Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

knot go and enjoy the glorious weather. Don’t look back.
Much sympathy minty and good advice from dint

Good news, one of the elderly rellies (the one who was worried about going into a home) has rung and seemed somewhat more receptive to my offer of help (staying with her for a few days while their OH has an op) - I suspect PoA donor #4 may have rung up for a chat and said some persuasive things. If so I am grateful!
I also discussed the merits of a couple of things which might help their life be a bit more normal & hopefully will work for them.
They are still waiting for (I think) an OT assessment followup after discharge from hospital - luckily they're not skint so could pay for useful stuff to be done anyway, but obvs the OTs may have extra ideas and more importantly will know who will do the work + not rip them off. I offered to ring and nag but they said they'd chase them again tomorrow. (Maybe the OT team has an isolation/much delayed hols storm?).

I may ring back tomorrow and check whether we're free to go away for a week early August - hopefully all the surgeons will be on hols then anyway!

(Deliberately not going into details as all the PoA donors can use t'internet).

Cockroach to all and grab those breaks in between the shoes dropping!

I'd just got dinner in the oven when I received a summons from the hospital. Three and a half hours later, chest xray, brain scan, blood work and we're back out again. Mum was all prepared to go off on one about no-one having seen her while she's sitting there with a canula hanging out of her hand - she'd forgotten about that (and the x ray). I've dropped her back "home" so I can set off on my jolly tomorrow with a clear conscience.

I've thrown most of dinner in the bin, I've gone so long without eating that I couldn't face it so I think my conscience will be fine with fish and chips on the front tomorrow AND an ice cream sundae later.

I think my conscience will be fine with fish and chips on the front tomorrow AND an ice cream sundae later.

At an absolute minimum I should think....have a lovely time.

I just spoke to mum...she's obviously spent the after inventing all sorts of crazy scenarios in her head about what's going on with L. She's planning to call the agency tomorrow or go over in person.

In the meantime she hasn't eaten anything apart from chocolate rice cakes since lunchtime (she's diabetic) and is apparently thinking of going out for a drive.

@MereDintofPandiculation

You make some very good points...it will just rely on me being considerably more organised than I currently am!

I've been thinking about what someone said on here recently about the refusal to go into a care home, essentially meaning the daughter picks up the slack to afford the parent the illusion of independence.

I know so many of you on here have it worse than me, but I went to DM's this evening, dressed her wound, did a few chores, and decided to cut the grass and change her bedding in the next couple of days. As I'm leaving to go home for my dinner she asks if someone could cut the grass. There is no someone - it's me. I'm tired of the endless cycle of stuff I need to do for her, while she moans at me. Again tonight telling me to wash my hands.

It would be bliss to pass her over to someone else. I think that, then I wonder if I would feel guilty?

It would be bliss to pass her over to someone else.

I've thought the same and worse tbh.

I would love to have to have a good relationship with my mum, she had many good points when I was growing up and at her best can be a really good laugh, but I just can't see it happening now. The odd good day maybe but nothing consistent.

Nota I've had the recent transition from invisibly doing everything to doing nothing except gardening, clothes shopping and visiting. I expected overwhelming relief from the removal of responsibility but I didn't expect the guilt and the aimlessness. My life had been shaped around mum for so long that I couldn't remember what it looked like before that, I imagine it's like suddenly being retired. I now have one to do list rather than two and more time to do the things on it.

I’ve seen it in DM’s care home and now with my MIL, who is still resolutely causing mayhem for the carers and the family, that there’s an agitated state that some elderlies reach where they can’t acknowledge kindnesses.
So instead of ‘thank you for bringing me that fan, I may well need it later’ it’s ‘why’s that bloody fan here? I never asked for it. Get it out.’
Their world narrows so rapidly that there is no bandwidth to consider anyone else whatsoever. Even a FaceTime call with a grandchild is cut short as an annoyance.
It must be such a hideous life to be left with as there is absolutely nothing positive that can be done or given that prompts a smile or kind word.
It’s brutal to be on the receiving end of this negativity.

I've been a really bad daughter today, Had an outside visit with my Dad and parked him in the sun where he said he wanted to be. Within minutes someone was sent out to tell me they were worried about him being in the sun, so I said he wanted to be, and they left. But I moved him back to the shade after 15 mins as a compromise - told him he'd get sunburn on his head. I don't think they'll let me have him outside again! (I was partially vindicated when they came to check me out - he refused to go back indoors )

Dint sounds like you were v aware if you moved him into the shade!
I wore a different top with less coverage on Sunday without thinking and now have bad sunburn in some spots - trying to sleep was like the Princess and the Pea, the slightest particle on the sheets felt like glass!

You let him have choices, dint bet he doesn’t get many. Was he more settled today?

Wicked, wicked Dint!

I'm absolutely incandescent (which is not a good thing in this heat) So DM is in hospital. It was the Junior Engineer's school play today, and he had one of the two lead roles. Tomorrow it's the leaver's assembly.
Just had the pitiful phone call "I'm thinking about you..I'm so sad... we'll get through this together...we're a family....can you try and ring me on the ward"
Not sure what we're supposed to be getting through "together", she's put herself into hospital through her own actions, not sure how my input is required. Do I think the hospital staff have got nothing better to do than run up and down the ward acting as her personal messenger service - well, I'm pretty sure she doesn't think they have. And the idea that she wants to make his big day all about poor pitiful her bravely soldiering on.... makes me sick, actually.

Myster I probably wouldn't have given it a thought if they hadn't come out to me. I'm not good at these things.

Thanks, sandwich he wasn't talking about "might as well be dead" which I was pleased to see. Today it was mainly about a dachshund which had been registered to my mother, and he needed it sorting out.

Dint

Does the dachshund need a British or Australian passport?

dark humour alert

Two of my Mum’s friends have contacted me to say they think she has Covid and should see a doctor. As she is refusing to either do a test or call a doctor or the NHS for advice, I don’t see what I can do. She went on the shopping bus - took two paracetamol beforehand so that her temperature would be normal - despite my telling her to self isolate. Her cough is really bad, she’s struggling to breathe, has a headache and sore throat. I offered to call the NHS or order her a test and was told, sharply, no. I’m beginning not to care about her, but thinking of the other old ladies on the bus and the shop assistants. But she always has been selfish.

@MrsSchadenfreude

Is your mum vaccinated?

Tbh I'd be thinking of calling her GP surgery or even track and trace at this point.

@MintyCedric yes, she had had both vaccinations by 5 January. Her GP’s surgery never answer the phone but are a bit more responsive to email.

This might sound extreme , but a call to 101 ( non urgent police ) and a telephone call or a visit from them to remind her of her responsibility might stop her going out.

Hello everyone. I’ve been here for many years, under different names. I don’t have much to report, because nothing ever really changes, but wanted to wish you all well. You’re all so right in what you say about aged parents staying in the family home to give the illusion of independence and how tiring it can be, always to be the “someone” who deals with things. Cockroach, mes amies!

Tales welcome back. That user name made my brain hurt trying to remember what song it was from - I caved in and Googled it in the end.

Ha! It was Kinks night on the BBC recently, I heard the song and thought “that’s my next MN name”.

My Mum called the doctor who is sending her antibiotics. Also told her to phone up and order a Covid test. She duly called but as she doesn’t have a mobile phone and isn’t online, they seemed to think this was too difficult. She said she was put on hold for 40 minutes while someone went to find out what happened in these circumstances, snd then the line went dead. So I have ordered her one online to be posted to her to administer herself. That will be interesting.

I've been treating DM's wound every day for many weeks now. Which has basically meant my exposure to her has ramped up. Last night she said that I 'may use the bathroom to wash my hands'. I use the kitchen sink, dry my hands on paper towel, then put gloves on. Apparently that doesn't count, and it seems I need her permission now to use the bathroom that I clean her shit from.

So - the consequence is rather unpredictable - I have joined a gym. Not just any gym, but David Lloyd, so £££. I can go swimming, sit in the spa, and have some downtime FOR ME. I really had to battle with myself as I realised I didn't think I deserved a bit of luxury. But it's done. I just need to keep telling myself I do deserve to have some time for me, doing stuff I enjoy.

Nota this is a job that someone else could be doing. If it's extra work for you and it's clearly not appreciated, why not ask her GP for a referral to the district nurse. Let a professional do it and free up some of your time.