end of term exams and taking her for a pizza this evening. Former definitely won't happen and the latter is looking unlikely now.

I'm up to eyeballs in paperwork, my house looks like it's been burgled and have errands to run.

Mum's first aside this morning was that I should be concentrating on by business venture or looking for a job.

Not sure how TAF that is supposed to work?

@MintyCedric

You are a fecking saint

I'm an exhausted, permanently resentful mug is what I'm Opal but thanks anyway.

The thing is, what's the alternative?

Yep...:(

I'll join you on the permanently resentful bench of that's OK?